I'm about to say something...

I'm about to say something and it might make some of you think less of me.  But I am who I am:  A chronic over-sharer who can't keep a secret.  So, here we go.

This morning Shadow came downstairs and caught me and Shaun doing something weird. 😆 Well, to him it seemed weird, obviously.  He threw his hand out, looked the other way, and said loudly "I just need some water!" and proceeded into the kitchen looking away from us.  I explained to him what was happening so his mind didn't get crazy on him since he was trying to get some rest after getting off work.

Look.  I'm not gonna drag this part out until the end.  I'm just gonna say it:

After the shortage was declared over, I started Semaglutide for weight loss.  I was prescribed it by a company called Lavender Sky.  It gets compounded with B-12 and sent to me from a pharmacy in TX.  It doesn't go through my insurance; I am paying out of pocket for it.  I just took dose 2 today.  So far, so good.  The only thing I've noticed so far is that I feel fuller for longer.  I'm not having any negative side effects yet.  These are just the loading doses and I have patience for days, so I'm not worried if I don't see a difference in the mirror for a while.

I have no issue with anyone being whatever size they are happy with being, but I haven't felt like myself in a long time - probably pushing 10 years.  Having a sedentary job helped me gain weight.  The stress of college + working + depression + untreated Psoriatic Arthritis was a quadruple combo that really messed me up, and that was all going strong by 2015.  The stress didn't let up, and in fact, intensified at times, before I graduated.  We got Kira, but that came with a lot of tension; the transition was one thing, but the worry of losing her was something else; we lost Shaun's mom and also his dad; of course we lost some pets during those years; and we were SUPER broke because by 2017 Shaun was the only one working when I had to go full time to school for scholarship purposes.  Then the pandemic!  I don't honestly think things let up for us until 2022 after I got the job I wanted and started making money.

There are lots of reasons that people gain weight, and there are lots of reasons they don't lose it.  For me, food was a comfort.  Especially restaurant food.  That's not something I was able to indulge in often as a single parent, but after me and Shaun got together in 2008 it became more of a regular thing.  But I was still young and active and had a good metabolism - for a while, anyway.  Once depression started hitting, I was basically eating garbage just to boost my brain.  I remember when Scooter got sick and I would eat a box of brownies a day for a while.  I remember in college when I was stressed and I'd eat like, 6 drumstick ice creams in a row while watching King of the Hill on repeat because I just couldn't function.  That was my norm on and off for years.  It eased up some after I started being treated for anxiety and depression, but unfortunately, the habits and cravings remained.  And for all I know, weight gain could also be a side effect of those medications, but I do not dare go off them.

Over the years I have tried to lose weight, but it never budged.  I've always hated counting calories, but I really enjoyed fasting.  It cleared my skin and helped my bone pain.  It gave me energy and a sense of control, for once.  But fasting doesn't work if you don't stick to it, and especially if you binge afterwards.  I am great at having self-control - for a short time.  But when it's gone, it's GONE.  (This is how I know I'd make a great addict.)  So I never actually made any progress with weight loss, but many times it has helped me manage my psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis.

Anyway, I've read a lot about Semaglutide and a lot of people who are on it say that it helps to quiet "food noise."  I probably won't know if I have that until it's gone, but I suspect that I do.  I've also read that it helps some people with things like alcohol addiction or addictive behaviors in general.  Other people have even said that they have less inflammation on it.  It hasn't been tested or approved for any of those things (or even weight loss), but I want to try it and so I am.  I know that compounding pharmacies have a certain time until they aren't supposed to make it anymore, but I don't care.  I will buy it off the gray market if it helps me. 🤷

I want to start feeling like myself again.  I've been walking and strength training all year (which I know isn't super long at this point), but I haven't seen any progress on fat loss (though I can tell my arms are stronger).  I truly suspect that I messed up my hormones by being stressed to the breaking point for so many years.  I sacrificed my body to strengthen my mind and get a better job - literally.  In November of 2014, my psoriatic arthritis doctor told me to go to college and change my life.  He said things wouldn't get easier if I didn't.  He knew that financial stress was the biggest stress I had (causing flare-ups and pain), and he knew that I didn't have insurance.  He literally looked me in my face, told me that I was smart enough to do it, and I just... believed him and then tried.  I started college in January of 2015 and finished in December of 2020.  I did that and I made it through; now I have the time and money to take care of my body, and I want to.  If I can't, then what was all of that for?

I do feel better now that I am on thyroid meds, but I don't feel like that alone is going to enable me to make progress.  And really, at this point, all I want is for my efforts to make a difference.  I'm not asking this drug to be a miracle and just melt fat off my body.  I'm willing and able to put in the work, but I definitely need help with getting my eating under control.  With menopause looming around the corner, it's definitely not going to get easier and I HAVE TO get this under control or it's only going to get worse.  I feel like it's now or never.  Time is running out.

So Shadow walked in this morning on me failing, for the second time, to inject myself (in my belly fat roll) with my medicine.  My shirt was on, my fat roll was out, Shaun was standing really close to my chair so I wouldn't fall out, (trying to support me and help me get up my nerve).  I didn't think it looked that weird, though, so I don't know what Shadow thought was going on. 😂

It's such a stupidly tiny needle and I barely even feel it.  I don't know why I can't just stick myself.  I have had many piercings over the years, I like to watch my blood be taken, and I'm not scared of needles.  I mean - my favorite plants are cactus and they stab me ALL THE TIME.  But the thought of stabbing that itty bitty needle into my own flesh just gives me the jeeblies and I start to feel faint and nauseated.  Shaun has given me both shots so far, and I've laid in the floor feeling like a nauseated, faint failure afterwards both times. 😂 It's so dumb.  But I will keep trying.

Anyway, judge me all you want if that's your thing, but I'm tired of trying to do things "the hard way" and failing.  I need help to make progress, and I'm not ashamed to admit that.  I am using the willpower/motivation I have to wake up for work and to do my job and not buy nail polish or succulents and to take care of other things that are my responsibility.  There is barely enough left to do my walking, Duolingo, and strength training in a day.  As usual, I've put myself last on the list, but I am on there at least and getting help.  So this is what I'm doing right now, and now you know. ❤

I'm not sick, but...

I'm not sick, but I've felt like crap for the last couple of days. I think I've been eating too much junk and not moving around enough. I have all this tension in my shoulders and I'm not even worried about stuff. I might go get on the treadmill after work to see if I can work any of it off. There also might be a little few-day fast in my future. I gotta get right.

We're making the best of things.

We're making the best of things. Shaun is laid off and my only remaining class is online. I can't really express how happy I am to be "stuck" home with my love. We're a good team. We've been tackling chores and house projects with our downtime. Also catching up on shows and watching movies together. It's like a vacation. A doom vacation, but what can you do?

We stocked the kids up on groceries the other day. They said they've been staying home. I'm happy about that. We've been staying in a LOT more. This is probably the longest we've gone without eating Baja in the last 2 years. 😂😂😂 But we'll be ok. We have groceries and Soylent is our backup plan. I'm used to fasting so I can easily eat only 3 days / week if it comes to that. I've done that off and on for the last few years and I still have some booty to spare, so it's all good. 😂😂😂

I hope you all are doing well. We're trying! Stay safe, friends!

Tl;dr: I feel better.

Tl;dr:  I feel better.

Yesterday was pretty good. I turned in the big assignment that has been hanging over my head for weeks. That's a relief. I got some appointments scheduled and also found out that there is a relatively easy solution to something that's been bothering me for a while. The worst part of yesterday was going out in the cold repeatedly to show the dogs their house and worrying that they would freeze to death. They didn't, but I know they must be uncomfortable. I really hope they'll start using their house, but at least we're back into 30s°F for now.

I just saw my therapist and he said that I seem a lot better. I definitely feel it. I'm back to fasting on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That's not something I've really spoken about publicly, but I don't eat on those days. Counting sleep, it comes out to about a 36-hour fast each time. I do this to keep my psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis in check. It works for me. I get tons of energy with this eating pattern. In fact, even though I felt tired last night I had trouble sleeping, so that tells me I need to hit the gym to burn off some excess energy.

I was pretty depressed for most of October and like I said before - I tend to abuse and / or comfort myself with food so I ate every day, often in excess. My bones have been a bit achy and my skin broke out again, but after fasting on Friday and Monday, there's already been a noticeable improvement in my skin and bones. Anyway, this post wasn't meant to be about fasting, but there you go. If you have questions about it, feel free to ask.

Other than that we have classes next week. The week after that, Thanksgiving holiday. Then the week after that, final exams. So I'm thisclose to putting another semester behind me. I may not pass Networking, but if that's the case I'm not mad. I'll take it again next semester. 🤷🏻‍♂️ I will have still gotten through two classes, neither of which I would want to repeat.

Since I'll likely only be part time at school next semester I'm going to try to get a part time job. I will need a certification that I'm planning to try to get next month. I haven't done all of the research yet, but I think it's pricey to do ($1200?) and I don't really know how I'll pay for that, but where there's a will, there's a way. I'll throw myself into researching that over the Thanksgiving holiday. For now I have two exams that I need to put my focus on.

So yeah. I'm feeling a good bit better. I got some major stressors handled and have sort of a game plan for the next few months / next semester. I'm sure my medication has played a large part in that, as well as having supportive friends and family. I'm still on Lexapro for depression and since I started taking half a Buspar for anxiety (instead of a whole), I'm not falling asleep everywhere and I'm not anxious to the point of migraines. That's a definite improvement and I'm grateful.

I hope you all are doing well. If not, hang in there and keep trying. I know that can be exhausting, but it's worth it to come out on the other side. ❤️

Well, the only thing I accomplished today was washing my 6 mutts.

Well, the only thing I accomplished today was washing my 6 mutts.  Nappy and Scruff just make my day - they line up and want to be FIRST!  😃  The other 4... not so much.  But they are pretty good for it, so that's awesome anyway.  😃

I did call to check on the bunny today, but the animal caretakers were not in.  So, I still don't know anything.  🙁  I guess I will try again on Monday.

I still plan to not eat until Tuesday-ish.  I feel like breaking my fast early is a sign of weakness.  We do not need nearly as much food as we consume.  Anyway, we went to Ruby Tuesday tonight and I did not eat.  Just ask Shaun - he seemed quite annoyed.  LOL  Had we gone to Los Arcos I might have given in, but not for Ruby Tuesday.  He wanted a steak and I didn't want to eat, so it all worked out.  😛

Off to snuggle my nice clean pups, then I'm gonna do my nails with the awesome polishes my Janet sent to me.  🙂

Today:

Today:  I am stressed over a situation that I don't have any say in.  It also appears that my feelings on the subject don't matter at all so that's pretty disappointing - especially considering that it's something pretty important to me and it's my family ignoring me.  🙁  I'm not sure how to handle the situation.

The wonderful Janet sent me some surprise polishes - 9 OF THEM!  We've been mailing nail goodies back and forth, and that's an awesome picker-upper.  🙂  We live so far apart that our areas don't seem to have a lot of the same stuff so it's always cool to get something that you can't find locally.  I'm going to have to think of something AWESOME to send her after today.  ❤

Zombie Bunny news:  There is no Zombie Bunny news.  I called the museum, but all of the animal caretakers were gone for the day so I had no one to ask.  🙁  That was pretty disappointing, but I'll try again tomorrow.  Sorry to anyone who was looking forward to that.

Other random crap:  I don't think I'm going to eat again until Tuesday.  My skin is really sore and red and not eating for a few days helps it more than anything else I've tried.  I might skip out on eating about 3 days a week this month.  I've read that by day 3 you feel crappy because your body is detoxing from whatever so I'm going to go 3 days at a time and see if that helps.  The last time I didn't eat I went for 8 days and day 3 was rough, but 4 was awesome.  So... there might be something to that.  Anyway.

Well, I cleaned my gutter.

Well, I cleaned my gutter. I think it's time to work on the inside of the house some. It's not terrible, but needs some help - mainly due to having 6 dogs that go out, get wet, and come back in - muddy paws, wet-dog smell and all. 😂 Also, not eating this weekend (just felt like my body could use a break from the crap) and I'm pretty energetic and upbeat. It's the first time I haven't had a headache in several days. Guess that's something to think about... 🙂

I think it's about time to stop eating for a few days.

I think it's about time to stop eating for a few days.  I feel icky and have been having headaches frequently.  I think my body needs a break and lots of water.  Time to cleanse from the inside out!

The FAST.

So, I did it. All of the 8 days. I did eat the night of the 8th day because I thought it might make me sick and I REALLY didn't need to be sick at work the next day. I guess I was pretty lucky - nothing bad happened.

I realize that everyone is different, but starting and ending the fast went nothing like I expected. I've read that you should taper off from eating before you fast - but I went to Mexico Lindo and ate until I was full. I read that you should only eat fruits and veggies when coming off a fast - but I had a salad, pizza, and some dark chocolate truffles. And I can't think of any complications from any of that. Well, after I ate again I didn't poop for a few days, but I don't like pooping anyway - so whatever. I don't think that I was necessarily clogged up so much as it takes a little time to get things moving again.

Coming off the fast was kind of emotional... when I was making my salad I kept thinking I wanted a bite of tomato, but that I shouldn't eat it. And then it was like, "Wait! I CAN EAT IT!" So I was fucking EXCITED. Like - I was shaking - I was so excited. Apparently, some of what I eat I eat for pleasure. Probably not the best habit, but I feel like that is the norm. At least now I have some idea of how much I NEED to survive versus how much I WANT because... well, I want it.

As for my skin this is what I'm going to try to do. I think I will still have a juice every morning. That is good for me and I like it. Maybe after that I will have some sort of organic cereal with vitamins and protein so that way the protein will keep me from getting hungry early in the day. Then, I can have all of the fruits, veggies, and nuts I want during the day, and then whatever for dinner. That's a pretty large amount of raw food which is supposed to be good for my skin (and probably the rest of me, too). I don't know. I don't have a hard time sticking to that when I come to work prepared. So I guess the biggest thing for me is to make sure I've got healthy food with me. Also, on the weekends I will try to be good, but no promises. If I'm good 5 days out of the week then that is the majority and fuck my skin if it can't deal with that.

I'm hoping that if I can eat more raw and maybe cleanse / fast 3 days a month that it will help. I'm pretty sure there's no way I'm giving up cooked / processed food entirely, but maybe if I can keep it down to 1 meal per day or so then it won't be like I'm just overloading my system with crap non-stop. Regardless, it will definitely be a change in my eating habits for the better.

Anyway, I guess that's all. And now I'm sleepy. ❤

Days 5 and 6 of my FAST

Well, days 5 and 6 have been about the same as day 4... mostly. Today I've been especially tired. I did get to bed later than I intended and I woke up early.

Taking care of myself = I'm doing it wrong. 😕

Unfortunately, in more ways than one.

I've realized that I almost never (like, EVER) go to bed when I'm tired. And I should. I'm tired for a reason - we all are. And when you're fasting you REALLY need to stick to getting your rest. I've done better this past week than I have in (most likely) my entire life, but that doesn't mean that I've had a perfect record of turning in when I need to. That's probably not great for me - especially since I apparently do have something not quite right with me.

Maybe if I didn't push myself so hard I'd have time to heal. My normal routine is to do light housework after work, check my messages, make some food (well... not this week, but in general), etc. And then, when I get tired that's when I get up and REALLY do things. I can think of a million things I need to do before I go to bed so I wake myself up and do them. Then I crash later than I need to and do it all over the next day. I think a change is in order.

So aside from being tired and un-energetic today I've been (according to others) a little goofy in the head. I've thought it was raining and thundering all day and it wasn't. I've been cold (to be expected when you're fasting), but apparently everyone else was pretty warm today. I honestly don't know how off my temperature is seeing as how I'm usually a little colder than everyone around me, but a few people seemed shocked that I was wearing a big coat with the hood up. Also, I've been a little dizzy-headed at times.

I think all of this may have something to do with me not drinking as much juice as I should. You're supposed to feel energetic and buzzy after the detox period on a juice fast, but to be quite honest I'm tired of juice. I've not been having the same thing day in and day out, but I think I'm just tired of juice in general. I was drinking it daily anyway before the fast and now that's the majority of what I've been consuming for almost a week. So, I've not been drinking all that much - mostly water.

I've been drinking a glass in the morning and sipping some throughout the day (I usually don't even finish half of a glass Starbucks bottle during the day) and then when I come home it's pretty much water for me unless I feel like making orange juice or something like that. While I don't feel bad I don't feel wonderful, either, and I'm SURE that's why. I'm supposed to be drinking juice anytime I'm hungry or thirsty (along with water, but the emphasis is more on juice).

At this point I don't feel that I'm doing myself much good, but there's only 2 days left. I'm still going to try to make it to that. I do think I will break the fast on Thursday night rather than Friday morning (hey, I didn't eat while I was sleeping on Wednesday - so it balances out) just because I've read that even eating light can not only wear you out, but do some fun things to your stomach / butt. So, needless to say I'd rather be at home for that than at work and I am certainly not waiting until Friday evening to eat. I'll probably have a tomato... things like that and watermelon and any light fruit are all good to start back eating.

Anyway, all in all it's been an eye-opening experience - especially in regards to my relationship with food. I do believe that I will be doing a monthly 3-day fast (get past the detox and quit 😂) to hopefully keep things in check and remind me that I need less than I think I do. As long as I'm not just bogging my body down with utter crap I've read that a small monthly fast could be beneficial. So, I guess I'll get to find that out.

Well, I need to go grab a few more fruits and veggies to last me the next few days so I'm off to do that. I will let you know how the remaining days go.

Fasting, Day 4

Well, I must say that I'm pleasantly surprised with the results so far. The last 2 days were kind of rough (probably detoxing - which I deserved for not treating my body better), but today I feel quite nice.

I finally went to sleep around 3 this morning... I'd been lying around on the couch most of the day dozing and watching the tele so I wasn't exactly tired before that. Anyway, I woke up at 6:30 this morning to let the dogs out and I was feeling pretty energetic. Luckily, I had someone to take that out on and then I fell asleep again for another 4 hours or so. While I'm not bouncing off the walls I do feel energetic and not sick. No food cravings so far. All I've had today was a single orange (juiced) and some water. I'll probably make another mix before I leave to do some errands and I'll be fine for a while.

So, on to my skin. My face has pretty much cleared. What's left there is barely visible and I really only know it's there when I touch it. When I woke up today the skin on my belly and back wasn't sore at all. Usually the first thing I have to do is lotion it - it's dry and red and cracked and sore. But not today. It actually looks a bit lighter and is smoother, too. I still slathered down in lotion because it's dry skin nonetheless, but it's definitely improved. So I'm pretty excited about that. 😁

So far this has been a really neat experience. I guess when I'm done with my fast I'll try to eat mostly raw, but I doubt I'll be able to fully stick to that. I've read accounts of people fasting for 3 days a month to keep their bodies clean and I guess I could see that being a possibility for me - especially if it actually manages to clear my skin. If I clean myself regularly maybe the detox won't be so bad and I won't have to force myself to eat a 100% raw diet. I'm no good at "dieting" no matter what it's for.

Anyway it was a rough weekend, but the lovely boyfriend really took care of me and helped me through it. He's pretty much the best EVER and I'm a really lucky girl. ❤

One more thing: While on this fast I've realized that hunger is more in your head than your stomach. You would probably be surprised at how little of the right things you need to survive. After doing this I can honestly say that I believe we are over-fed and under-nourished.

More to come...

I'm on day 3...

So far today has been the worst. But I'm hanging in there.

Day 2 (yesterday) was not so easy. I was craving a salad SO hard. I tried to make a salad and juice it, but it was SO thick (I don't like that - I have texture issues - I'd never juiced a tomato before and that didn't go over so well [this is the main reason that green smoothies are not for me]) so I couldn't even get myself to drink it. I'm actually online looking for some more juice recipes... I just need some juice that is not so sweet. I am about sick of sweet juice and unfortunately that's about all I've ever made. If there is anything else that anyone could recommend for fasting - let me know. I'm up for suggestions.

The only other things about Day 2 that I noticed was a few bumps on my face and a bit of a runny nose. Also, I was a bit grumpy... food had been under my nose all day - all of which looked and smelled good. Oh well. Onward.

Day 3, (today) has been pretty rough. None of my juice was very appetizing and I ended up just having plain apple this morning. I promptly felt sick. I know that this was not the best thing to do, but I read (somewhere, among all of the reading I've been doing) that it was not TERRIBLE to do this: I had some chicken broth. And then I laid down. I felt much better when I got up, but I felt SO weak. I made some juice with apple / carrot / spinach / beet / lemon / celery... blegh... the celery. I might try that again minus the celery. It was MUCH stronger than I expected. Mostly drinkable, though.

I've got a dull headache lurking around, but my skin didn't hurt or look as angry when I woke up today. I'm REALLY cold - but I'm wearing snow pants and a thick coat. Also, I'm sore. Like, "when you have the flu" sore. And weak - I'm supposed to be resting a lot so that my body can do the work. All of these are supposed to be signs of your body cleansing so all in all I'm feeling like something is happening, which is interesting.

I guess you could say that I broke my fast with the chicken broth, but regardless I'm not quitting yet. I'll cut myself some slack seeing as how this is my first time. Anyway, off to be a couch potato.

Fasting: Day 1

For anyone who doesn't know:  I'm on a juice fast as of today, officially. I'd like to stick it out until next Friday, the 9th. 8 whole days. I guess we'll see.

My skin is bugging the holy cow out of me (which is the reason I'm doing this. Doctors have never been able to help me and I'm kind of tired of just living with it). My scalp is all flaky (dead sexy, I know) and that is my absolute least favorite place to have psoriasis. When I scratch it (and I am GOING TO scratch it) it makes my hair all flaky (another reason bald was nice) and then when I try to make that go away I end up pulling out a ton of hairs... which hurts and makes me wonder "If I accidentally pull out the same hairs over and over will they just stop growing back? I don't want bald patches!" and then I get all paranoid and stressy over it.

I mean I'm just tired of it. And I feel like if I was healthy I wouldn't be so gross. So anyway. Fasting. I'm doing that. Btw, first time EVAR. 😳

I have to admit that I'm scared as hell about the detox that supposedly everyone who fasts experiences. I wonder how bad it will be? I don't do drugs or drink or smoke or even take much in the way of Ibuprofen and the like so I wonder how toxic I could be? I occasionally have caffeine, but that's about it. It's not like my diet is the best so I'm sure there will be something in the way of repercussions there. I dunno. I'm just nervous. And I don't want diarrhea. Or to be constipated. Or especially to vomit. Scary. 😩

So far today has been fine. Despite not eating I haven't been very hungry (or thirsty) at all. I've had about 2 bottles of water and maybe 20 ounces of juice by now. And a tiny bit of coffee. I don't consider that cheating since it's not food, but it's not something I plan to make a habit of. I just went to bed wayyy late and got up wayyy early and was not having an easy time waking up.

Anyway, most of what I've read online says to only do a juice fast for a few days at first. And also from what I've read the detox and fading of the hunger pains really starts after a few days... So my question is: Who wants to get to that part and quit? Seems like it would be defeating the purpose. I thought you were supposed to push through the rough to get to the good feeling. The website that got me interested in trying this is doctoryourself.com. If you look under "Psoriasis" and "Juicing" that's where I got most of my info to start with. But then I started Googling things and looking on YouTube at videos and I'm getting a lot of differing opinions. I mean, I'm going to do whatever works for me. I imagine that it's different for everyone (as with anything else).

So yeah. My first day has been good. Anyone have any fasting experiences they would like to share? Is it weird that I'm not really into food at the moment? I really thought that the first day would have been harder... I mean - there are chocolate truffles in the house. 😳

Anyway, off to bed. I need my sleeps. ❤

For me and you: My favorite juice recipes!

I keep discovering new ones so maybe I'll keep this updated. I've found so many good ones that I don't want to forget them. AND (although most of my friends are like, "Dude, you've lost it") a couple of people have actually expressed interest in my juicing - so that's all of the encouragement I needed. 😀 Here you go! Try to keep up with my really precise measurements, mmmk?

1)

1/2 bag of baby spinach

2 small apples

4 regular carrots

When I'm trying to be SUPER-DUPER healthy I add in about a quarter of a beet and about 2 hands full of either black seedless grapes OR strawberries. It really takes the edge off the beet.

2)

4 carrots

2 small apples

1 hand full of strawberries

3)

4 carrots

2 small apples

1 pinch of ginger

4)

4 carrots

2 hands full of black grapes

That's all I've got so far. I'm expanding - slowly but surely. I just needed to start with things that I'm familiar with and that were pretty simple.

Also, anything like just plain apple or orange is really delicious... SO much better than anything you could buy in a store.

ALSO, Janet, if you read this: Do you happen to remember what you juiced at my house that night? Some weird thing... grapes and blueberries? I can't remember, but it was nice and sweet. 😊