We sent Balthazar off...

Woke up to diarrhea on my bed...

Woke up to diarrhea on my bed. (I don't care. I know how to clean.) But my poor baby. He's losing control.

Look at my handsome old man. I'm sad, but I'm making the call. We'll see when the vet can get him in.

Edited:  3:30 today. 💔

Taimi sent me this beautiful canvas of our boy.

Taimi sent me this beautiful canvas of our boy. I'm gonna find somewhere special to put him up.

❤️❤️❤️

Day 2 of ugly crying.

Day 2 of ugly crying.

I guess I'm gonna feel my feelings today.

Who DOESN'T love having sandpaper eyes? 🙄

I'm having a hard day.

I'm having a hard day. I know I don't talk about him anymore, but I'm still mourning the loss of Oreo. I just carry this deep sadness in my heart. It's heavy.

I finally got around to mailing some of his remains to his Aunt Taimi. Maybe that's the reason I'm struggling today. It's like the last thing I can do for him - send him to rest at the last place he was happy. The only place he ever gained ground. The only place he ever played.

I've got a paw print and a lock of his fur. I don't need anything else. It's just hard. I've been avoiding my grief instead of processing it. There are things about him that I miss, like the goofy way he held his ears out and trotted back to me after he realized we were friends. That was my favorite shit. ❤️

It's an odd situation, though. He was only in my home for a few days before he left us. I barely had a chance to get used to him being here before he was gone. I feel like that makes it easy for me to push it to the side, like a dream. There aren't reminders of him everywhere like if he'd been here for months or years.

In this regard, I feel like I got off easier than Taimi. I left him in the most capable hands I knew. I was optimistic. He made progress. She nurtured him and cared for him and shared her space. Then like a hopeful idiot, I took him and wanted to get him well and if I got slapped in the face by his outcome, then I know it was a beat down for her.

And yet. Here I am a blubbering mess over a pup who's BEEN gone. On days like this I don't know what to do with myself, but it's a relief to cry. I should do it more often.  It's just tricky to mourn with so few reminders.

Do any of you ever think about him anymore?

Our sweet boy didn't make it, y'all. 😭😭😭

Our sweet boy didn't make it, y'all. 😭😭😭

He was full of growths (could have been cancer or a fungal infection). Like, it was bad. He had a mass at the blood supply to his intestines. His lymph nodes were affected. There were lots of adhesions. At least 18 inches of his small intestine were thickened to 4x what it should have been. The surgeon said there was no way to remove it all. She's surprised he was even eating at all.

I take solace in our cuddles last night. He seemed to feel pretty good, considering. No nausea or vomiting. I'm glad it ended on a better note. It could have been worse.

I am pretty devastated. He was such a tough and good and sweet boy. I don't really know what to do with myself. My heart feels shattered - like I'd had him for years. I am so glad I kissed his kissy spot one last time before we left him. 💔💔💔

Shaun picked up Sindar's cremains today.

Shaun picked up Sindar's cremains today. We don't normally cremate our pets, but she was his eldest and I don't think he was ready to let her go. She came back in a beautiful box and with this keychain of her fur. We both had a little cry. She is missed, but I feel such relief not hearing her meowing for reasons we never quite figured out. I am grateful for her peace.

We said goodbye to our sweet old Sindar today.

We said goodbye to our sweet old Sindar today.

I know I posted the other day that this day was coming, but it was very strange not having the urgency that we normally do to make the decision and have it done.  Shaun spent the last 2 days upstairs with Sin - napping with her, petting her, loving her, giving her all of the great food and treats and milk that she loves.  I was up and down, but mostly wanted to give them their privacy.  I think Shaun was pretty exhausted because last night once he was asleep he was out.  So I was up with Sin off and on all night when she cried.

We're both sad, of course, and we will miss her a ton, but we were both happy that she was growling after having her little arm shaved.  She was pissed and made sure to let us know.  She never was one to put up with being disrespected or even petted wrong.  😆  We like that she was still herself up to the end, even fighting to stay awake against the anesthesia.  And when the time finally came it actually took 2 of the pink shots to make her let go.

I don't take that as a sign that she wasn't ready; rather, I take that as a sign that we did not let her suffer - at least not beyond the point that life was no longer worth living.  I have learned from years in rescue and experience with my own animals that there are far worse fates than death, and Shaun and I will always protect our babies from those things as best we can.

Over the last few months it felt like Sindar was on a slow, steady decline.  She seemed frustrated and disoriented often and with being blind she was having more and more trouble finding her way around.  She had been throwing up a bit lately, and just last night Shaun said it looked like she was getting diarrhea.  Her paws were swelling and her joints were super stiff.  Sometimes her legs looked like they weren't cooperating with her, and it took her minutes to lay down and find an acceptable way to rest, even being medicated with pain meds.  With her being 18-ish years old we feel that we got lucky she was so healthy for most of her life and I'm grateful that we had time to spoil her before letting her go.

It still fucking sucks, though.  It never seems to get easier to let them go and we've been through this A LOT over the years.  I know this one will hit Shaun hard.  He had Sindar back before we got together so it's like he just lost his oldest friend.  He loved how loud she purred and how feisty she was.  We both adored the way she'd shake her front paw when she first started to drink anything.  We loved her big, pretty eyes, and how she would get a "furrowed brow" look because of the way the hair on the top of her head laid sometimes.

I remember the first time I went to Shaun's apartment and I got to meet her.  He seemed excited to have met someone who wanted to know his cat.  We spent some time playing in the floor with her with her toys.  She played rough and I mostly left it to him, but I could see their relationship and I loved it.  I knew then that she wasn't "just a pet" to him and it was amazing because that's how I operate, too.  But the end is always on the way and today it caught up to us yet again.  💔

I'm super sad to announce the passing of Shaun's kitty, Bastian.

I'm super sad to announce the passing of Shaun's kitty, Bastian.

Bastian was a stray that ended up at Shaun's house many years ago. Of course, my sweet husbang took him in. In Bastian's eyes, Shaun could do no wrong. Bastian always wanted to be held - but only by Shaun; he would come and stand on his back feet and stretch up tall to ask to be held. It was so precious to watch.

Shaun held him until he passed. I got a video call of a stunned faced-Shaun, still holding Bastian like a baby. He broke down crying while trying to let me know what had happened. He thinks it was a stroke of some sort or acute kidney failure or something. I will spare you all the details.

I'm really sad. Bastian has been a part of my life for as long as he was part of Shaun's - though he made it clear who he preferred. The bond between those two was special and wonderful to see. My heart breaks at the loss of our boy and also for Shaun; I'm stuck here in Cincinnati and am not home to comfort him. Neither of us saw this coming and there was no way for me to be there. I feel lost and sad, and I'd really like to go home.

It's a sad day.

For the first time in 14 years I am dogless. 😭😭😭

For the first time in 14 years I am dogless. 😭😭😭

Booka had a rough night and things only got worse throughout the day. We took him to the vet this evening, but they offered painkillers as palliative care. I didn't want to see my boy suffer, and I certainly didn't want things to go down like they did with Faith, so we made the tough decision to let him go.

He was 18. He had cataracts and could barely see. He had lumps growing on him. Over the last year, he's had a few UTIs which made the vet raise concerns about kidney failure. He was having a hard time using the stairs (of course we helped him). He'd had at least one seizure, possibly 2. We felt that his quality of life was on thin ice as it was.

I am sad. So, so, freaking sad. I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight without him snoring. I don't know what I'm going to do without my little bad boy. But what I am not is regretful. We have honestly spoiled the hell out of him, little last man standing, since Faith died. Snuggles all the time, never left alone, blankets to roll in, treats on demand... After a few nights of me getting out of bed for midnight snacks for myself, he decided he could get up and ask for something good, too. 😂😂😂 And I indulged him - because why not?

Shaun and I were with him when he passed. We took a blanket for him, as well as bacon treats. We both petted him and loved on him. I literally spooned him to death. I hate that this happened today. I was not ready. But I am more at peace with this decision than I will ever be over leaving Faith that day.

It's the end of an era for me. Here's to the best pack I've ever had. ❤️

Scooter

Emma

Booka

Nappy

Faith

Lowrider

I didn't make it out of bed yesterday until 6...

I didn't make it out of bed yesterday until 6.  Six *PM.*  The last couple of days have taken their toll on me.

Faith is the early-riser in the house.  Was, I mean.  ... 🥺

Without her me and Booka can apparently sleep all day.  I'm sure I needed the rest, but yeah.  It's been EXCEPTIONALLY quiet and calm here.  Faith was the busy one.  Had to keep the cats in line.  Had to watch Booka eat.  Had to let us know she was out of water.  Had to go outside to pee often because she was on prednisone.  Always on the lookout for something that needed barking about.

I have gone from fostering dogs (having a max of 14 at one time [to my newer friends - check out my "Foster Kids" album if you really want to know me]) to giving my six amazing, aging forever dogs a break and some well-deserved "us" time, to my one little Booka Bear being the last man standing.  I know that Cubba and Rose live here, but they aren't "my" dogs.  Cubba was meant to be Kira's.  Rose belongs to Cubba.  If I could find either of them a good home they wouldn't be here.  They arrived long after my pack was complete and my heart was full.  I love and care for them, but we're not connected.

I feel guilty because they deserve more, but I can't give it.  I gave so much of myself for so long and I haven't been refilled.  I don't know if setting my focus on school changed me or if the agonizing loss of my pack over the last few years has hindered my capacity to give of myself.  Or it could be the mental breakdowns over the last 5 years and the medications that now hold me together.  I have no idea, but I know I am not the same.

I would still like to volunteer in rescue and foster again one day.  There is nothing like the feeling of helping someone in need; giving freely of yourself, simply CARING.  I've seen animals go from scared and hopeless to enjoying life.  I think that almost anyone can go through the motions (provide food, water, and shelter), but the secret ingredient is connection.  That makes it especially hard to give up an animal to their new forever family, but to me it's necessary for healing.  And I'm unfortunately not sure that I still have the ability to form new connections.  I feel like I've lost a part of myself somewhere along the way.

Forgive me; I'm just over here rambling.  But as I reflect on losing Faith I remember how she came to me - foster failure.  The six best friends of my life came to me during a time that I was open and helpful and connecting to life in a big way - giving and caring and changing lives.  I never searched any of them out and yet the best pack of mismatched mutts I never knew I wanted landed in my home and my heart.  I think I'm scared.  Scared that I'll never have this kind of love again.  Scared that because I'm different right now I don't deserve it.

Pardon me, but what the fuck?

Pardon me, but what the fuck? She didn't make it.

I feel like I didn't think she would die without me or I wouldn't have left her. We are devastated that she died alone.

Deep down I thought she'd be ok with some fluids after getting the anaphylaxis under control. Worst case in my head was that we had to make the tough choice to let her go and we'd be there for her. I honestly didn't think it could be worse... and then suddenly it was.

Life just suckerpunched me.

I... I'm angry. I have so many feelings right now. I don't even know how to process this.

Our sweet parakeet...

Our sweet parakeet, CeeLo Green, passed away today. 😭😭😭

I'm going to tell you about the rest of my day now...

I'm going to tell you about the rest of my day now because I'm in bed and about to put it behind me.

When I was walking Booka this morning I heard the all-too-familiar pop and crackle sound that a limb makes when it's about to fall. Unfortunately, me and Boo were under the tree who made the sound and I didn't have time to see which limb was coming down. In my rush to move us out of the way I accidentally gave him a knee upside his head. That's the last thing I wanted to do especially since he had a seizure only a little over a week ago. But the important thing was that he didn't get hit by the limb - which was actually right above us and sizeable enough to have caused injury had we not moved.

The other notable not-great thing that happened today was right after we put Midna to sleep. Shaun usually holds the animals for that, but I had my sweet Shitty Kitty in my lap on a soft blanket. Once she had passed I had another good cry and a hugged her little body while I did it. I didn't really consider what I already know happens when death comes and I ended up with a smelly liquid down my leg. I'm pretty grateful that I'd left my gym bag in the car over the weekend because I went back into the vet's office and changed my pants before driving home.

The best things about today were these: Shaun stayed home from work to be with me, Dinorah checked on me, and I got a large haul of plant mail. Some of my trading partners were very generous and those packages couldn't have come at a better time.

I feel pretty bad so I'm heading to bed. I didn't get enough sleep last night and had to be up early today. That plus all of the crying I've done has left me with a really rough headache. I'm hoping some rest will do me good. Today kicked me in the teeth, but tomorrow is a new day. I hope you all are doing well. ♥

Sadly, we are down another family member today.

Sadly, we are down another family member today. We had to let our sweet Midna go. She was the first cat Shadow and I had. It was her and the dogs and she so loved them. Her crush was Booka; she loved to lay on him and roll on him and chew his hair. She would fetch and come when you called her name. She was our puppy - cat.

She battled hyperthyroidism and diarrhea for the last few years. She was put on medication and gained back to a healthy weight, but the source of her diarrhea remained unknown. We tried all kinds of food, medication, fiber - nothing helped. She was my Shitty Kitty, but we loved her.

Over the last few days she'd become less talkative. She felt a little dehydrated and was losing interest in food. There was bloody mucous stool near her box and she looked like she was starting to feel bad. We really didn't know what else to do for her so we made the decision to prevent suffering.

I always feel like I never get the timing of this right; in hindsight, I wish we had let ADDC go sooner. We spent time with Midna in the vet's office and gave her lots of treats; she purred and ate treats and explored a bit. She wasn't on death's door so it was hard to make the decision, but a she was already 11 years old and after everything we tried with little improvement it felt like the best thing to do. We didn't want to see her suffer. I wish we could have done the same for ADDC.

Midna was so silly. She loved Wal-Mart bags. She was so goofy and sweet and loved all of the other animals. She liked to suck on blankets, and always answered to her name with a sweet trill. We are all super sad today. 💔😭

Spring Break isn't off to a good start.

Spring Break isn't off to a good start. When I got home from school I could tell that ADDC was in bad shape. I rushed her to the vet and she was put to sleep.

I asked the vet after it was done if we could see inside her mouth. He showed us and it was rough. He said it looked like cancer and that operating would have been nearly impossible without sending her off to a larger hospital. We really had no choice - especially given the shape she was in today.

Now looking back I'm wondering if she always had a mouth problem. Shadow named her ADDC (A Dumb Drooling Cat) because she was pretty slobbery when she was excited. We adopted her from a reputable rescue and she had been vetted. She didn't show signs of having problems eating and drinking until recently, but something not good could have been the cause of her drooling. We all thought she was just quirky. She was also pretty wiley so we mostly just petted her when she wanted it; otherwise, you'd get scratched and she'd hide. It took me, Shaun, and Kira just to get her in a carrier the other day. 

I don't know. After the vet trip the other day she seemed to be on the upswing. I am really shocked and sad that our drooly, scrappy cat didn't make it.

I just found one of my bettas dead. 😭

I just found one of my bettas dead. 😭 Rest in peace, Saul. I'm going to miss seeing you lounge on the marimo. 💔

Things have been rough.

Things have been rough. I know this because both Shaun and I wake up every animal that doesn't immediately respond when we enter a room. 😥😥😥

Shaun just found Snaga...

Shaun just found Snaga (one of my cats) dead in the hall. No blood or signs of struggle. She wasn't even super old. Was healthy and normal as far as we could tell. I just gave the cats fresh food and water at 10 and she was fine. I am wondering if she choked or something because this was completely unexpected and so out of left field.

We are in shock. I'm gonna miss her. She was the grossest of my cats - she drooled a ton when you petted her and if she shook her head you got splattered. I loved those wet lovins. 😂 She had a great meow and she was very demanding. She would reach out and grab you when it was time to pet her. She liked playing in my mom's hair when she came over.

Whatever happened - she appears to have gone fast and for that we are grateful. We wouldn't wish pain or suffering on any of our kids.

Rest in Peace, Snaga-baga. ❤️