I appreciate all of the love sent my way today.

I appreciate all of the love sent my way today.  I'm sorry that I haven't responded yet; I've read all of your comments and I appreciate them, but I don't have it in me to react / reply personally just yet.

I didn't sleep much last night.  I sat up until almost 3 am studying and playing games... trying to distract myself from her being in the hospital.  I wouldn't have been able to sleep had I tried.  The call came early (6:30ish) that we'd lost Faith during the night.  Shaun came to my room, woke me up, and told me the news.  Then he held me while I tried to wake up / process what I was hearing.  I legit asked him if he was kidding because it just didn't make sense.

It's weird to feel so disoriented.  My first emotion was, as I posted early this morning, disbelief.  Then I got angry.  Not at Faith, not at the doctors, but just angry with nowhere to really direct it.  That sucks.  Then I felt nauseated - like I'd been punched in the gut.  I decided to get up and try to eat, and I did, but it didn't really help.  I spent most of the day in a weird daze, struggling to process what happened.  Sometimes crying, sometimes angry, talking it over and over with Shaun about how she was fine when we went to bed on Saturday night, "Did I cause this?  What happened?  Did something bite her?," replaying Saturday evening in my head trying to figure it out.  I can't.  I just do not know what happened.

Shaun and I cuddled together in the recliner, just being together in our sadness.  He is so patient with me.  I know it was not the most fun rehashing the last 48 hours over and over, but I had to.  He's assured me so many times that this couldn't have been my fault, but she was my responsibility and not knowing what went wrong is eating me up.  Since I don't know what happened I can't learn from this.  If something in my house caused this how can I protect Booka and the cats and tortoises from it?  I have no answers and I am not ok.

We eventually napped for a while and then left to retrieve her body at 3 pm.  On the way to the vet the sadness really hit full force.  Seeing her body, getting that lovely paw print from AMC of which I am collecting far too many... I had no choice but to accept that she is gone.  Though I'd cried off and on all day that's when the ugly crying really started.

I am sad, y'all.  I am really, really sad.  I have missed her all day.  I got dressed without anyone tugging my clothes and waving their big, goofy, good-morning open mouth at me.  When the cats got in a scuffle earlier, nothing happened.  I waited a beat then said "Bark bark bark."  Shaun kind of half-smiled and squeezed my arm.  Faith always tried to keep the cats in line.  When I was making my dinner she wasn't there asking for me to share.  When I take my antianxiety tonight and in the morning she won't be waiting next to me for her daily meds, too.

This has been a big, sudden, confusing, bad loss.  I'll be ok eventually.  I survived losing the rest of my pack and I'll get through this, too.  But for now I'm grieving real hard and processing the best I can. Please know that I love and appreciate all of you.  Do me a favor and hug your loved ones because you really never know what tomorrow brings.  ❤