I remember when I first moved out by myself (well, with Shadow). I was like, "Whoa, how the fuck do people DO this??" But I did it and I was ok. Now, it's kind of like that - but different. Whereas before I had nothing - now I have a lot to lose if I don't get things right. Mostly what I'm referring to, I suppose, is my house. It's not the greatest thing ever, but it's home. Even if I do stay caught up on my bills I don't have much left over for repairs. And believe me - there are a lot of them stacking up.
In March I quit working 3 jobs. I probably shouldn't have done that, but I wasn't being treated very nicely and it was so hard to juggle it all. With school starting back soon and no babysitter on call three jobs wouldn't be an option for me right now if I wanted it to. I'm feeling pretty grateful for that, though, seeing as how time off is a lot more valuable to me when I have good friends to spend it with.
Also, I have two cars. Neither of them are running at the moment. Both of my parents are working to help me with them and I greatly appreciate it. I just wish I had something reliable to drive. I think I've been stranded, like, 5 times this month. It never lasts long, but it scares the shit out of me. It's not so great.
I've been thinking a lot about trying to get child support. I never tried to pursue that in all of Shadow's 8 years, but the more I think about it the more I want to. The main two things that have stopped me were: 1) I didn't want to be sued for joint custody or visitation or whatever, and 2) I knew Shadow's father wouldn't hold a job and would probably end up in jail. So, it's been pointed out to me that 1) He calls and I let him talk to Shadow regardless / he's a felon on house arrest anyway so it's not likely that he would be able to get custody, and 2) If he'd been in jail all this time he probably wouldn't have so many other kids running around right now. (Btw, I'm not shit-talking him - he's a really nice guy. Just in trouble a lot).
I'm still on the fence on this one. Maybe I'm too nice. Maybe I'm reaching a point in my life where I'm tired of being nice and getting walked on. For what it's worth, though, he's had plenty of time (8 years!) to get his shit together and "help us" like he's promised to do since Shadow was born and all he does is get into more trouble. I think I'm just really losing patience with this whole "one day" mentality that's floating around me.
So I'm preparing for things to be kind of tight around here. It breaks my heart to think of it, but I might have to re-home some of my pets. Probably definitely the ferrets because their food is so much more expensive than anyone else's. I'm not all that attached to my girl ratties (even though they're not much trouble) - after Hairy and Minuit passed it just hasn't been the same. I hate to admit it, but I've just not been able to get close to them. I've got a bunch of cages and stuff that I'll probably post up on Craigslist or something... if I don't get them out of my house I know I'll be tempted to fill them again. No harm in removing them and making a few bucks, right?
You know, I have a really awesome job and it's not like I'm broke as fuck... I think I'm just starting to freak out a little because I won't have anyone to fall back on. Just me to blame if shit doesn't go as planned. While I'm really looking forward to the near future - I'm nervous. I haven't been "on my own" in probably pushing 3 years. I guess it's time to buckle down and see if I'm still as resilient as I used to be. I sure as hell hope so.
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