This is another private post about my father-in-law (FIL) and his health.

This is another private post about my father-in-law (FIL) and his health.

Monday, FIL fell and laid in the floor for two and half hours until his brother-in-law found him.  They called a local relative and it took four people to get him up.  He said he didn't feel like he needed to see the doctor and went for a nap.  After he woke up he was no longer able to walk.  The relatives all convinced him that he needed to go to the hospital, so he did.

At the hospital they did CT scans on him.  We already knew about his lung cancer, but they saw something on his rib on the same side.  At first they thought it was a fracture from falling, but it turned out to be cancer on his rib which wasn't there a few weeks ago when he had his initial scan done.

FIL has remained hospitalized all week.  He's on an IV with nutrition in it (I'm sure there is a name for it, but I don't know what it is) to try to get his strength up (he hadn't been eating much due to nausea and vomiting).  He was supposed to have a PET scan done on Wednesday to diagnose what stage cancer he has so that treatment (if possible) could begin, but the hospital said it would be cheaper for him to have it done as outpatient, so it hasn't been done.  Note:  We waited 2 weeks to get that appointment and it didn't happen.  I don't know if it was the hospital or FIL who refused to do the scan, but regardless, it didn't happen.

He's been at the hospital all week.  His brother-in-law and sister were staying with him (taking turns since only one person is allowed), but something (I'm not sure what) happened with his brother-in-law yesterday and they decided they had to go.

Note:  Shaun works night shift right now, from 2 am to 7 am (work is slow right now).  I dropped him off at the hospital at 10 yesterday morning and he's been there now over 24 hours alone with his dad.  He had a Soylent (400 calorie shake) yesterday morning and hasn't eaten since (he doesn't feel safe removing his mask).  He's slept only a few minutes at a time.  He's been masked for 24 hours and his ears hurt.  He is miserable.  But his dad called us yesterday morning, sounding like he was at death's door and said that he needed Shaun.  So like a good son, he went.

They spoke to a social worker yesterday about his dad going to a nursing home rehab for three weeks to be able to walk again.  As far as I knew that was the plan.  But then a doctor came in and said that doing that would further delay his scan and possible treatment, so they are still there today, waiting to speak to another social worker.  The plan for the moment is that they are doing home health so that he can get his scan and treatment started, and THEN go to rehab.

That is all fine and good, but home health can only do so much so family is going to have to help FIL until he goes to rehab.  Unfortunately, Shaun is the only one who's strong enough to lift FIL to help him and to pick him up if he falls again, so it's looking to me like I might be without my husbang for a while.  I am sad.  I hate knowing that Shaun is unhappy.  He is a kind soul and will take care of his father, but this is extremely stressful for him and basically his worst fear realized.  And of course I am stressed to death, as well - because of course I am.

Anyway, that is what's up with that whole situation.  Nothing is going well and I feel like the hospital is trying to kill FIL by delaying his scans and by extension his treatment.  It's been about a month since the biopsy was done to confirm it was cancer.  For fuck's sake, FIL is 81 and already in rough shape.  It seems like doing things in a timely manner would be essential to helping him.  Or maybe COVID is impacting things and if that's the case, it's really bad timing to be getting cancer.  I don't know.  But this is an awful situation and we're all struggling.

Today was pretty good.

Today was pretty good.  I woke up early and had my tea, and good conversation with Shaun.  I know I see him and talk to him all the time, but there is nothing like heart-to-heart talks full of reflection and questions and realizations and love.  It's hard to believe we've been together for 12 years.  For 9 years we worked at the same place.  For 8 years I was heavily involved in animal rescue / rehab.  For probably 7 of these years I've struggled with depression (not constantly, but about 7 years ago is when it started).  For 5 years I've been in college.  For two of our years together I struggled greatly with my physical health and psoriatic arthritis.  And there is so much that happened during all of that, too, for better or worse.

I don't know that I have a point with all of that.  I'm just feeling grateful for my best friend / partner in life.  I got an email from JSU recently about graduation regalia, and I think that spurred my thoughts as to how long I'd been working towards graduation and how large of a piece of our relationship school has been.  I know that a job will replace a chunk of my time very soon, but I think that not being tested constantly and actually reaping some of the rewards for my hard work will do me a lot of good - and by extension, Shaun and the kids, as well.  I'm pretty excited about that.

I've been trying to decide all day if I wanted to bother purchasing the cap and gown and all that since it's not likely there will be an actual graduation ceremony (or at least not one I'd feel safe to attend).  I'm also not having professional photos done, but I think it would be nice to have some pictures made with Dinorah at the school, and just have some of myself to mark the occasion.  I can't imagine that I will be nearly as excited without a ceremony; before the pandemic hit I told Shaun I wanted him to make the biggest deal out of graduation for me, but I don't see that being super easy to do as of right now.  That's ok.  I think all of us 2020 graduates probably feel a little cheated, but hey, real life is real life.

Anyway, I am heading to bed.  I have a Differential Equations exam in the morning.  I feel pretty good about it.  We'll see tomorrow if that's real or if it's just the antidepressants talking.  😝  Goodnight, friends!  ❤

How did I work in an office for 10+ years and never know this?!

How did I work in an office for 10+ years and never know this?!

Read this post. The change is noticeable.

Read this post. The change is noticeable.

TLDR; Things change. People change.

Two years ago (2016) I had trouble believing that I actually could attend JSU. Though I don't believe in fate I never felt that it was "meant" for someone like me. I started there Fall of last year, so I'm just over 1 year in as of now.

One year ago (2017) I was BROKEN. I was NOT ok. Leaving Gadsden State was HARD; Student Support Services @ GSCC had become an important part of my life, and the people there helped me in so many ways. It was so scary to be away from them, but I couldn't let that stop me. I'd worked so hard to get to JSU. That one transition alone was tough enough, but then it was made even harder by the fact that so many changes took place that first semester.

My family changed - I lost a very dear member, trailing several back-to-back losses of very dear souls. I gained one very special family member in September who was still dealing with that transition when tragedy struck her relatives, leaving her suddenly in the same day losing an aunt and a brother. I'd left my full-time job of 9 years to pursue my education, which was a huge leap of faith not only in myself but in my relationship with Shaun. So a lot of things were terrifying and different and wrong and it all came to a head when I lost my composure over a LINEAR ALGEBRA TEST in DSS @ JSU.

I was scheduled to take an exam there and I knew that I was going to fail it. With everything that was going on I hadn't studied like I needed to. Since I was there early I asked if I could sit on the couch in DSS and study for a few minutes. The nice lady told me no, but that I could walk to the TMB and study there. I told her that I could not. She tried to tell me that it was just around the corner, but I repeated to her that I couldn't go as I began to shake with tears welling up. She asked if I was ok and I wailed "No!" and started crying uncontrollably.

In that moment I was not embarrassed or ashamed. I was truly and completely overwhelmed to the point of mental breakdown - I literally couldn't have made myself walk to the TMB or do anything else - not one single thing. I was empty. I was more stressed than I'd ever been. I needed help. The universe sent it in the form of Mr. Len, who was a counselor just returning from lunch. He talked to me. He consoled me. He looked shocked when I told him the things that were happening in my life. He called and made an appointment at Student Health for me, which I kept. The doctor put me back on antidepressants and I survived. I dropped Linear Algebra, but I survived.

Now (2018) things have settled. JSU feels good and right to me. I'm learning a lot and I no longer feel like it's "not meant for me." I feel as though I've earned my place there. I no longer talk about graduation in terms of "if" - instead it's "when." (May 2020 is the goal). I'm counting down semesters (there's basically 3 after this one, not counting summer). I'm more than halfway to a Bachelor's degree. There are still some hard classes coming my way, but I've come too far and fought too hard to let that stop me.

The largest hurdle by far has been the mental blocks and the personal growth it's taken to get to the mindset of "I can probably do this." I've made a lot of sacrifices - time with family and friends, hobbies, helping animals - but I keep telling myself that it will be worth it one day. Change is hard - even positive change. I've been struggling with that since starting at Gadsden State. For the majority of this time on top of classes, my brain has been struggling to process the fact that I might actually earn a degree and launch a career. I've always thought myself to be an open-minded person, but changing my mind about my own limitations has proven incredibly difficult.

Anyway, that's enough deep-thinking and reflection for a Saturday morning. I'm off to do homework and chill.

Y'all, it's only the 2nd week into school and...

Y'all, it's only the 2nd week into school and we (math / CS students) have already gotten 3 emails about jobs / internships. I'm not ready for that yet because I want to focus on school, but if you are considering a career change I can't recommend math or computer science enough.  I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but math is SO interesting if you give it a chance and there is so much more to computer science than just programming.  I know I'm not done with my degrees yet, but don't forget that I made a D in high school algebra and started college in remedial math (Math 098).  It is never too late to learn and grow!

It's been about two weeks since I last posted...

I have about a week left before I start back to school. My last post had an optimistic tone; yet I have done almost nothing but sleep since I wrote it. The only real thing I've managed to do was get through the holidays and Google some stuff. My research has led me to this conclusion:  I am probably in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Hear me out.

At the end of 2014 I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis. It was at that point that I stopped and took a good, hard look at my life. I could see that I was on the down-hill slide (health-wise). I knew I was not living up to my potential. I was stagnate (career-wise). I didn't have any money saved, I had no retirement plans, and if there were any emergencies I didn't have a way to get through them without getting farther behind. So I did something drastic (and thankfully it was positive):  I went back to college.

During 2015 I worked and went to school. I felt as optimistic as I could despite struggling with my physical health. That was the year I couldn't walk up or down stairs by myself. Most of the medications I was put on didn't help - or if they did, left me with pretty bad side effects. Fortunately (or unfortunately, I don't know), by the time I saw a rheumatologist that November my symptoms were under control enough that he didn't want to change my medication. Then I lost my insurance... so you know - that was great.

I started off 2016 uninsured and a little heavier than I was used to being because I'd hurt so much during 2015 that I became much less active. I tried to take it easy on myself, but being in college and around so many young, healthy people... well, even though I've never been one to focus on my looks I gotta say that my self-esteem was starting to take a hit. Not only that, but my hobbies were starting to slip away. I wasn't making jewelry anymore, I was doing my nails less, and I wasn't taking in as many animals. Then, 2016 kicked me while I was down. Dad's house burned, killed his pets, took almost everything he had. I lost Lowrider and Scooter, as well as some of the smaller ani-pals. A pipe burst in my house and it flooded. You know - all that good stuff. Enter antidepressants.

Then 2017 rolled around. Hard classes:  Physics, Calculus II. I questioned so many times if I should keep going because that shit was kicking my ass. Shaun lost his mom. My bones hurt and my skin flared - I suffered through it because I had no insurance and all I could get for medication was methotrexate (whose side effects are worse than my disease). My neighbor stole my power and water - super stressful. I was barely working at that point because school was taking so much out of me, so that was the last damn thing I needed. My nails were a mess - no time for hobbies. Self-care went down the toilet. The only thing I had to look forward to was JSU.

Made that transition - it was harder than I expected. The adjustment from one college to the other was rough. New place, new teachers, and only one person I knew. Classes were tough and took a lot out of me. I left a job I'd worked for 9 years to focus on school - yet another huge transition. Beyonce died. Emma died. Tasha died. I died inside. I melted down at school. I dropped a class. I made my first C. More transition - Shadow moved in with Shaun to gain a little independence and so Kira could have his room. Tragedy struck Kira's family. No self-care; my life was upside down and I was hanging by a thread. I didn't know who I was anymore. Felt like antidepressants couldn't save me now.

So this is where I am right now. I don't look like the Blu I remember. I don't feel like the Blu I remember. I don't work where the Blu I remember worked. I don't do the things that the Blu I remember used to do. Not that I have ever been the most outgoing, but I barely talk to my friends anymore, I don't seem to go anywhere besides school, and I don't do nails or take in animals or give back to the community. Even right now I'd choose cinnamon rolls over chocolate. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost myself. I've lost a lot in the past two years. It sucks.

What's even worse is that more transition is coming. The kids are both having major anxiety and depression over graduating high school in a few months. I generally recall that as being a very happy and exciting time of life, but honestly, none of the seniors at Saks seem pumped. They all seem worried about their future and that is the saddest thing. Shaun and I both constantly reassure Kira and Shadow that they don't have to move out or anything like that - we just want them to make some good life decisions about their futures. Still, they are struggling, too, and it hurts my heart.

So now what? I would LOVE to pretend that I've had enough bad shit happen that I get to be ok in 2018, but realistically I know that is not how life works. Fortunately (unfortunately?) I have a lot left to lose - even though I might have by and large lost sight of that in the midst of everything that has happened.

 
In any case I still don't know when or how I'm going to be ok. I don't know how I'm going to get through this semester with as tired and unmotivated as I've been. I still have no idea who I'm becoming because I'm sure not the person I remember being. I don't really know what to do with myself besides stay the course I started and try to finish school. I would really hate to crap out now that I am more than half-way done, but I am having some serious anxiety about school and about working after I graduate. I don't know. The only hope I have is that from everything I've read after the mid-life crisis (which is where you sort of bottom out), your happiness generally increases until you die so that is something to look forward to.

I'm really sorry for this drawn-out, downer of a post, but I really needed to get this out. As far as I know none of my friends have gone through this yet so I feel pretty alone. I know that I am generally on the young side for this to be happening, but I did have Shadow earlier than most people have kids so it would make sense since my boy is just 3 months shy of being 18. If anyone out there has advice for me feel free to share. Otherwise, I'm planning to step up my self-care a lot and just hang in there. I am going to see a therapist at JSU once classes start back and since I have a big break between some of my classes I'm going to try to take advantage of some of their free fitness classes. I did notice a boost in my overall well-being from having to walk so much so surely it will help if I can get a little more exercise in.

I hope you all are doing well. I'm not, yet, but I'm going to keep trying. That is all any of us can do.  🤎🤎🤎

Heading to bed FAR too late.

Heading to bed FAR too late.  I've been studying for a Linear Algebra quiz that I'm pretty sure I will also fail.  I feel like I am stressed beyond function.  It might be time to get back on antidepressants because I feel like I'm just not super cool right lately.  I'm pretty sure I should be settled in at JSU by now and that I should feel more excited and motivated than I do.  Right now I honestly want to quit and I know that deep down, I don't, but my motivation and mojo are gone.  I'm empty.

When I'm ok I do fine with pressure and deadlines, but I look at everything I'm supposed to do to stay on top of this schoolwork and all I want to do is sleep.  The sole purpose of me freelancing and not working all the time was so I could focus on school, and for whatever reason or reasons, I am currently not doing it and / or not able to do it.

Admittedly, there were a few big transitions happening over the last few weeks, but things are pretty good right now.  I just don't feel like I have recovered and I'm not sure that I will without help.  I feel more and more that sinking feeling that crept up on me after the shit storm that was last year.  I don't want that again.  It was a dark place.

I'm heading to the C.A.R.E.S. clinic tomorrow, anyway.  I'm pretty sure I'm battling an infection of some sort, so I will ask the doctor about refilling my Celexa.  Might as well.  The last thing I need to do is let this ride and wreck my grades.  That won't help anything at all.

I hope you all are doing well.  If you're not, please take the time to take care of yourselves.  You gotta do what you gotta do.  ❤

I am tired to death this morning.

I am tired to death this morning. How is it only halfway through this week? 🙁

So I wasn't sure what to expect of a Probabilities and Stats class...

So I wasn't sure what to expect of a Probabilities and Stats class and I definitely didn't get why you'd need to take Calculus first. But now I do.

So... today the teacher did some demonstrations with dice and playing cards.  That was interesting.  I think that was mostly just an introduction to what the class was about because we didn't get into any math, really.

For homework I am supposed to figure out my p-value which I think determines how skeptical or trusting I am, but I'm not sure how to go about doing that, although (I think) I understand what it is.  If we toss a coin 3 times and it lands on heads every time - at what point do I suspect the coin is rigged?  So I'm over here thinking that I'd flip it more because 3 times isn't enough to know.  Heads 15/20 would make me suspicious because the "expectation" is for it to be close to 50/50.  Needless to say, I've emailed that instructor because I need to know what my options are and how to state my p-value.  😆

I am having some nerves because today and yesterday were both "first days" for me because I have different classes on MWF than I do on TT.  I think it's just anxiety because I don't know if I can do things yet because we haven't really done anything yet for me to decide if I'm in over my head.  Tomorrow (and the rest of the days) should be better (or worse).

Regardless, I can already tell that I've got my work cut out for me.  School is definitely my job now.  My life feels weird.  I'm not used to this weird day schedule and not going to work where Shaun is at least part of the time.  There is ONE person from Gadsden in ONE of my classes, so that is nice, but the rest is pretty lonely-ish.  Everyone else is younger and / or male-r than me.  This might not even make any sense, but I felt like I was with more serious students at GSCC.  Maybe if that is actually true it will work out in my favor, but for now I am just trying to adjust.

Anyway.  One more day to go this week.

It's been two weeks since my last nail post.

It's been two weeks since my last nail post.  I still haven't updated Instagram.  I even wore a new polish before this one and did nothing at all to it.  Who am I?  😱

I don't know if it was the stress of finals or what, but I feel like I've lost my nail art mojo recently.  😢  I'm just not in the head-space to be creative, and I'm almost content to just shape my nails and throw on something pretty.  It's not as though I've had a super lot of down-time, though.

Finals were Wednesday, I had errands and housework to catch up on on Thursday, then we went away on Friday.  Which yes  - that was nice, but it was travel and I came home exhausted despite doing nothing.  The rest of Saturday and basically all of Sunday was spent visiting family, and then yesterday I started freelancing pretty hard to get up some cash before classes start at JSU next week.  So I guess I shouldn't beat myself up that nail art isn't my priority at the moment, but it's something I always look forward to doing when I think I will have some free time, so not doing it for whatever reason just feels like a bummer.  😕

ANYWAY.  I'm wearing a polish that I've wanted for a while now.  I finally got my hands on it!  It is Chromosphere by Supernatural Lacquer, and it's SO PRETTY.  It's holographic but has this cool pink chrome shift to it that you can see peeking through on the nail and at the top of the bottle. That is more prominent in real life and in other lighting, but it is lit up in this photo so that the holo shines.  Also, the flakies in it are giving me life!

All I had time to do / felt like doing / could bear to do to this polish was stamp a couple of nails, so this is it.  It's what I'm wearing for probably the rest of the week unless I suddenly come across some energy or inspiration (or preferably both).

Happy Tuesday, friends!  ❤️

Today was my last day at Gadsden State.

Today was my last day at Gadsden State.  This is a bittersweet feeling.

I started classes there in January of 2015 and went non-stop.  I was never able to go full-time due to work constraints, but I think I made pretty good time.  I remember meeting with my Student Support Services adviser not long after I started classes and saying "I think I want to do Computer Science.  I want a money job and I like tech.  I guess I'll just start and see where it goes."  Little did I know that the farther in I got the more I would want to be there and the more driven I would become.

On one hand it does seem like it flew by (probably because I stayed so busy), but on the other I have felt every minute of this experience, for better or worse.  I have grown so much in ways that I didn't know I could.  But I also sacrificed a lot to make that happen.  I fought tooth and nail to get here - against schedule conflicts, against my body, against my mind, against exhaustion, against all of 2016, against a state government that wants to see me fail, and against just plain and simply missing my loved ones.  There is no more straightforward way to say this:  Sacrifices were made.

Now I've got just under 2 weeks to be ready for JSU.  I'm at least half-way done with my college journey to a Bachelor's Degree, and I'm more motivated than ever to finish.  I did get the transfer scholarship I wanted, I still have the Pell Grant backing me, and I'm going to go full-time.  Work will be freelance and take a back seat to my education.  It is not set in stone, but I've got my eye on graduating in May of 2019.

Anyway, I really appreciate all of the support from my friends and family.  And to my teachers who are on here I am grateful that you were a part of my journey.  Gadsden State will always hold a special place in my heart, and so will you.  I wouldn't have made it this far without you.  ❤

Now, I'm off to eat, do my nails, and anxiously await the posting of final grades!  That never gets old.  😜

Today is weird.

Today is weird.  It was my last day of tutoring for Gadsden State, and it looks like it was officially my last day at SCM (after 9+ years of being there).  I wish I could say that I felt great relief to have shed some responsibility, but I don't yet.  I have 6 exams between now and August 9th, so I still feel pretty overwhelmed.  Thankfully, I will have more time to devote to studying, so maybe I will finish this semester and this chapter of my life with my sanity intact.  We shall see.

I am glad to be home.  I'm battling a stress migraine.  I'm currently parked on the couch with Shadow, trying to digest lunch, and giving this Excedrin a chance to work.  Then I've gotta hit the books.

I feel like this day deserves more fanfare than I can give it, but that is the story of my life for the last few years.  On the bright side:  I'm about to begin the second half of my journey to getting a Computer Science degree, so that is something.  Maybe I can celebrate after finals.

I have broken a nail AND a flip flop.

I have broken a nail AND a flip flop. I legit don't know which is worse. I have been lost today because my GPS wouldn't work. My car has run hot. The duct tape on my backpack strap is melting and getting sticky crap all over me. I have worked today, now I'm at the doctor, and I have school later.

I'm pretty sure it's a Monday. 😑

For some reason our literature work has doubled...

For some reason our literature work has doubled for the last month of the semester.  🙁  But I am done for the week.  No work and no homework and no school tomorrow.  I am beyond excited to have a day just... off.  😃

I have not felt well since last night.

I have not felt well since last night.  After I got home from school I felt a migraine coming on so I took Excedrin.  I hate taking it at night because it keeps me up.  About 4 this morning I emailed my tutoring job that I wouldn't make it in because I was still not asleep and was supposed to be there at 8:30.  I would have been useless.

I haven't been out of bed for long today.  I don't feel as bad as I did - I think the rest helped, but I don't feel good by any stretch.  Between stress and psoriatic crap I'm not in a great place.  On the bright side I checked Blackboard and have the grade for part of my literature mid-term.  I made a 93 on half of it.  Still waiting on the grade of my paper.  At least one class seems to be going ok.

And with that, I'm off.  I don't know what I'll do, but if I can get my head clear I'll work on my literature assignment for the week and try not to think about Calculus.

I am officially on vacation from one job for a couple of weeks.

I am officially on vacation from one job for a couple of weeks.  That will give me time to be sure I'm ready for mid-terms.  The college is only closed on Monday and Tuesday for Independence Day, so I will still be working there except for those two days, plus I've got another job planned for the rest of the down-time after that.  Only a little rest for the weary this time!   😂😂😂😭😭😭

For real, though, I'm cool.  Sacrifices must be made, but this 4-day weekend is going to help a lot.  I'm trying to work as much as I can until August because things are up in the air after that.

I was about to take a shower, but I guess I need to go outside and see why this fire truck is spot-lighting the side of my yard / the neighbor's house.  Oh, and now there is a cop.  Wonderful.

Edited to add:  Everyone has cleared out.  I don't know what that was.  Except more motivation to work my ass off and get us OUT OF HERE.

Despite setting two alarms I woke up at 8:28...

Despite setting two alarms I woke up at 8:28... two minutes before I was supposed to be at my first job.

I don't do coffee, but there is no tea in my house.  I just made tea late Sunday night.

I guess today IS another day.  Looks like it might be another rough one, though.  Hopefully it will turn around.

And with that... off I go.

I'm home.

I'm home.  Gonna be working a lot this semester between two jobs and school.  Needless to say, I am tired.

Since I started not taking Celexa I've been having "brain zaps."  It's a completely weird electrical sensation in my head that is supposedly harmless.  Added to the vertigo / dizzy feeling - it's a little much.  I noticed that it wasn't as bad this morning, but as the day wore on it got worse.  I think rest is a good thing for me right now... if only I could find time to do it!

I feel like a nap is in order.  It was a long day.  And I have homework, of course, but I don't feel that I can concentrate on anything at the moment.  I guess a nap is just what has to happen if I want to be productive anymore today.  (Which I do.  Of course I do!)

Later, friends.  I hope your week is going well.  I'm trying to get myself sorted out so my week can (hopefully) go well, too.  🙂

Just showered.

Just showered. It was great. Thought "I'm gonna wear actual pants to work today."

Actual pants = jeggings.

🤔🤗😆😆😆

I find it gross when a married person...

Maybe it's just me, but I find it gross when a married person (outside of the context of speaking to someone who might not know who this person is to you) calls their spouse "my husband" or "my wife" almost exclusively instead of by their name.  This is something that has annoyed me for years both IRL and online, so it's directed at no one in particular.

But to y'all who do this:  Does marriage mean that you now posses that person and they are no longer worthy of having a name as an individual person?  Or are you just trying to make sure that everyone knows you got someone to marry you?  🤣🤣🤣  For real tho, it's like a little kid with a new toy.  We know, we see it, now please go and play with it somewhere else for a while.

It goes for other family members, too.  I don't walk around saying "my son" when referring to Shadow because generally speaking friends and coworkers know that he exists.  He is a person with a name, not something that I view as a belonging.  I don't even think I've legit said out loud to anyone that Shaun is "my fiancé" because he is still Shaun regardless of anything else.  If someone was unclear I would say that we are engaged, but if I am speaking to friends, family, or coworkers, then they probably already know and there would be no confusion when using his name.

Maybe I am just weird and I read too much into things.  I feel like words are powerful, though, and I'm always questioning things.  I mean, not using someone's name seems like a slight against their person-hood or individuality.  I never wanted to be called "Mom" but between family, daycare, and school, that is what happened.  I'm not mad about it, but I'm far more than "Mom" and I'm far more than "someone's fiancée" or "someone's daughter" or "someone's sister" or what have you.  I am definitely no one's possession.  Establish our relationship to your new audience once then proceed to call me by my name again.

I think with marriage it might be particularly upsetting to me because of how much of it throws back to a time when women were treated as objects.  I mean the traditions of being given away, of only the women being marked with engagement rings, etc.; that whole deal is just icky to me.  So repeated possessiveness in relationships really rubs me the wrong way.  And unfortunately, I don't view it as women taking it back to say "my husband" all the time... it's just the flip side of the issue to me and still no less an issue.

Ok, so that's a ramble.  I am home sick from work today.  I woke up and started barfing so I've been trying to take my mind off of how terrible I feel by thinking, I guess.  😂  There are far worse ways to pass the time, I suppose.  If you have differing opinions or different views I'm open to discussion.  I won't be on here constantly because I feel like crap, but I will definitely check in and respond.

Anyway, for all of you married folks that haven't forgotten your spouse's name, y'all the real MVP's.  ❤  I like how you do.  😃