If you find yourself in a relationship that brings out the worst version of you, leave it.
I'm feeling reflective. After all of the nostalgia from the past few weeks I have felt like I wanted to write something but I haven't been sure what. I'm honestly still not but I thought that (much like my approach to college) I would just start, do my best, and see where it goes. So here I am again.
I guess we all probably have a past romantic relationship that we consider to be our worst. I absolutely do and it's probably not the one you would think. It's not the guy who pressured me into sex and then dumped me after I got a piercing he didn't approve of. It's not the 20-year-old man who knocked up my 16-year-old self, cheated on me (yeah, I know about it), and then peaced the fuck out never to help and rarely to be heard from again. It was actually probably the most "normal" looking relationship I had (before my wonderful husbang, obvi) and looking back it was awful. The funny thing is that I didn't even realize it was awful until someone came along and pointed it out. I guess that's what makes mental / emotional abuse so hard to spot.
I don't care to get into a ton of detail because I've taken my lessons learned and moved forward, not back, but when one person is never happy with their situation, but refuses to put in work to change it - that is a problem because they will never be happy. When there is potential to build and grow but one person can't or won't commit to building or growing with you - that is a problem because that is wasted time and energy; you will literally get nowhere with this person no matter how much time or energy you invest. These things (plus tons more; I'm not up for trying to make an exhaustive list) can happen due to being incompatible which is not really the fault of anyone; that just happens sometimes and the sooner you see it the better.
When there is a double-standard in the relationship (I can do a thing but you can't) - that is a problem, period. When someone dangles carrots of affection over your head like a donkey to get their way - that is a problem because when you love and care for a person you show affection to them whether they went to lunch without you one time or not, for example. (And yes, that happened. 😂😂😂) When your partner publicly insults you and not in a jovial, friendly way that you are ok with - that is a problem (even if you don't notice it, it's a problem and hopefully someone will point it out to you). When you are made to feel like a terrible partner to the point that you are crossing your own boundaries to keep someone happy - that is a problem. When you start questioning yourself and things you know to be true due to gaslighting - that is a HUGE problem because who can you rely on if not yourself?
Those things are abusive. In the moment it might not feel like it and due to that they often they go unnoticed so I'm telling y'all: If any of this hits too close to home you are not in a healthy relationship. I was in one like this for more years than I care to admit and it made me so ugly on the inside. I was anxious and stressed. I was jealous, but I'm pretty sure he liked that. I was hateful to a couple of women when my anger should have been directed at my partner. I have since apologized to those women and some days I feel like I should apologize again. I don't know what else to say except that I wasn't myself because I was being torn down. It wasn't who I wanted to be and it sure as hell is not who I am now.
I'm going on 13 years with my favorite person - my husbang. Being truly loved is so healing and I had a lot of healing to do. I don't think I've ever been better emotionally than I have since I've been with him. I have had some mental health issues which are not the same and are the fault of no one; nevertheless, he's been there for me through those, too, and I'm better for having had his help and support. I really think I'm the best version of myself that I've ever been and I am grateful. Onward and upward, my friends. Don't let anyone or anything hold you back. ❤
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