Sometimes I forget...

Sometimes I forget that I am still a mom.  Not like I forget that I have a son, but you know... the newness of him has rubbed off after 8 years.  It's not like he's a baby who needs every little thing done for him anymore.  He's just one of us now.  Thinking to myself earlier, "I am a mother" seemed so odd.  I know that it's true, but I became a mother so long ago it feels like.

I don't mean any of this in a negative way... and I can promise you it's not that I'm losing my "mother's instinct" or whatever.  Believe me - I'd rip your fucking face off for messing with my kid.  It's just weird after all of this time... and different.  We're just growing up.  Shadow's growing up.  We're growing...

When you're pregnant - everything's changing.  Everything about you.  Your body, your mind.  You can feel it happening and it's neat.  You know that something big is about to happen and you try to prepare for it, but you never can.  I don't care how much your try - you learn more as you go.  And that's ok.  Experience is a great teacher.  I knew nothing about kids when I had Shadow and he's awesome, so...

I remember when Shadow was in my belly... he was fucking ALIVE in there.  I don't think that people realize how INCREDIBLY AWESOME AND AMAZING that really is anymore.  People are just fucking baby factories... I doubt that anyone cherishes the experience of being pregnant.  Hell, I can't even really put it into words (the way I feel about it).  The absolute best part was feeling him move and later seeing it.  It was crazy.  He'd respond to sounds - particularly, he'd jump at sharp noises.  IN MY BELLY.  I still feel like "Whoa" just thinking about it.  😲

Anyway, I don't know.  Pregnancy was a nice experience for me.  I have absolutely no plans to do it again, but I look back at it fondly.  Even the barfing.  I HATE barfing, but I knew it was for a good cause.  They say that if you're nauseated you've got high levels of some hormone that means your baby is developing normally... so you know, bring it on.  I'll barf day and night for 6 months straight for the well-being of my kid.  I totally did that.

Yeah, this seems pretty random.  You know what brought it to my mind?  This morning when I ate the last of the cereal I offered Shadow a glass of Vanilla Carnation Instant Breakfast.  He LOVED it.  I'll have to admit that that stuff is pretty yummy.  Know how I know?  Because when I was pregnant with him my nutritionist told me to drink at least a glass of that every day for the calories.  I was pretty tiny for a pregnant chick - due to barfing non-stop I was having a hard time keeping my weight up.

So... how's that for a rambly post?  😂  Those were just the thoughts kicking around in my head...