Shaun and I have been gone for days.

Shaun and I have been gone for days.  We were doing something I've been telling myself and others that I wouldn't do.

I'm about to talk too much.  I can't possibly give all the details of this complicated story here, but I'm about to speak ill of the dead.  To any friends or family that don't want to be identified, don't out yourself in the comments if you want to keep this private.  I'm only using first names here for a reason.

When we were kids my brother and I were babysat by a girl who was 5 years old than me named Sabrina.  She was always nice to us.  She was kind of a tomboy.  Really tough.  Into horses.  She let me ride one of hers once and I jumped off it because it was running towards the electric fence and I didn't want to get electrocuted.  The horse was running towards the fence because Sabrina was feeding it.  She got her ass beat for that, even though it was I who made a bad decision.  That's just how things were in the 80s/90s in the circles my family associated with.  You performed violence upon your children to keep them in line.

Sabrina wasn't the best influence.  She let me and Cade try cigarettes for the first time.  I didn't like it, but years later my brother made it a regular habit.  She told me about her first real boyfriend.  I still remember his whole name because she said it so much.  I heard all about her first consensual sexual encounter when she snuck off to be with him.  I remember her writing him love letters and young me trying to correct her spelling of "supposed"... Sabrina swore it was spelled "suppost" because of the way it sounded when you said "supposed to."  She wasn't all bad, though.  She read the words on Batman when it came on TV for Cade.  "BAM!  POW!  SPLAT!"  She kept us safe and fed.  She showed me how to comb my hair and then bend a thin stream of water from the faucet with the static.  We had other horse-riding times where no one got in trouble.

Of course, we got older and didn't need a babysitter anymore and Sabrina grew up, too.  I didn't really hear much about her after that.  People weren't so connected back then.  If you didn't know where someone lived or have their phone number, then you likely were not in touch.  So fast forward from the 90s to 2018 - about 6 years ago, and we found each other on Facebook.  We messaged and traded phone numbers and eventually I went to see her in person.

My first night at her house we talked so much that I was too tired to drive home.  I ended up spending the night because she was about 2 hours away from where I lived and I knew I couldn't make that drive home on no sleep.  We had SO MUCH catching up to do!  I met her large dogs, Jersey and Sam, and her boyfriend, Fred, who was a really nice guy.  It felt so familiar and comfortable - like being with a long lost family member.  I don't know if it was because of her babysitter status with me or what, but I never felt unsafe with her - even when she busted out the weed and cocaine on top of her constant sipping of vodka and smoking of cigarettes.  I was honestly shocked at how she was able to carry on a normal conversation with me, seemingly unaffected.  I will admit that I don't know much about drugs and alcohol, (having never been unsober myself), but it seemed like a lot of things to do in one night.

I wasn't judging her.  I really don't care what grown people do with their bodies in their own home if they aren't hurting anyone else.  I think more drugs should be legal and available safely, but that's a post for another day.  So I asked her how she seemed so straight despite what she was doing and, ever honest, she explained to me that she'd been doing them for a long time and much of it just made her feel normal.  She also told me about past drug use and how she was proud that she'd quit heroin.  I've read that that one is really hard to quit, so I was proud of her, too.  We hung out a few more times, even taking a trip to the zoo.

It wasn't terribly long after we reconnected that she moved to Phoenix, AZ, though.  It was early 2020.  She moved there for healthcare, which I 100% understand.  Despite her being honest about her drinking, no one in Alabama seemed to be able to diagnose her with cirrhosis of the liver, which she definitely obviously had.  I moved to New Mexico later in 2022, so we were only about 6 hours apart at that point.  She asked me to visit her a few times, which I did.  I'd met her roommate, Martin.  On one of those trips to visit she was celebrating her birthday, so I also met her nurse and her friend that she referred to as "Uncle Richard."  While in Arizona, she was still smoking cigarettes, as well as pot - which was legal there.  She stopped the cocaine because she didn't care about it enough to find a hookup.  She continued to drink vodka heavily.  She was on and off hospice care while in Phoenix because the healthcare providers kept expecting her to die and she just didn't.  She got so sick of being told she only had 3 or 6 months left and then living past it.  She said it was scary and gave her anxiety.

Other than that I feel like she was pretty happy in Phoenix.  She was renting a nice house.  It had a pool.  She had her dogs with her.  She had a roommate or two (Martin and Beth) and it seemed like that went mostly ok.  I don't think Martin and Beth got along, but Martin was a truck driver so he wasn't home much.  Her friend/roommate Beth helped take care of Sabrina and the dogs.

Eventually, Beth moved out and Sabrina was mostly home alone.  She didn't like that too much.  She told me that she was paranoid schizophrenic, so she didn't feel comfortable being alone (aside from the fact that she didn't want to die alone, either).  Her phone calls and pleas for me to visit became more frequent, but I'd started my dream job and didn't have the empty space to fill anymore.  I also didn't always love the visits.  She smoked all over me and I hated it.  I would remind her and then we'd head outside, but the very next time she wanted a cigarette, she'd light up right next to me again.  She was loud.  She needed a lot of attention and stomped around and yelled.  She needed the TV up loud to keep from hearing outside noises and getting bothered.  I started to feel more like entertainment than a person she wanted to interact with.  It was kind of sad seeing how lonely she was, but I'd learned over time through our conversations that she'd been really shitty in her heavier drug-using days to a lot of friends and family, so she'd done it to herself.  She freely admitted that.  She said that she'd tried to make some amends, but not everyone was open to it, so there was nothing else she could do.

Despite me keeping my physical distance for a while, we kept in touch on Facebook and the phone.  I could handle that much better than long trips to a place where I didn't want to be.  One evening she called me several times, saying that Martin was supposed to be home, but that he wasn't.  She said she woken up from a nap and that he was gone and hadn't taken his wallet or ID.  She said he walked to the store sometimes, but always took his wallet.  A few panicked calls later, I told her that I was sure he was ok and that I was heading to bed.  Around 5 that morning she called again, saying that Martin and Uncle Richard were found at Uncle Richard's house, both dead of gunshot wounds.  She was now alone in Phoenix and panicking.

I didn't know what to do, but she begged me to help her move.  I told her to let me know when she had a place to go.  I took off work in February and helped her move in with a friend in Pampa, TX.

That move was a whole long story in and of itself.  I had DoorDashed boxes and packing tape to her weeks before I arrived (she couldn't drive to get things because she had seizures), but she still wasn't fully packed when I came to get her.  I had to rent the moving van and also help pack her stuff and then pack the van.  I paid for all of the gas and the hotel stay, as well as the van rental.  I was really patient with her, even when she forgot her asthma inhaler and we had to stop at an emergency room for her to get another one.  She puked off and on the entire trip because her body was shutting down.  She was only not puking when she was passed out on pain meds.  She was rough with the dogs continually hit Sam while yelling "Get back!  Get back!" while I was driving and at one point kicked Jersey, who was 14 years old at the time.  She was mad at Sam for creeping towards the front of the van to be with us because he might step on her barf bag and she was mad that Jersey was pulling the leash on the way to the hotel, but these dogs were never socialized or leash-trained.  I know that she was in pain and also mourning the loss of her home and her friends, but I told her I was never helping her with anything else after that.  She had now crossed my fucking line.  For the rest of the trip I tied Sam where he couldn't get close enough to her to get hit and I walked both giant, untrained dogs by myself (separately, of course).

I'd never seen Sabrina hurt an animal before.  I knew that she grew up on a farm and that they frequently ate the animals that they cared for. She'd told me stories of having to kill some of them herself.  I know that that takes a toll and that most farmers have a different view of animals than me.  I don't love it, but I get it.  I knew that Sabrina yelled at the dogs.  Sometimes she yelled at Sam for snoring, which seemed mean because it's not like he could help it.  I knew that she kind of shuffle-kicked him out of the way sometimes.  That didn't seem overly violent considering that he was probably 100 lbs and since her body was failing he could cause her to fall or wet her pants due to not having a clear path to the bathroom.  But I'd never seen her just haul off and hit or kick one of them, and that is exactly what she did to Sam for daring to try to be near her when it was inconvenient and Jersey for pulling the leash.  Sam took the beatings quietly, but Jersey yelped when she was kicked.  My heart was broken.

Jersey is not a super sociable dog.  I was told that she hated men and was snappy with most people, but she and I always got along well.  Jersey has arthritic hips and gets allergies on top of her butt in the spring.  She was a little fat which was bad for her hips, but otherwise she was doing ok.  At Sabrina's house, she usually slept on a dog bed in the corner.  That night in the hotel, she asked to sleep with me.  She was too fat to get on the bed, but stood up with her paws on the edge.  We locked eyes and in that moment I promised her that everything would be ok.  It wasn't a verbal promise.  It was a heart to heart knowing between us and I don't know how else to describe it.  Then I went and picked her back end up and she slept there with me all night.  Sam is kind of a goofy thing and is friendly to most people.  He usually slept in the floor at Sabrina's house.  He was up on the bed and then down again.  I think he kept getting hot.  But I feel it was telling that two dogs chose me over their dying owner.

Anyway, we made it to her friend Cowboy's house the next day.  He was a nice guy, but he did NOT know what he was getting into.  That wasn't his fault - Sabrina had hidden her sickness and the size of her dogs from him.  She also did not make her intention to live with him until she died clear; he thought he was helping her get on her feet.  When we arrived and let the dogs out of the van, his eyes were huge.  He asked if they had crates and she said flatly "My dogs don't go in cages."  After we unloaded the van, she then sat him down and told him how things were going to be, that her dogs would kill his girlfriend's small dog so she didn't need to bring him over anymore, etc.  I was astounded by the audacity.  He did stand up to some of what she said, but it was in that moment that I learned the extent of how she'd manipulated him into taking her in and I felt HORRIBLE for being party to it.  I had no idea.

I went home that night feeling like a huge douchebag, but there was nothing I could do.  Sabrina got settled in and remained in touch via phone and Facebook.  It wasn't long before she called and asked me to move her again - but back to Alabama this time.  She said that there would be no room for her at Cowboy's house soon.  She said that the dogs were a problem and she was going to have to take them to the pound.  She said she felt like she was in his way and that they weren't getting along.  I told her that I wouldn't be getting along with her either if she had hidden so much from me to get me to take her in.  Her pleas became more frequent and even when I explained that I couldn't take the time off, plus that I had to pay for everything last time, etc, she didn't want to take no for an answer.  She would do things like say "Well, I'm going off the grid for a while." or whatever and I would enjoy my peace and quiet.  I am not usually a confrontational person, but the last time she asked she was like "If you don't want to take me just say it." so I did.  I told her that besides me not needing to take off work and besides me having to pay for it all the last time that it wasn't fun for me and in fact it was quite stressful and that I didn't want to go to Alabama because it's a much longer trip and that I hated the way she treated the dogs and that I wasn't going to do it.  I then got the silent treatment for a blissful few weeks.

To be honest, I feel like during the whole ordeal of moving and then wanting to be moved again I had gotten a glimpse of the behavior that had driven all of her friends and family away and, well, I was not immune to that shit, either.  She was, perhaps, not using/abusing drugs as heavily as when she ran off everyone else, but I definitely felt manipulated and saw her lies (of omission, if you must) and I was not a fan.  Also, she hit Sam and kicked Jersey.  That's a fast way to get on my "Fuck you." list.

Sabrina called again a few weeks later, saying that she had been in the hospital and that's why she hadn't called.  She also cried and said that she loved her dogs and didn't want me to think that she didn't.  They were house dogs; they had air conditioning and cable TV.  Never mind that she poured vodka down Jersey's throat when she didn't want to drink alone or threw Sam into the pool despite him being scared to death (I never witnessed these things, but she told me about it).  She loved them more than anything and they were all she had left.  Then she asked me to take them and find them homes when she died.  I told her that I would, but then Facebook talked me out of it.  Sam kills smaller animals and Jersey has a bite history.  They are not dogs that I need to have a part in rehoming anywhere, so I messaged her on Facebook and told her that if I ended up with Jersey and Sam that I'd have to have them humanely euthanized.  Every time we spoke after that, she told me not to worry about her plans for her dogs when she died.

Well, I heard from her one final time about 6 weeks ago.  She was living in hotel rooms and had made a friend.  She said she really didn't think it would be long before she died [for real this time] because she was in and out of the hospital pretty frequently.  We chit-chatted and I told her I was glad she had a place to stay and a friend and we said "I love yous" before we hung up.

I got a message from Cowboy about 2 weeks ago that she'd passed.  She had been renting a mobile home and was found deceased.  I'm not 100% on the details, but if I had to guess I'd say that her illness caught up to her.  I asked about the dogs and was told that they were at the pound.  I assumed that none of her relatives knew of her passing, so I took it upon myself to get in touch with her brother.  It was one of those funny-but-not-funny situations because his reaction was "For real?"  Apparently, she'd been telling people that she was dying, and I do believe that she was.  I knew she was sick from looking at her when we caught up in 2018, but I didn't know what was wrong.  I knew she was on hospice in Arizona because I met two of her nurses, so that was at least 2 years of her doctors believing that she had 6 months or less.  It just happened REALLY damn slowly.

So what does any of this have to do with my weekend plans?  Well... Jersey and Sam, of course.  I tried not to let them "be my problem" but I couldn't help it.  So many of my friends and family told me to stay out of it, but I was asked by several people if I was getting the dogs.  I don't know if Sabrina believed that I could have them put to sleep.  If they didn't have a place to go, I could have.  I would have hated it, but I could have.  There is no space at my house for dogs who bite people and kill smaller animals.  Rescues would be hesitant to take them for the same reasons.  I had our beautiful, sweet Rose humanely euthanized due to behavioral/mental stability concerns.  I fucking hate it sometimes, but I can do hard things.

THANKFULLY, I got in touch with Fred - Sabrina's guy in Alabama.  I remembered that she'd called him from my phone when I moved her in February, so I scrolled back and called the unlabeled number that I didn't recognize and IT WAS HIM.  I told him who I was.  I asked if he knew about Sabrina.  I then asked him if he wanted the dogs.  He said yes, so I said "Ok, I'll bring them to you."  And that is what I did.  Sabrina's amazing daughter coordinated with me and got the shelter to hold them until this weekend so that I could pick them up.  I was planning to go alone; I knew I could handle the dogs alone because I did for the second leg of trip when I moved Sabrina, but Shaun wasn't having it despite never wanting to step foot in Alabama again.  I've driven long distances by myself and it doesn't bother me, but Shaun wanted to help me and I appreciated it.

The shelter was much nicer than I anticipated for such a small town.  When we arrived, the dogs had a whole room to themselves, and thankfully they were still together.  They neutered Sam (I wish Sabrina would have done it, but she never did).  They didn't even charge me to pick them up, but we made a donation to the shelter anyway.  The dogs were happy and well cared-for.  When we left, they both got straight into my car with no hesitation.  They did well on the ride - Jersey especially.  She used to go on the road with Martin sometimes, so she was used to riding.  Sam panted and sat awkwardly and farted terribly the whole ride.  They LOVED the hotel room and made themselves at home immediately.  Jersey was rolling around and asking for attention and I've honestly never seen her like that - every time I've seen her has been in Sabrina's presence and she was much more reserved and grumpy.  She is a people-biter and supposed man-hater, but she was friendly to Shaun and overall her personality seemed much lighter.  One thing that bothered me was that Sam flinched away when I went to pet him once.  He's never seemed fearful, but I have a feeling that her hitting him in the head in the moving van wasn't a one-time thing.

At the hotel we had a king-sized bed and everyone was in it at one point.  We all crashed out in relatively short order.  I heard Jersey ever-so-quietly whine at 3:46 in the morning.  We decided to take them out and they both needed to potty pretty bad.  After we came back in, Sam slept in the floor, snoring loudly.  Jersey happily chewed a bone and shook the bed.  It wasn't a super restful night, but it was so good to see them comfortable.

I think we spent 10 hours in the car with the dogs on Saturday.  It was a lot.  By about halfway through the second day Sam started to relax.  It was raining a stupid amount by the time we hit the Alabama state line.  It was dark and raining hard by the time we got on the winding roads near Fred's house.  But the relief on those dogs when they realized they were somewhere familiar...  I can't even express how happy it made me.  And Fred was so happy that he shed a few tears.  It was a beautiful reunion.  He was so grateful to have them home.  He said they've never been outside dogs and they weren't going to start now.  That was music to my ears.  I'm so relieved that it worked out.  I'm glad there was something I could do.  I don't care that it was out of my way or a long drive or that I have a bruised hand from them pulling the leash or that my car smells like shelter dog.  It was all worth it.  I'm happy because I kept my promise to Jersey.  That is what matters to me.

Jersey in the back, Sam in the front.  Picture taken at their home in Phoenix.

We had a loss in the family recently...

We had a loss in the family recently - my MaMaw Langley's twin sister.  I wasn't very close to her, but as far as I know she lived a long and more or less happy and comfortable life.  And it got me thinking...

I bet a lot of you know me pretty well - even those of you I haven't met.  I'm a pretty open person who posts the good, the bad, and the ugly.  For any of my newer friends:  Yes, things have been pretty great since I graduated college at the end of 2020.  Before that, there was years of poverty, my house falling down around me, my body failing, depression and anxiety, and I was carrying the weight of the lack of animal rights/welfare in Alabama on my shoulders (though thankfully not alone).  I don't usually do throwback posts, but they are definitely there if you ever feel like searching.

I don't want to die yet, but I'm saying that IF it happens, please take comfort in knowing that I am loved, happy, and content.  I feel more safe and calm than I ever have in my life.  I'm socially (in a physical way) more isolated than I've ever been, but it has brought a much-needed peace to my life.  I have my husband and my kids and my non-human companions with me, and they are my inner circle.  I have given back to my community and reached educational and financial goals that I never dared to dream possible 10 years ago.  I (of course) have personal projects that I want to finish and more growth to do, but if I died today I would have no regrets.  I have loved and been loved.  I am taking care of those closest to me, and that's all I've ever wanted to do.

I guess I woke up this morning feeling grateful, (which is not unusual), but with the recent loss came a new perspective on how we view those who've passed.  When I die, please take solace in the fact that I am undeniably living my best life - and not only that, I fought damn hard to do it.  ❤

It took him a few days, but...

It took him a few days, but Shaun slept in the bedroom again for the first time last night since we lost Sindar (that is where she lived since she wasn't a huge fan of the other cats).  I think the room needed to be more different than just Sindar's absence, though, because he brought Cub with him.  It went ok.  Cub behaved because he's a good boy.  He woke up barking just once because of some animal noise outside; otherwise, I think I pretty much slept through the night.

I feel like I have been catching up on sleep this week.  It wasn't easy to get enough rest with Sin waking us up several times in the night.  Needless to say I slept super late today.  Unfortunately, I woke up to having missed 2 frantic texts and a call from my dad  by several hours - which is unusual because he is the definition of "stays to himself."  It appears that someone shot their little chihuahua and that he's not going to make it.  I talked to Dad and Lisa and it sounds like it wouldn't have been able to be saved due to the location of the wound.

I feel like shit for not getting the call so I've changed my "Do Not Disturb" settings.  I had it where my phone went on "Do Not Disturb" if I placed it face down - which I did last night, but also if someone called more than once it was supposed to let the call through.  Dad, however, didn't call me more than once.  He doesn't like to bother anyone.  So I've changed my settings to accommodate that.  I definitely want to be reachable if I'm needed.

So that's how the day has started.  I guess I'm off to see what else it throws at me.

Later, friends.

When I was doing Shaun's nail this weekend...

When I was doing Shaun's nail this weekend it triggered a memory in me of my MaMaw doing mine when I was a kid.  I noticed I was touching Shaun's fingers the same way she touched mine... but he wasn't complaining "You're mashing my veins!  Stop mashing my veins!" like I was.  😅

I distinctly remember being so uncomfortable with any pressure where my fingers bend and I guess because I could see veins under my skin there I thought they were being mashed.  I really don't know what that was about except that I still don't like pressure applied there.  I'm weird about being touched on my hands and around my nails, anyway.  I guess "on my hands" is a weird and unnecessary qualifier because I'm not a touch-me person in general.

But anyway, I had that memory come flooding back and I could hear in my head how my MaMaw would get in a huff and say "I am doing no such thing!" while painting my nails.  😆😆😆  And it just made me feel happy to remember that.  ❤️

If this ain't me and my mom...

If this ain't me and my mom - and all we had was our sweet little Bruce. Volume up for this one. 😂😂😂

Video

I've been a little quiet on here...

I've been a little quiet on here because me and the kids made an impromptu mad dash to Alabama to see family before I leave for Cincinnati. Before moving here I'd told everyone that I wouldn't be traveling to visit during the holidays and it's been almost a year since I saw my fam so I seized the opportunity. We got back in last night and I am glad to be home.

We flew there and it was only my 3rd flight ever, but I am proud to say that I navigated us through the airports in both Albuquerque and Atlanta. The kids helped by keeping an eye out for signs, but anyway - we did it. We had a packed schedule already planned on arrival and still didn't get to see everyone we would have liked to. It was a little rough having one rental car for the 3 of us, but we did the best we could.

It was pretty strange being in Alabama and not having a place to be - like a home. 😂 A hotel room just doesn't have the same level of comfort that you find in your own home - especially a hotel room that you're sharing with your kids who apparently stay up talking all night, every night. 😂

Overall, I can't say that I've missed Alabama or that I actually enjoyed being back. Loved spending time with my people? Abso-fucking-lutely. I wish I could see all of my friends and family (and see them more often), but without the "having to go back" part. 

Anyway, I'm off to try to get my life together for my move to Cincinnati. I'm leaving in only a week! 😳😬

I hope you all are doing well! ❤️

The other day...

The other day I was struck by a very random memory of being SUPER young.... like 3 years old (if that) and in this memory I was crushing up Saltine crackers and trying to fill up my dad's belly button. I never could get it full, though.

This prompted me to poke my finger into Shaun's belly button... at which time I proclaimed "You have a shallow-ass belly button."

He, uh... He didn't quite know how to take that. 😂😂😂 But I'm 100% sure I could fill his belly button with crushed crackers in no time. Maybe even with just one Saltine. 🤔

Me and Shaun have basically turned into my MaMaw and PaPaw. 😂

Me and Shaun have basically turned into my MaMaw and PaPaw. 😂 They both loved to watch the hummingbirds on their front porch. We now have hummingbird feeders up in the front and back yards, and also seed bird feeders.

Shaun has security cameras everywhere, but also one on the window aimed at the bird feeder. This is my favorite. We get alerts on our phones when we get visitors looking for a snack. We can either go to the window or watch them on the video feed. We caught this super-furry bird eating earlier, plus a bonus little hummingbird in flight. 😍

This is the front window next to where me and Cub and the cats sit so we're all enjoying the outdoor visitors. Cub is learning not to bark the furry birds away, Tobi likes to pat them through the window, and Boyfriend likes to chatter at the little hummingbirds. It's fun for all of us. 😊

Today is an exciting day for me...

Today is an exciting day for me - my legal name change has gone through!

I know that there will be questions so I'm going to do my best to explain.

This has been in the works since 2016 - before Shaun and I were even engaged.  Of course it is traditionally expected for the wife in the relationship to give up their last name and take their husband's name upon marriage, but I truly loathe everything about the tradition of marriage.  That is a rant that I'm not interested in going into today, but suffice it to say that we signed up to be legal spouses rather than husband and wife - so why would we do anything else the traditional way?

I mean no ill will or hard feelings towards Shaun's relatives, but the Sexton name was not meant for me.  Everyone who knew Shaun's father knew that he was a deeply religious man. Anyone who knows me and Shaun well knows that we are atheists.  Unfortunately, that caused a fair bit of friction and Shaun's father expressed to us in no uncertain terms that Shaun (and eventually me, as well) not being in the church was bringing shame on the family name.  He would make comments or have us read passages or quotes along the same vein.

Us changing our names was not done in retaliation or to be petty - though we are not religious we are also not assholes.  We'd never want to shame his legacy and this separates us from it.  As skeptics, we require proof of a claim in order to change our beliefs and none was ever presented.  A person can't be forced to believe something they don't believe so we had an irreconcilable difference.  This doesn't mean that we don't believe we were loved or that we didn't love him in return - we did.  But this was undeniably a very sore spot for him.

Also, neither of us believe that a child should exist to fulfill a parent's expectation.  That is a heavy burden to bear.  We believe that our offspring are whole new people with different ideas and experiences and beliefs.  We encourage Shadow and Kira to be fully who they are and not only have they have been a pleasure to get to know, but our relationship with them is not strained.  It's a beautiful thing.

Speaking of the kids - I call them kids but they are 22 years old.  They are legal adults.  They are welcome to take our last name if they want it; however, both of them have expressed that they are happy with their names and that is 100% ok.

There are other practical reasons for this change, too.  Our names on the bills and the house and the cars and all of that are a mess.  Sometimes there is only space for one last name.  Sometimes one of us is put in the "notes" section.  This will clean that up entirely.  Not to mention that this is just another piece of our slow and beautiful combining to be a united front.  I love that even after almost 14 years together we are still happy and "all in" enough to want to do this.

So why Xenethos?  Shaun took the letters from Sexton and Stephens and mashed them up.  This was our favorite outcome.  It means "strange character" which does, indeed, fit us.

Why now?  I'd planned to change my name after college, but unfortunately Shaun's father passed away not long before I graduated.  Then we had estate stuff to handle and changing a name during that seemed like a bad idea.  Then we moved and needed to get settled and live here for 6 months before we could do it, so there was that.  Finally, the timing was right.

How do you say it?  Zen-e-thos  (I'll do this better, maybe.)

Funny Story:  We went to file our paperwork together and I turned mine in first and received my court date.  Shaun did his right after me and received an earlier court date by about 6 weeks.  So TECHNICALLY the universe did a little shit on my head and made me take his name after all, but it's all good.  I'm just happy it's done.  I've been Blu Xenethos in my head for 5+ years now.

If I missed anything with my explanation feel free to ask questions - I'm happy to answer!

I suppose this is the second...

I feel like I should probably get on with my "Sabrina's Birthday Story" post before my brain loses it.  So here we go...

We ended at "relaxing in the pool," correct?  After eating and pool time and Sabrina being a good hostess and talking to everyone the guests left.  It was at this point that Sabrina said she'd over-done it the past few days and that she was in pain.  She said that her choices were to hurt or to take a pain pill.  I told her she should take something for the pain and go take a nap.  And, well... she did half of that.

She took a pain pill and got hungry.  To be noted here:  She has a lot of issues with her stomach so she doesn't always have an appetite... so when she does she takes full advantage of it.  I completely understand that.  She made a hot dog and took it to her room.  She sat on her bed (that's where she almost always is) with the plate in front of her and took a bite.  Then she sat the hot dog down and then started nodding off on it while still sitting up.  At this point I figured I'd hang with Beth and let Sabrina get some rest so I went to the living room to do Beth's nails.

Me and Beth posted up on the couch with all of my supplies at the ready.  I began by attempting to soak off the gel polish I'd put on her back in March.  All of a sudden Sabrina stomped down the hall while dragging her hand along the wall for balance (it's just the way she walks) and she went to the kitchen to make more food.  On the way back she mumbled something about us coming back there to hang out with her, but I told her I thought she should sleep.  This happened several more times while I worked on Beth's nails.

Well, Beth's polish did not come off easy.  It took a decent amount of soaking and buffing, but I was making progress when Beth started nodding off on me, too.  She apologized a few times and then eventually gave in to it - putting a towel over her face and full-on laying down on the couch.  As I went to see what the clearly-awake Sabrina was up to I thought to myself "At least I got her old polish off."  (Sabrina had been teasing me that I forgot to leave them acetone and that they looked like they had been playing in Satan's bootyhole, so...)

Got to Sabrina's room and she was still eating and nodding.  She would talk to me and then crash, like a robot being booted up and then powered off.  I was able to get from her that she wanted her old polish off (which I knew, but right now?!) so I worked on one hand while she ate with the other between bouts of crashing out.  I asked her why she didn't just sleep and she said it was because I came a long way to see her and she wanted to hang out.  Ok, I guess.

Meanwhile, the kids were asking me to get them a hotel and I explained that I was a little busy and that they should tag Shaun in for help with that.  They did, thank goodness, and by the time I was finished cleaning Sabrina's nails he had them a hotel booked and a Google map address sent to me.  I can't possibly express to you all how much I love this human being.  He makes my life easier even when I'm miles away.

ANYWAY... both Beth and Sabrina had clean nails at this point.  Thank goodness.  Then Sabrina asked me to paint hers again.  I commenced the painting while she nodded in and out of consciousness.  So... painting an unconscious person's nails isn't as easy as removing polish because fresh polish needs to be dried or hardened.  Thank goodness I was using gels because there is no way this would have worked at all with a regular polish.

THEN TO MY SURPRISE Beth woke up and came into Sabrina's room and asked me to paint hers, too.  "Well, ok.  Why not?" I thought.  So I finished Sabrina's and started on Beth's.  Then Sabrina full-on laid down and went to sleep.  Not long after, Beth followed suit (though she was facing Sabrina and they ended up snoozing head-to-feet on their backs).  So I was just standing there at the side of the bed painting nails on a floppy hand and having to literally put Beth's hand in and out of my lamp.  Like, I knew she was up at the butt-crack of morning and I knew she was doing most of the cooking and all that, but I really thought that after her nap she'd be awake.  I was super wrong.

After doing nails a new adventure began:  Taking the kids to the hotel.

First of all - driving at night is not my favorite regardless; driving at night in an unfamiliar place is even worse.  But the kids needed a clean, chill space in which to decompress so I sucked it up and helped them pack the car.  Sabrina woke up to tell them goodbye and thank them for coming and she apologized and hoped it wasn't her that was the reason they were leaving.  I think everyone parted on good terms so that was great.  I opened the link Shaun sent to the hotel and away we went!

The hotel was only 8 minutes away... supposedly.  It took us much longer.  There was construction, I was driving on the interstate to this 8-minute-away place, there were several of these hotels in a clump with the same main name, and one road was called something different on the map than in real life.  It was a GREAT time.  I (unknowingly) stopped in the middle of an intersection.  When Shadow pointed it out I almost turned the wrong way down a one-way street to escape - he saved the day on that one, too.  It was just insanity.  But we somehow made it safely to the (correct) hotel.

I got the kids checked in and walked them to their room and then started my journey back to Sabrina's.  I wanted to fill up my gas tank in the cool of the night rather than the heat of the day when I was leaving the next day so I stopped at a Circle K.  They didn't take cards at the pump and that pissed me off so I left.  Google said there was another gas station 400 feet away.  Google lied.  I drove straight until I found one (I didn't mind the breather and the quiet so why the hell not?)

I found a gas stationed that looked clean and mostly empty.  Sabrina had given me money to get her some cigarettes so I went in for that and to grab some water and a tea for myself.  The tea I wanted was wayyy up high were I couldn't reach it so I asked a youth to help me.  He seemed happy to, thank goodness.  Then I filled up the car and headed back to Sabrina's.

Ok, look.  At this point I was EXHAUSTED.  I had barely slept the night before.  Aside from the noise of the house and Sabrina and Beth, there was noise from the street and I also had nightmares.  Also, Beth's room was freezing, but under the blanket I was sweating out all of my precious fluids - there was NO happy medium.  THEN there was being around all of the people, and worrying about the kids who clearly wanted out of there ASAP after the pool, and the smoke was making me feel shitty, and the adrenaline of being bad at driving in the city at night... anyway, what I'm saying is that I did something dumb so just give me a break.

I navigated back to Sabrina's neighborhood and drove around for a while - not on purpose.  Street names and numbers were starting to look familiar.  I was thinking to myself "I'm pretty. fucking. sure. she lives like, right here somewhere.  What the fuck is up with my phone?"  It was at that moment I got a text from Kira asking if I was back yet and if I was ok.  I paused in the empty street and replied to her that I was close, but couldn't quite find the house.  Then I checked my data... and it was off.  *facepalm*  Google was doing its best and got me as close at it could, but I guess it didn't have the exact data point so it had me circling her house.  Wow.  Just fucking wow.  LMAO

I was like, 10 feet away from her house when I figured out what was going on.  I was so flustered that I just needed a minute.  I called and talked to Shaun for a few in the car before I went back in the house.  I missed his voice and his face and all of him so I just needed that phone call.  Beth popped out the front door and I told her I was on the phone and would be in shortly.  I think she said she'd leave it unlocked for me, but I really didn't know or care by that point.

Anyway, got up the 'nads to go back in.  Sabrina and Beth were, by this point, completely rested and refreshed!  O_O  Beth wanted to do karaoke!  I hated to be a downer, but with my drive the next day and all that I just wanted to get some rest.  I hung out and snacked and chatted and then went back to the ice box to sleep.  (I did tell Beth I'd be happy to take the couch and she could have her room, but she said she was awake and would probably be cleaning and noisy so I'd better take her room again.  So I did.)

And then I had a lovely and refreshing sleep with no interruptions.

Hahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

It must have been before 6 in the morning when Beth snuck in her room with a flashlight again.  It might have been close to 7 when she and Sabrina loudly argued about when I needed to wake up to get the kids.  Beth was sure I needed to get up right then so I could get them by 11.  Sabrina said it was too early to wake me up and to let me sleep.  No one considered that I might have set an alarm on my phone for myself.

I'm not sure what time it was when Beth came in again, but she did.  And not with a flashlight, either.  She busted in her room, turned the light on, and almost yelled from the door "I'm leaving now, Blu, it was great to see you, I hope I get to see you again soon, thanks for coming, etc.," while I was on my stomach straining my neck to look at her, eyes squinting, trying to reply though she wasn't really pausing.  Then she turned off the light and disappeared.

Next thing I know (I must have dozed back off) Sabrina was knocking on the door saying it was 9:30 and I should probably get up to get the kids.  "Ok!" I replied.  Then I laid there - thinking my alarm would go off at any minute since it was 9:30 and that is what I set it for.  It never did.  I looked at my phone and it was 8:57.  "What in the actual fuck is going on around here?!" I screamed internally - and then got up.

Beth actually did make it back before I left so she got to see me off.  Leaving wasn't too hard.  I had gathered up all of my stuff the night before and they couldn't accidentally keep me because they knew I had a deadline to get the kids.  So... I gathered my stuff and away I went!

I found the hotel much easier the second go around.  We stopped and got fast-food breakfast before leaving Phoenix.  One of the kids said Phoenix reminded them of Grand Theft Auto - and I could TOTALLY see that.  LMAO  We ate and then had a beautiful scenic drive back and the kids were like "What the fuck?!" and laughing as they recounted their experiences from the last couple of days.  We made it home and I was SUPER HAPPY to see my husbang.  I smelled terrible and took a shower almost immediately and me and the kids threw all of our clothes from the trip in the washer together shortly after that.  It took two washes to get the cigarette funk out of our clothes.  It took me several days to get it out of my head.  It also took me a couple of days of sleep / laying alone in my bed to recharge my battery enough to do chores or really interact with anyone else.

The kids were happy to be home.  Kira was so excited to see her kitty wuss.  Shadow was pretty chill and didn't say much other than that he wrote down some of the shit Sabrina said because it was so amusing - like "You can't get high enough to make Spongebob.  Fuckin' squirrel in an astronaut suit under the sea? What kind of fucked up shit is that?"

I guess that reminds me of a little Sabrina story of my own and it's the perfect ending to this blog.  While chatting before I left, Sabrina asked me "Have you ever been so fucking mad at yourself?  Like goddamn."  And I was like "I don't know.  Why?"  And she said this:  "Before I woke up I was dreaming I was on a pier out on the water.  And it was so perdy and peaceful.  And sometimes you gotta spit, you know?  So I got up this super big, nasty wad of spit and I spit it out into the water.  But the problem was, I was laying on my back in my bed - I wuttn' out on no pier - and I spit all over my own face.  That's so fuckin' fucked up, man. I was mad as hell."

My first "only found here" Blu.FYI post

This site is obviously a work in progress.  I've found that no matter what platform I end up using - be it MySpace, Facebook, etc., - I end up blogging.  Apparently, writers gonna write. 🤷  Long ago I copied my content from MySpace and now I'm re-claiming what I can from Facebook by visiting their "Memories" section every day.  I am (THANKFULLY!) almost half-way through a year of this project.  But this post - this is a Blu.FYI original.  It's about a weekend visiting friends and I... I don't want to blast them on Facebook, but this story needs out of me.

One more thing before I begin:  It is not meant to be mean-spirited.  I love the main character and I know that she's going through a lot, but fuck if this shit isn't entertaining.  So without further ado...

Backstory:  I was raised a little redneck trailer-park kid.  I don't want to act like I was ostracized for not embracing that life, but 100% I was a gray sheep.  Thankfully, the only part of that upbringing that stuck was my southern accent; I can't hear it, but everyone else can.  In Alabama I was often asked where I was from - so I know I don't straight-up sound like cornbread, but people who are not from the south can definitely tell I'm from there.

Anyway, as kids my brother and I had a babysitter named Sabrina.  Ooh, she is a whole story and I hope I get to tell you all about her one of these days, but for now just know that our moms were the best of friends for a large portion of our childhoods and that she was only 5 years older than me.  She was so much more mature than we were, though.  She was also a little bad.  I liked her a lot.

I remember random things about her time babysitting us.  Like that time she was sure that "suppost" was a word and didn't believe me when I told her it was "supposed to."  I remember her letting us smoke our parents' cigarette butts because we wanted to try it.  I remember the name of her first serious boyfriend - Joshua Shane Brown.  I remember her reading the "POW!" and "BAM!" and such words for my brother when he watched Batman on TV.  I remember her always doing weird stuff with the toilet paper and I found out recently that she was making a pipe to smoke weed with from the cardboard roll.  I remember her combing her hair until she built up static and then holding the comb near a small stream of water and it bending.  I remember one time she let me ride her horse and then put food it in it's dish and it started running towards the electric fence and I thought it wouldn't stop and I'd be electrocuted so I jumped off it and got her ass beaten.  So. many. memories.

Eventually we got old enough that we didn't need a babysitter and our moms stopped being friends and time went on.  Social media wasn't a thing 20 years ago so we lost touch because it was easy to do.  But a few years ago I came across her on Facebook and we reconnected.  And it felt nice - not like a friend relationship, but family.  She had moved 2 hours away from our hometown and asked me to come visit - I finally had a car that would take me so I did.  And let me tell you - we spent the WHOLE NIGHT talking and catching up.  It was insane.  Neither of us had planned for it to turn into a sleepover, but we talked until 5 in the morning and I was exhausted so I told my husbang that I needed some sleep before driving home.  It was great, plus some other stuff that I'll write about later.  I have a couple of other visits that I hope to write about eventually.  But for now let me try to focus.

Frontstory:  My visit previous to the one I am writing about now was in Phoenix, AZ.  Sabrina and I had both moved to a more western location so it wasn't an Alabama to Arizona drive.  It was actually only 6 - 7 hours away from me and quite scenic.  A note:  At some point after her move she told me on the phone that she was terminally ill.  So at that visit when she asked me "If I'm still alive on my birthday will you come back for a birthday party?"  "Hell yeah!" was my response.  And this is how that went down.

Sabrina had already met and hung out with Kira and Shaun.  She met Shadow when he was a baby... random chance encounters at the grocery store with my mom and stuff like that.  Since she was having an actual birthday party with cake and swimming and all that she really wanted the whole family to come and celebrate with her.  Unfortunately, Leon still needed injections every 24 hours and regardless of that we needed someone to watch the animals so Shaun stayed behind to care for everyone.  The kids and I headed out about 1:30 Friday afternoon.

The drive was, of course, beautiful.  Kira sat up front most of the way and we chatted and talked.  Shadow chilled in the back and listened to music.  They both took pictures of the scenery along the way.  It was pretty pleasant.  And then we got to Sabrina's.

It was close to 10 pm and I was so tired.  I knew what I was getting into from previous visits and I tried to brace the kids for it without making them dread the trip.  I was, let's just say... ineffective.

A little backstory here:  I don't drink or smoke.  Neither do the kids.  Shaun rarely drinks and if he does it's to chill his nerves - not to get drunk.  I grew up with an alcoholic dad and parents who smoked cigarettes all the time in our presence and probably pot when we weren't around.  My mom tried to keep me shielded from alcohol and pot and anything else; I ended up trying to keep Shadow away from it all because I know that addiction runs in our family.  Kira was exposed to a lot of things before we got her, but that never meant she was comfortable with it.  Alcohol, of course, is legal and now marijuana is, too.  I'm ok with that fact (for real I am - even though I'm not a fan of rooms full of smoke or being the only sober person at a place), but cigarettes?  Ew.  The secondhand smoke still makes me feel awful.

Since I won't get far in this story if I have to tell you every time a drug is consumed - let me try my best to describe it now.  I need to convey to you that the smoking was continuous - if not from Sabrina, then from her roommate, Beth.  It was going on CONSTANTLY.  I don't know how else to be clear that Sabrina chain-smoked cigarettes all day, as well as smoked several joints - and both of those things on top of chasing vodka with Gatorade all through the day.  There was LITERALLY almost never a time she was without a drug in her hand.  And like, I'm not mad at that - her body, her choice.  The alcohol wasn't a big deal at all - at this point she drinks to be normal.  But she wasn't supposed to be smoking in the house (she told me at my previous visit that her landlord didn't want her to) and it would've been super cool for us if she could have avoided it, as well.  But that is not what happened.

We arrived at Sabrina's house and you could smell the smoke outside before the door even opened.  Kira was like "OMG.  I can smell it already!"  I don't think I realized that before (or either it wasn't that bad at that point), but it was certainly true now.  But we were there, tired, and had a party to attend the next day so we went ahead in.

Sabrina mentioned that she wanted her nails done, but we arrived too late...  Beth mentioned that she was going to make tacos, but we'd gotten there so late...  I apologized for coming late, but we tried our best.  However, the kids are almost always up for food and made it known so Kira volunteered to help Beth in the kitchen.  Off she and Beth went to get to know each other and make tacos.  Shadow and I stayed in Sabrina's lair (her bedroom with all the things she needs where she spends most of her time) and Sabrina asked Shadow some "getting to know you" type of questions.  Not off to a bad start!  Everything was chill, we hung out and had tacos, and got ready for bed shortly after a long day in the car.

Sabrina and Beth had pulled out the sofa in the living room for the kids to sleep on.  Beth told me I could sleep in her room and she'd bunk with Sabrina.  Sounded like a plan to me!  And we all went to bed and had a peaceful night's sleep.

Ha.

First of all, I was barely asleep when Beth entered her room with a flashlight looking for something she'd forgotten.  No biggie - it happens.  Finally, I was able to drift off to sleep again, but what felt like only a few hours later I was re-awoken... by the sound of someone shoveling gravel?!  "Wtf?!," I thought.  Then I heard a voice outside asking what was going on.  Beth replied that she was shoveling the gravel before it got hot.  It went on a few more minutes and then I heard another voice speak to her and Beth explained it yet again.  TWO NEIGHBORS COMPLAINED TO HER FACE about gravel-shoveling at this hour and BETH DID NOT STOP!  I didn't check my phone, but did peel back the black-out curtain and IT WAS BARELY DAYLIGHT.  AND BETH WAS OUTSIDE SHOVELING GRAVEL IN THE FRONT YARD.

Ooo-kay then.  Beth finally finished and I managed somehow to go back to sleep.  Not long after that Sabrina started vomiting.  (She's terminally sick and this happens.  Often.)  But does she really have to wretch and practically scream with every heave?  I don't know.  She might.  It might really hurt to vomit in her condition.  But the fact that she is loud no matter what makes me think it's just the way she lives her life.

After that pleasant wake up I drifted off again - only to be awakened by Beth loudly stomping through the kitchen and making breakfast.  By this point I'd received a text from Kira stating that they would need a hotel tonight.  I asked why and got the whole spiel - the gravel-raking, the vomiting, people stomping through the living room where they were trying to sleep to get to the kitchen.  Understood, kiddos.  Let's just try to get through the party.

This party, btw, was set to start at 10:30.  IN THE MORNING.  I don't think I've ever in my life heard of a birthday party that started so early, but ok.  I got up at 8-something and Beth was running around prepping food and cooking.  Then she left to run some errands.  I sat with the kids and tried to get my bearings and eat my oatmeal.  Then we needed to fold up the couch and get the living room ready for people.

Sabrina asked me to do her nails before her guests arrived (soak off 3-month-old gel and put on new when your guests are due in 15 minutes?  Not happening, but we can try, I guess.)  I wrapped her fingers with foil in cotton balls and acetone.  The doorbell rang.  She opened the door, then screamed "Oh shit, let me get my dogs!" while running them to the door to go out back.  Then she said "I'm sorry, Blu, I can't do this shit right now!" and tore off the foil-covered cotton balls and threw them in the trash.  She went back to greet her guest and a picture in a frame to the left of the door chose that moment to crash to the floor, breaking glass shards all into the dog bed underneath.  I cleaned that up while she spoke to her guest.  Then another arrived (without incident).

Pretty soon everyone that was coming was there and we were instructed to make ourselves a plate of food and eat it.  After that was done Sabrina called us to behold her beautiful cake, lit some sparklers and stood them in a shot glass behind it (she didn't want candles stuck in it), and proceeded to sing an impromptu "Happy Birthday to me ... rednecks are great ... thank you for being here ... something something else ... " song before cutting and handing out cake.

Let me point out real quick that I grew up in chaos with people around all the time.  My mom had a bad temper and didn't like to be embarrassed or refused so I was completely used to having my comfort ignored and I guess I can revert back to "survive this without making a scene" mode sometimes.  I ate hamburgers even though I don't eat beef.  I ate the food even though Kira told me no one had been washing their hands while preparing it.  I ate the cake even though Sabrina licked the knife she was cutting it with.  These things would have been uncomfortable for me regardless, but there is still a pandemic going on too, you know?  But I did the things.  I did them, ok?

Kira snacked on our gas-station snacks from the trip.  Shadow ate the food.  Then they both hit the pool and I joined a bit later - just sitting on the edge of the pool and dangling my feet in at first.  Beth was all in and Sabrina wanted to be, but was talking to her guests.  We squirted each other with water guns and just chilled.  This, for us, was the best and most calming part of the visit.

I REALLY want to write more, but I feel like this is gonna be at least a two-parter.  I'm sorry, y'all.  Just typing all of this out has been exhausting.  Stay tuned.

Shadow smells so good right now.

Shadow smells so good right now. He's got the house and the car smelling yummy! He's using something that his Aunt Fal made. Fal, do you have a Facebook business page? I want to like and share it if you do. ❤️

I got my roll on today.

I got my roll on today. It's sunny and in the upper 30s. Shockingly, I didn't even need a jacket!  The sun here is AMAZING. As long as there's no freezing wind it feels nice while the sun's out. 

Butt padding and new helmet courtesy of my mom for Christmas. I had on my ear-covering visor and didn't realized how stupidly I was wearing my helmet. You'd think SOMEONE *ahem Shaun* might have pointed it out, but whatever. 😂 I'll make sure it's on better next time.

I had fun. I needed some exercise! ❤️

I relaxed and had a couple of friend / family dates.

I relaxed and had a couple of friend / family dates. It was so nice seeing people. But now I've got several vaccinated friends who've gotten sick despite being careful. Back into seclusion I go.

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/breakthrough-covid-infections-show-the-unvaccinated-are-now-putting-the-vaccinated-at-risk

What's on my mind, Facebook prompts.

What's on my mind, Facebook prompts.

Well, kind of a lot.

I haven't written anything in-depth in a while because we've been busy and I've been pretty un-balanced.  When I say un-balanced in this case I mean that I haven't been making self-care a priority and instead have been putting an excess of time / energy towards other goals.  I can do it for a while but it always catches up to me and I'm pretty sure that it has.  I spent yesterday fending off a migraine and slept for most of the day today.

When we were working on the house for those 3 weeks that we hyper-focused on getting it ready to be sold I would bribe myself out of bed with fast food breakfast.  I don't eat much meat but I love eggs so getting breakfast on the way to the house was always a treat for me.  But getting food usually meant getting an unsweet tea; I'd quit caffeine a while back but after 3 weeks of drinking tea daily it's become a habit again.  So even though I'm not needing to bribe myself out of bed to get moving I still find myself making excuses to run out for a tea, but if I'm out I might as well grab a bite to eat.  For me that's a vicious cycle and one that I'm trying to break.  I guess this is Day 1 of me being good.  I saved some tea from yesterday so that I could have some today without having to leave the house.  That will help me mitigate the withdrawal headache, at least.  (And yes, we could make tea here but with me trying to stop drinking it now is not the time.)

For several days we had issues with water pressure and thankfully we got that fixed today.  Our pressure reducer had gone bad and we got it replaced this morning.  The pressure reducer went bad right before the holiday and we needed the water company to check things out to make sure there wasn't a leak somewhere and they couldn't do that until yesterday so we didn't know what the problem was until yesterday afternoon.  Due to that there were several days that the water would just barely trickle when we turned it on.  That all but put a halt to washing clothes and showering.  It wasn't fun.  I slept on the couch last night in my clothes because I didn't want to make the bed gross.  Then when I woke up today I just couldn't handle the amount of hair I had on my head so my sweet Shaun buzzed about half of it off for me.  I don't know how or why, but having less hair is self-care for me so I needed that.  I also finally took a shower with decent pressure and I feel much better.

All of that was affecting me, but it seems so trivial now.  We just lost a young family member to a car accident and honestly I can't feel anything but anger at the moment.  She had just turned 17 and had her whole life ahead of her.  She was smart, a hard worker, so fun and silly, not to mention beautiful.  When my mom told me all I could say was "WHAT THE FUCK?!"  I'm still kind of there; I am having a hard time accepting that it happened.  I'm also worried about my mom and Shadow because they were close to her and neither seem particularly ok.  I'm honestly scared for her mom, too, because that is every parents worst nightmare come true and I just don't know what I would do in her shoes.

I don't feel it's my place to speak too much about this.  I'm not fishing for condolences.  If anything, just keep my family in your thoughts or prayers or whatever you do.  I didn't spend as much time with that side of my family as I probably should have and as such I realize that my role here is mainly support.  It wasn't because we didn't get along or anything; we were just living our lives in different places and doing different things.  Regardless, my heart breaks when I think of what they are going through and I know the loss is going to hit me hard in the next few days when I can no longer deny it.  I think we all have a rough time coming up and I guess I'm kind of bracing for it.

Anyway, I'm off to rest.  I feel like I'm functioning in battery-saver mode.  Hug your loved ones, y'all.  ❤

I was in Lowe's yesterday

I was in Lowe's yesterday and saw some ceiling stuff and it reminded me of back in the day when I lived with my grandmother and my friend Billy broke in when we weren't home and re-did her living room ceiling for her. I remember her being so confused and excited. 😂😂😂

Man. Good friends and good times. 😁😁😁

It's been a minute...

It's been a minute since I posted an update about how life is going so that's what this is.

Shaun and I have made some good progress in regards to emptying / organizing this house.  Family picked up two heirloom bedroom suites of furniture over the weekend so that means we've almost got bedrooms for the kids cleaned out out here.  For the last 6 months we've been slowly but surely cleaning out rooms of the house, as well as the basement, garage, and workshop, not to mention working on the house in Anniston.  Kind of squished into all of that is me studying for my CSA which is coming up this month.

We recently rented a 20 yard dumpster because, well, we needed to.  After Shaun did stuff like replacing the toilets and a sink or two and doing some other repairs and then us cleaning the basement where it had flooded way back and then also us hauling some larger junk to here from the house in Anniston and on and on and on... we legit filled that dumpster up.  It was picked up this morning, thank goodness.  Now all that is left is a garage full of stuff that I think (hope) the family will claim and / or yard sale at their church.  I will be so happy to finally have all of this extra stuff dispensed with - including the house in Anniston.

Speaking of - the house in Anniston doesn't need a lot of work, thank goodness.  It is pretty close to being put on the market which I am VERY excited about.  I really don't like being so far away from the kids (I know they are 21 but they are still kidults).  I also would REALLY prefer them to be here for this stupid tornado weather because there is a basement out here.  Yes, they are good and they come when bad weather is imminent, but I always hated being run out of my house as a kid and I hate doing it to them, too.  It is not a good feeling to be on either end of that situation.

Anyway, we've been busy pretty consistently but I think we got a lot done the last few days especially.  (Or maybe it just feels that way because of the mostly empty bedrooms and the full dumpster being gone.)  For whatever reason, though, I woke up this morning with a tension headache and I ended up mostly sleeping today because of it.  If I hadn't it would have turned into a migraine and that is the last thing I wanted.  I've been feeling good lately (physically / mentally / emotionally) so I don't know what brought it on.  I'm ok-ish at the moment but concerned about being able to sleep tonight.

With that I'm off to rest my body and work my mind.  One of my hands hurts and I'm not sure if I strained it while moving something or if my PSA is flaring up.  In any case I'm about it give it a few days off.  I need to order some nice deep pots for the rest of that aloe and maybe by the time they arrive I'll be up for potting the big crazy pieces.  But for now I need to study.  I hope you all are doing well.  ❤❤❤

Shaun buried his last parent today.

Shaun buried his last parent today.  We're doing ok, all things considered.  It rained all day so our plan to be able to social distance at a graveside funeral didn't work out, but we'll quarantine to make sure we didn't catch COVID.  Mostly we're exhausted, and there is still a ton to do.  Thankfully, nothing urgent at this point.

These last few weeks have been so extremely hard.  It's hard to see a person suffer.  It's terrifying to watch someone's health decline with such speed.  It's a helpless and hopeless feeling to know that there is not anything you can do to stop anything that is happening.

If there is one thing I've learned from this experience it's that keeping a binder or drawer of IMPORTANT paperwork related to your eventual death would be so helpful for your loved ones.  We are definitely planning to get things in order for our kids, like, now.  The stress of finding all of the info that a funeral home requires, knowing if / where / how there are funds to help with burial expenses, etc., would save a lot of stress.  Put vet records, house deeds, car titles, advance directives, and the will in with this.  Add accounts, what they are for, what things mean.  Have a paper saying where the septic tank is.  Write down relevant family history that is usually seen in obituaries.  All I know is that when I die it's going to be hard enough and my final act of love towards my kids is going to be that I made my death as easy as possible for them.  There is really no reason not to do this, so please, DO it.

And with that, we're off to rest.  Goodnight, friends.

Funeral is over. We're home.

Funeral is over. We're home.

TL;DR:  I hated it and I'll be shocked, SHOCKED, if we don't end up having COVID.

First of all, it rained all day. HARD. What's funny about that is that Shaun's dad always complained about never getting any rain. In all of the 12 years I've known the man, he's never been satisfied with the amount of rain he's gotten. And today, the day we definitely needed to be outside for social distancing and fresh air, it just wouldn't stop.

So when we arrived at the funeral home a guy with an umbrella was waiting for us. He was not wearing a mask. We didn't yet have ours on, but he motioned for us to put the window down so he could give us instructions. He was a bit confusing, but I tried. Then he walked around the building to tell me to do something else. By this point, we'd masked. He was still not. I'd opened my car door AND HE LEANED IN to talk to Shaun about being in the front of the procession. We didn't want to. "But you know you're the son, right?" was his dumbass response. At this point I opened my umbrella on him and told him we know and that we still didn't want to.

Finally, we made it to the front of the funeral home and proceeded to get a thousand hugs, handshakes, and condolences. More people than we were expecting were masked, but a lot weren't, and of course there were those who had to wear the masks wrong. It wasn't better inside.

They let us in to make sure everything looked ok. It was fine. People milled about for an hour or so before the funeral director asked if we would prefer to use their chapel because of the rain. We said ok, since there were a lot of elderly people who probably didn't want to stand around in the mud and rain. Another hour passed. We watched the slideshow the funeral home made of photos. Shaun picked some excellent photos, btw. Then the service finally started.

The Army soldiers did their thing. No 21 gun salute since we were indoors, but they "played" Taps (faked it really badly on an instrument that clearly had a speaker in the horn part) and folded the flag shittily, according to Shaun. They presented him with the flag and then the preacher spoke. After that, we were "dismissed" to the church for food. We went to the church and watched the burial, then ordered a deep dish pizza and went home.

There was a lot of people and the absolute lack of social distance and masking has me really uncomfortable. Shaun and I are going to quarantine just in case. It's not like I need to do anything but study this week, anyway. If I don't get my head back on school I could really screw myself over this semester.

Also, I now have some potted plants that I don't know how to care for. And extra fun: Someone stole my good umbrella.

But it's over. The part I was most terrified of is over. If we made it through this without catching COVID I'll be amazed and thrilled. I guess time will tell.

I had nightmares about this funeral.

I had nightmares about this funeral. About people getting close to us (not social distancing), about me making a scene about that, about FIL being buried with a slain horse (because for whatever reason [in dreamland] Veterans get buried with horses), about his dead body being dead but somehow waking up and looking for deceased MIL (who for some reason in my dream was alive) to give her a kiss.

To be super clear I'm going solely to support my husbang. I personally do not give one shit about this sort of thing. Plus, pandemic and all that.

We're going to make sure the funeral home has everything setup ok and then we're going outside. Anyone who wants to offer condolences to us at the funeral home can do it outdoors.

The actual service will be graveside, which we did purposefully due to the pandemic. Since FIL was a Veteran they are folding a flag and handing it to the next-of-kin, which is Shaun. We'd planned to keep distance from the crowd, but it sounds like we need to be up front for that. At least it's outdoors.

The worst part is probably after, when everyone expects to come to the house and bring food. We don't want a bunch of people in the house that we are now responsible for. We asked FILs sister if she'd host and a few days ago and she said that was fine, but there is a ton of plastic dishes and cutlery in the house now, so we aren't sure if that's the plan at this point. If everyone is coming to the house we're responsible for, we feel a pressure to be there. If not, we can skip it. We can stay outside regardless, but we're honestly just not up for socializing after all of this.

Oh, and guess what? I have been excessively tired for days and felt feverish last night. It could be another round of PMS because my period didn't make it last week. I have an IUD so I'm thinking the lateness is caused by stress. But with as much as we've had to see people lately I can't pretend that despite our best efforts it is entirely possible I've caught the virus (or some other bug). Wonderful.

By the way, I apologize for not responding to everyone's comments (yet). I will. It's just been an insanely busy week and I'm running low on energy.