I feel this today. I feel out of control lately. It is not a good feeling.
Over the weekend I ate a whole box of Oatmeal CREME PIES by myself (happy, Shaun? [he gives me crap when I call them "cookies"]). I have been sleeping like I hate myself - staying up WAYYY later than I need to just to mess with nail stuff or watch TV (in other words, to relax and have fun). Even on my best days I struggle to maintain a schedule. I hate feeling confined, and that is exactly what having a schedule feels like to me. It honestly takes work and effort for me to stay on track. I spent almost a whole month being a good girl (staying on track), but now I feel like I've hit a brick wall when it comes to motivation. It is gone.
I feel like if I drank or did drugs I'd be on a bender right now. I know that most people don't understand why I steer clear of all of that, but this is why. Addiction runs in my family. If "cutting loose" or "losing control" to me means sleeping when I want and eating like crap, then this is plenty bad enough for me. This is one area of my life in which I feel proud to be a lightweight. I feel really awful (both physically and emotionally right now), and I know that I need to get myself together. The hard part is actually doing it.
I thought at some point in life I'd wake up and be an "adult," where having a set schedule would just be normal and I'd be good at it. It hasn't happened yet. I can do it for a while, but I always eventually go on a junk food / sleeping wrong rampage. I would honestly prefer to binge on work / school, then have some days off to recover. I know that is not healthy, but I suck at moderation, so... I don't know what to do about that. What's even more messed up is that I don't really have time to deal with it - even if there was a solution.
So with that I'm gonna play this song a few more times while I get ready for class. I guess I will go through the motions of being back in control until it really happens. 🙁
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