I've spent the last 3 or 4 days abusing myself with food.

I've spent the last 3 or 4 days abusing myself with food.  I've been stressed.  I don't have the benefit of a personality that isn't obsessive or easily addicted, so I can't just smoke pot or have alcohol to wind down (nor do I want to, so please don't even try to make it a thing.  Yeah - I'm for legalizing pot because adults should be able to do what they want, but I'm not interested in that or CBD oil or coconut oil or essential oils.  Please don't even bring it up because it's not going to happen).  You'd be shocked at how many messages I get telling me to try pot or oil to feel better.  I won't.

Anyway.  I've had far too much sugar.  I've eaten so much junk food over the past few days.  My psoriasis is flaring up and my complexion looks terrible.  I've slept almost none and then almost non-stop.  I've over-worked myself trying to catch up to where I needed to be, and honestly after that Networking exam it feels like it was all for nothing.  So I'm ill.  I'm angry.  I'm unhappy.  I may be depressed, or I may just be reaping the rewards of being overwhelmed.  I do not know.

What I do know is that I am so discontent with certain things right now.  I want some changes to happen.  I've been working hard since 2015 to make some major life changes and I'm tired of working so hard and not having results.  I have grown and changed and gone through so many mental breakdowns since starting college.  In a lot of ways I feel like an entirely different person.  I have conquered things that terrified me (ahem, Calculus.)  I have done things I never thought I would achieve (attending JSU, for one.  Attending on a scholarship, for another).

But I'm frustrated.  I know that I am SO CLOSE to graduation, but it is not fun being confronted with failure so often.  I am not having a good time.  I want to cry, and scream, and I feel like no one gives a shit.  Everyone just tells me I'll be fine, that I'm tough and smart and always make it.  I get no space to be vulnerable.  I was chatting with someone just the other day and I was looking at Abstract Algebra and started to cry and they didn't even notice!  I don't feel seen.  Just because I have made it through hard things before doesn't mean that I'm not scared to death of newer, harder things.  I am!

I don't know what else to say.  I know I'm going to be blowing off some steam soon, some kind of way.  I can feel it building.  If anyone sees me running blindly and just scream-crying, you'll know what's up.  Until then I'm grumpy and I'm not even sorry.  I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist this coming week.  I need some kind of help because honestly, right now, I am not ok.