Vanilla Coconut Dr. Pepper acquired.

I suppose this is the second...

I feel like I should probably get on with my "Sabrina's Birthday Story" post before my brain loses it.  So here we go...

We ended at "relaxing in the pool," correct?  After eating and pool time and Sabrina being a good hostess and talking to everyone the guests left.  It was at this point that Sabrina said she'd over-done it the past few days and that she was in pain.  She said that her choices were to hurt or to take a pain pill.  I told her she should take something for the pain and go take a nap.  And, well... she did half of that.

She took a pain pill and got hungry.  To be noted here:  She has a lot of issues with her stomach so she doesn't always have an appetite... so when she does she takes full advantage of it.  I completely understand that.  She made a hot dog and took it to her room.  She sat on her bed (that's where she almost always is) with the plate in front of her and took a bite.  Then she sat the hot dog down and then started nodding off on it while still sitting up.  At this point I figured I'd hang with Beth and let Sabrina get some rest so I went to the living room to do Beth's nails.

Me and Beth posted up on the couch with all of my supplies at the ready.  I began by attempting to soak off the gel polish I'd put on her back in March.  All of a sudden Sabrina stomped down the hall while dragging her hand along the wall for balance (it's just the way she walks) and she went to the kitchen to make more food.  On the way back she mumbled something about us coming back there to hang out with her, but I told her I thought she should sleep.  This happened several more times while I worked on Beth's nails.

Well, Beth's polish did not come off easy.  It took a decent amount of soaking and buffing, but I was making progress when Beth started nodding off on me, too.  She apologized a few times and then eventually gave in to it - putting a towel over her face and full-on laying down on the couch.  As I went to see what the clearly-awake Sabrina was up to I thought to myself "At least I got her old polish off."  (Sabrina had been teasing me that I forgot to leave them acetone and that they looked like they had been playing in Satan's bootyhole, so...)

Got to Sabrina's room and she was still eating and nodding.  She would talk to me and then crash, like a robot being booted up and then powered off.  I was able to get from her that she wanted her old polish off (which I knew, but right now?!) so I worked on one hand while she ate with the other between bouts of crashing out.  I asked her why she didn't just sleep and she said it was because I came a long way to see her and she wanted to hang out.  Ok, I guess.

Meanwhile, the kids were asking me to get them a hotel and I explained that I was a little busy and that they should tag Shaun in for help with that.  They did, thank goodness, and by the time I was finished cleaning Sabrina's nails he had them a hotel booked and a Google map address sent to me.  I can't possibly express to you all how much I love this human being.  He makes my life easier even when I'm miles away.

ANYWAY... both Beth and Sabrina had clean nails at this point.  Thank goodness.  Then Sabrina asked me to paint hers again.  I commenced the painting while she nodded in and out of consciousness.  So... painting an unconscious person's nails isn't as easy as removing polish because fresh polish needs to be dried or hardened.  Thank goodness I was using gels because there is no way this would have worked at all with a regular polish.

THEN TO MY SURPRISE Beth woke up and came into Sabrina's room and asked me to paint hers, too.  "Well, ok.  Why not?" I thought.  So I finished Sabrina's and started on Beth's.  Then Sabrina full-on laid down and went to sleep.  Not long after, Beth followed suit (though she was facing Sabrina and they ended up snoozing head-to-feet on their backs).  So I was just standing there at the side of the bed painting nails on a floppy hand and having to literally put Beth's hand in and out of my lamp.  Like, I knew she was up at the butt-crack of morning and I knew she was doing most of the cooking and all that, but I really thought that after her nap she'd be awake.  I was super wrong.

After doing nails a new adventure began:  Taking the kids to the hotel.

First of all - driving at night is not my favorite regardless; driving at night in an unfamiliar place is even worse.  But the kids needed a clean, chill space in which to decompress so I sucked it up and helped them pack the car.  Sabrina woke up to tell them goodbye and thank them for coming and she apologized and hoped it wasn't her that was the reason they were leaving.  I think everyone parted on good terms so that was great.  I opened the link Shaun sent to the hotel and away we went!

The hotel was only 8 minutes away... supposedly.  It took us much longer.  There was construction, I was driving on the interstate to this 8-minute-away place, there were several of these hotels in a clump with the same main name, and one road was called something different on the map than in real life.  It was a GREAT time.  I (unknowingly) stopped in the middle of an intersection.  When Shadow pointed it out I almost turned the wrong way down a one-way street to escape - he saved the day on that one, too.  It was just insanity.  But we somehow made it safely to the (correct) hotel.

I got the kids checked in and walked them to their room and then started my journey back to Sabrina's.  I wanted to fill up my gas tank in the cool of the night rather than the heat of the day when I was leaving the next day so I stopped at a Circle K.  They didn't take cards at the pump and that pissed me off so I left.  Google said there was another gas station 400 feet away.  Google lied.  I drove straight until I found one (I didn't mind the breather and the quiet so why the hell not?)

I found a gas stationed that looked clean and mostly empty.  Sabrina had given me money to get her some cigarettes so I went in for that and to grab some water and a tea for myself.  The tea I wanted was wayyy up high were I couldn't reach it so I asked a youth to help me.  He seemed happy to, thank goodness.  Then I filled up the car and headed back to Sabrina's.

Ok, look.  At this point I was EXHAUSTED.  I had barely slept the night before.  Aside from the noise of the house and Sabrina and Beth, there was noise from the street and I also had nightmares.  Also, Beth's room was freezing, but under the blanket I was sweating out all of my precious fluids - there was NO happy medium.  THEN there was being around all of the people, and worrying about the kids who clearly wanted out of there ASAP after the pool, and the smoke was making me feel shitty, and the adrenaline of being bad at driving in the city at night... anyway, what I'm saying is that I did something dumb so just give me a break.

I navigated back to Sabrina's neighborhood and drove around for a while - not on purpose.  Street names and numbers were starting to look familiar.  I was thinking to myself "I'm pretty. fucking. sure. she lives like, right here somewhere.  What the fuck is up with my phone?"  It was at that moment I got a text from Kira asking if I was back yet and if I was ok.  I paused in the empty street and replied to her that I was close, but couldn't quite find the house.  Then I checked my data... and it was off.  *facepalm*  Google was doing its best and got me as close at it could, but I guess it didn't have the exact data point so it had me circling her house.  Wow.  Just fucking wow.  LMAO

I was like, 10 feet away from her house when I figured out what was going on.  I was so flustered that I just needed a minute.  I called and talked to Shaun for a few in the car before I went back in the house.  I missed his voice and his face and all of him so I just needed that phone call.  Beth popped out the front door and I told her I was on the phone and would be in shortly.  I think she said she'd leave it unlocked for me, but I really didn't know or care by that point.

Anyway, got up the 'nads to go back in.  Sabrina and Beth were, by this point, completely rested and refreshed!  O_O  Beth wanted to do karaoke!  I hated to be a downer, but with my drive the next day and all that I just wanted to get some rest.  I hung out and snacked and chatted and then went back to the ice box to sleep.  (I did tell Beth I'd be happy to take the couch and she could have her room, but she said she was awake and would probably be cleaning and noisy so I'd better take her room again.  So I did.)

And then I had a lovely and refreshing sleep with no interruptions.

Hahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

It must have been before 6 in the morning when Beth snuck in her room with a flashlight again.  It might have been close to 7 when she and Sabrina loudly argued about when I needed to wake up to get the kids.  Beth was sure I needed to get up right then so I could get them by 11.  Sabrina said it was too early to wake me up and to let me sleep.  No one considered that I might have set an alarm on my phone for myself.

I'm not sure what time it was when Beth came in again, but she did.  And not with a flashlight, either.  She busted in her room, turned the light on, and almost yelled from the door "I'm leaving now, Blu, it was great to see you, I hope I get to see you again soon, thanks for coming, etc.," while I was on my stomach straining my neck to look at her, eyes squinting, trying to reply though she wasn't really pausing.  Then she turned off the light and disappeared.

Next thing I know (I must have dozed back off) Sabrina was knocking on the door saying it was 9:30 and I should probably get up to get the kids.  "Ok!" I replied.  Then I laid there - thinking my alarm would go off at any minute since it was 9:30 and that is what I set it for.  It never did.  I looked at my phone and it was 8:57.  "What in the actual fuck is going on around here?!" I screamed internally - and then got up.

Beth actually did make it back before I left so she got to see me off.  Leaving wasn't too hard.  I had gathered up all of my stuff the night before and they couldn't accidentally keep me because they knew I had a deadline to get the kids.  So... I gathered my stuff and away I went!

I found the hotel much easier the second go around.  We stopped and got fast-food breakfast before leaving Phoenix.  One of the kids said Phoenix reminded them of Grand Theft Auto - and I could TOTALLY see that.  LMAO  We ate and then had a beautiful scenic drive back and the kids were like "What the fuck?!" and laughing as they recounted their experiences from the last couple of days.  We made it home and I was SUPER HAPPY to see my husbang.  I smelled terrible and took a shower almost immediately and me and the kids threw all of our clothes from the trip in the washer together shortly after that.  It took two washes to get the cigarette funk out of our clothes.  It took me several days to get it out of my head.  It also took me a couple of days of sleep / laying alone in my bed to recharge my battery enough to do chores or really interact with anyone else.

The kids were happy to be home.  Kira was so excited to see her kitty wuss.  Shadow was pretty chill and didn't say much other than that he wrote down some of the shit Sabrina said because it was so amusing - like "You can't get high enough to make Spongebob.  Fuckin' squirrel in an astronaut suit under the sea? What kind of fucked up shit is that?"

I guess that reminds me of a little Sabrina story of my own and it's the perfect ending to this blog.  While chatting before I left, Sabrina asked me "Have you ever been so fucking mad at yourself?  Like goddamn."  And I was like "I don't know.  Why?"  And she said this:  "Before I woke up I was dreaming I was on a pier out on the water.  And it was so perdy and peaceful.  And sometimes you gotta spit, you know?  So I got up this super big, nasty wad of spit and I spit it out into the water.  But the problem was, I was laying on my back in my bed - I wuttn' out on no pier - and I spit all over my own face.  That's so fuckin' fucked up, man. I was mad as hell."

My first "only found here" Blu.FYI post

This site is obviously a work in progress.  I've found that no matter what platform I end up using - be it MySpace, Facebook, etc., - I end up blogging.  Apparently, writers gonna write. 🤷  Long ago I copied my content from MySpace and now I'm re-claiming what I can from Facebook by visiting their "Memories" section every day.  I am (THANKFULLY!) almost half-way through a year of this project.  But this post - this is a Blu.FYI original.  It's about a weekend visiting friends and I... I don't want to blast them on Facebook, but this story needs out of me.

One more thing before I begin:  It is not meant to be mean-spirited.  I love the main character and I know that she's going through a lot, but fuck if this shit isn't entertaining.  So without further ado...

Backstory:  I was raised a little redneck trailer-park kid.  I don't want to act like I was ostracized for not embracing that life, but 100% I was a gray sheep.  Thankfully, the only part of that upbringing that stuck was my southern accent; I can't hear it, but everyone else can.  In Alabama I was often asked where I was from - so I know I don't straight-up sound like cornbread, but people who are not from the south can definitely tell I'm from there.

Anyway, as kids my brother and I had a babysitter named Sabrina.  Ooh, she is a whole story and I hope I get to tell you all about her one of these days, but for now just know that our moms were the best of friends for a large portion of our childhoods and that she was only 5 years older than me.  She was so much more mature than we were, though.  She was also a little bad.  I liked her a lot.

I remember random things about her time babysitting us.  Like that time she was sure that "suppost" was a word and didn't believe me when I told her it was "supposed to."  I remember her letting us smoke our parents' cigarette butts because we wanted to try it.  I remember the name of her first serious boyfriend - Joshua Shane Brown.  I remember her reading the "POW!" and "BAM!" and such words for my brother when he watched Batman on TV.  I remember her always doing weird stuff with the toilet paper and I found out recently that she was making a pipe to smoke weed with from the cardboard roll.  I remember her combing her hair until she built up static and then holding the comb near a small stream of water and it bending.  I remember one time she let me ride her horse and then put food it in it's dish and it started running towards the electric fence and I thought it wouldn't stop and I'd be electrocuted so I jumped off it and got her ass beaten.  So. many. memories.

Eventually we got old enough that we didn't need a babysitter and our moms stopped being friends and time went on.  Social media wasn't a thing 20 years ago so we lost touch because it was easy to do.  But a few years ago I came across her on Facebook and we reconnected.  And it felt nice - not like a friend relationship, but family.  She had moved 2 hours away from our hometown and asked me to come visit - I finally had a car that would take me so I did.  And let me tell you - we spent the WHOLE NIGHT talking and catching up.  It was insane.  Neither of us had planned for it to turn into a sleepover, but we talked until 5 in the morning and I was exhausted so I told my husbang that I needed some sleep before driving home.  It was great, plus some other stuff that I'll write about later.  I have a couple of other visits that I hope to write about eventually.  But for now let me try to focus.

Frontstory:  My visit previous to the one I am writing about now was in Phoenix, AZ.  Sabrina and I had both moved to a more western location so it wasn't an Alabama to Arizona drive.  It was actually only 6 - 7 hours away from me and quite scenic.  A note:  At some point after her move she told me on the phone that she was terminally ill.  So at that visit when she asked me "If I'm still alive on my birthday will you come back for a birthday party?"  "Hell yeah!" was my response.  And this is how that went down.

Sabrina had already met and hung out with Kira and Shaun.  She met Shadow when he was a baby... random chance encounters at the grocery store with my mom and stuff like that.  Since she was having an actual birthday party with cake and swimming and all that she really wanted the whole family to come and celebrate with her.  Unfortunately, Leon still needed injections every 24 hours and regardless of that we needed someone to watch the animals so Shaun stayed behind to care for everyone.  The kids and I headed out about 1:30 Friday afternoon.

The drive was, of course, beautiful.  Kira sat up front most of the way and we chatted and talked.  Shadow chilled in the back and listened to music.  They both took pictures of the scenery along the way.  It was pretty pleasant.  And then we got to Sabrina's.

It was close to 10 pm and I was so tired.  I knew what I was getting into from previous visits and I tried to brace the kids for it without making them dread the trip.  I was, let's just say... ineffective.

A little backstory here:  I don't drink or smoke.  Neither do the kids.  Shaun rarely drinks and if he does it's to chill his nerves - not to get drunk.  I grew up with an alcoholic dad and parents who smoked cigarettes all the time in our presence and probably pot when we weren't around.  My mom tried to keep me shielded from alcohol and pot and anything else; I ended up trying to keep Shadow away from it all because I know that addiction runs in our family.  Kira was exposed to a lot of things before we got her, but that never meant she was comfortable with it.  Alcohol, of course, is legal and now marijuana is, too.  I'm ok with that fact (for real I am - even though I'm not a fan of rooms full of smoke or being the only sober person at a place), but cigarettes?  Ew.  The secondhand smoke still makes me feel awful.

Since I won't get far in this story if I have to tell you every time a drug is consumed - let me try my best to describe it now.  I need to convey to you that the smoking was continuous - if not from Sabrina, then from her roommate, Beth.  It was going on CONSTANTLY.  I don't know how else to be clear that Sabrina chain-smoked cigarettes all day, as well as smoked several joints - and both of those things on top of chasing vodka with Gatorade all through the day.  There was LITERALLY almost never a time she was without a drug in her hand.  And like, I'm not mad at that - her body, her choice.  The alcohol wasn't a big deal at all - at this point she drinks to be normal.  But she wasn't supposed to be smoking in the house (she told me at my previous visit that her landlord didn't want her to) and it would've been super cool for us if she could have avoided it, as well.  But that is not what happened.

We arrived at Sabrina's house and you could smell the smoke outside before the door even opened.  Kira was like "OMG.  I can smell it already!"  I don't think I realized that before (or either it wasn't that bad at that point), but it was certainly true now.  But we were there, tired, and had a party to attend the next day so we went ahead in.

Sabrina mentioned that she wanted her nails done, but we arrived too late...  Beth mentioned that she was going to make tacos, but we'd gotten there so late...  I apologized for coming late, but we tried our best.  However, the kids are almost always up for food and made it known so Kira volunteered to help Beth in the kitchen.  Off she and Beth went to get to know each other and make tacos.  Shadow and I stayed in Sabrina's lair (her bedroom with all the things she needs where she spends most of her time) and Sabrina asked Shadow some "getting to know you" type of questions.  Not off to a bad start!  Everything was chill, we hung out and had tacos, and got ready for bed shortly after a long day in the car.

Sabrina and Beth had pulled out the sofa in the living room for the kids to sleep on.  Beth told me I could sleep in her room and she'd bunk with Sabrina.  Sounded like a plan to me!  And we all went to bed and had a peaceful night's sleep.

Ha.

First of all, I was barely asleep when Beth entered her room with a flashlight looking for something she'd forgotten.  No biggie - it happens.  Finally, I was able to drift off to sleep again, but what felt like only a few hours later I was re-awoken... by the sound of someone shoveling gravel?!  "Wtf?!," I thought.  Then I heard a voice outside asking what was going on.  Beth replied that she was shoveling the gravel before it got hot.  It went on a few more minutes and then I heard another voice speak to her and Beth explained it yet again.  TWO NEIGHBORS COMPLAINED TO HER FACE about gravel-shoveling at this hour and BETH DID NOT STOP!  I didn't check my phone, but did peel back the black-out curtain and IT WAS BARELY DAYLIGHT.  AND BETH WAS OUTSIDE SHOVELING GRAVEL IN THE FRONT YARD.

Ooo-kay then.  Beth finally finished and I managed somehow to go back to sleep.  Not long after that Sabrina started vomiting.  (She's terminally sick and this happens.  Often.)  But does she really have to wretch and practically scream with every heave?  I don't know.  She might.  It might really hurt to vomit in her condition.  But the fact that she is loud no matter what makes me think it's just the way she lives her life.

After that pleasant wake up I drifted off again - only to be awakened by Beth loudly stomping through the kitchen and making breakfast.  By this point I'd received a text from Kira stating that they would need a hotel tonight.  I asked why and got the whole spiel - the gravel-raking, the vomiting, people stomping through the living room where they were trying to sleep to get to the kitchen.  Understood, kiddos.  Let's just try to get through the party.

This party, btw, was set to start at 10:30.  IN THE MORNING.  I don't think I've ever in my life heard of a birthday party that started so early, but ok.  I got up at 8-something and Beth was running around prepping food and cooking.  Then she left to run some errands.  I sat with the kids and tried to get my bearings and eat my oatmeal.  Then we needed to fold up the couch and get the living room ready for people.

Sabrina asked me to do her nails before her guests arrived (soak off 3-month-old gel and put on new when your guests are due in 15 minutes?  Not happening, but we can try, I guess.)  I wrapped her fingers with foil in cotton balls and acetone.  The doorbell rang.  She opened the door, then screamed "Oh shit, let me get my dogs!" while running them to the door to go out back.  Then she said "I'm sorry, Blu, I can't do this shit right now!" and tore off the foil-covered cotton balls and threw them in the trash.  She went back to greet her guest and a picture in a frame to the left of the door chose that moment to crash to the floor, breaking glass shards all into the dog bed underneath.  I cleaned that up while she spoke to her guest.  Then another arrived (without incident).

Pretty soon everyone that was coming was there and we were instructed to make ourselves a plate of food and eat it.  After that was done Sabrina called us to behold her beautiful cake, lit some sparklers and stood them in a shot glass behind it (she didn't want candles stuck in it), and proceeded to sing an impromptu "Happy Birthday to me ... rednecks are great ... thank you for being here ... something something else ... " song before cutting and handing out cake.

Let me point out real quick that I grew up in chaos with people around all the time.  My mom had a bad temper and didn't like to be embarrassed or refused so I was completely used to having my comfort ignored and I guess I can revert back to "survive this without making a scene" mode sometimes.  I ate hamburgers even though I don't eat beef.  I ate the food even though Kira told me no one had been washing their hands while preparing it.  I ate the cake even though Sabrina licked the knife she was cutting it with.  These things would have been uncomfortable for me regardless, but there is still a pandemic going on too, you know?  But I did the things.  I did them, ok?

Kira snacked on our gas-station snacks from the trip.  Shadow ate the food.  Then they both hit the pool and I joined a bit later - just sitting on the edge of the pool and dangling my feet in at first.  Beth was all in and Sabrina wanted to be, but was talking to her guests.  We squirted each other with water guns and just chilled.  This, for us, was the best and most calming part of the visit.

I REALLY want to write more, but I feel like this is gonna be at least a two-parter.  I'm sorry, y'all.  Just typing all of this out has been exhausting.  Stay tuned.

Foam so thick the spoon stands up.

Foam so thick the spoon stands up.

I don't drink alcohol. The last part of this is exactly how I feel.

I don't drink alcohol. The last part of this is exactly how I feel.

I've spent the last 3 or 4 days abusing myself with food.

I've spent the last 3 or 4 days abusing myself with food.  I've been stressed.  I don't have the benefit of a personality that isn't obsessive or easily addicted, so I can't just smoke pot or have alcohol to wind down (nor do I want to, so please don't even try to make it a thing.  Yeah - I'm for legalizing pot because adults should be able to do what they want, but I'm not interested in that or CBD oil or coconut oil or essential oils.  Please don't even bring it up because it's not going to happen).  You'd be shocked at how many messages I get telling me to try pot or oil to feel better.  I won't.

Anyway.  I've had far too much sugar.  I've eaten so much junk food over the past few days.  My psoriasis is flaring up and my complexion looks terrible.  I've slept almost none and then almost non-stop.  I've over-worked myself trying to catch up to where I needed to be, and honestly after that Networking exam it feels like it was all for nothing.  So I'm ill.  I'm angry.  I'm unhappy.  I may be depressed, or I may just be reaping the rewards of being overwhelmed.  I do not know.

What I do know is that I am so discontent with certain things right now.  I want some changes to happen.  I've been working hard since 2015 to make some major life changes and I'm tired of working so hard and not having results.  I have grown and changed and gone through so many mental breakdowns since starting college.  In a lot of ways I feel like an entirely different person.  I have conquered things that terrified me (ahem, Calculus.)  I have done things I never thought I would achieve (attending JSU, for one.  Attending on a scholarship, for another).

But I'm frustrated.  I know that I am SO CLOSE to graduation, but it is not fun being confronted with failure so often.  I am not having a good time.  I want to cry, and scream, and I feel like no one gives a shit.  Everyone just tells me I'll be fine, that I'm tough and smart and always make it.  I get no space to be vulnerable.  I was chatting with someone just the other day and I was looking at Abstract Algebra and started to cry and they didn't even notice!  I don't feel seen.  Just because I have made it through hard things before doesn't mean that I'm not scared to death of newer, harder things.  I am!

I don't know what else to say.  I know I'm going to be blowing off some steam soon, some kind of way.  I can feel it building.  If anyone sees me running blindly and just scream-crying, you'll know what's up.  Until then I'm grumpy and I'm not even sorry.  I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist this coming week.  I need some kind of help because honestly, right now, I am not ok.

I guess I'm feeling pretty adventurous tonight...

I guess I'm feeling pretty adventurous tonight; Chocolate Dr. Pepper is on the menu at Sonic, so now I'm drinking that. LOL Tastes kind of like those cakes made with Coke.

I feel this today. I feel out of control lately. It is not a good feeling.

I feel this today.  I feel out of control lately.  It is not a good feeling.

Over the weekend I ate a whole box of Oatmeal CREME PIES by myself (happy, Shaun? [he gives me crap when I call them "cookies"]).  I have been sleeping like I hate myself - staying up WAYYY later than I need to just to mess with nail stuff or watch TV (in other words, to relax and have fun).  Even on my best days I struggle to maintain a schedule.  I hate feeling confined, and that is exactly what having a schedule feels like to me.  It honestly takes work and effort for me to stay on track.  I spent almost a whole month being a good girl (staying on track), but now I feel like I've hit a brick wall when it comes to motivation.  It is gone.

I feel like if I drank or did drugs I'd be on a bender right now.  I know that most people don't understand why I steer clear of all of that, but this is why.  Addiction runs in my family.  If "cutting loose" or "losing control" to me means sleeping when I want and eating like crap, then this is plenty bad enough for me.  This is one area of my life in which I feel proud to be a lightweight.  I feel really awful (both physically and emotionally right now), and I know that I need to get myself together.  The hard part is actually doing it.

I thought at some point in life I'd wake up and be an "adult," where having a set schedule would just be normal and I'd be good at it.  It hasn't happened yet.  I can do it for a while, but I always eventually go on a junk food / sleeping wrong rampage.  I would honestly prefer to binge on work / school, then have some days off to recover.  I know that is not healthy, but I suck at moderation, so... I don't know what to do about that.  What's even more messed up is that I don't really have time to deal with it - even if there was a solution.

So with that I'm gonna play this song a few more times while I get ready for class.  I guess I will go through the motions of being back in control until it really happens.  🙁

I cut loose this weekend.

I cut loose this weekend.  I drank TWO Vanilla Lime Dr. Pepper's from Sonic, we watched American Ultra (which was awesome), and oh yeah - I did my freakin' nails!  I'm a happy girl!  🙂

I know these are far from the most impressive nails I've ever done, but I REALLY REALLY wanted to use the awesome flaky polish that I bought myself for my birthday.  It's Ferris Wheel by ILNP and it's BEAUTIFUL.  Also, check out the foil stamping polish - it pops over black!  So excited!  *-*

These were meant to be celebratory nails - Woo for finishing a year of college!  I guess they would also work for New Years.  Didn't mean to skip right over Christmas, but I have a few days left yet.  😉

Holy wow. I just woke up.

Holy wow.  I just woke up.  A nap wasn't part of my plan, but I was so drunk tired after we ate that I could not function.  Y'all know what I'm talking about?  Being so tired that you feel drunk (or rather - what I assume drunk feels like)?  LOL

I hate feeling that way, but that is one way my body forces rest upon me.  "You're done.  You can't do anything.  You can't even talk.  That's right.  Just get in your bed and STFU."  LOL  My head still feels a little swimmy, but I just woke up and I don't feel like I can sleep more yet.  Maybe I just need to move around some.

I dreamed that I was at Six Flags with Donald Glover and I was about to have a tomato grilled cheese (which in my dream looked more like a mozzarella and pizza sauce pot pie, but whatever).  I am hungry for that now even though I'm like, 99% sure it is not a thing that exists.  Maybe one of those cheap $1 pizza's from Wal-Mart would hit the spot...

I've been pretty quiet on here this week...

I've been pretty quiet on here this week... mostly because it's been a bad week.  Here's an update for anyone who's interested:

Monday I felt like crap and went to work for roughly 1.5 hours in the afternoon before dragging myself to class and half-assing an assignment in Literature.  Being alive felt like work.  HARD work.  It was SO DIFFICULT to make myself leave the house, but I eventually did.  How did I get so amazing?

After being in pain for most of last week Dr. Crawford's office finally returned my call on Tuesday and offered me Tramadol.  I told them I didn't want it.  It's an opioid and addiction runs in my family and I'm not ready to go there.  I don't understand why the fuck no one wants to prescribe a stronger NSAID - from everything I've been told on the Psoriasis boards, that's the usual coarse of action.  I feel like Tramadol is jumping the gun.  I feel like no one is listening to me and I hate it.

While I had them on the phone I told them that the Otezla they put me on was making me depressed.  They told me to stop taking it immediately.  I guess when you can accidentally pull out in front of other cars and not even have a fleeting sense of panic that you might possibly be hit by one of them, that's a sign.  So.  I'm off the Otezla.  Of course it had started helping my joint pain, but if you'd just as soon die as live it doesn't matter.  They said that they would call me back and let me know what I can take next.  That was Tuesday and I'm still waiting.  So, Dr. Monica Crawford is fired.

After researching rheumatologists that my friends recommended, my top three choices are Dr. Saway, Dr. McLain, and Dr. Traylor.  Dr. Saway is in the lead because he also specializes in Pain Management, which seems like a big freaking deal right now.

As for this day - it's not great.  I went to bed with a migraine, barely slept, and then was woken up by the sound of Shadow gagging.  He's been sick at his stomach all day and when I was woken up I noticed that I felt pretty yucky, too.  My stomach felt cold and swollen and I felt like I was gonna puke for most of the day.

I thought I would take Shadow to the doctor, but all of the ones that his Medicaid allows him to see were closed for the day.  I called Medicaid to see where I could take him besides the emergency room (because that seems like overkill), and they said that he does not have Medicaid.  I had the brand new card in my hand along with the acceptance letter.  After being put on hold for 30 minutes I decided I'd better make my own doctor appointments before everyone closed and of course, the Medicaid lady picked back up.  I asked her to please give me one second and she said she could hold for one minute.  I told her she could wait for a couple if she needed to because I've been waiting on her for 30.  I am quite sure I had a "don't fuck with me" tone to my voice because I would have jumped through the phone and ripped her face off had she said anything but "ok."

So, I ended up having to leave a message at another number about Shadow's insurance.  Of course - that place was closed, too.  So Shadow's not going to the doctor unless he gets sicker and then I'll take him to an urgent care place and pay out of pocket, I guess.  With all that money I made this week missing two days of work due to sickness and depression.

I have no words to express what I'm feeling right now.  I just want to scream profanity.  That, or lay on my couch like a lump.  I don't actually have the energy to be as upset as I feel.  That's been my week.  The End.

I don't normally do this...

I don't normally do this, but tonight I'm having a drink. I've been dreaming about Dr. Pepper for weeks. GET IN MA MOUF!

Since I have been given like, 100,000 numbers...

Since I have been given like, 100,000 numbers I thought I'd do this and get it out of the way.  And if you want to like or comment - feel free to do so without fear of getting a number.  I like to be the ender of things.  If you feel like you want to post facts about yourself, just go for it.  You don't need me to make you.  ❤

1. I have an allergy to the sun.  I can burn easily in 15 minutes.  I get very itchy and a really bad headache and nausea.
   
   
2. I am also sensitive to garlic.  LOL  Too much will make me sick, as well.
   
   
3. I am only 4 feet, 8 and 3/4 inches tall so I am TECHNICALLY a "little person."  An adult height of under 4' 9" qualifies you.  Being a little person is NOT the same as being a dwarf.  Dwarves are the ones with the disproportional builds.  Let the vampire midget jokes commence.  LOL
   
   
4. I super hate holidays.  I hate all of them.  I just dislike having to do anything out of my norm.  If I could choose to have a holiday when I felt like it, fine.  But I can't and most of them mean nothing to me, so... it's just an annoyance.  Birthdays and anniversaries are worth celebrating, though.  You've survived another year.  Go you!
   
   
5. I am drug / alcohol / smoke free.  I don't do any of that.  I think it's all bad and I hate for anyone to even do it around me.  Yuck.
   
   
6. This one is probably obvious, but I have an extreme amount of compassion for animals.  I don't feel that towards people - not even the ones I love.  Humans have resources and knowledge and so many options.  That is just not the case for most animals.
   
   
7. I am too empathetic.  I feel the emotions of others to an EXTREME.  I am sometimes more emotional about the bad things that are going on in someone else's life than they seem to be.  I believe that is one major reason why I don't like being around people.  If I don't care about you on a pretty big level, I don't want to feel what you're feeling.  It drains my life force.
   
   
8. I also don't watch a lot of movies / television for the reason above.  If I do, it's gotta be positive and light.  Something sad / bad in a movie or show can really fuck up my whole day.  It really gets inside my head.  That's why I like to keep shit positive over here.  I see enough bad things in real life.  I think it's actually pretty messed up to want to see bad or scary things happen to other people, even if it's fake.
   
   
9. I used to have more piercings, but I've taken out quite a few as I've aged.  I just lost interest or started feeling like they were in the way.  I don't regret it.  I still have a few, but nothing too crazy.  I sometimes think I want another one here or there, but then I think it wouldn't be practical so I just don't bother.
   
   
10. I'm not a fan of tattoos.  They are fine on other people (more power to you if that's your thing - I'm not judging you, and yes - I have seen some beautiful ones!), but I don't ever see myself getting one.  I have never had any desire whatsoever.

My big sexy boyfriend...

My big sexy boyfriend is out at a bar with what I can only imagine is a TON of scantily clad females jammed in there.  They are doing a Rocky Horror thing.

And I am ok with that.

I have seen the movie once and I feel zero urge to see it again.  Especially not with people.  Or out in public.  Because PAJAMAS.  And NAIL POLISH.  And ANI-PALS.  And NETFLIX.  And SHADOW.

ALMOST everything I care anything about is here.  Not in some bar with a bunch of random ass drinking folks who are trying to be sexy.  No thanks.  I'm good, brah.  LOL

I hope he has fun.  Stupid bar started the movie an hour later than they advertised, though.  That's why I hate people.  They are so unreliable.  If I actually like you... feel special.  😃  I don't dole out my liking to just anyone.  😛

Went to Lowe's all happy...

Went to Lowe's all happy about doing some stuff around here.  Left crying.

The old dude who was helping me asked if the planter that was leaking was for my marijuana plants.  And that made me cry.  I don't know why people think I use drugs.

This is not the only other time it happened, but it's one of the more memorable times: When I worked at Spencer Gifts, oh, 11 years ago, Shadow was like, 2 and had been sick all night and I had to be at work at the mall at like, 5 am for Black Friday. I looked like complete and utter shit since I hadn't slept much. Some old lady came in and made some comment about me partying too hard and my manager let her have it. She was like, "This kid won't even touch caffeine! She was up with her child! How dare you!" And it was really nice that someone had my back.

I don't know why it's such a big deal in my head. People can make fun of me for sooo many other things and I won't blink an eye. But that is the one that will really upset me. 😕

Just taking a quick break from my cleaning...

Just taking a quick break from my cleaning.  Blegh.

Also realized that I've pretty much quit caffeine.  Again.  Drug free, bitches!  😃

Shaun's gone to the lake for the holiday

Shaun's gone to the lake for the holiday, so I'm here celebrating Independence Day by being independent.  😂😂😂  I usually don't do any celebrating on the 4th anyway because I don't drink, and I don't want fireworks at my house, and I can't go watch fireworks because of my redneck-ass neighborhood.  I worry about what damage might be done to my property, or jerks trying to scare or hurt my animals, so I sit here and hold down the fort.  That's ok because I'm not really into people or celebrations anyway.

Since Shaun isn't around I think it's a good couple of days to fast.  I think I mostly eat because he wants to go out and who can argue with that?  If I had to put more effort into eating I'd be skinnier.  Because it's too much trouble and I'm not into all that "cooking and cleaning up" junk.

I guess it's also a good day to organize my bedroom a little bit and move some stuff around.  I've been itching to do that all week, but I was trying to spend time with Shaun while I had it.  It sucks because I feel like I've barely seen him.  This vacation has rolled by wayyy too fast.  What a bummer.  Maybe next time we need to leave for a weekend or something and get away for a few days.  It's just hard for me to do that because I live with a zoo.

Anyway, that's my plan for the day.  I'm doing pretty much the opposite of what everyone else is doing.  Sounds about right.  😉

Who among my friends don't drink?

Who among my friends don't drink?  Like, ever?  I don't want to hear from you if you do on occasion.  Teetotalers only please respond.  ❤

Do I have any friends that don't drink or do drugs?

Do I have any friends that don't drink or do drugs?  Am I seriously the only person EVER who has no desire to do any of those things?  I'm just curious.  Also, if you know anyone who isn't into all that, send them my way.  I'd like to meet them.  🙂

I did have one friend, but we're not friends anymore.  And the only other person I knew and liked is now far, far away.  🙁  So I feel pretty alone when it comes to all that right about now.  😐

ALSO, while I'm on the subject:  If anyone ever needs a designated driver, you know where to find me.  ❤

For the first time in my life...

For the first time in my life I went to a restaurant today (or rather, yesterday - St. Patrick's day) and ordered an alcoholic beverage.  I got a mudslide - for anyone who was curious.  Can't see myself doing that again anytime in the near future.  My guts burned for a couple of hours and I was angry for a while.  Got a headache and just wanted to sleep.  I think I'll stick to only tasting some of Shaun's drinks.  I just don't get why folks love alcohol so much.  It tasted ok, but in hindsight I would have been just as happy with a nice slice of Tiramisu - and probably quite a bit less unhappy afterwards.  Well, now I know.