Life update:

Life update:

Me and Shaun lost our health insurance at the end of April.  We have too much in savings to be eligible for Medicaid here, so we'll have to pay out of pocket for other state insurance.  It's going to be about $750/month to get ourselves covered, which isn't ideal since I'm unemployed.  But I'm grateful for the option.  Btw, the kids still have their Medicaid, so they're fine.

I haven't been to therapy since mid-May because I can't afford to pay $250/week for it.  But I'm doing ok mentally.  We will have to purchase insurance by next month because I won't have enough medication left to be normal if I don't.  I have a supply of my antidepressant and antianxiety, as well as the hormones I need.  I will check in with Shaun tomorrow and see where he is with medication.  Also, I'm going to push him to go to urgent care if his sinus infection doesn't clear up.

I feel like I really needed the deep rest, so being laid off was kind of a relief at first.  Now I've been sick for the last week or so, and I've needed a bunch of rest to recover from that.  I'm feeling mostly better, though, so now I'm just feeling really untethered; but not in a good way.  I guess "aimless" would be a good word to describe it.

There is so much I could be doing.  I could finish swatching my polish.  Work on my database.  Try to sell some of the jewelry I made since I don't have an income.  Try to sell some of our extra stuff from around the house because I love to declutter and money would be nice.

I could clean.  I could do the laundry I've been meaning to do for more than 6 weeks.  I'm down to wearing nightgowns day in and day out because I am literally out of clean clothes.  😆  I could at least make myself some healthy food, but I've been living on soup and pizza rolls and rice pudding for weeks.  I have no willpower to do anything except for water my plants.

The one positive from this downtime is that I have actually started gaining some energy back.  Not enough that I want to use it yet, but it's harder to lay around and that's a good thing.  For the past two nights in a row, I've dreamed about roller skating.  I feel like that's a good sign.  I've ordered a boot stretcher so that I can stretch the toe of my skates and hopefully wear them for longer periods.  They fit toe-to-heel, but I have wide feet and the toe box is so narrow.  It's hard to wear them for long.

As much as schedules feel like prison, I'm far more productive and stable when I have one.

Anyway.  I know of several people who were let go from my previous company and no one is having luck getting hired anywhere.  I'm pretty sure it's the job market and not us.  I have degrees in Math and Computer Science, as well as certifications in ServiceNow.  I feel like I should be pretty marketable.  I had been looking for work involving ServiceNow, but I'm starting to think I need to widen my search and see if that helps.  I'm also considering looking into Salesforce.

Other than that, I have some friends visiting soon and I am so excited about it.  I feel like I need it and I think we all will have a great time.

I hope y'all are doing well.  ❤  I'm not 100%, but things will get better.

I just finished removing and redoing...

I just finished removing and redoing the hard gel overlay that had on when I was fired almost a month ago.

It was super grown out and starting to lift. I have plants to repot on Monday when my dirt arrives.

I might be slipping, y'all.

Maybe I'll get Shaun's nails taken care of tomorrow.

I'm in bed...

I'm in bed under my weighted blanket, being cuddled by Adrian and Scar.

For the first time in I don't know how long, I feel at peace.

❤️

I feel like I'm in an anxiety-induced depressive spiral...

I feel like I'm in an anxiety-induced depressive spiral. I'm having trouble doing anything productive.

Look at the flowers, though. It's the pink one's first time!

I'm about to say something...

I'm about to say something and it might make some of you think less of me.  But I am who I am:  A chronic over-sharer who can't keep a secret.  So, here we go.

This morning Shadow came downstairs and caught me and Shaun doing something weird. 😆 Well, to him it seemed weird, obviously.  He threw his hand out, looked the other way, and said loudly "I just need some water!" and proceeded into the kitchen looking away from us.  I explained to him what was happening so his mind didn't get crazy on him since he was trying to get some rest after getting off work.

Look.  I'm not gonna drag this part out until the end.  I'm just gonna say it:

After the shortage was declared over, I started Semaglutide for weight loss.  I was prescribed it by a company called Lavender Sky.  It gets compounded with B-12 and sent to me from a pharmacy in TX.  It doesn't go through my insurance; I am paying out of pocket for it.  I just took dose 2 today.  So far, so good.  The only thing I've noticed so far is that I feel fuller for longer.  I'm not having any negative side effects yet.  These are just the loading doses and I have patience for days, so I'm not worried if I don't see a difference in the mirror for a while.

I have no issue with anyone being whatever size they are happy with being, but I haven't felt like myself in a long time - probably pushing 10 years.  Having a sedentary job helped me gain weight.  The stress of college + working + depression + untreated Psoriatic Arthritis was a quadruple combo that really messed me up, and that was all going strong by 2015.  The stress didn't let up, and in fact, intensified at times, before I graduated.  We got Kira, but that came with a lot of tension; the transition was one thing, but the worry of losing her was something else; we lost Shaun's mom and also his dad; of course we lost some pets during those years; and we were SUPER broke because by 2017 Shaun was the only one working when I had to go full time to school for scholarship purposes.  Then the pandemic!  I don't honestly think things let up for us until 2022 after I got the job I wanted and started making money.

There are lots of reasons that people gain weight, and there are lots of reasons they don't lose it.  For me, food was a comfort.  Especially restaurant food.  That's not something I was able to indulge in often as a single parent, but after me and Shaun got together in 2008 it became more of a regular thing.  But I was still young and active and had a good metabolism - for a while, anyway.  Once depression started hitting, I was basically eating garbage just to boost my brain.  I remember when Scooter got sick and I would eat a box of brownies a day for a while.  I remember in college when I was stressed and I'd eat like, 6 drumstick ice creams in a row while watching King of the Hill on repeat because I just couldn't function.  That was my norm on and off for years.  It eased up some after I started being treated for anxiety and depression, but unfortunately, the habits and cravings remained.  And for all I know, weight gain could also be a side effect of those medications, but I do not dare go off them.

Over the years I have tried to lose weight, but it never budged.  I've always hated counting calories, but I really enjoyed fasting.  It cleared my skin and helped my bone pain.  It gave me energy and a sense of control, for once.  But fasting doesn't work if you don't stick to it, and especially if you binge afterwards.  I am great at having self-control - for a short time.  But when it's gone, it's GONE.  (This is how I know I'd make a great addict.)  So I never actually made any progress with weight loss, but many times it has helped me manage my psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis.

Anyway, I've read a lot about Semaglutide and a lot of people who are on it say that it helps to quiet "food noise."  I probably won't know if I have that until it's gone, but I suspect that I do.  I've also read that it helps some people with things like alcohol addiction or addictive behaviors in general.  Other people have even said that they have less inflammation on it.  It hasn't been tested or approved for any of those things (or even weight loss), but I want to try it and so I am.  I know that compounding pharmacies have a certain time until they aren't supposed to make it anymore, but I don't care.  I will buy it off the gray market if it helps me. 🤷

I want to start feeling like myself again.  I've been walking and strength training all year (which I know isn't super long at this point), but I haven't seen any progress on fat loss (though I can tell my arms are stronger).  I truly suspect that I messed up my hormones by being stressed to the breaking point for so many years.  I sacrificed my body to strengthen my mind and get a better job - literally.  In November of 2014, my psoriatic arthritis doctor told me to go to college and change my life.  He said things wouldn't get easier if I didn't.  He knew that financial stress was the biggest stress I had (causing flare-ups and pain), and he knew that I didn't have insurance.  He literally looked me in my face, told me that I was smart enough to do it, and I just... believed him and then tried.  I started college in January of 2015 and finished in December of 2020.  I did that and I made it through; now I have the time and money to take care of my body, and I want to.  If I can't, then what was all of that for?

I do feel better now that I am on thyroid meds, but I don't feel like that alone is going to enable me to make progress.  And really, at this point, all I want is for my efforts to make a difference.  I'm not asking this drug to be a miracle and just melt fat off my body.  I'm willing and able to put in the work, but I definitely need help with getting my eating under control.  With menopause looming around the corner, it's definitely not going to get easier and I HAVE TO get this under control or it's only going to get worse.  I feel like it's now or never.  Time is running out.

So Shadow walked in this morning on me failing, for the second time, to inject myself (in my belly fat roll) with my medicine.  My shirt was on, my fat roll was out, Shaun was standing really close to my chair so I wouldn't fall out, (trying to support me and help me get up my nerve).  I didn't think it looked that weird, though, so I don't know what Shadow thought was going on. 😂

It's such a stupidly tiny needle and I barely even feel it.  I don't know why I can't just stick myself.  I have had many piercings over the years, I like to watch my blood be taken, and I'm not scared of needles.  I mean - my favorite plants are cactus and they stab me ALL THE TIME.  But the thought of stabbing that itty bitty needle into my own flesh just gives me the jeeblies and I start to feel faint and nauseated.  Shaun has given me both shots so far, and I've laid in the floor feeling like a nauseated, faint failure afterwards both times. 😂 It's so dumb.  But I will keep trying.

Anyway, judge me all you want if that's your thing, but I'm tired of trying to do things "the hard way" and failing.  I need help to make progress, and I'm not ashamed to admit that.  I am using the willpower/motivation I have to wake up for work and to do my job and not buy nail polish or succulents and to take care of other things that are my responsibility.  There is barely enough left to do my walking, Duolingo, and strength training in a day.  As usual, I've put myself last on the list, but I am on there at least and getting help.  So this is what I'm doing right now, and now you know. ❤

I crashed hard after I took my meds.

I crashed hard after I took my meds. Scar was eating and not with me.

I woke up at 3 and he wasn't on my pillow. Usually, he wants under my cheek or just flops down on my nose. If I move, he moves (just like that). Sorry, couldn't resist - but yeah. If I move, he re-snuggles me almost immediately every time. He sometimes runs me off the pillow until I'm sideways in bed. 

But last night, he was near my chest, not touching me at all. 😭😭😭

When I woke up and noticed, I petted him. He reached a paw out and touched my chest. He's back to halfway on my pillow now, but still keeping some space. He's touching my arm, but not snuggling.

I may have bitten him harder than I thought. In my dream I was biting in self-defense, so I wasn't fucking around. He didn't cry out or run away, but he was asleep and probably as stunned as I was. He's definitely behaving different towards me, though, and I'm sad. I know it sounds funny, (and maybe it is) but in reality I was messed up about it all day yesterday.

Around 6 this morning, I was having a nightmare.

Around 6 this morning, I was having a nightmare.

I know this because I woke up... with a mouth full of fur. 😬

I was fighting someone in my dream and in real life bit Scar on the back.

I must not have hurt him (thank goodness) because he didn't move. He slept on my pillow the rest of the morning.

I know that I've yelled in my sleep. I probably do the regular flailing, but have no confirmation of that. But waking up nomming on the back of my cat is a new one for me. 😬😅

This makes my third week on Testosterone and Hypothyroid meds.

This makes my third week on Testosterone and Hypothyroid meds. According to the doctor, I should be feeling pretty good by now - and I do.

• No migraines since I started these meds
• Sleeping better
• Not always cold; in fact I'm sometimes warm without a hoodie and blanket
• I've got a bit more energy
• Even though I've felt stress, I'm not taken out by it
• Not as achy as I was, but it's still there
• Have possibly lost a little weight, but I'm not really tracking it
• I still have bouts of brain fog, but I'm finding my words better than I used to

This is DEFINITELY improvement. I'll have my hormone levels tested pretty soon and see how it looks from that perspective, but I'm grateful that I'm feeling a good bit better.

I don't know what would get me back to 100% (or if it's even possible to do so), but I'm going to try to stay on top of my self-care and continue looking for answers for whatever ails me. I won't say that I don't trust doctors, but I feel better when I'm an active participant in my care. It feels better than taking someone's word over something as important as health.

Also, just throwing this out there since it's a health update:  My lichen sclerosis is under control, as well. My downstairs is ok and still there and doing what it should. I was terrified that it would never be ok, but it is and that's a huge relief.

For the past week I've been super stressed.

For the past week I've been super stressed. Politically, there is a whole lot going on and I'm sure that's a strategy to overwhelm us. I'm trying not to let it work. I also had some work stress, which ended up not being bad, but I did work some longer hours. That's ok. My point is that I slept late today because I just felt like I needed it.

At 1:something, Shaun came upstairs to check on me, which I normally appreciate, but I was still half asleep and he was turned up to 100. 😂😂😂 He was like "I thawed a rat and need your help feeding the snake we could've gone on a road trip today I can probably feed the snake by myself it's whatever what do you want to do?" and I'm just tucked in with my cat and squinting at him like "Wtf, bro?"

I'm so glad he felt great today, but that was a bit much. 😂😂😂

Anyway, I slept late and didn't have a sleep hangover, so to me that says I needed it. Despite feeling stressed most of the week, I didn't have nightmares last night. I actually had pleasant and entertaining dreams for once. I can't remember the last time that happened.

So yesterday was 2 full weeks on Testosterone and I haven't had a migraine despite my stress levels, so that's amazing. I'm finally sleeping at night again and it's wonderful. Even if I wake up to pee or whatever I'm usually able to fall back asleep. I also feel less brain-foggy and that is a huge relief.

I haven't hopped on a scale, but I feel like I might have lost some weight, too. I'm not doing anything crazy. I have a 32-day streak of walking at least 15 minutes per day. I started small because I figured it would be easier to make into a habit. I am still doing weights 3x/week, except that I skipped 2 days last week. Instead of beating myself up, I'm just going to pick up where I left off this coming week.

I don't know if weight loss would be due to the Testosterone or not, but I also started meds for Hypothyroid around the same time. All I do know is that I tried to lose weight before, during, and after college and it didn't matter if I fasted for days and walked an hour a day at the gym, it wasn't budging. But now I feel like I'm not actually trying hard and it's happening, not to mention that I don't constantly feel like I'm freezing all the time.

Whatever it is, I'm grateful that I'm feeling more normal. I also feel like I finally have a say over the state of my body. It's just weird to me that I spent so much time trying to get in shape and it wasn't happening, but now that my hormones are medicated, it doesn't feel like it will be impossible anymore. Hopefully, this will be a healthy year for me. We shall see.

I'm here to ramble again...

I'm here to ramble again because it helps to quiet my mind.  Feel free to skip this.  I'm gonna break it into sections for readability, I guess.

ANXIETY

My lips and cheeks are chewed to death.  I hate it when I get this way.  I am still on my antidepressant and antianxiety meds, but so many people are having a hard time right now and it is really upsetting.  Politically, things are going worse than I imagined.  I was hoping that the tangerine felon would just play golf through his term again, but food prices are rising (if it even makes it to the shelf), ICE is being spotted everywhere, and I'm mad as hell at everyone who voted for this.  I hope it comes back and hurts you more than it hurts anyone who didn't vote for this.  Take it personally because that's how I mean it.  Not to mention his "jokes" about serving another term.  He's obviously trying to set up to be a dictator and some of y'all are just here for it.  My only solace is that he's a crusty old man and might die.  If not, perhaps another Luigi will step up.  I said what I said.  I like it when the villain dies and that doesn't just apply to fiction.  I'm not religious or superstitious so I have zero qualms about saying it.  I will not feel bad if it happens.  I will dance.  I guess I needed to get that off my chest.

If it's not clear:  I believe in helping people.  I believe that no on is illegal on stolen land.  I believe that billionaires are a problem to be solved and that they are pitting the lower classes against each other to keep us distracted.  I believe that anyone who hoards wealth while people suffer in poverty has a serious character flaw.  I believe we should all pay our fair share of taxes, INCLUDING high-earners.  I say this having come up from poverty - literally supporting myself and my child on $17,000/year + depending on government assistance to making bank now.  I pay my taxes - my taxes are paid.  HELP OUR COMMUNITIES WITH IT!

(I know that New Mexico does take care of its citizens and that is one of the main reasons I moved here.  The red states need to get their shit together.)

More on my feelers:  We have been doing a good job about not eating out/DoorDashing food during the week.  We are doing that to save money and to try to encourage us to eat healthier.  But today... today I needed sloppy food and carbs.  I was craving it.  We ordered pizza and brownies and I have no regrets.  Sometimes we just have to comfort ourselves.  We'll get back to the routine starting tomorrow.

HORMONES

Testosterone is supposed to help with anxiety, but I am unsure if it is having any effect or not because, well, see above.  I did sleep basically through the night last night, though.  I woke up once to pee.  So I am happy about catching up on my rest.  Now if only I could calm down.  At least I haven't had another migraine.  Yay for silver linings.

I am also on a hypothyroid medication.  I am noticing that I don't feel cold as often.  I haven't hopped on a scale to measure it, but I feel like I might be losing some weight.  I'm not doing anything extra besides walking a little every day, doing my strength routine 3x week, and trying to eat at home during the week.  Doing that and more before starting this medication never once helped me shed the extra pounds I was carrying.  So if having the diet and exercise routine of a normal human being is working for me now, that's pretty great.  No complaints here.

RELIEF

I guess shouting into the void does something.  I feel exhausted now.

My anxiety has been up for a few days.

My anxiety has been up for a few days. My mouth and lips are chewed to shreds. 😬

Today wasn't 💯, but...

Today wasn't 💯, but it really wasn't bad considering how terribly I slept due to how anxious I was about work.

I kind of bit off a lot to do on Thursday and the rest of my team has to wait for me to do my part before they can do theirs, so that's no pressure. /sarcasm 😂 I worked on it some Thursday and Friday, but I knew I'd feel better if I just had some quiet hours to dedicate to it today.

I slept late today because of how bad I slept. I finally texted Shaun to come get me out of the bedroom in the afternoon because I was just so anxious that I wasn't moving. He got me up, and I ended up getting most of my work done today. I didn't make any actual changes to the client's instance, but I have everything documented and linked in Excel so that we (as a team) can go over it on Monday and knock it out quickly. I just didn't want to be in there making that many changes without a second set of eyes.

Anyway, I feel good because I got so much done. I'm also really happy because usually when my anxiety is up and my sleep is bad I get a migraine. That didn't happen today - thank goodness. Testosterone is supposed to help with anxiety and migraines, so that may be why I didn't. If all I get is a little stuck and needing a nudge, I am fine with that. I usually know how/when to ask for help.

Well, it's 1 in the morning. I'm heading to bed. I hope I get some good sleep tonight. Hopefully I will since I don't feel worried about anything at the moment.

I fully admit that I'm a ridiculous person.

I fully admit that I'm a ridiculous person.  I'm ok with it.  I'm living my best life openly and authentically.  But there are times that I really think I'm closer to the neurodivergent end of the spectrum than I thought my whole life.  I should probably get tested.

Example:  I recently got a new tablet/laptop/all-in-one because my Surface tablet that Shaun bought me around 7 years ago when I started at JSU has been failing.  There have been issues with charging it despite buying a new charger, so I haven't been able to reliably use it in a while.

I also had this giant desktop-replacement laptop that I've had for 4-ish years that worked for most things, but I couldn't play my puzzle games on it as easily due to the size and the fact that it it didn't convert into a tablet.  I recently wiped and re-homed it and got something newer to replace both the tablet and laptop and it works for everything I want to use it for.  I really love it and that's great.

HOWEVER, now that I'm back to playing games on it I can't stop.  I enjoy the Microsoft Solitaire games once in a while, but they have daily challenges (5/day) going back to January.  Guess what?  I can't not do them all.  It's so dumb.  It's like if I'm going to do any of them, I MUST have a perfect record for the year.  Am I having a blast?  Nope.  It's just a compulsion and I know from years of being myself that fighting it isn't going to make it better.  If anything, I will be able to put it off, but at some point I'll panic and try my hardest to finish them all before the end of the year.  So I might as well save myself the stress and do what I can starting NOW.

I could be working on my database.  I could be writing.  I could be working on my website.  There are so many things I could be doing and would like to be doing, but I'm not.  Because Solitaire.  I'm going to either keep up with the daily games starting in January or just swear them off entirely this coming year.  I wish I'd never started them when I got this new computer, but I did and now I'm dealing with those consequences.

Another thing I'm binging hard as fuck is Dexter.  We're on the last season - FINALLY.  And I just want to finish it.  I don't know why everything has to be a "challenge" to me, but many things that should be relaxing are just... not.

How I relaxed today after this past ridiculously-long week was to snooze in my bed off and on until 4 pm.  I don't have a sleep hangover so I clearly needed the rest, but there is nothing to me more luxurious than being left alone in my bed.  I wasn't allowed to sleep in much on weekends as a kid.  Then when I had Shadow I wasn't sleeping much because I had a baby.  Then a boyfriend who wouldn't drive but wanted to be driven all over the world on the weekends, and many years of working more than one job, etc.  Sleep and being left alone have always felt like luxuries to me.  Thankfully, Shaun understands and when I need quality time with my bed, he leaves me to it.  So by the time I got up today, I felt pretty good.  I accomplished literally nothing, but at least I'm rested.

Despite the rude awakening last night...

Despite the rude awakening last night, I feel pretty good-ish today.

I say good-ish because my skeleton isn't super happy. Ever since I had a Dr. Pepper the other day, I've had one almost every day and my psoriatic arthritis isn't a fan. But this is how I'm emotionally coping with the state of the yard and the Bear stress. This is 100% why I can't try a drug harder than caffeine. Addiction runs in my family and I can tell by my reaction to a fucking soda that it's not safe for me to try anything else. It's just not.

I can keep my psoriasis and arthritis to a manageable level without medication if I carefully watch my diet. I have a sweet tooth, though, so it's hard. Sugar is bad for my skin and bones. And these creamy, custom-mixed coconut Dr. Peppers are just so damn good right now. I have given in and accepted that I'm on these at least for the next month. I've quit soda and caffeine before. I can do it again when I feel like I don't need a crutch.

I know this probably sounds so lame. But since starting this drink, revisiting a game I used to play on my phone, making some lists, and finally starting to get some good sleep again, I feel mentally better than I have in a few weeks. All 4 of those things have given me boosts that I really, really needed.

I'm watching Bear nap right now. I'm gonna mess around on my laptop and check a few things off my to-do list while he sleeps. Shaun is currently napping. He really needs it. He hasn't felt well lately. I think that spending so much time outside in the dust with Bear has messed with his sinuses and he's congested.

On top of that, Bear's sedatives seem to be doing less and less to keep him chill, so Shaun's been chasing after him all week while I work. We're basically just propping each other up for the next 4 weeks (until Bear is cleared for normal activity and the yard is less fucked). We've got this. We've definitely been through worse. We'll be ok. We're just not currently having a great time. But that's life, I guess.

Today started with Bear having diarrhea in his crate.

Today started with Bear having diarrhea in his crate. Shaun slept downstairs last night, but he isn't feeling well and didn't hear Bear whining to get out. 😕

We know Bear is not supposed to fall until after July 3rd, so we couldn't give him a proper bath in case he might slip in the tub. He didn't enjoy being wiped down for as long as it took him to get clean.

We got a call from the vet that nothing is wrong with Harley (the cat who peed on the couch last week). So I guess he was diagnosed as an asshole. 😂 Fun. We'll just have to keep an eye on him.

Other than that, we gave the dogs some bones yesterday evening. Since they can't go outside unsupervised, Cub decided to bury his in the couch. Then he proceeded to worry over it and check on it anytime anyone came near. He bopped Harley with his muzzle for getting too close! 😂 We had to un-bury it and end his anxiety. He can have it back once the yard is normal again.

I'm low on life force, but hanging in here. These goofy creatures help. But if I'm slow to respond to comments or messages, it's me - not you. ❤️

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed.

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed. I have been for weeks and it hasn't eased up yet. Every chance I get I hide in my bed. I'm concerned this overwhelm is triggering breakthrough depression.

I've DoorDashed my current favorite snack and plan to do some housework after I digest. I like my house and want to take care of it. I always feel better after I do. Maybe being productive will lift my spirits a bit.

The work day is almost over and I am grateful.

The work day is almost over and I am grateful. I feel like I should have just taken today off. It hasn't even been hectic; I've just had a minor headache I can't shake all day.

We were woken up to heavy equipment use in the yard. We were told the guys probably wouldn't be working today. 😂

I think I'm stressed about Bear. He's doing fine. No signs of infection. He's getting around with our help. I don't love how infrequently he uses the bathroom, but I know it's hard on him. I just feel like I'm gonna break him or hurt him and I hate that.

I'm just over here in my feelings. 😂

I might have to have a drink today. Coconut Dr. Pepper sounds nice.

Whew! I'm glad I'm off work today.

Whew! I'm glad I'm off work today. It's been a hectic morning already.

I AM NOT COMPLAINING... but:

The pool guys are here digging up the yard. We were told the work would start around the beginning of APRIL. I'm not upset that they ran behind. It happens.

They came by on Tuesday to see the yard and talk to us. The pool installer said he would send a text or call us to confirm, but that the work might start today.

We woke up to them working in the yard.

No text or call on either of our phones.

We had to walk the dogs individually out front. Not too bad for Cub, but it is unfamiliar territory for Bear. He didn't have his pee or poop smells to trigger him and hasn't used the bathroom yet. He's less sedated today, as well, and seemed like he thought we were going on an adventure. 😬 Shaun ended up carrying him back in.

Shaun has major anxiety anytime anyone is here to do work. I get it. It's uncomfortable. But it's next-level for him and since he didn't even have time to wake up and prepare for the fact that they were coming it's extra not great. It's only 10 in the morning and his nerves are shot.

Not to mention that it would have been nice to not do this at the same time Bear is recovering. 😅 But it is what it is.

I know how privileged this must sound. "My dog is recovering from expensive surgery while our pool is being installed. Poor me." I don't mean it like that at all. I am grateful for all of the nice things in my life because at one point I could have never imagined being in this position. But I would be lying if I said there wasn't still some stress, especially on days like today.

I'm feeling extra SPICY today...

I'm feeling extra SPICY today and this is just me blowing off some steam. 😬

I'm cold and uncomfortable and I'm mad about it. The temperature in the house is 70°F and it's sunny out and I'm in a hoodie and socks (with my other clothes, duh) and also under a blanket and I'm still not warming up.

I'm having ANXIETY because there are some things to do around here and they are slow to get done. We're doing the things we have control over (look at my picture - we cleaned the "junk pile" that was in the dining room / other side of my office - so that's nice), but we're waiting on things we just have to wait on. Like the tree trimming that has turned into tree removals 😭😭😭 and the floor situation in the sunroom (we can't put the floor down until it arrives).

I'm sad about the 2 trees were losing, but they're sick and there's no saving them. 😞 The new floor in the sunroom would make cleaning SUPER easy. Right now it's concrete and awful to sweep / vacuum (the litter boxes are out there). We're also waiting for a custom glass panel for our sliding glass door. Right now we have to leave the door open for Bear. The custom one will have a doggie door in it. (Cubba and the cats have been using a doggie door that's placed in a low window with stairs, and Bear can't do stairs.)

The built-in doggie door and the sunroom floor will be super nice to have done because then we can remove the stairs at the window and also have room to move Tort Baby out there, which I am excited to do because I get sensory overload like a bitch when he's scratching next to me and I'm trying to think about / do anything else... Which is a problem because this space is my office now. 😬😂

I am an ENTIRE, WHOLE mess right now because all of these things are nagging at me and on top of it all (or more like, beneath it, probably - and one of the major reasons I'm dealing with things so poorly) is the fact that I've been super terrible with my diet and exercise for a while now so my psoriasis is coming back and my skin feels TERRIBLE. I can only blame myself for that part, but the worse I feel the less good I take care of myself, so it's a bad negative spiral that I need to break ASAP.

Fun times. 😂

Stress sucks.

I think with all of the house changes, losing Oreo, starting a new project at work, the things wrong with Bear, keeping our old cats in good health, etc.... It's been kind of a lot the last few months. No wonder my self-care has been slipping. I need to chill down and focus.

At least having my junk pile cleaned up will help that. It's a good start.

I've been home for ~2 weeks and...

I've been home for ~2 weeks and I have been exhausted the whole time. I think the trip to Alabama took a lot out of me, not to mention the toll that near-constant worry over Oreo has taken.

I haven't been sleeping super well and I napped late in the day today, but the weather was pretty nice considering the season and I felt like going out. So me and Shaun took Cub to the park and had a little walk. I think I needed that.

I don't know the reasoning behind it, but you usually only see afternoon balloons in the winter. Most of the rest of the year they are out in the early morning. So it was nice to catch one in the sky today. 🙂