I feel weird.

I feel weird.

Since yesterday, I have done a few things:

1)  Applied for graduation from Gadsden State

2)  Set up my JSU Blackboard

3)  Accessed "myJSU" and my student email

It all feels so premature since graduation is still 7 months away and actually attending JSU is even farther out, but as busy as I'm staying I'm sure the time will pass before I know it.

Honestly, my mind is blown.  I never actually pictured myself going to REAL college, so graduating from GSCC is like "Whoa.  😳"  Going to JSU still feels unreal.  Unfortunately, I kind of thought that graduating from Gadsden Business College was going to be the height of my achievement, but I guess not!

I gotta tell y'all, mental blocks and some weird kind of identity crisis have been the biggest challenges I've faced since starting school.  I don't believe in fate, but truly I still haven't totally shaken the ideas that "This isn't meant for me." and "My life will never be easier."  I don't know why or how to fix that.

It probably doesn't help that I'm in the thick of it right now and have a few more years of hard work ahead of me, but I keep pushing through because I'm constantly being confronted by the things I desperately want to change about my life.  And to be perfectly frank, curiosity is driving me as well.  I just want to see what happens when I'm done.

It's hard to even explain, but I guess growing up kind of poor and then having Shadow at 17 I felt that my fate to live in poverty was sealed.  And for most of these years it was.  There were a few years (maybe 2 or 3) where I made enough money that I wasn't eligible for food stamps, but that's the best I've ever done.

I've still never even made $20,000 in a single year and I don't get child support or welfare, but somehow we've managed to scrape by.  I mean - I felt like I'd conquered the world when I bought my house (with a mortgage, obviously) at 24 years old.  I really thought I topped out right there - at the point in life where I was going to struggle to make a mortgage payment for the next 30 years.

I don't know.  I wish I could find all the words I need to express how strange this all is to me.  Slowly but surely I'm starting to see myself having an actual career and not living paycheck to paycheck.  It's bizarre to feel that maybe I CAN have an active role in how my future turns out.  It still feels scary to think that one day I might be a "success" financially.  (To me, that would be paying off my house and being able to afford a car that doesn't break and having enough money left to help some animals.  LOL)

I know I've dropped off the map to a lot of my friends and I apologize for that.  I know I've stopped helping animals and friends alike and I apologize for that, as well.  I really appreciate all of you who have understood my struggle and who have stuck by me through this and most of all, any of you who have encouraged me along the way.  Many days I still feel like a secure future is just a dream, but some days - like today - I can see how much closer I am to making it come true.  It honestly. blows. my mind.  😳

I just got home from a field trip to JSU.

I just got home from a field trip to JSU.

Wow.

First of all - it's wayyy larger than I even knew.  😳  But that's ok because from what I'm told all or at least most of my classes will be in one building.  And now I know where that building is.  😃

Secondly, the perks.  I knew that students got in free to home games, but I didn't know they had a gym and a pool that was free for students to use.  I don't feel it's likely I would do any of that, but it's really nice to have the option.  😜

Third, there is food everywhere.  LOL  At least I know that I'm not likely to starve while attending classes there.

Overall, I feel a lot better about transferring.  It doesn't seem THAT overwhelming anymore.  I'm sure it will take me some time to settle in and get used to things, but that will be next year, so I'm not going to stress about it right now.

It was a great day for a campus visit.  The weather was beautiful and I definitely got my exercise in.  Also, I can never complain about free food from the cafeteria.  😃

I'm beyond exhausted. I think the methotrexate is getting to me.

I'm beyond exhausted. I think the methotrexate is getting to me. My skin and bones are slowly but surely chilling out. In exchange I get fatigue, and nausea that wakes me up at 5 am. Woo.

In more upbeat news I talked to Ms. Wheeler today and feel pretty confident that I'm going to major in math. I was scared about some things, but she assured me that I could do it. I know that I'm getting close to halfway done with college, but I still doubt myself a lot. 😕

In other good news:  Shadow will have the Herbst appliance removed from his braces in December. Then hopefully by June or July he will go ahead and be able to have his braces removed entirely. I know he can't wait. I'm super excited to see how he'll look without them.

Anyway. I can't believe it's only Tuesday. I hope you all are doing better than I am. I need another weekend!

Been running ALL day. So tired.

Been running ALL day. So tired. I'm parked on the couch and not moving until I get up the energy to shower. Then I am going to shower and go to bed. LOL

I made an 82 on the re-take of that Cal test I bombed. So that's a lot better than a 66. I can still try it one more time, but I don't know if I want to, honestly.

On the new test that I felt so great about - I made an 80. 😕 I was pretty bummed out about that, but it's ok. Even if I don't re-take any other tests my average in the class is a 93. I'll be happy as long as it's an A. 😁 The higher the better, of course, but I could live with this.

I hope you all had a nice Halloween. I'm not so big into holidays, but I did wear my "electrocuted dog" shirt, as my mom calls it. Frankenweenie, y'all. I'm sort-of participating. 😜

I registered for two of my classes.

I registered for two of my classes.  I got Physics and Cal II.  CIS 201 is pending instructor approval, whatever that means.  I will ask about that today.  Yeah, I know that MIGHT be class over-load.  Worst-case scenario - I drop one.  Best case - I ace them all.  I see no harm in trying!

I am almost 100% sure that I'm going to major in Mathematics and Minor in Computer Science at this point.  Majoring in Mathematics opens up a LOT of different doors (engineering, business [yuck], teaching, and even tech fields).  I have a meeting with Ms. Wheeler tomorrow (who has a PhD in Mathematics) to discuss it further.  I'm pretty excited.

Anyway.  Doesn't feel like we're getting much of a Halloween this year.  We didn't do anything over the weekend.  Shadow didn't ask to go Trick-or-Treating.  I was happy to sit in my house as much as I could.  LOL  Maybe spooky dinner at mom's tonight will make it right.  😃

For my own peace of mind...

For my own peace of mind I just ordered a surveillance camera.  It will be here and installed on Monday.

I'm super excited.  I worry about things when I am not home anyway, so I think this will help me to calm down.

It will send images and videos wirelessly to my phone and I will able to adjust the camera to see what's going on from where ever I am.

Have I ever mentioned how much I freaking LOVE technology?!  Because I do!  ❤❤❤

Current Mood: Trying to keep myself from spiraling downward.

Current Mood:  Trying to keep myself from spiraling downward.

Yesterday morning one of our parakeets suddenly didn't look so great.  He seemed fine the day before, but yesterday morning he was puffy and tired-looking when we got up.  He was dead within the hour.  I don't know what happened.  Rest in Peace, Sapphire. 🙁

Then that thing with the fence happened.  There is some damage to be dealt with, but it could have been much worse.  Shaun stood it back up last night.  Thankfully, Faith and Nappy don't seem to look for places to get out of the fence, so that's a relief.  I don't feel like I have to worry about them too much before it's repaired properly this weekend.

This morning as I was feeding Koopa I decided to look for Peach.  Sometimes those little horned lizards bury themselves for days, so I wasn't immediately concerned that I hadn't seen her in a day or two.  Well, I carefully dug and dug in all of the places where they usually hide and I didn't find her.  I moved the water dish... and she was there.  Dead.  I don't know if she burrowed under and couldn't get out, or if she was sick and hid away to die.  She also seemed to be doing fine previous to this.  Rest in Peace, little lizard.  I will miss you.  🙁

So my stomach is upset and I don't feel so great.  Could be my meds.  Or it could be stress.  But I'm trying to get myself together and get to work because missing out on money isn't going to help anything at all.

Wish me luck.  I'm really glad it's the weekend.  😕