I'm struggling.

I'm struggling. I've had a hard time not sleeping for the last 2 days. I'm depression-avoiding my life. I know it's just end of semester stress, but dang. 😥

Now that the excitement is over I'm crashing out.

Now that the excitement is over I'm crashing out.  Kira drove the car home from Gadsden with Shaun (I followed behind because I wanted to stay close).  She did a great job, but I could tell she was starting to get tired towards the end.  I think she needed to work up to a drive that big, but she did great and we are proud of her nonetheless.  The first thing she wanted to do when she got back was take her kitty Leon on a drive so she and Shaun and Leon are out and about right now.  😂😂😂

Next week is the last week of this semester.  We're taking "final" exams... but not exactly.  Since the tornado messed us up we're taking the last exams of the semester - though they don't seem to be what the teachers in either of my remaining classes consider to be "final exams."  I have a ton of studying to do between now and next Friday, but I am grateful that this semester is coming to a close.  I am beyond ready for a break.

As it seems the story of my life goes nowadays I endured a lot of  loss this semester as well as struggled through a couple of classes.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to come out with a C in Java and Intro to Advanced Math will be a C or higher - I feel like I might be able to budge that score.  The other 3 classes were marked as A's already so I don't have to worry about those.  I guess what is important is that I keep moving forward, but those bad grades sure do shake my confidence.  It makes me worried that I am not cut out for higher math or CS.  🙁

Anyway.  I'm off to either do things or nap.  Who knows.  😛 I hope you all are doing well.  ❤

Early graduation gift...

Early graduation gift for this one. She can get her license soon. She's excited if you can't tell. 😂😂😂❤️❤️❤️

MaMaw's funeral was this morning.

MaMaw's funeral was this morning. I was holding it together pretty well until her twin sister showed up. Even though they weren't identical they shared a lot of physical similarities and mannerisms. It made me realize how much I've missed her. I cried so much that I went and hid in the bathroom because I just couldn't even.

I have really missed putting together puzzles and playing Rummy with her. I miss her laugh. I just miss her. I thought I'd let go of these feelings a long time ago, but I guess not. 😢😭

My last remaining grandparent has passed away.

My last remaining grandparent has passed away.  My MaMaw died early this morning.

I am sad, but she wasn't herself for a long time before this happened.  Shadow and I lived with her when he was about 2 - 3 years old.  Things were nice at first... we talked a lot and put puzzles together and painted our nails.  We would walk up and down the road for exercise.  Or go across the street and visit Aunt Exa.  We even went to church with her on Sundays. I am grateful for those times.

Unfortunately, it wasn't long before I started to notice her having memory issues.  It progressed until there were times I could look at her and tell that MaMaw "wasn't home."  I hated looking at her and seeing someone that I didn't know, but I stayed with her as long as I could.  She started doing really bizarre things at times.  She became easily agitated and eventually became violent with us - saying mean things and trying to physically fight me.  When she started waking us up in the middle of the night asking who we were... that was pretty much all I could take.  I hid her guns and started looking for somewhere else for me and Shadow to live.

I hated to leave her; I loved her and appreciated everything she helped me through.  But I was terribly worried for our safety; I recall attending class at Gadsden Business College and crying on one of my professors because I was so scared.  As a single parent with not a lot of support at the time I had to do what I had to do.  I took Shadow and moved out and left her care to her kids.  I still visited for a time, but it became increasingly obvious that MaMaw's body was just her likeness; MaMaw herself had slipped completely away.

She eventually ended up in a nursing home and that is where she stayed for many years until this morning.  I only visited a couple of times; it was incredibly difficult to see her physically breaking down and she didn't know us, anyway.  So now she has passed on and of course I have feelings about it.  On one hand I am grateful that she is no longer trapped in what I imagine to be hell; not being able to use my mind and body, but still possibly being "in there" enough to have an idea of what is going on terrifies me.  On the other hand I feel a lot of guilt for not doing more for her, but back then I didn't have much to give.  I guess I'll process these emotions when I get to them.  😕

With that I'm going to end this post with a share of one of my last happy memories of my grandmother.  My mom and I took MaMaw to see some male dancers at some point before she was completely gone.  When her mind started slipping she became a bit more adventurous so we took advantage of that and gave her an experience.  This is something my normal MaMaw would have never agreed to do.  But she had a great time, I blogged about it, and her photo was published in a book.  Don't worry, y'all - no one ground their man-parts on my granny.  She was swooning in this photo because that guy had just kissed her cheek.  He was really nice and respectful.  She vowed never to wash that cheek again.  😂😂😂

Rest in Peace, MaMaw.  I miss you.  ❤

Kira was accepted to Gadsden State! We are so proud! 😁😁😁

Kira was accepted to Gadsden State! We are so proud! 😁😁😁

As of now...

As of now I've taken three of my grades and am continuing two of my classes.  The three grades I took were A's.  The other two classes were not so great which is why I'm continuing those classes to try to improve them.  I've got a C in Intro to Advanced Math and a high D in Java.  😳  Not great.  But having the pressure of 3 other classes off will hopefully help me out and give me the ability to focus more energy and time on the low grades.  If only the rest of my life would cooperate.  There's only a few weeks of school left to bring my grades up so I'm really hoping I can do it.