Two things:

Two things:

1. This is not a public post, so discretion is appreciated.
2. I am not ok and I definitely need advice if you have it.

I will try to keep this short, but we'll see if I can manage it.

Some of you may remember me saying that FIL was hospitalized last week (I think it was last week; I honestly have no concept of time lately, thank you depression).  He got home late last week and called us to come and see him on Saturday.  He knows we've not gone anywhere except for necessary places since March, but this sounded pretty serious, so we donned gloves and masks and went.

He told us that he has 10% heart function and there is nothing else that can be done for him.  (He's 81 and has had heart attacks and surgeries and procedures since he was in his forties, I guess).  He then showed Shaun what he wanted to be buried in and where his will was.  He was very emotional and it sounded pretty grim.  I'm guessing that he was close to dying when he went to the hospital and that scared him.

He told us we need to visit him every few days now.  He says he tested negative for COVID at the hospital, which is nice; HOWEVER, he's also resumed going to church (no masks required), having visitors over (I doubt they're wearing masks), stopped for food on the way home from the hospital, is going into Wal-Mart for groceries even though we offered to pick them up for him, AND forgot his mask and went in the pharmacy the other day rather than being patient and going through the drive-thru.  He says he's being careful, but his recount of his actions say otherwise.

If visiting FIL was stressful and anxiety-inducing before the pandemic (Shaun's pretty much the black sheep of the family), then doing it now is like, I don't even have the words.  We both come home with stress headaches from trying to stay vigilant about what is safe.  FIL doesn't make it easy.  He wants us to "try this watermelon" (we'd have to take off our masks) or "come look at this map" (getting closer to him than 6 feet away) and of course, we hug him goodbye.

I am torn between feeling selfish for not wanting us to catch COVID from him and how to be good to him and respect his wishes in what, I'm guessing he in a roundabout sort of way is trying to tell us are his last days?  I don't even know.  How long can a person live in his condition?  If it's so bad, why did he refuse to let us get him groceries so that he doesn't have to do the work or expose himself to COVID?  Why won't he let one or both of us stay out there just in case?  We offered and would have been glad to do it.  I just don't understand what is happening, but I know that Shaun and I can't do this for long.  Our mental health isn't going to allow it.

My antidepressants are failing me and this extra stress has just about put me down.  I slept for 19 of the past 24 hours.  I am not ok and I am so grateful that I have an appointment with the doctor soon.  I'm already thinking about dropping my Spanish class because I don't see how I'm going to be able to keep up with 2 classes when my full-time job seems to be depression sleeping.  I just really need help.  I don't know what to do.