Shaun's crud is dragging out...

Shaun's crud is dragging out, but mine seems less severe so far.

I don't feel great by any stretch and I slept like crap because I was coughing and blowing my nose all night, but I got up this morning and took a really hot shower and coughed out my crud. I haven't been sinus/lung-sick since I had COVID in 2022 and I definitely don't miss feeling sick. But I've been resting and staying hydrated and I think that's helping me fight it off.

I am really hoping that it doesn't get worse before getting better. A few days has been enough. 😂

I had a tickle in my throat yesterday...

I had a tickle in my throat yesterday. I feel straight up bad this morning.

I guess I've got whatever Shaun had. Yay.

I'm finally about to shower.

I'm finally about to shower. I've been able to keep food in for the last 17 hours. Woo!

Shaun changed my sheets earlier because they were disgusting. He's made me soup all day and brought me everything I needed. I really appreciate him.

He almost never gets sick in the disgusting ways that I do. In the 17 years we've been together, he hasn't thrown up once. That's unfathomable to me. I don't understand how that happens.

I'm down 4 lbs in 2 days. Not exactly how I wanted to do it, but I guess I'll take any wins I can get. 😂

I finally made it out of my room for the day.

I finally made it out of my room for the day.

I'm a disgusting mess. I just wanna see if I can keep my food in me before showering.

Wish me luck.

I haven't had a super fun day.

I haven't had a super fun day. I've been vomiting and running to the toilet frequently since about 5 this morning.

Shaun had some stomach upset the other day, but he hasn't thrown up in the 17 years we've been together, so I don't know if I caught a bug from him or if my dinner last night just didn't agree with me.

I just had some chicken noodle soup with crackers and Sprite. Just a little to see if I can hold it down. Wish me luck.

I didn't do any plant stuff today, but it's been windy and rainy, so I probably wouldn't have, anyway.

I wanted to post a positive little update.

I wanted to post a positive little update. I'm down 10 pounds since starting Semaglutide in February. The fat has been slowly, but surely melting away. I'm sure I've lost some muscle, too, because I completely stopped strength training in March. I also haven't been walking consistently. But I have been eating less. Food noise is totally gone. That's a thing I didn't realize I had before starting this medication.

I don't know why starting and maintaining new habits is so hard for me, but it really is. I also struggle with schedules, in general. I am a work in progress, I guess, and that's ok. I am really trying my best.

So I've lost ⅓ of the weight that I need to get off of myself. I am feeling better in my body than I have in the last 10 years. Regardless of how I look, it's better for my joints and Psoriatic Arthritis to not carry extra fat around. I'm trying to protect what I've got before it's too late.

I'm in bed...

I'm in bed under my weighted blanket, being cuddled by Adrian and Scar.

For the first time in I don't know how long, I feel at peace.

❤️

It's no secret...

It's no secret that I have indulged in retail therapy over the years.  Sometime near the end of last year I really cut out/cut down on buying stuff (most of which was nail polish/stamping plates and succulents) and by and large, I have stuck to it this year, too.  Even if I'm not doing my walking or my strength training, I have stuck to one thing.  Change isn't easy, so I'm proud of myself for that.

I've been trying to spend under a certain amount of money each month.  There are still things I want, but I am being very mindful and showing restraint.

I have also been showing restraint with my eating habits thanks to Semaglutide.  I mean, right now I could totally order and eat Crumbl Cookie.  I don't feel that it would make me sick and it does sound really good.  I am a little hungry and I might make a serving of pizza rolls in a minute... btw, did y'all know that a serving of pizza rolls is 6 pizza rolls?  Well now you do.

Anyway.  It's really nice that it doesn't feel impossible to have some control over what I eat.  It really did before.  If I had a craving, I was super unhappy until it was fulfilled, but then I was super unhappy for having done something that I knew wasn't healthy for me.  There was no winning.

So maybe I'm not gonna be buff and strong this year.  I don't know.  But I will save some money and slowly lose weight and that is progress.  I have a lot of work to do on myself, and anything is better than nothing.  I'm not saying that I wouldn't like to walk and strength train, but it's very difficult to stick to routines and I think that's because of how my brain works.  We shall see.

First therapy session tomorrow!

This reminds me of the time...

This reminds me of the time I was in Wal-Mart with Shaun and I was trying on shoes and I heard my ex who worked there come out from the back telling another coworker that I was crazy. He mentioned a length of time and that's how I knew it was me he was talking about. It was super hard not to pop out of the aisle I was on like "Who, me?" 😂😂😂

Got these chompers cleaned! 😁😁😁

Got these chompers cleaned! 😁😁😁

I love my dentist and I love getting my teeth cleaned and I LOVE that I'm to a point where I'm just at routine maintenance/cleanings.

This week is off to a good start!

I have a therapy appointment this Friday.

I have a therapy appointment this Friday. I'm really optimistic about it. 

I've contacted some therapists.

I've contacted some therapists. We'll see if it pans out this time.

Y'all, I'm struggling right now.

Y'all, I'm struggling right now.

There are several things going on at once, but I'm going through one of my phases where I am exhausted and my routine is non-existent and my self-care is going to shit and I feel ungrounded and it's just straight-up not a good time.

Part of it is stress.  Overall, things are pretty good, but there are some things nagging at me that need to be resolved.  I have probably said that I am doing this before, but I am literally doing it now:  I'm looking for a therapist.  I also think I probably need to be evaluated for Autism/Adhd.  I'm just not functioning like I "should" or would like to.  There are so many things that I relate to within the AuDhd community and if there is help out there for me, then I want it.

I missed a day of work this past week.  That is a whole fun, TMI story, but when has that ever stopped me?  😂

So the doctor who prescribed me the Semaglutide compound told me to stay at the lowest dose (.25mg) for at least 4 weeks.  They said to stay there as long as it was working, and that when I felt I needed to increase the dosage I could do it in .25mg increments.  I started feeling like I needed to increase my dosage and I'd been there for 6 weeks, so this past Tuesday I took .50mg.  I even did the shot by myself.

Well.  Tuesday and most of Wednesday went fine, but I'd been battling a migraine since Monday; I had kept it at bay for 2 days with a lot of Ibuprofen, but it was coming.  I took my migraine pills and went to sleep Wednesday night.  I woke up in the middle of the night with diarrhea and such a super full, overly stuffed feeling in my stomach.  The diarrhea lasted all night and my stomach was so uncomfortable.  Kira could hear me coming in and out of the bathroom and messaged me to check on me.  I told her what was up and she grabbed a Propel water and brought it upstairs for me.  She's sweet.

Recently, my psoriasis has been breaking out, and I think that was due to the protein shakes.  So I cut them out, and when I needed a thick drink I'd just have Lactaid Whole Milk.  And I think that, plus the double-dose of Semaglutide is what got me.  You're not supposed to get crazy on fatty foods on this medication and I just didn't even consider that.

Anyway, I messaged work at about 4 in the morning on Thursday saying that I needed a sick day because I DEFINITELY did.  I still had a headache, had not slept more than an hour stretch thanks to my butt, and I would've been useless.  Thursday morning, Shaun went and picked up some Imodium for me and that shut the booty faucet off for a bit.  I still felt uncomfortably full in my stomach, but tried to sleep off my headache.  At some point my headache disappeared, but I kept that really uncomfortable, overly-full feeling well into Thursday night despite not eating much that day.

I have (thankfully) felt mostly pretty ok physically today, but I've gotta get my mental shit in order ASAP.

As for the Semaglutide, I've read that splitting the higher dose can be helpful in reducing side effects, so I'm going to try that.  I'm going to take the .25mg on Tuesday like I was, and then 4 days later the next .25mg, and then 4 days later do it again and keep going like that if I feel ok.  I am pretty sure that if/when it's time to up my dose again I will do it very slowly (like .05mg/injection or something) because I don't want to go through that again.  I'm not trying to lose weight fast - I just want to feel like myself again.  It's ok with me if that takes time.

Anyway, all that is to say that it wasn't a really fun week overall, but I survived it and learned something, so I guess it's ok.

I hope things are going better for y'all.  If not, hang in there. ❤

Today was medicine day again.

Today was medicine day again.  I now know from last time that I CAN give myself the shot, but that doesn't mean I want to.  😆  Shaun did it for me.  I still get all queasy and weird when I try to do it myself.  It's just not a fun time.

I don't think I had any side effects at all after last week's dose.  I also didn't feel full for most of the week.  I didn't really have trouble controlling my eating, which was nice, but I'm kind of wondering if it's time to go to a higher dose.  Supposedly, until you're at 1 mg, you're at a loading dose and I'm at a quarter of that.  My doctor told me that I could go up, so I will consider it this week and make a decision by next Tuesday.

One thing I have noticed is that my inflammation is worse, which I've read can happen when you lose weight.  So my joints are achy and my skin is terrible, but that's ok.  I am gonna trust the process.  This should just be temporary.

Semaglutide update:

Semaglutide update:

This stuff is working in my brain.

I am not an early bird, and I struggle to get out of bed most days. Literally, if there was one thing I could change about myself it would be that I easily wake up and willingly leave my bed more often. I feel so much guilt over the fact that I sleep so much, and/or just lay in my bed.

Sunday night, Shaun and Cubba slept upstairs and I slept like shit. However, on Monday morning, I (without much internal fighting on my part), got up early enough before work that I got several errands done before work started. That's MAJOR.

I know that I can't attribute every good thing that happens to me on the medication, but I don't know what else could have caused that. If there was ever a day that I was going to shirk errands, it would've been after a night of bad sleep.

Today wasn't the same, but it was also the day of my next shot, so that's ok. I've read that many people are able to tell when their shot is wearing off, and I can relate. I didn't eat a crazy amount of food or anything, but I didn't have the full feeling that I usually have. I also drank one of my Coconut Cream seltzers, which I hadn't made in over a week. Previously, I had been drinking one daily since December, and then one day last week I just... didn't.

So anyway. Today was shot day again. I made a bigger deal out of it than I needed to and it took me 30 minutes to get it done and I still laid in the floor afterwards, but I did it by myself. Despite my bullshit, I'm still proud of myself. 😂 Hopefully, it'll get easier and easier to do.

The only other thing I can think to mention is that I definitely have to exercise now. If I don't, I feel too energetic and have a harder time sleeping. No complaints about having energy, though.

Update on my Semaglutide situation:

Update on my Semaglutide situation:

So I'm not doing progression pics or "starting weight" vs. "goal weight" or anything like that.  We have a scale here and I literally never get on it.  I feel like tracking the weight and/or the way I look would just cause me to hyperfocus and I don't want that.  I just want to be healthy and live, so I'm taking my meds, doing my self-care, and trusting the process.

I'm only two doses in; a lot of things I've read say that these are just the "loading" doses, but for me, the "feeling full longer" thing is 100% happening, plus something mentally.

On our anniversary when we went out we got New Mexican food, which comes with chips, salsa, and queso.  Normally, I would stuff myself on those things, and then still cram down as much of my tacos, rice, and beans as I could.  But that didn't happen.  I had a few chips with toppings, but I was ABLE TO BE MINDFUL that I needed my protein, so I was ABLE TO STOP eating until my plate came.  Then I made sure to eat my tacos and beans (protein and fiber), and then I could eat whatever rice and chips I wanted, which wasn't much.  I also didn't even finish my sopapilla with honey.  I was on the "slightly too full" side of feeling satisfied, and just stopped.

If there is ever a time I'm gonna overeat, it's when we have an "excuse" to eat out and cut loose.  But there I was, my favorite foods in front of me, the excuse right there, and my behavior was totally different.  EASILY.  It wasn't a struggle to not overeat.

That is some game-changing shit.

We got lunch today and I did the same.  I got an egg platter, ate my eggs and beans, then had SOME of my waffle.  I have a massive sweet tooth, so leaving sweets uneaten hasn't been a thing I could do in years.  In my 20s I was able to control my eating, but after my 30s (and depression), I was not.  Yet we still have more than half of our gourmet chocolates left from our anniversary.

Part of it is that I do feel full easier/for longer, but a lot of this seems to be having an impact on my mind/the way I'm thinking about food.  I've never tried any other weight loss program or drug so I have nothing to compare it to, but I really appreciate the way this is working for me so far.  It feels like I'm just being allowed to experience what people who have a healthy relationship with food feel.

Aside from that, I had ENERGY yesterday.  From about the time I got up until I sat down to do Shaun's nails around 8 pm, I was moving.  I cleaned out my closet, organized it, checked 3 different tasks off of my to-do list, caught up on laundry and did some other random cleaning.  That is MAJOR.  Before this medication I would tire out much faster and lose motivation, but I had energy and wanted to take full advantage of that.  I woke up feeling energetic today, as well, but I'm doing things at a much more chill pace.

So that's my update for now.  To be honest, as long as I continue to feel as good as I am, the extra weight is the least of my concerns.  I just want to be a functional person, and I really don't remember the last time things felt so easy to do.

Tl;dr:  I feel full longer, I'm able to make better choices regarding food, and I'm energetic.

Today was pretty good.

Today was pretty good. I SLEPT last night, and I had energy today.

Work was good, and I got a few things checked off my to-do list, so that was nice. I also potted up about 30 pieces of Teddy Bear cholla. They break off our plants and Shaun picks them up and throws them in a pot and they start rooting. I finally decided I was tired of looking at them in a pile.

I had a protein shake this morning, the last few of my cookie dough bites, a piece of string cheese, and a handful of pieces of freeze-dried cheesecake. I definitely need to eat healthier, but I'm not hungry enough for whole meals. I gotta get some healthy snacks on deck. I will do that this weekend.

So far, so good. 😊

Shaun's nose got sore from his CPAP last night...

Shaun's nose got sore from his CPAP last night, so he got up around 3 to go to his game room so he could sleep without the CPAP without his snoring waking me up. Unfortunately, I am a ridiculously light sleeper and I woke up anyway and couldn't get back to sleep. I had demos at 7:30 this morning. They went well, thank goodness. But I've been exhausted and a little headache-y all day.

Other than that, I've had a little heartburn, felt slightly queasy off and on, and mostly have felt too full to eat much. I'm guessing those are side effects from the Sema. It's not too bad; mostly just different. It's the first time I've felt anything other than the extended full feeling. If this is how it works, that makes a lot of sense. I've had a protein shake, some white rice made with chicken broth, and a piece of string cheese today. I wanted some cookie dough bites, so we picked up some of those, but I could only eat a few.

I still WANT to eat a lot - probably out of habit. But I'm listening to my body and not over-doing it, so I think that's probably why I don't feel worse.

Anyway, I'm heading to bed. I have some sleep to catch up on. ❤️

I'm about to say something...

I'm about to say something and it might make some of you think less of me.  But I am who I am:  A chronic over-sharer who can't keep a secret.  So, here we go.

This morning Shadow came downstairs and caught me and Shaun doing something weird. 😆 Well, to him it seemed weird, obviously.  He threw his hand out, looked the other way, and said loudly "I just need some water!" and proceeded into the kitchen looking away from us.  I explained to him what was happening so his mind didn't get crazy on him since he was trying to get some rest after getting off work.

Look.  I'm not gonna drag this part out until the end.  I'm just gonna say it:

After the shortage was declared over, I started Semaglutide for weight loss.  I was prescribed it by a company called Lavender Sky.  It gets compounded with B-12 and sent to me from a pharmacy in TX.  It doesn't go through my insurance; I am paying out of pocket for it.  I just took dose 2 today.  So far, so good.  The only thing I've noticed so far is that I feel fuller for longer.  I'm not having any negative side effects yet.  These are just the loading doses and I have patience for days, so I'm not worried if I don't see a difference in the mirror for a while.

I have no issue with anyone being whatever size they are happy with being, but I haven't felt like myself in a long time - probably pushing 10 years.  Having a sedentary job helped me gain weight.  The stress of college + working + depression + untreated Psoriatic Arthritis was a quadruple combo that really messed me up, and that was all going strong by 2015.  The stress didn't let up, and in fact, intensified at times, before I graduated.  We got Kira, but that came with a lot of tension; the transition was one thing, but the worry of losing her was something else; we lost Shaun's mom and also his dad; of course we lost some pets during those years; and we were SUPER broke because by 2017 Shaun was the only one working when I had to go full time to school for scholarship purposes.  Then the pandemic!  I don't honestly think things let up for us until 2022 after I got the job I wanted and started making money.

There are lots of reasons that people gain weight, and there are lots of reasons they don't lose it.  For me, food was a comfort.  Especially restaurant food.  That's not something I was able to indulge in often as a single parent, but after me and Shaun got together in 2008 it became more of a regular thing.  But I was still young and active and had a good metabolism - for a while, anyway.  Once depression started hitting, I was basically eating garbage just to boost my brain.  I remember when Scooter got sick and I would eat a box of brownies a day for a while.  I remember in college when I was stressed and I'd eat like, 6 drumstick ice creams in a row while watching King of the Hill on repeat because I just couldn't function.  That was my norm on and off for years.  It eased up some after I started being treated for anxiety and depression, but unfortunately, the habits and cravings remained.  And for all I know, weight gain could also be a side effect of those medications, but I do not dare go off them.

Over the years I have tried to lose weight, but it never budged.  I've always hated counting calories, but I really enjoyed fasting.  It cleared my skin and helped my bone pain.  It gave me energy and a sense of control, for once.  But fasting doesn't work if you don't stick to it, and especially if you binge afterwards.  I am great at having self-control - for a short time.  But when it's gone, it's GONE.  (This is how I know I'd make a great addict.)  So I never actually made any progress with weight loss, but many times it has helped me manage my psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis.

Anyway, I've read a lot about Semaglutide and a lot of people who are on it say that it helps to quiet "food noise."  I probably won't know if I have that until it's gone, but I suspect that I do.  I've also read that it helps some people with things like alcohol addiction or addictive behaviors in general.  Other people have even said that they have less inflammation on it.  It hasn't been tested or approved for any of those things (or even weight loss), but I want to try it and so I am.  I know that compounding pharmacies have a certain time until they aren't supposed to make it anymore, but I don't care.  I will buy it off the gray market if it helps me. 🤷

I want to start feeling like myself again.  I've been walking and strength training all year (which I know isn't super long at this point), but I haven't seen any progress on fat loss (though I can tell my arms are stronger).  I truly suspect that I messed up my hormones by being stressed to the breaking point for so many years.  I sacrificed my body to strengthen my mind and get a better job - literally.  In November of 2014, my psoriatic arthritis doctor told me to go to college and change my life.  He said things wouldn't get easier if I didn't.  He knew that financial stress was the biggest stress I had (causing flare-ups and pain), and he knew that I didn't have insurance.  He literally looked me in my face, told me that I was smart enough to do it, and I just... believed him and then tried.  I started college in January of 2015 and finished in December of 2020.  I did that and I made it through; now I have the time and money to take care of my body, and I want to.  If I can't, then what was all of that for?

I do feel better now that I am on thyroid meds, but I don't feel like that alone is going to enable me to make progress.  And really, at this point, all I want is for my efforts to make a difference.  I'm not asking this drug to be a miracle and just melt fat off my body.  I'm willing and able to put in the work, but I definitely need help with getting my eating under control.  With menopause looming around the corner, it's definitely not going to get easier and I HAVE TO get this under control or it's only going to get worse.  I feel like it's now or never.  Time is running out.

So Shadow walked in this morning on me failing, for the second time, to inject myself (in my belly fat roll) with my medicine.  My shirt was on, my fat roll was out, Shaun was standing really close to my chair so I wouldn't fall out, (trying to support me and help me get up my nerve).  I didn't think it looked that weird, though, so I don't know what Shadow thought was going on. 😂

It's such a stupidly tiny needle and I barely even feel it.  I don't know why I can't just stick myself.  I have had many piercings over the years, I like to watch my blood be taken, and I'm not scared of needles.  I mean - my favorite plants are cactus and they stab me ALL THE TIME.  But the thought of stabbing that itty bitty needle into my own flesh just gives me the jeeblies and I start to feel faint and nauseated.  Shaun has given me both shots so far, and I've laid in the floor feeling like a nauseated, faint failure afterwards both times. 😂 It's so dumb.  But I will keep trying.

Anyway, judge me all you want if that's your thing, but I'm tired of trying to do things "the hard way" and failing.  I need help to make progress, and I'm not ashamed to admit that.  I am using the willpower/motivation I have to wake up for work and to do my job and not buy nail polish or succulents and to take care of other things that are my responsibility.  There is barely enough left to do my walking, Duolingo, and strength training in a day.  As usual, I've put myself last on the list, but I am on there at least and getting help.  So this is what I'm doing right now, and now you know. ❤

So I just found out...

So I just found out that Shaun has never heard of a "lie bump." Y'all know it's just a swollen taste bud (or something like that), right? But they were always called "lie bumps" when I was growing up.

So anyway, I hate those things. I clip them off with a cuticle nipper. Shaun is AGHAST at that information. 😂😂😂 But the resulting little sore after you clip it is so much easier to deal with.

What (if anything) do y'all do about them?