I exist right now. That's about it.

I exist right now.  That's about it.

Every day since Tuesday I have crawled back into my bed right after getting home from school.  Yesterday was the first day I didn't eat a grilled cheese and fries kid's meal from Sonic in my bed; I ate it on the couch instead.  All I did today was go to one class, and then out to eat with Shaun and his dad.  I came home and slept for a few more hours, yet I am exhausted beyond belief already.  I don't really want to admit what an accomplishment it is that I didn't get back in my bed before 7, but this is my reality right now.

I have no more Sandy Shuffle in my life, no more Scooter shaking his pom-pom tail for me; I have no more Emma bringing her food in the room so she can eat with us, and now no more Nappy running out into the fence to greet me every day, or whining in the morning because her food was never early enough, or her pushing her food dish around to scrape the "bad" off the top (a habit she got from the bad place she was before that she never grew out of; they just cracked a 50 lb bag of food open for all the dogs, and they had to eat it regardless of rain, ants, whatever...)

I just feel so empty.  Believe it or not, I'm not dwelling on all of this, but there are constant reminders everywhere that I've lost 4 of the most precious family members I've ever had.  I feel more down than I ever have, even though I'm taking double my usual dose of Celexa.  I have zero energy, and my self-care has gone to shit.  I might actually take a shower tonight, though, so I guess that is something.  I hate to post and be such a downer, but it's progress that I'm posting at all.  Woohoo.

In other news:  Today was my last class of the semester; I have final exams on Monday and Tuesday, then I'm out of school until January.  My grades are decent; I am pretty sure I have an A in Discrete Computational Structures.  I have a B in Stats, but if I can make at least a 68 on that final (which I think I can), I'll have an A in there, too.  I currently have a B in C++ which is ok, but I feel like I could have and should have done better.  But given everything that has happened this semester, oh well.  I feel accomplished just for hanging in there.

I'm looking forward to some down-time soon.  I'm hoping it will help me feel better.  I really need to be working while I'm out of school, but I'm not going to push myself.  It just feels like entirely the wrong thing to do.  I've been going hard since the beginning of 2015 and I honestly haven't had an easy year since.  My physical health was horrible in 2015 to the point where I had trouble walking; last year was full of loss and stress, and this year is turning out to be no easier.  I'm really not sure how much more I can take.  But I hope you all are doing well, and if you're not, please just try to hang in there.  That's what I'm doing because I don't know what else to do.  ❤