Student Health Services...

Ok, so today was just honest to goodness BAD.

Ok, so today was just honest to goodness BAD.

I went to school early to talk to the scholarship guy.  At first he told me that I would lose my scholarship if I dropped a class.  I asked him if there was ANY WAY to avoid that and he finally told me that I'd have to write a letter outlining why I wanted to drop a class, and he'd have to present my case to a committee that he would have to pull together.  It didn't sound as though the odds would be in my favor, so I left feeling defeated.

Since I knew I had to take my Linear Algebra test I skipped my programming class in hopes that I could study for the Linear Algebra test for that hour and possibly not fail it.  No such luck.  The lady at DSS (Disability Support Services) told me there was nowhere for me to study and told me that I could go to another building.  I told her that I could not.  I literally could not make myself do one more thing - not even walk.  Instead, I cried.  So, that sucked.

She talked to me for a few minutes and then I talked to my regular DSS person.  She said it sounded like I had a lot going on and that she understood why I wanted to drop.  She told me they would also send a letter to the scholarship committee, and she did that today.  They also put out feelers for tutors in case I cannot drop.  They don't typically offer tutoring for the classes that I am struggling with, but I think it's pretty clear to everyone that I need some help right now.

So, test time came.  I looked at it.  I answered the true / false questions and the first question, which was very simple.  And then I turned it in because I just could not force my brain to go.  And then I cried some more.

As I was turning in my test a counselor came in the building and the woman to whom I was turning my test in asked me if I wanted to talk to him.  I said sure.  So, we talked.  He asked me if I'd want to see him regularly and I said that I would for now.  So, my first official appointment with him is next Thursday morning.  Maybe that will help.  He seems like a nice guy.

While I was there he asked me to fill out a piece of paper.  I did and gave it back.  He said it looked like I was having a major depressive episode.  I told him that I'd been on Celexa before and thought about taking it again.  He told me that I probably should, but that he'd also like for me to see someone at Student Health Services.  So he made an appointment for me there at 9 tomorrow morning.

I came home and immediately started writing the letter to the scholarship committee.  I outlined all of the problems that I am having, as well as the steps that I am taking to address them.  I made sure to mention that if I am allowed to drop the class now I'd take it over the summer so as not to delay my graduation.  I really think I can be ok with 3 classes, but I feel like my brain is overloaded and can't handle 4.  It's been too tough of a transition and with me having to scramble to learn the logic stuff, and now with me feeling so behind I just think the pile of things I have to do has gotten so big that it's insurmountable (or at least feels that way).  I need this break and I desperately hope they give it to me.

And so, that has been my day.  I have a headache and I'm sleepy even though I slept, but I think that's just the depression.  I remember the last time I started sinking I would try to do things and then just sleep.  So this is where I am right now.  I should study tonight, but I am going to not do that.  My brain can't and I don't need the frustration that will come if I try to make myself.

I hope that things are going better for you all.  If not, I'm sure there will be brighter days ahead for all of us.  For now I'm enjoying couch time with Shadow and watching Kira dress the dogs.  🙂

Thoughts on dropping classes?

If y'all are wondering why I'm in a constant state of "freak out"...

If y'all are wondering why I'm in a constant state of "freak out" this is what Linear Algebra looks like. Between this and Discrete CS I am definitely learning a new language with all these symbols. I don't see the mirrored "E" on this sheet, but there are some of the upside - down letters "A" near the top. It's crazy how so much of the material in my classes is related. I guess I'm learning where mathematics and computer science converge. It's all super interesting. But NOT easy.

Made an 86 on my Programming test this morning. 😁

Tests this week.

I'm home. Was not my plan, but...

I'm home.  Was not my plan, but these antibiotics have my stomach all jacked and I have a test due in Discrete CS this evening, anyway.  I would prefer to be here to do it.

I have really gotta show y'all examples of what I'm learning.  (Or rather, trying desperately to learn.  LOL)  Maybe I'll do that in the next few days.  I think most of you will understand my struggle.

Last night Shaun encouraged me to see what kind of bad grades I could get and still keep my scholarship (just as a worse-case scenario).  I have wanted to do that, but I never have the courage to do it alone.  LOL  I could make a C in 10 classes and still not lose it.  I could even make a D in two classes, although I think I'd have to re-take those classes because it doesn't count if it's for your major.  So knowing that I have some wiggle room has eased my anxiety quite a bit.

Anyway.  I'm off to take my exam and hit the books.  It's time to get on track!