To Puppy:

I'm sorry. More than you will ever know.

Tonight as I was coming home I saw a dog running in and out of the street. He was small and looked scared to death... it made me sad. Me and Shadow wanted to help him so we stopped the car and tried calling to him. He just kept running... so we hopped back in the car to try to get closer, but that didn't work. We lost sight of him. Shadow was really sad... he said that he hopes that dog finds its way home. I really do, too.

As we were riding home Shadow said he wondered whatever happened to Puppy. Puppy was his first dog and we got him when we were living at my grandmother's house... Shadow was about two years old then (he's 7 now). One day the old neighbor lady had walked down and asked if we wanted to see her new puppies... and of course we did. She then offered one to Shadow, who of course wanted one. So we took him back to our house and Shadow named him Puppy.

Seeing as how I was in college at the time (which = dead broke) and probably pretty dumb he never went to the vet for any shots or to be fixed... so thanks to me he wasn't off to the best start. He lived outside and he ate dog food and scraps. We had no fence, although we had a huge yard, so he ran free. He'd run over to the neighbors house and steal their toddler's toys... he was always bringing something home. My grandmother hated him for that. Oh, and for being on her porch for any reason, whatsoever. But anyway...

One evening when me and Shadow came home we saw Puppy in the yard. He wasn't jumping all over us, happy to see us. He was lying really close to the side of the house, breathing hard. Upon closer inspection he was bleeding profusely from the neck. I was scared to get too close, but I wouldn't leave him to die alone. I sat outside with him for quite a while. I ended up calling my mother who loaded him up in the back of the hearse that she drove and took him to the vet. He lived... but apparently someone had shot him and it went straight through his neck. So his days after that were spent in a pen (a pretty huge one, at least), to keep him from wandering off and getting shot again. But I still felt bad about that.

He grew up and moved with us when we moved out on our own. We rented a trailer down the street from my grandmother and he could still have a yard to play in (no fence or anything to keep him safe, though). Luckily, he never got in the road much. Not long after moving into that shit hole we were offered a really nice apartment in Oxford... affordable, and closer to my job and Shadow's daycare. Though I couldn't take Puppy I could not turn that down. So I sent him to live with my brother (who lived next door to Nick's grandmother), and that way we could still see him.

Well we saw him pretty often still, but he had no fence... just ran about. A few months later my brother moved... and Puppy just hung around at Nick's grandmother's house. Nick's uncle (who lived very nearby) still fed him so we just left him there. No one seemed to mind and we still got to see him... until one day when he just wasn't there. I heard that he'd been picked up by animal control, but for some reason I didn't go look for him. I wish I knew why I didn't, but I can't remember. I do know that I was in no position to take care of him because the apartment wouldn't let me have him there. I was probably hoping that he'd find a better home that what I could give him. Unfortunately, I doubt that happened.

*sigh* I hate that. I really and truly do. It haunts me (and Shadow, obviously) to this day. I should've done better by him (and Shadow), and I deeply regret that I did not. So as we were riding home tonight Shadow was thinking of Puppy and crying. I was, too. "Mom," said Shadow, "I hope he found what he was looking for." (I think when he didn't come back home we told him that he'd run away because we didn't know what else to say). All I could say was that I hoped he had, too.

"I wish I had a picture of him" he said between sobs. I honestly didn't think that we did, but Shadow found one. ONE. He hung it on the refrigerator.

Puppy disappeared a few years ago... Not knowing how he is or how things ended up for him haunts me. It should.

I feel like such shit right now. I should.

Puppy, I am so sorry.