Have a closet selfie.

Have a closet selfie. It's been some years since I was feeling myself enough to capture my image on "film."

In 2014 when my psoriatic arthritis flared up it was hard to walk - much less exercise. Being in constant pain (plus some other things going on) sent me into a pretty serious depression spiral. Until it was bad enough that I went on medication I coped by eating junk food, which exacerbated the pain and depression. Then college and the stress that brought kept me eating junk food even with medication.

Needless to say, over those 6 years until I graduated I packed about 20 extra pounds onto my 4 foot, 9 inch frame. That probably doesn't sound too bad for an average-sized person, but being so short it was very noticeable and my self-esteem took a hit... obviously contributing to my depression. When I say that the last several years have been a struggle it is not an exaggeration.

Anyway, this is me right now. No filter, no editing, no makeup. Bonus points for goofy "I woke up like this" bed hair. 😂 I don't have a scale at home, but as of my last doctor appointment I was down 10 lbs. The fun thing about that is that I wasn't even trying. I've been enjoying my body by roller skating and staying busy organizing and cleaning. My depression is leveled out enough that I don't crave junk food 24/7. I still have down days once in a while, but honestly it just reminds me to be grateful for all of the good ones.

I'm still thicc, but I feel my muscles and endurance growing. My clothes fit better and I'm more confident than I've been in so, so long. My psoriasis is down to some very small, tolerable patches / spots even without medication. My bones haven't hurt me in quite a while, thank goodness. All in all I feel like I'm finally on an upward spiral and I hope it continues. I've fought my battles and I'd love to spend some time reaping the rewards and seeing what I can accomplish without my body and mind working against me.

For any of my friends and family who are struggling, please hang in there. It gets better. ❤️

Me, this time last year. 😂😂😂

Me, this time last year. 😂😂😂

I miss having a math class, for real, though. 💔

I love this so much. 😂😂😂

I love this so much. 😂😂😂

College math...

College math was so much more fun for me because of the discussions and explanations; it was beautiful and interesting and I fell in love. I started school with an open mind; I told myself that I would go as far as I could go and see where that takes me. I don't even have the words to express how much mindset affects performance. I felt like I was having a life crisis through several years of schooling because I was learning things I never thought I'd comprehend.

Attitudes and preconceived notions about math / math abilities need to change. Discussions need to happen. Math deserves better - and students do, too.

Tonight is bittersweet.

Tonight is bittersweet. One of my best friends, Dinorah, is moving away and this is her last night in Alabama.

I met Dinorah at JSU and we clicked. I never expected to make a life-long friend in college since there is an age gap between me and most of the other students, but damn I'm glad it happened. I don't know how I would have made it through school without her. She was my sunshine on some pretty dark days. We took some tough classes together. She was the first person who invited me to be a gym partner. I don't know that I ever would have gotten out of my comfort zone and tried yoga without her let alone go to a gym at all. She helped me move when I moved into Shaun's house. She's been a friend in the truest sense of the word.

I feel like the pandemic robbed me of precious time I could have spent with her: More time getting Boba tea. Going out to eat. Choking out in restaurants while she gently embraced me from behind. 😂😂😂 Working out when our schedules meshed right. Watching Netflix and having pizza and Gooey Butter Bars. Hanging out with Shaun and / or Jonathon. Listening to good music. Watching videos on repeat of our wife, Christine and the Queens. Succulent shopping. Going places. Just chilling with the cats and pups. I loved hearing her exclaim "Faithie!" every time she came over. Faith loved her, too. Just talking and laughing and being, well, friends. I needed that. I still do.

I'm not throwing myself a pity party, though. Yeah, I'mma miss my girl, but I can't express how proud I am of her for graduating college and less than a month after that being prepared to pack her ass up and GO. That takes hard work and planning and SHE DID IT. She's been a hard worker for as long as I've known her. Despite being young she's got a good head on her shoulders and I know she's going to be fine - better than fine, really. She's going to do great things in the world and I can't wait to see them.

Moving across the country is a big, bold move. I don't think I would have had the guts to do that at her age. I'm going to be worried for a few days until she arrives at her destination, but I'm so ready for her to have the freedom and opportunity that comes with getting out of Anniston, AL. She has worked so hard and deserves all the good things that life has to offer.

I love you, Pinoran. I love you so damn much. Me and Shaun are here for you always - no matter the distance between us. Have a safe trip and know that I will be internet stalking you until I know you've made it to your new home safely! ❤️❤️❤️

I haven't really said much on here since announcing my graduation...

I haven't really said much on here since announcing my graduation because we've been busy moving.  I guess this is me checking in.

Before the pandemic hit I told Shaun that I wanted him to make the BIGGEST deal out of me graduating because it's been such a hard journey and it would be a massive accomplishment for me.  I don't care to recap every negative thing that's happened to me since I started college in 2015, but suffice it to say I've hung in there despite a lot of stress and major losses, and poor physical and mental health.  I'd planned to attend the graduation ceremony and I wanted a dinner party at Baja, at the very least.  Obviously none of that is going to happen and while I have a small amount of disappointment over it I know that FAR too many people have had much bigger losses due to COVID so I am not complaining.

In other news:  The house is coming along nicely.  The sun room looks great in my opinion.  We have about half of the animals moved in.  We brought Bruce (ball python) the other day, and brought the tortoises last night.  Tort Baby (predictably) dug a little burrow and went straight to sleep after the car ride.  Nom, on the other hand, peed and pooped in his carrier.  BLEGH.  It was probably a good thing, though, because there was a lot of poop and it looks like he might have been constipated.  On the bright side, he did not seem to mind riding in the car.  He didn't attempt to get out of his carrier.  Just chilled and pooped.  😂😂😂  I love having a utility sink in the sun room because it was super convenient to give him a bath before putting him in his new house.  Unlike Tort Baby, Nom explored and walked a lot and then pooped some more.  I bet he's feeling a lot better today.  I noticed he hadn't been his usual social self and I was wondering why.  I hope that explains it.

Last night despite the rain and darkness Shaun and I moved our big ass couch that we got in February to the house.  I don't think we'll ever buy another couch that isn't a sectional because we moved all but one piece of it in two trips in our little cars.  Not having to carry / maneuver one big piece of furniture is AWESOME. Also, I think it looks great here; it fills out the living room nicely.  Shaun's been doing a ton of work around here, but I could tell his brain was done working on anything else until he got the living room set up.  I totally understand preoccupation and mental blocks, so I was like "Yeah, let's do it.  Let's move this couch in the dark and the rain so we can move on to other stuff."  😂  I can tell he feels happier having a place to rest and take a break.

Other than that things have been going pretty well in regards to moving.  Shaun and I have decided that since the lease for the kids apartment is up in mid-January, they'll be staying in our house in Anniston while we get it ready to sell.  While that house is in a far better neighborhood than the house I owned for 14 years, we're still not comfortable leaving it empty.  I think that will work out great.  No rent for the kids and we get the benefit of their presence and their help while they are there.  So we are trying to go ahead and get moved out so that they can move in.

Anyway, I'm staying busy, as usual.  My stress level has dipped knowing that I passed my class, which is nice.  I basically went straight from the school mindset to the moving mindset, so the fact that I'm done with college hasn't really sank in.  I felt excited knowing that I passed my class, but that hasn't translated into "no more classes or homework" in my brain yet.  I am planning to don my cap and gown and take some photos at JSU (hopefully this week), though.  Maybe that will help it feel real.  Without a graduation I just haven't felt that there is a period at the end of the college sentence.  I know that probably sounds goofy because a lot of people skip the ceremony, but I earned it.  I need something to punctuate the end of this chapter.

Well, I'm off to go try to get some things done.  I hope you all are doing well.  If not, don't forget that things can change in the blink of an eye.  Hang in there.  That's the only advice I can give.  ❤

So... I did better on my final than I thought.

Well... I had ice cream for breakfast, spent too much money on nail polish, and had a good cry.

Well... I had ice cream for breakfast, spent too much money on nail polish, and had a good cry.

Now I'm helping Shaun with his father's estate paperwork and commencing with the move to the other house.

I am still disappointed with myself, but it's not over yet. If there's another semester in store for me, that's ok. I enjoyed this material and I'll ace the class if I take it again.

I hope you all are doing well. If not, try to make the best of it. That's all you can do. ❤️

By my estimate I made mid-50s on the final.

By my estimate I made mid-50s on the final. That is not enough to raise my grade to passing. I missed 2 problems for sure because I ran out of time. I missed one because I can't fucking factor, apparently. I don't deserve to pass.

I'm in bed for the night; it's my last sleep before I either graduate or fail a class for the first time.

I'm in bed for the night; it's my last sleep before I either graduate or fail a class for the first time.

After my exam I'll either catch up on social media or have a crippling let-down migraine.

Regardless of what tomorrow brings I'm gonna be feeling things.

Goodnight, friends. ❤️

I'm so excited!

I studied SO MUCH today.

I studied SO MUCH today.  Maybe too much.  I got to one of my favorite kinds of problems and then really crapped all over the calculations - repeatedly.  I had to stop and take a break.  Now my anxiety is up and I'm getting a headache.

Other than that I'm feeling pretty decent about the upcoming final exam.  There were a few things that weren't making sense to me that do now.  I've done so many problems over the last few days that if these processes aren't stuck in my head, they just aren't going to be.  I have one more day to review my material and then it's GO TIME.

There is one big monster of a problem that I'm about to go over again and then I'm calling it a night.  Even though I've been sitting here on my butt studying and practicing math, I'm worn out.  Either I'm old or my brain is using up all of my energy.  😂  Goodnight, friends!  ❤

At least Balthazar...

At least Balthazar doesn't make life hard by insisting he be held 24/7. He's happy to be next to me. He's crashed out under my notebook without a care in the world. 😂

I'm taking a little break before I get back to work.

I'm taking a little break before I get back to work.  The last few days that Shaun has been here for me have been really productive, studying-wise.  I'm fairly certain that I can solve a system of differential equations on the exam now.  I'm also good on MOST of the Laplace transform stuff.  Both of those things make up about 50% of the final.  The other 50% is older stuff from earlier this semester.

I made an 87 on the first exam so hopefully all I need on that material is a little refreshment.  The 2nd exam was in the midst of everything going wrong so I hadn't studied or done homework like I should have before the test, although I did eventually catch up (unfortunately not in time for it to affect my grade in a positive manner).  I'll be looking over that stuff during the next two days and hopefully I'll be all set.

I am feeling pretty good at the moment; a little stressed, but not panicked and not feeling like doom is hanging over me.  Since classes ended I've lost maybe 4 days of studying due to mental health and busy days (counting Thanksgiving), but other than that I can honestly say that I have put in some serious work.  I know that I've said it a few times by now, but I absolutely know that I can do this stuff.  The question at this point is whether I can do well enough on the final exam to raise my grade to passing.  We will be finding that out very soon.

Well, I hope you all are having a good evening.  There is one more thing I want to cover tonight before my brain tires out, so I'm off to study it.  Have a good night, friends.  ❤

Honestly out here making my life hard.

Honestly out here making my life hard. Just look at him. How am I supposed to move him off my lap while he's lookin' like this!?

I got some studying done today.

I had errands yesterday so took a pre-planned hiatus from schoolwork...

I had errands yesterday so took a pre-planned hiatus from schoolwork because it just wasn't in the cards.  Today I also got nothing done, but I should have.  I feel like my mental health is slipping.  I'm napping when I shouldn't and I'm still tired.  That is a red flag for me.

Shaun's been spending a lot of time working at the other house.  I've basically just asked him to babysit me for a few days.  The anxiety of school plus how weird it feels with him being gone so much is not working out too great for me at the moment.  I am generally pretty independent, but right now I feel super vulnerable and tense and the tension is sapping my energy and I'm trying not to spiral.  I need help and he will help me, but damn if it wasn't very un-sexy to me to have to ask that of him.

And on that note - despite my 3-hour afternoon nap - I am heading to bed.  I hope you all are doing well.  If not, reach out to someone.  Hang in there.  Goodnight.  ❤

I've been studying today.

I've been studying today. Someone is adamant that it's break time. 😂😂😂 He says it's time to put the pen down and snuggle. 😊

Edit: He snatched my pen so he could have a lap to sleep on. Current Status:  Snoring and twitching. 😂😂😂

I tried to do math last night and didn't.

I tried to do math last night and didn't. But I did these other 4 pages today. I needed the practice. Aside from that I slept. It's been one of those dreary, rainy days.

Keeping myself accountable again.

Keeping myself accountable again. I (unfortunately) didn't get far with math today; I've had a stubborn PMS headache all day and even though I slept last night I was tired all day. That is normal for this time of the month for me. 😕 Also, I couldn't get warm for most of the day (even with layers on and the heat up) so my body was really uncomfortable and sore. I am about to call it a night because I am just DONE.

Regardless, I practiced something I blew big time on Quiz 3 - the D operator, which we use to solve Systems of Differential Equations. I have no problem converting from regular derivative notation to this (and back), but mathing around with it like it's Algebra throws me for a loop for some reason. I think I figured it out today, though, so while I didn't do pages upon pages of problems and calculations I did get something important straight in my head.

Yesterday (as I predicted) I was not in a good headspace, not only due to the lack of sleep but also hormones. Shaun was asking me about something yesterday and I looked at him with what I can only guess was a dumb and / or confused look on my face because he was like "Yeah, you're not studying today." 😂 And I was GRUMPY, oh my gosh. But we got a lot of things done at the house so it wasn't a day wasted.

Hopefully I'll be closer to 100% tomorrow. I do understand the processes of how to solve most of these problems, but I need a lot of practice to get good at it.

I hope you all are doing well. Goodnight, friends! ❤️