This is kind of a big deal...

So today among other days (such as giving birth to Shadow, graduating college, paying off my first car and buying drums) was quite a big one for me. I closed on the house I wanted, received the keys, and am (as of about 2:00 p.m. today) officially a homeowner. I even got to keep the pen I used to sign my name a gazillion times (and yes, I counted). So yeah - I know I rock. 😁😁😁

Now who wants to help me move?

A few weird things about me, eh?

That shouldn't be too hard to come up with. So let's see...

1. I always attempt to match my underwear to whatever else I may be wearing.
2. I love to sneeze. (Can we say orgasm of the face?)
3. I have to sit on a pillow to drive.
4. I collect writing utensils (pens, pencils, anything like that). So yes, Jennifer, you made my day when you gave me that pen this afternoon.
5. I've never acted on this, but I get the urge to hold dead things. Also, along the same lines I have a vase of dead flowers on my desk at work - they're still pretty to me.
6. I do NOT like to touch some kinds of metal - like mailbox keys or coins. Also, a spoon is too much for me if it isn't plastic. (And yes - yes I will eat soup and ice cream with a fork... the only thing it is necessary for me to have a spoon for is cereal).

Yesterday, this is what we did...

We went to see the animals, of course! Here are some pics. 😀

This was about the only time that this kitty was still... other than that it was pacing around and pouncing at the lemurs next door... 😧

One of these is the lemur that kept antagonizing the kitty... 😕

This is one sexy cat. I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened had it gotten out of its cage. 😲

And this... well this was the highlight of the day. 😁

Ahhh, good times. 😃

And the big news is...

I'm leaving my bachelorette pad. Yes, I put in my notice today - I now have 30 days to get the hell out. It's kind of a big scary deal, but all in all I think it will be worth it.

THE END

Yeah, it's not really the end. Rather, it's more like a big, ginormous beginning. The reason I'm moving is because I'm buying a house. A house of my own. 😁😁😁 I will fucking own it and it will be mine. Ok, well maybe that was not such a fair statement... it's going to be OURS - mine and Shadows. It is our home, picked out by us - and a perfect fit if I do say so myself. It is in Saks and it is great. 😀

It's kind of an older house, but it's brick and it's been completely re-modeled on the inside. Central heating and air, fluorescent lighting throughout, ceiling fans in all the rooms, a two car garage, a storage building, comes with all the appliances (including an oven on top of an oven - can we say two pizzas at once!!!), and pecan trees in the yard. It's three bedroom, one bath - but the bathroom has a hair dryer built into the damn wall! 😀 Can you believe that?!?! It's madness... (in a good way). Aside from the bedrooms and the living room there is one giant room that we plan to make into a game room or something... put the television and maybe the game systems and definitely the drums in there.

About the bedrooms... my room has two closets, and the doors are made of mirrors, and the space between the closets is kind of like a desk with a lid, and when you open it up, there's a mirror on the inside of the lid and a place to put stuff (make-up and such, perhaps?). It's so cool. And Shadow's room is pretty awesome-looking... the walls are made of some really reddish wood and Shadow seems to like it. It's got a bookcase built into the wall and the closet doors in there are mirrors, also. And finally, Nick's room has a little bench-type thing in the closet (for hanging out, of course), and no mirrors for doors (he didn't seem fond of having big mirrors in there so that worked out nicely).

Anyhoo, that's what's been going on with me lately. I've been so wrapped up in everything - trying to feel things out (seeing as how I've never done this before) that other than work I haven't had much of a life. And it looks like when everything gets completely finalized I won't have too much spare time because I'll be moving and settling in. That's cool, though... I'm really looking forward to it. Now that's...

THE END. 😁😊

News?? ;)

So, guess what I just found out. According to the LPA (Little People of America) I am a little person. Wow. I find that pretty easy to believe, actually. If you are 4'10 or shorter... that's all it takes. (I'm 4'8 and 3/4, for those who are curious).

Also, I've grown a few gray hairs recently, (YAY!!!), and I'm just fine with that. I like it, even. 😀

And finally, I have some BIGGER-er news that I hope to share with you all soon, but I'm not letting the cat out of the beans until things are more... certain.

Yeah, that last statement probably made you all hate me. Sorry - all in due time. LOVE!!! ❤

I want to heal; I want to feel...(not a lyrics post)

So this is the one that probably a few of you have been expecting and I have been dreading (to write). But, writing is my outlet so maybe this will be good for me. Here goes...

Have you ever thought that you were in love? Been so mesmerized by this one person that you would've done anything to be by his side? Felt so honored to even have his attention that it made you high? Have you ever trusted that person so much that despite what everyone else could plainly see you stuck by him anyway? Have you ever put so much faith in one person that despite all odds you knew they were going to do the right thing?

I have.

And I was tossed to the side like insignificant trash.

Here's the rest of the story now. When I was 16 (during the summer before my sophomore year in high school) I met a guy. I thought I had fallen hard for this guy... this guy who was 20. At that age I was completely stoked that a MAN - a grown fucking man - was showing interest in me. I'm sure most of you can remember what it's like being 16. It blew my mind that he even acknowledged me - much less showed me attention. Anyway, he was sexy as hell, he was kind, he was charming, he was talented (he sang and danced in talent shows before he graduated). He was, indeed, everything I thought I wanted.

Needless to say we ended up together; but that was not an easy task. He was a black man and (as some of you know) people don't have much tolerance for mixing races here in the South. My family was no exception. As you'd probably expect - that caused a lot of problems between me and my family; they didn't want their daughter fucking no "ni**er." Well, that didn't stop me. I was in love, remember? Things would be ok; true love conquers all, right? ... Of course it does.

Things progressed, we were together, and naturally I felt closer to him. That's what happens when you're with someone. I also started sleeping with him. A lot. Hey - I was 16 and my hormones were in control. That's no excuse, but that's what happened. All this time that we were together things were happening. Not bad things, necessarily. Just things that should have caught my attention.

Like he'd leave for days and I wouldn't hear from or see him at all... I just thought that since he was grown he had some important adult stuff going on and left it at that. If I did ask questions he was usually gone visiting family or something - so whatever. I trusted him. Deeply, mind you - so I didn't really care what he was up to because I KNEW he wasn't doing anything he shouldn't have been. Also, he would come to see me and be sick... REALLY sick - just of out the blue and I wouldn't know what was going on and I'd be all worried about him...

Well, let's get to the part where I find out I'm pregnant. Yes, I am 16 and pregnant with a little "ni**er baby" as so many people in my hometown liked to remind me. I am also scared because all of my family practically hates me, and I'm in high school, and I have no income, and I don't know about babies, and I have nowhere else to go, and I'm overwhelmed because WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO NOW?!?!?! Those were my initial thoughts... After that wore off, I accepted it; became happy and excited about it, even. I was going to be a mom. I was having a baby! And the father of this child was going to be there for me. He said it. He PROMISED me that. And I totally believed him.

After the initial shock wore off of my mother - not to mention a lot of yelling (btw, my mom is who I was living with at the time) she told me that as long as I'd finish high school I could stay there and she'd help me however she could. Wow, what a relief. I've got my mom backing me as well as the father of my child... things might be ok. Well, my man had family elsewhere and he asked me if it would be fine if he goes of out state for two weeks to visit them... you know - before he comes back here to settle down and take care of us. Of course I didn't mind. Yes, I believed he'd come back. "Go and have fun, be sure to tell them the news... I'll see you in two weeks."

Well damn if I didn't give him the easiest out possible. I didn't see or hear from him for the whole two weeks... not too strange. Two weeks turned into months... all the while, this little miracle growing in my belly, and my excitement growing, too. But my faith... my faith in him was being tested. I was a little over two months along... where the hell was he? No phone calls or letters were returned. No family members knew exactly where he was. Still, I held on. He was coming back.

Despite all of the sleepless nights wondering, worrying about the father of my child, all of the crying from sheer frustration, all of the sickness that comes with being pregnant... those were somehow happy days for me. I was going to be a mother. I had proof of this; the first time I felt my belly jerk with life of its own I cried. I cried because I was so happy; I was ecstatic. There was something IN me, and it was moving. I heard it's heart beat and it was alive. It was mine to take care of and protect... My life had more meaning than it ever had before... I honestly think that's when I became more determined than ever to take care of this little stranger inside me - no matter what.

Soon the summer was over and school started back. People talk and eventually everyone knew pieces of my business... that didn't help things. But I handled situations and questions with as much grace as I could muster and went about life. I got my usual good grades in school; and even managed to stay in band. This became my normal. And then one day, he showed up.

It was early October, I think. I was about 5 months along. I can't even begin to describe how I felt. I was angry, I was overjoyed, I was frustrated... I was a lot of things. He was around for maybe a few days before giving me this line about helping his mother move... but he was coming back. I wanted so desperately to believe him that I just did. I shouldn't have, though. I shouldn't have believed a damn word that ever came out of his mouth. It was shortly after he left the second time that I had proof - more proof than I ever, ever wanted - that he'd been lying to me. He'd been cheating on me the whole time.

So the months roll by... November, December, January, February... I spent my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Valentines Day all without hearing from him. Keep in mind that he doesn't know that I know what he'd been up to at this point, and he said he was coming right back. So time went by without so much as even a phone call from him. Except this time he had a good reason. He was in jail (which I didn't find out until early March after he was out). Let's just say it was drug-related, which later I found out had everything to do with him constantly being sick.

During this time I'd gotten quite big. The sickness had stopped; so had the complete and utter exhaustion that comes early in pregnancy. And my belly had taken a personality of its own. It moved, it wiggled, it responded to familiar voices, it jerked violently at the sound of sudden noises. The little creature inside me would stretch out and it would hurt me. But it was awesome and I loved every minute of it. Mentally I'd taken the attitude that I did not need this man - the one I'd thought so highly of for so long. I'd given him more opportunities to prove himself and make things right than anyone ever deserved. I'd let myself be vulnerable to him for the last time. I was done. From then on it was about me and my child.

And then - as if he thought he had a place in my life somehow - the man I thought I loved called. It was shortly before my due date and he was out of jail. He asked if I'd had the baby - to which I responded no - and then he asked if I would let him be there when I did. I told him yes. And he was.

Labor went surprisingly easy and when the nurses handed me my beautiful creation all I could do was cry and say "my baby." It was so nice to finally meet him. March 15th of 2000 was the happiest day of my life.

A few weeks after that the father came to me and said that he didn't feel like I cared for him anymore. I told him that I'd appreciated what he'd given me, but there was nothing in me left for him beyond that. He knew he'd fucked up. He cried, he begged, and he laid in the floor and puked. Then he left again. 

Well, that's about the end of the whole thing... me and my son have seen him once in six years... Shadow seemed fond of him that day; he was 3 though - so anyone who would play with him was good in his eyes. He calls once a year on his birthday - not much more often than that, if at all. I worry about the emotional scars this might leave my son. To this day he asks why his father doesn't want to see him... to that I just reply that he lives far away. (He's not in the state). My son will catch on sooner or later and then I don't know what I will do...

In any case I hope the emotional damage dealt him is not as significant as what I've carried all of this time... What's so bad is that it's only been maybe the last year or two that I've realized I am damaged. I have someone in my life who I know (because he's proven himself) would never hurt me or disregard my feelings that way and I can't give him all that he deserves. I know this and I hate it. I hope one day that I can, though, be the person he deserves. Truly, I am working on it. Like I said: I want to heal; I want to feel, like I'm close to something real...

Like a cow in a bull shop.

Since this one may be a little lengthy I'll break it up into sections. ('Cause I'm nice like that).

Sugar Babies - part I
For anyone who's curious the little darlings are getting along fairly well. Yorda did not look at all happy to have the screeching little Ico anywhere near her, especially not stuck in the same cage with her. (FYI, they make a severely strange sound when they are not happy). They were both very standoff-ish when first introduced... he did not want to come out of his pouch and she didn't want to go near it. So we ended up dumping them both out. (Hey, they had to meet somehow - right?) Anyhoo, Ico huddled up in the bottom of the cage (obviously uncomfortable in his new surroundings), and Yorda ran up the side of the cage and got behind him... and then on him. And there she stayed for a good few hours grooming him, sniffing him, crawling all over him, not letting him get out of her reach for even a second (and believe me, he tried)... She seems a bit clingy, but she's been alone since we've had her... they're pretty social creatures and I had a feeling she was getting lonely. I couldn't handle that - I felt really bad for her. *sigh* Anyway, when I woke up the next morning they were cuddled up asleep in the same pouch looking extremely cute... and that is that.

Sugar Babies - part II
Ico is doing ok... not doing as well adjusting as I would have expected him to, but Yorda could be stressing him out. I dunno. He's very moody and not so much tame, although in the pet store he was the friendliest li'l fella in there. And he's very vocal about his feelings... by that I mean we get to hear his weird sound pretty often. You don't even have to be near him for him to start. He doesn't want to be held and he'll actually lunge at you and try to bite when you attempt to pick him up. I honestly think he's stressed and not handling the change from pet store to home very well. He's a good bit younger than Yorda was when we got her so that may be a factor. But I'm gonna be patient with the little guy... I think things will turn out fine.

On another note we've been wearing them out in the pouch pretty frequently and Yorda's sneaky little ass got out in the car the other day. Nick got peed on and bitten or scratched or something, but things could have been a lot worse considering that we had the windows down. I'm very thankful that she didn't jump out. Also, I'm not sure which one of them did it, but Nick has the cutest little paw-shaped scratch on his arm. You can see where all of the tiny claws dug in and pulled. I think it's adorable, but Nick doesn't seem too happy about it. I should take a picture of that. I think I will.

Lily
This is pretty sad. No, she's not dead, but she did get hurt. I was putting something new in her cage the other day and she got out. She hasn't had her wings clipped in a long time and she's not at all tame so she flew around the house smashing into stuff for a while before finally landing beak-first on the hard kitchen floor. It bled a little and we were all very concerned, but I think she's gonna be just fine. I talked to one of the awesome ladies at Critters and she said she the same thing. I'm just keeping a close eye on her to make sure that she acts normal... well - normal for Lily. (That bird is crazy, I swear). But she's been eating and grooming herself and even playing a little so that's a good thing.

And finally...
THE END