I woke up maybe an hour ago...

I woke up maybe an hour ago, which for me on a weekend is great.  But I didn't sleep well despite being exhausted.  I can't seem to shut my brain off, kind of ever.  🙁

If I'm watching TV on the couch or something I can get drowsy and nap.  Too bad I don't sleep well on the couch.  🙁  If I actually get ready and put myself in bed, even if I'm exhausted my brain will go some really dark places since I have no distractions and I will not sleep.  If I dare get on my phone and surf the internet as a distraction the screen will wake me up and I will just be awake.  Surfing the internet is more active than passive, anyway.

I might need some bedtime stories saved to my phone.  Or something.  I don't know.  But pretty much every night since it happened I have thought about Lowrider and all of my regrets with how I handled the end of her life.  And now I worry that I let Scooter hurt for too long - maybe his random barking wasn't so random.  🙁  He started throwing up on Tuesday.  I prolonged his pain and / or discomfort until SATURDAY because I was hopeful that his nausea meds would help.  Hope is a terrible thing to have sometimes.  If it wasn't for that I would have let them both go sooner and spared them some pain.

I just want to be dead so I can rest and never hurt anyone I love again.