I woke up maybe an hour ago...

I woke up maybe an hour ago, which for me on a weekend is great.  But I didn't sleep well despite being exhausted.  I can't seem to shut my brain off, kind of ever.  🙁

If I'm watching TV on the couch or something I can get drowsy and nap.  Too bad I don't sleep well on the couch.  🙁  If I actually get ready and put myself in bed, even if I'm exhausted my brain will go some really dark places since I have no distractions and I will not sleep.  If I dare get on my phone and surf the internet as a distraction the screen will wake me up and I will just be awake.  Surfing the internet is more active than passive, anyway.

I might need some bedtime stories saved to my phone.  Or something.  I don't know.  But pretty much every night since it happened I have thought about Lowrider and all of my regrets with how I handled the end of her life.  And now I worry that I let Scooter hurt for too long - maybe his random barking wasn't so random.  🙁  He started throwing up on Tuesday.  I prolonged his pain and / or discomfort until SATURDAY because I was hopeful that his nausea meds would help.  Hope is a terrible thing to have sometimes.  If it wasn't for that I would have let them both go sooner and spared them some pain.

I just want to be dead so I can rest and never hurt anyone I love again.

Look at this goofy child.

Look at this goofy child. Head in her cave, butt hanging out. LOL

My guys are taking me to Waffle House. I think everyone is trying to make me smile. ❤

I just woke up. Was kind of hoping it was all just a bad nightmare.

I just woke up. Was kind of hoping it was all just a bad nightmare.

It's not. 🙁

We had to let him go.

We had to let him go.  He was so tired.  He declined so rapidly.  The vet said that anything the diagnostics turned up would not be easy to treat, and given his condition it was not very likely that his quality of life would improve.  We were looking at the cancer having spread or possibly some organ failure.

He fought so hard after that surgery. He tried.  We all tried.  But it just wasn't enough.

I am so proud of him and thankful that I got a couple of good weeks in with him before this happened.  He was the most bizarre dog, both in looks and personality.  He had the best tail ever.  I loved all of his little tufty places, and I loved it when we played and he'd bark and growl like he was killing me.  He was short and quirky and feisty, just like his mama.  🙂

I don't even know what else to say.  We haven't been to sleep yet.  I'm really tired and really sad, but I'm grateful that he is not in pain anymore.  We stayed with him when they gave him the shots and petted him until he was gone.  He's now resting in peace next to his old buddy, Lowrider.

None of us have been to sleep yet.

None of us have been to sleep yet.  About to head to AMC and cross our paws that they can get us in early.  Scoot isn't looking so good.  🙁  I'm hoping that whatever is wrong with him is an easy fix, but if not I'm gonna let my old boy rest.  He's fought hard and I just can't ask any more of him.

We're not having a great night.

We're not having a great night. Scooter is drinking, but hasn't been eating. The only thing I could get him to eat was leftover chicken from Dad's BBQ. I guess I got too excited about that and gave him too much, because he threw it up not long after he ate it. 🙁 Seeing as how he's on 2 anti-nausea / anti-vomiting meds I wasn't expecting that.

We didn't get any special instructions with his meds, but I'm going to try to feed him closer to when he takes them. I've noticed that his tummy gets all grumbly and noisy shortly after he takes them, so maybe that means it's trying to digest. I'm getting pretty desperate for him to eat and keep something down. If that doesn't work I'm gonna have to get him to AMC this weekend or something. I can't have him going on like this until Monday.

Scooter is being weird. 😕

Scooter is being weird.  😕

I guess him being weird is not unusual, technically, but since he's had so much going on with him it is pretty worrisome.  🙁

So for the last few days he'll be just all chilled out in the floor, but then he'll grumble and / or bark.  It's not just isolated - he'll do it for a little while.  He really reminds me of a senile old man who's just sitting on the porch and shouting at people.  LOL

He isn't yelping like he's in pain and he doesn't get up or move like he's trying to get comfortable or get away from anything, but it's just so bizarre.  Yes, this is coming from the dog who would only walk backwards in the kitchen for years, and who would bark at the wall for I don't know what reason, but still.  He made it over such a big hurdle simply by surviving that surgery and I just really don't want for him to have made it through that only to continue feeling bad or something for the rest of his life.  I wish I knew what he was doing and whether or not to be worried about it.  😕