Today has been a mixed bag, but...

Today has been a mixed bag, but at least I feel like I can say that things might be looking up.

I was SUPER SICK last night.  Nausea, headache, fever, etc.  Physically I still do not feel good at all, but it's not as bad as yesterday, thank goodness.

On the school front... I'm so embarrassed to admit this, but I made a 3 on that Linear Algebra test.  A literal THREE.  I just could not make my brain go on Wednesday, so that is what happened.  🙁  On the bright side several people have told me that they had to re-take linear algebra, so it's not just me.  But I am going to email my professor this weekend and let her know what all is going on.  Since I still don't know if I'll be able to drop the class I might as well do as much as I can while I'm in there.

On the dropping that class front... I checked in with the scholarship guy and he said it would be 10 days - 2 weeks before he could tell me anything.  I don't want to just keep failing it that hard only to find out that I can't drop it, so I'm gonna put in the effort on it.

Speaking of effort - DSS really came through for me.  They have found me tutors for both Linear Algebra and Probability and Statistics.  So I will be meeting with tutors every Monday so that I can get on track.  I'm pretty excited about that.  I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but it would be great if I didn't have to drop Linear.  We'll see, though.

Other than that I met with my adviser today and he said that he really thought I'd be able to drop Linear Algebra if it came to that.  He said that my record was strong and he's sure that JSU will want to keep me.  He said it helped that I have identified my issues and that I'm taking steps to get back on track.  So that was nice.

I also found out that after I finish my required maths (Linear Algebra and the Stats class) that I am literally one math class away from a math minor.  So even though I don't have to declare a minor I'm going to.  There is absolutely no reason not to at this point.

The last thing was that we planned my schedule for spring.  That's cool and all, but I found out that even if I go full time and take two classes each summer I won't be finished until summer of 2019.  🙁  I was thinking I'd have summers off and finish in May of 2019, so that is kind of a bummer.  But on the bright side of all THAT he did say that Linear Algebra looked like one of my harder classes, so if that's the case I will probably survive the next two years.  LOL

So yeah.  There is a lot going on.  I still don't feel 100% physically or mentally, but having plans in place is uplifting, at least.  I feel pretty supported by the efforts of DSS and hopefully my Celexa will kick in in time for me to have motivation and energy and a working brain before I majorly mess up anything else.  For now I'm off to muddle through some DSC homework that is due tonight.

I hope you all have a great weekend.  I plan to rest and study if I can.  While I do feel the pressure to try to get back on top of things ASAP I know that creating more stress for myself right now is a bad idea, so I'm going to try to be super nice to me.  Hopefully, I can.  That is not one of my strong points, unfortunately.  😕

❤❤❤

Student Health Services...

Ok, so today was just honest to goodness BAD.

Ok, so today was just honest to goodness BAD.

I went to school early to talk to the scholarship guy.  At first he told me that I would lose my scholarship if I dropped a class.  I asked him if there was ANY WAY to avoid that and he finally told me that I'd have to write a letter outlining why I wanted to drop a class, and he'd have to present my case to a committee that he would have to pull together.  It didn't sound as though the odds would be in my favor, so I left feeling defeated.

Since I knew I had to take my Linear Algebra test I skipped my programming class in hopes that I could study for the Linear Algebra test for that hour and possibly not fail it.  No such luck.  The lady at DSS (Disability Support Services) told me there was nowhere for me to study and told me that I could go to another building.  I told her that I could not.  I literally could not make myself do one more thing - not even walk.  Instead, I cried.  So, that sucked.

She talked to me for a few minutes and then I talked to my regular DSS person.  She said it sounded like I had a lot going on and that she understood why I wanted to drop.  She told me they would also send a letter to the scholarship committee, and she did that today.  They also put out feelers for tutors in case I cannot drop.  They don't typically offer tutoring for the classes that I am struggling with, but I think it's pretty clear to everyone that I need some help right now.

So, test time came.  I looked at it.  I answered the true / false questions and the first question, which was very simple.  And then I turned it in because I just could not force my brain to go.  And then I cried some more.

As I was turning in my test a counselor came in the building and the woman to whom I was turning my test in asked me if I wanted to talk to him.  I said sure.  So, we talked.  He asked me if I'd want to see him regularly and I said that I would for now.  So, my first official appointment with him is next Thursday morning.  Maybe that will help.  He seems like a nice guy.

While I was there he asked me to fill out a piece of paper.  I did and gave it back.  He said it looked like I was having a major depressive episode.  I told him that I'd been on Celexa before and thought about taking it again.  He told me that I probably should, but that he'd also like for me to see someone at Student Health Services.  So he made an appointment for me there at 9 tomorrow morning.

I came home and immediately started writing the letter to the scholarship committee.  I outlined all of the problems that I am having, as well as the steps that I am taking to address them.  I made sure to mention that if I am allowed to drop the class now I'd take it over the summer so as not to delay my graduation.  I really think I can be ok with 3 classes, but I feel like my brain is overloaded and can't handle 4.  It's been too tough of a transition and with me having to scramble to learn the logic stuff, and now with me feeling so behind I just think the pile of things I have to do has gotten so big that it's insurmountable (or at least feels that way).  I need this break and I desperately hope they give it to me.

And so, that has been my day.  I have a headache and I'm sleepy even though I slept, but I think that's just the depression.  I remember the last time I started sinking I would try to do things and then just sleep.  So this is where I am right now.  I should study tonight, but I am going to not do that.  My brain can't and I don't need the frustration that will come if I try to make myself.

I hope that things are going better for you all.  If not, I'm sure there will be brighter days ahead for all of us.  For now I'm enjoying couch time with Shadow and watching Kira dress the dogs.  🙂

Thoughts on dropping classes?

If y'all are wondering why I'm in a constant state of "freak out"...

If y'all are wondering why I'm in a constant state of "freak out" this is what Linear Algebra looks like. Between this and Discrete CS I am definitely learning a new language with all these symbols. I don't see the mirrored "E" on this sheet, but there are some of the upside - down letters "A" near the top. It's crazy how so much of the material in my classes is related. I guess I'm learning where mathematics and computer science converge. It's all super interesting. But NOT easy.

Made an 86 on my Programming test this morning. 😁

Tests this week.