It's early, I'm awake, and actually somewhat rested, so... It's ramble time!
I often don't feel that I have the right to speak about LGBTQIA+ issues as a "straight" "female", but the fact that I'm not even comfortable calling myself "a woman" in this sentence speaks volumes to and about me. I was talking to a friend yesterday about hormonal stuff, and she said that getting her Testosterone levels checked because they might be too high was very gender-affirming to her and that she is "definitely a woman." And it just struck me during that conversation that I could never, with confidence and conviction, say "I am a woman." I realize due to my body type that women's issues, both physically and socially, affect me. But "I am a woman" just doesn't feel right to or for me.
I was raised as a female. A strong, independent, capable female - but a female nonetheless. I was expected to shave my body hair, wear make-up, style my hair, and wear traditionally female clothing. I'm not saying that any of that was wrong or damaging to me. But I am saying that at some point it started to feel like a costume, and as early as it felt safe to do so I began slowly taking it off.
I think the last time I wore a dress was around 6th grade graduation, or perhaps at an aunt's wedding, whichever came last. I wore skirts of my own accord into high school, but by graduation I was done. In fact, I almost didn't get to walk at my high school graduation because of my refusal to wear a dress or skirt.
In my 20s, (not surprisingly, once I was out on my own) I stopped shaving my body hair and shaved my head/kept my hair primarily short. Not everyone appreciated or accepted that, but I had never felt more comfortable in my own skin. I was thin, flat-chested, and dressed in baggier clothing featuring suspenders. Later, I ditched make-up entirely. I confused an old man once. I've personally never felt more gender-affirmed than when he asked me if I was "a little boy or a little girl."
Despite the fact that in my adult life I've been told many times by friends and family that I'm very black/white, on/off, in/out, I really have an appreciation for the middle. I always have. I have a childhood memory of learning the difference between boys and girls and thinking "Why can't I be both? Or neither?" I recall understanding gender norms at the time, in a "girls take care of the house and boys take care of the yard" sort of way, but I had no actual idea of the extent to which gender norms were enforced by society until later. It's a slow programming that begins at birth for most of us.
My point is that I accept that physically/hormonally I exist in an AFAB body and it's not very distressing to me because I can do enough customizing of it without surgery or HRT to feel "at home enough" in it. I can shun gender norms enough to be fine with the label "female." But I understand that this is not everyone's experience. Sometimes taking off the costume of what society expects isn't enough. Sometimes people need HRT and surgeries to feel like themselves - and that's ok. That is healthcare.
I'm on HRT to make my AFAB body function as comfortably and optimally as it can, not to transition. But would I be upset if I grew a little mustache? Gained more muscle? Nope, I would not be bothered. For all I know I might even feel gender-affirmed again (I've been pretty uncomfortable in my body since my 30s; I gained weight and grew larger breasts and I feel like I'm back in my "caterpillar is goo in a cocoon" stage, but anyway...). Until I find something that fits better, I suppose I'm good with being a gender non-conforming she/they.
If you take nothing else from my ramble/lived experience:
Imagine having to experience every day of your life in a costume. You never feel like you are seen as yourself. You're never comfortable unless you're at home or alone, where you can take the costume off. People can love the idea of you that you have presented, but not you because they don't actually know you. That is very inauthentic and damaging to your mental health. No one should be forced to live a lie just to be safe or accepted.
Gender-affirming care is healthcare!
