Y'all got me so triggered, for real.

Y'all got me so triggered, for real.

I did not spend 5 years in college doing some really hard shit just to squat out another baby in my 40s. I'm tryna live my truth so let me be honest real quick:  If I got pregnant right now I'd have to bippity-boppity-abort that thing. With my rotten-eggs having ass. 😂😂😂

Y'all just threw me back to the barely pre-teen "virginal" days when I couldn't have a stomach bug without being interrogated about whether I was pregnant. Then to the little bit older days when I was statutorily raped by a grown-ass man. And to the days of not being allowed a baby shower because I was "an unwed mother and it's improper." And then to the days of trying to navigate raising MY child not only as a single parent AND young person starting out on their own but with someone actively plotting against me and trying to take him (most of my high school friends didn't see the struggle of that last one so I ain't mad at'cha).

DESPITE all that I loved and continue to love being a parent. I got 2 of the coolest people I know in my life because of that. But for the first time in my entire whole ass life I have complete control (as much as one can, anyway) and I'm not giving that up to make another human.

And, there is this:  I've evolved beyond "womanhood." I haven't identified as "female" in years. I've posted in words that I'm genderqueer and about how excited I am to have an "X" on my ID. I haven't posted a pic of myself in ages because being told that I'm beautiful or pretty feels wrong and uncomfortable. I know y'all are just trying to boost ya girl when you do that and I love and appreciate our sisters being shown love but I'm no longer a sister - I'm a sibling. I can't pretend to know where I fit anymore but I know where I don't.

At this stage in my life I consider myself a parent. I don't feel like "motherhood" is accurate for my here and now and as fucked up as it might sound it's because I'm happy. For me, being / becoming a mother was a traumatizing, scary, isolating experience where I was given the greatest gift I've ever received yet simultaneously ostracized for receiving that gift. I was so much more alone than most of you knew - it literally was just me and my Shadow for a long time and I was so small, y'all. I... uh... god damn, I'm crying.

I can't act like there are times that I don't yearn to mix my DNA with Shaun's. I know he would cherish me and our li'l big head, pale-ass baby offspring. He would help me with the sickness and I wouldn't be worried about losing my place as Section Leader at band camp. He wouldn't cheat on li'l delicate, precious, pregnant me and give me Chlamydia and disappear leaving me to struggle with the enormity of what was happening to my body and my life alone. It would be beautiful and amazing and this fantasy child would have it so much better than what I was able to provide alone.

But see, that's not the timeline we're living in. Here in this reality I'll be 39 years old this month. I (willingly and happily) spent my youth raising my child. I now have psoriatic arthritis and it's better for my joints to keep my weight down. I'd like to start strength training to help ward off osteoporosis and get this body right. Between college and mental health issues over the past few years I've neglected me. And me (whoever they is now) deserves my care, too; I should get to see myself through to my final form. I'm not finished growing yet.

I don't know. These are my "I got up to pee and I can't fall back asleep" thoughts. If you feel more confused about who I am than you were before you read this, then welcome to my world. I've been struggling with it for years. I'm at that "caterpillar is goo" stage of life, so just bare (it all) with me, I guess.