Once again, not a public post. And it's a doozy.

Once again, not a public post.  And it's a doozy.  As always, if you can see this your discretion is appreciated.

Yesterday was bad.  It started out great; I woke up early, had energy, and wanted to get some things done around the house.  Then I learned that we were visiting Shaun's dad (FIL).  I tried to make the best of it... since we were going out I thought we could take our recycling, donate some things to the thrift store, and drop some things off at my mom's house (we haven't seen her or my brother since March).  I mean, we did the things, but it was really NOT a good time.

Shaun and I have been extremely cautious since March.  We've made the exception to visit his dad because he is not doing well and might die soon (sorry for the bluntness, but I don't have the energy for pretty words today).  We prefer to see him on his porch, but we've been going inside (us always masked and distanced) when he's not up for coming out.  However, when we arrived yesterday there were two vehicles in the yard.  I was like "There is no way in hell I'm going in there with other people inside."  Shaun was in agreement.  So we sat in the car for a bit, and then on the porch.  His dad did come to the door and invite us in, but Shaun told him that it was ok and we would wait.  So we did.

After a while, FILs BIL comes out carrying a bag of trash and mumbling something to us about needing to clean the bathroom.  Then a bit later FILs sister and another relative come out and say "You coulda come in.  We ain't poison." Then they tell us that he needs a Swiffer (Shaun bought him one earlier this year) and that we need to be taking his blood pressure and all that, as well as coming over more often.  Then they tell us they are tired because they had been going to yard sales all morning.  Did I mention that none of these 3 people were masked?

First of all:  We're visiting as much as we can.  We call daily but if FIL feels too bad to have us over, we do not go.  He is an adult and can say what he wants.  We live a little over 30 minutes away and it's not like it's a convenient little pop-in to go out there.  Secondly, we're not nurses and have no intention of inserting ourselves into his medical care like that.  If he needs medical monitoring his insurance can cover home health for him.  And as for cleaning Shaun is happy to do whatever his dad asks him to do (in fact, he fixed the ice maker, refilled FILs hummingbird feeder, and trimmed FILs hair and eyebrows just recently), but we don't assume that he wants us to do anything he doesn't ask us to do.  By the way, none of this was said; Shaun just shrugged them off, but it all really got to me.  I am not a typical southern "woman" and I don't feel at all comfortable with the typical care-taking role that I'm sure is expected of me.

By this point my anxiety is wayyy up.  I don't like confrontations because in my family history there is usually violence when people disagree.  At the very least, yelling, and on the more serious side, there are physical altercations and weapons make an appearance.  Now I know that Shaun's relatives are old as shit and super Christian and don't seem THAT redneck, but tell that to the part of me that's in control of my emotions.  I was ready to go home and crawl into bed before even seeing FIL.

So people left and we finally went in.  FIL looked a bit better than the last time we saw him.  He'd been complaining a lot recently about his pain meds constipating him.  He then told us how he drank a whole bottle of laxative on Friday and then "Shit all the way from the kitchen to the bathroom."  The man never curses, so that was... something.  Apparently, he was cleaning up yesterday (Saturday) and got winded and called the relatives over.  I don't know if they were cleaning up poop from Friday or just cleaning in general, but there was no mess when we got there (not even in the bathroom where FILs BIL told us to clean), thank goodness.  Anyway.  The visit went ok.  Like I said FIL looked better and was able to stay awake and talk for a while.

Then it was time to stop by my moms house.  Like I said I haven't seen her or my brother since March.  I texted her and asked that we visit outside and wear masks and keep 6 feet of distance.  It was not a problem.  But do you ever just feel... talked AT, not talked TO?  I can't say that this would be new behavior from either of them, but damn if it wasn't disappointing - especially after such a long time of not seeing them.  I know that I post a lot about my life on here, but neither of them asked me how my class was going or told me they were excited / proud / happy that I would be graduating soon.  No one asked about the kids or how work was going for Shaun.  There was no interest shown in our lives whatsoever.

My brother immediately wanted to show me the plants he has (which I genuinely don't mind).  Mom told me about plans for her trailer.  Cool.  But after that, brother started showing us pictures of fungus on the internet and telling us facts he learned about them.  Meh.  Mom told us about Halloween decorations she wanted to make.  Ok.  Then she started talking about COVID and how if she feels like she's getting sick she'll just go stand in her hot greenhouse so it'll kill the virus.  I think that was the point I looked over at Shaun with dead eyes like "Why am I here?"  And the ending note of our "conversation" was them saying that they were ready for the civil war and that if anyone came on their land they would protect it and blah blah blah.

I hate to say it, but that visit made me realize that I probably don't want to do that again.  I feel like such a dick.  Obviously I love my mom and brother, but I have so little in common with them anymore.  We've been slowly but steadily growing apart and I don't even know if they notice it, but I sure do.  It makes my heart hurt.

Needless to say I laid in bed today until Shaun came to check on me.  And then I laid there some more.  I didn't get up until after 1 pm, which hasn't happened in a while.  Today I have felt dead inside and short on patience and down.  Straight up sad if I'm telling the truth.  So I need to do a good bit of self-care over the next few days and try to get right because I was doing so well.  Everything about yesterday just drained my battery.  Anyway, that's what is going on with me right now.  I hope you all are doing ok.