For the past week I've been super stressed.

For the past week I've been super stressed. Politically, there is a whole lot going on and I'm sure that's a strategy to overwhelm us. I'm trying not to let it work. I also had some work stress, which ended up not being bad, but I did work some longer hours. That's ok. My point is that I slept late today because I just felt like I needed it.

At 1:something, Shaun came upstairs to check on me, which I normally appreciate, but I was still half asleep and he was turned up to 100. 😂😂😂 He was like "I thawed a rat and need your help feeding the snake we could've gone on a road trip today I can probably feed the snake by myself it's whatever what do you want to do?" and I'm just tucked in with my cat and squinting at him like "Wtf, bro?"

I'm so glad he felt great today, but that was a bit much. 😂😂😂

Anyway, I slept late and didn't have a sleep hangover, so to me that says I needed it. Despite feeling stressed most of the week, I didn't have nightmares last night. I actually had pleasant and entertaining dreams for once. I can't remember the last time that happened.

So yesterday was 2 full weeks on Testosterone and I haven't had a migraine despite my stress levels, so that's amazing. I'm finally sleeping at night again and it's wonderful. Even if I wake up to pee or whatever I'm usually able to fall back asleep. I also feel less brain-foggy and that is a huge relief.

I haven't hopped on a scale, but I feel like I might have lost some weight, too. I'm not doing anything crazy. I have a 32-day streak of walking at least 15 minutes per day. I started small because I figured it would be easier to make into a habit. I am still doing weights 3x/week, except that I skipped 2 days last week. Instead of beating myself up, I'm just going to pick up where I left off this coming week.

I don't know if weight loss would be due to the Testosterone or not, but I also started meds for Hypothyroid around the same time. All I do know is that I tried to lose weight before, during, and after college and it didn't matter if I fasted for days and walked an hour a day at the gym, it wasn't budging. But now I feel like I'm not actually trying hard and it's happening, not to mention that I don't constantly feel like I'm freezing all the time.

Whatever it is, I'm grateful that I'm feeling more normal. I also feel like I finally have a say over the state of my body. It's just weird to me that I spent so much time trying to get in shape and it wasn't happening, but now that my hormones are medicated, it doesn't feel like it will be impossible anymore. Hopefully, this will be a healthy year for me. We shall see.

I'm here to ramble again...

I'm here to ramble again because it helps to quiet my mind.  Feel free to skip this.  I'm gonna break it into sections for readability, I guess.

ANXIETY

My lips and cheeks are chewed to death.  I hate it when I get this way.  I am still on my antidepressant and antianxiety meds, but so many people are having a hard time right now and it is really upsetting.  Politically, things are going worse than I imagined.  I was hoping that the tangerine felon would just play golf through his term again, but food prices are rising (if it even makes it to the shelf), ICE is being spotted everywhere, and I'm mad as hell at everyone who voted for this.  I hope it comes back and hurts you more than it hurts anyone who didn't vote for this.  Take it personally because that's how I mean it.  Not to mention his "jokes" about serving another term.  He's obviously trying to set up to be a dictator and some of y'all are just here for it.  My only solace is that he's a crusty old man and might die.  If not, perhaps another Luigi will step up.  I said what I said.  I like it when the villain dies and that doesn't just apply to fiction.  I'm not religious or superstitious so I have zero qualms about saying it.  I will not feel bad if it happens.  I will dance.  I guess I needed to get that off my chest.

If it's not clear:  I believe in helping people.  I believe that no on is illegal on stolen land.  I believe that billionaires are a problem to be solved and that they are pitting the lower classes against each other to keep us distracted.  I believe that anyone who hoards wealth while people suffer in poverty has a serious character flaw.  I believe we should all pay our fair share of taxes, INCLUDING high-earners.  I say this having come up from poverty - literally supporting myself and my child on $17,000/year + depending on government assistance to making bank now.  I pay my taxes - my taxes are paid.  HELP OUR COMMUNITIES WITH IT!

(I know that New Mexico does take care of its citizens and that is one of the main reasons I moved here.  The red states need to get their shit together.)

More on my feelers:  We have been doing a good job about not eating out/DoorDashing food during the week.  We are doing that to save money and to try to encourage us to eat healthier.  But today... today I needed sloppy food and carbs.  I was craving it.  We ordered pizza and brownies and I have no regrets.  Sometimes we just have to comfort ourselves.  We'll get back to the routine starting tomorrow.

HORMONES

Testosterone is supposed to help with anxiety, but I am unsure if it is having any effect or not because, well, see above.  I did sleep basically through the night last night, though.  I woke up once to pee.  So I am happy about catching up on my rest.  Now if only I could calm down.  At least I haven't had another migraine.  Yay for silver linings.

I am also on a hypothyroid medication.  I am noticing that I don't feel cold as often.  I haven't hopped on a scale to measure it, but I feel like I might be losing some weight.  I'm not doing anything extra besides walking a little every day, doing my strength routine 3x week, and trying to eat at home during the week.  Doing that and more before starting this medication never once helped me shed the extra pounds I was carrying.  So if having the diet and exercise routine of a normal human being is working for me now, that's pretty great.  No complaints here.

RELIEF

I guess shouting into the void does something.  I feel exhausted now.

I'm about to go to bed because I'm exhausted...

I'm about to go to bed because I'm exhausted, despite sleeping as long as I wanted to today.

So last night I saw someone post about a music video with Roseanne in it. I made Shaun look it up on YouTube on the TV. That was... Something.

After that, there was a video talking about Jafar Jackson and how he sounds so much like Michael. I made Shaun watch that with me, too.

Being tired and done with my bullshit, he turned the TV off because he was going to bed (around 9 last night). Having just learned of Jafar's existence and wanting to know more, I opened the YouTube app on my phone. It presented me with a pimple-popping video and I COULD NOT look away. So I sat here on the couch until 2:30 this morning watching disgusting, grossly-satisfying video after video. I could not stop. For 5 hours I sat here, trapped and entranced. I'm afraid I've now ruined my YouTube algorithm and I'm scared to open it again. Apparently I'm defenseless against pimple-popping videos. Not super shocking since I'm such a skin-picker, myself.

Anyway, I didn't make it out of the bedroom today until around 2 this afternoon. I did do my walking, but not my delayed leg day from yesterday. I will try again tomorrow.

I thought I was ok, but then I found out that my face looked mad. I didn't feel mad, but over the course of the day I asked Shaun to stop talking to me, and then eventually to stop looking at me. So I guess I've felt some kind of way. Like "We can watch TV together, but do not perceive me." 😂 He just went to bed... in his game room. He said it was probably safer that way. 😂😂😂

I really need to do my nails. I've had this gel overlay on for 3-ish weeks. Maybe 4. I cut my nails recently because they were getting too long, but the gel is starting to lift and that's probably causing damage. But I obviously didn't feel like doing nails today. On top of my mood, I've felt tired and also foggy. I can't blame the hormones because I'm the one who stayed up late, but I'm sure they are doing something. I'm on day 2 of Testosterone and started my Hypothyroid meds today.  I should probably be resting and taking it easy while my body adjusts. So, goodnight. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

... How?

... How?

This is insanity.

He's literally a criminal, not to mention just straight up not a good person; that doesn't even touch on his bad financial/business decisions over the years.

Shit's got me all the way fucked up.

Y'all see this yet?

Y'all see this yet?

My heart. ❤️

https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/1g9yjif/eminem_introduces_barack_obama_in_detroit_tonight/?share_id=csDZOAfHwKRK5jzqhLLA6&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=5&rdt=64824

I wasn't super fit for human interaction yesterday.

I wasn't super fit for human interaction yesterday. I just had to do my bitching and get off the internet. You're welcome. 😂😂😂

I'm in a mood and I've been eating extra hot Chicken Vindaloo for 3 days. I guess I need my food to match my spicy attitude right now. I woke up smelling it in my armpits this morning and I liked that.

I just saw the news. If you're not tuned in, check it out. That's exciting.

I'm usually a watcher.

I'm usually a watcher. I observe people. I rarely interact unless I like a person. I'm great at staying in my lane and living and letting live. It's your life. Do what you want.

But... I woke up and chose violence today. I don't understand the audacity of some people. Especially "men."

First comment is something I wrote to a person who posts a lot and I really don't think he knows how much he actually says in those posts. He's always lamenting the fact that he can't find a partner who is loyal. He thinks he's smart and a "damn good man" and like... Why? Why do you think so highly of yourself? Because you're "loyal" (which is the bare minimum you should be able to offer in a relationship)? Because you can admit your mistakes? That's good. But have you learned anything? Doesn't look like it from where I sit. You've been in the same struggling-ass position for years and things are not improving that I can tell.

If you were ACTUALLY a damn good man, someone would want to be with you. That's just facts. You're not as good as you think you are.

The second screenshot is of a guy who friended me sometime back. He immediately wanted to video chat and I didn't because I don't know him like that and don't care. Attitude right off was like I owed him my time and attention because he tried to pay his (unwanted) attention to me. Then he started asking for money, and telling me to hide the "loan" from Shaun. Like, what the actual fuck? I'm pretty sure he's just out here scamming whoever he can. If you get a friend request from him, the fact that I am a mutual is not an endorsement. He has one more time to ask me for anything and he's blocked.

Then there's one more person who also needs to chill. I don't owe them my time. I have helped them plenty. I'm happy to play nice, but I feel like they're trying to manipulate me at this point and I'm not stupid. I see it. There's nothing else I can do for you right now. So if you read this and the shoe fits, lace that bitch up and wear it.

I'm off to put down my floor. I'm not playing around on the the phone or internet today.

Something to think about.

Something to think about.

by Caitlin Lowery

I used to be a missionary. I would go on short term mission trips to Eastern Europe or Africa for the sole purpose of “earning souls for Christ”. We kept count of the number of people we “saved”. We put on a play or volunteered for a little while to show our love for Jesus. Then after praying with them and adding their soul to the tally marks, we would never see them again. 

I thought I was doing God’s work. But if I’m being honest, I was doing work that made me feel good. I would volunteer in an orphanage or help clean out a house, both tasks requiring that the people who lived there had to teach me what to do. This actually took their time away from their family or their work. Yet I believed I was serving them. 

Ask me what their names were. I must have worked with and met hundreds of people. Do I remember who they were? Did I even attempt to keep in contact with them or show them that I still care after they’d been added to the notches in my cross? No. Not even once.  

I prayed over their houses of worship, that they would repent and see that their faith was dead. Yet I never once sat down and asked to learn what they believed. Why did I assume that my faith was the right faith? Why did I assume that my presence was so precious that it would change their hearts and lives? Why did I assume that they were lost, living their beautiful content lives right where they were? Why did I assume their lives needed changing? 

This is white supremacy. This is colonization. White people entering a foreign land under the guise of caring to turn people into followers of the white peoples god and life. Do not pretend colonization doesn’t happen anymore. It just lives under a new name: mission trip. 

Do not victimize the missionary that was killed for not following the laws of the tribe he claimed to love. Do not demonize the tribe that simply tried to protect their children from disease and violence. If he cared he would have already known their beliefs and laws and would not have disrespected them. But he didn’t care. They were just going to be another notch on his cross. 

If you’ve gone on mission trips before, and this feels like an attack, sit with that feeling for awhile. Is it good to help people? Yes. Is it good to insert yourself into someone else’s life without asking based on your own assumption that you are the most important person in the room? No. It’s time for us to reflect on that notion and change our ways. 

Colonization needs to end.

I've felt very grateful this week for where we are.

I've felt very grateful this week for where we are. I went with a friend to the tea shop and it was such a lovely visit. I am so happy for all of the nice things around us - even (maybe especially) those we've yet to discover.

Coming from a small town to a place that has things I'm interested in feels amazing. I am really enjoying getting to know our new hometown and there is so much we haven't even seen yet. I'm just soaking it all in.

Yesterday me, Kira, and Kalien went to a neat little Boba and Ramen shop. The food and drinks were so good and the place was decorated adorably. I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm just happy. This is just a rambly appreciation post, I guess.

Right now I'm trying this house tea blend from the New Mexico Tea Company. I've never had a smoked tea before, but it's interesting (in a good way). I like it.

Also, there is this:

Gov. Lujan Grisham takes action to safeguard abortion access, protect New Mexico health care providers

I feel so cared-for here. I feel safer than I ever have. I'm so grateful every day that we made it out of Alabama.

Today is an exciting day for me...

Today is an exciting day for me - my legal name change has gone through!

I know that there will be questions so I'm going to do my best to explain.

This has been in the works since 2016 - before Shaun and I were even engaged.  Of course it is traditionally expected for the wife in the relationship to give up their last name and take their husband's name upon marriage, but I truly loathe everything about the tradition of marriage.  That is a rant that I'm not interested in going into today, but suffice it to say that we signed up to be legal spouses rather than husband and wife - so why would we do anything else the traditional way?

I mean no ill will or hard feelings towards Shaun's relatives, but the Sexton name was not meant for me.  Everyone who knew Shaun's father knew that he was a deeply religious man. Anyone who knows me and Shaun well knows that we are atheists.  Unfortunately, that caused a fair bit of friction and Shaun's father expressed to us in no uncertain terms that Shaun (and eventually me, as well) not being in the church was bringing shame on the family name.  He would make comments or have us read passages or quotes along the same vein.

Us changing our names was not done in retaliation or to be petty - though we are not religious we are also not assholes.  We'd never want to shame his legacy and this separates us from it.  As skeptics, we require proof of a claim in order to change our beliefs and none was ever presented.  A person can't be forced to believe something they don't believe so we had an irreconcilable difference.  This doesn't mean that we don't believe we were loved or that we didn't love him in return - we did.  But this was undeniably a very sore spot for him.

Also, neither of us believe that a child should exist to fulfill a parent's expectation.  That is a heavy burden to bear.  We believe that our offspring are whole new people with different ideas and experiences and beliefs.  We encourage Shadow and Kira to be fully who they are and not only have they have been a pleasure to get to know, but our relationship with them is not strained.  It's a beautiful thing.

Speaking of the kids - I call them kids but they are 22 years old.  They are legal adults.  They are welcome to take our last name if they want it; however, both of them have expressed that they are happy with their names and that is 100% ok.

There are other practical reasons for this change, too.  Our names on the bills and the house and the cars and all of that are a mess.  Sometimes there is only space for one last name.  Sometimes one of us is put in the "notes" section.  This will clean that up entirely.  Not to mention that this is just another piece of our slow and beautiful combining to be a united front.  I love that even after almost 14 years together we are still happy and "all in" enough to want to do this.

So why Xenethos?  Shaun took the letters from Sexton and Stephens and mashed them up.  This was our favorite outcome.  It means "strange character" which does, indeed, fit us.

Why now?  I'd planned to change my name after college, but unfortunately Shaun's father passed away not long before I graduated.  Then we had estate stuff to handle and changing a name during that seemed like a bad idea.  Then we moved and needed to get settled and live here for 6 months before we could do it, so there was that.  Finally, the timing was right.

How do you say it?  Zen-e-thos  (I'll do this better, maybe.)

Funny Story:  We went to file our paperwork together and I turned mine in first and received my court date.  Shaun did his right after me and received an earlier court date by about 6 weeks.  So TECHNICALLY the universe did a little shit on my head and made me take his name after all, but it's all good.  I'm just happy it's done.  I've been Blu Xenethos in my head for 5+ years now.

If I missed anything with my explanation feel free to ask questions - I'm happy to answer!

"The human brain and human body are complex and wondrous...

"The human brain and human body are complex and wondrous and get it right almost every time, but sometimes they get it different. And different should not be wrong, and different people and their families should not be attacked by their own government."

I really don't miss Alabama. Like, even a little bit.

I really don't miss Alabama. Like, even a little bit.

Axial Tilt.

Axial Tilt.

I'm so frustrated right now. The only thing about this time of year that I enjoy is knowing that the days will be getting longer. It's extra good for me this year because it means more sunshine for skating.

I'm declaring here and now that Christmas 2021 is the last Christian holiday that I will actively be participating in. I have reasons.

For one:  I am not Christian. I don't believe in any gods at all. But IF I was into Christian holidays for religious purposes I would be furious about how commercialized they have become. Pretty much all meaning is lost and the point is to spend money, consume goods, decorate, and maybe go to church even if you don't any other time of the year. How shitty. 😂 If I was a Christian, I'd be celebrating a LOT differently than most people I know. 

For two:  I really don't understand doing something just because it's always been done. Like, so what? Why? I grew up doing these rituals and now I don't want to keep repeating them, especially when I could do ANYTHING else. I could do ANYTHING I want on a certain day, but no, I *choose* to do something I've done before? Is it special to repeat a ritual? Is it comforting? For me personally, no. It's really grating, actually. In math and computer science we use algorithms and we automate as much as possible to avoid doing exactly this. Let a machine do the repetitive work. Let me move on!

If you enjoy holidays then more power to you. I'm just saying that I don't, and that after this year I'm opting out. No more Christian holidays for me. Shaun and the kids can do whatever they want. I'll give enough effort to them and only them to not ruin their day because I love them. And therein lies the trap. 😕

EDITED TO ADD:

Anyone who receives a package from me, know I did that because I wanted to. I'm pretty sure that gift-giving is my love language. I just don't enjoy the thought of having to do it certain times of the year whether I'm feeling it or not. ❤️

Check it out! I made it over a ramp! I'm so excited. It was a great day. ❤️

Protect innocent black boys the way you protect guilty white boys.

Protect innocent black boys the way you protect guilty white boys.

Period.

Oop.

Seriously.

Seriously.

If you had a problem with his protest, tell me:  How was he supposed to do it better?

She / they (the first 12 lines sum it up for me personally).

She / they (the first 12 lines sum it up for me personally).

Today has been pretty good. 🙂

Today has been pretty good.  🙂

Shaun and I woke up and watched the inauguration together despite going to bed sometime around 4 this morning.  Going to bed so late wasn't part of our plan, but we brought Cubba and Rose (dogs) to Talladega yesterday, finally.  We were concerned that Cubba would climb the fence and he did not disappoint.  Despite having a MUCH larger fenced area in which to run around size doesn't seem to matter to him and nothing is better than FREEDOM.  😂😂😂  Thankfully, he is neutered, friendly, stays close to home (so far), and we are out in the country.  Almost every time we noticed he was out he was already trying to climb back in.  😂😂😂

We hate tying up animals but we did tie him last night because we had to make a trip back to Anniston right after we got them home because we were in a rush due to possible rain and forgot their food.  Since it was their first time being here we didn't want him to get out and get lost.  It was not pleasant for any of us, though.  The fenced portion of the yard is shaped oddly and if we shortened the tie he couldn't reach food and / or the dog house and if we left it long he could just climb on out while still tied.  There was no winning.  We were up so late trying to figure out how to keep him contained.  It was not fun.

Anyway, the dogs survived their first night here.  After the inauguration this morning we went out and played with them for a bit.  Rose LOVES having such a big space to run in.  She's younger and more energetic than Cubba so that makes sense.  Then we needed to get busy moving stuff around here so we were outside working basically all day.  Rose seemed to enjoy running around the perimeter of the fence seeing what we were doing.  Cubba got out twice so we had to tell him he was bad and put him back in.  We started giving Rose treats when she's in and he's out so he can see that good food happens inside the fence.  He's stayed in of his own accord for the last 2.5 - 3 hours so we're grateful for that.  He is a very smart dog so I think he'll catch on.

As I mentioned we worked pretty hard today.  We had cleaned out the basement previously and separated everything from it into the garage; trash on one side and donations / yard sale items on the other.  From doing house updates / repairs and cleaning out some of the rooms in the house we had a similar thing going under the carport out back.  We decided to put all of the trash into the carport and all of the donation / yard sale items into the garage.  It was no small feat.  Eventually we are going to have to rent a large dumpster to get rid of the stuff from the carport.  We still have two more bedrooms plus the shop out back to go through, though, so that's not happening just yet.

I would also eventually like to go through the stuff left in the garage and separate it / categorize it so that it would be easier to search through if we have a garage sale, but that is a task for another time.  With the pandemic still happening that might not even be a thing we're comfortable doing.  I don't know, but I'm not a fan of clutter and disarray so hopefully we figure something out soon.

We worked for about 4 or 5 hours straight today so we are exhausted.  I really wanted to come in and do more stuff this evening but I've eaten and now I feel like I'm crashing out.  Big shock there.  😂😂😂  Thankfully, the weather was really nice for doing outdoor work and I really enjoyed seeing the dogs have fun.  I think it's supposed to rain here tomorrow so maybe that will be a better day for us to work inside.

Anyway, friends, I'm off to get some rest.  I hope you all had a good day as well.  I imagine that a lot of you did not, but it'll be ok.  Our new president doesn't mean you any harm no matter who you are and that is far more than I can say for the last one.  Whether it feels like it to you at this moment or not we as a nation just took a step in a right direction.  Representation matters and this is the most diversity I've ever seen in our government.  It makes my heart happy and I hope we continue down this path.

I'm so relieved...

I'm so relieved that we finally took out the trash that was left to fester for 4 years. I've never been more disgusted than anytime I was exposed to the classless, honorless, moral-less piece of shit that held office before today.

And that Poet Laureate, tho. I need a heart ears emoji.