It's been cold and wet today.

It's been cold and wet today. That sucked, but I was snuggled and cuddled by everyone. We had a big old nap party on the couch. ❤️

We woke up early...

We woke up early so it's time for a nap, obviously. 😂 Why is this old snoring baby in a blanket giving me so much life? He's so precious I could die. 😭😭😭

Confession: We got takeout today.

Confession:  We got takeout today.

We haven't eaten out in ages; various things I've read have said that it's pretty safe, but we weren't risking it.  Despite going to bed by midnight last night I slept until 2 pm today and honestly wouldn't have gotten up then if Booka hadn't needed to go out.  I think my emotions are tiring me out.

Shaun and I cuddled and watched our shows.  I felt really down and we were getting hungry, but nothing sounded good.  Next thing I know Shaun is looking up Baja's number to order curbside.  That made me pretty happy.  When we got there to pick it up and I unexpectedly saw Danny's face (our favorite guy at Baja), I could have cried.  I have missed him so much and it was so good to just... gaze upon him.  I don't even care how ridiculous that sounds; it's the truth.  He talked to us briefly and said that he and his family were doing well so that is nice to hear.  I'm glad that they are keeping safe.

I haven't been this full in a long time.  We ate around 5:30 and I'm still stuffed.  No to brag, but I have lost 10 lbs since quarantine started without even trying.  Probably 10 lbs of Baja!  😂😂😂  I really do miss that place, but I hope everyone stays safe first and foremost.  I don't know what we'd do if anything happened to the restaurant or its staff.

Shaun was playing a game earlier and wouldn't let Adrian (1/10 of our cats) sit with him.

Shaun was playing a game earlier and wouldn't let Adrian (1/10 of our cats) sit with him.  She looked SUPER UPSET.  Now he's walking around the house looking for her to make it up to her.  He can't find her and it's bothering him.  They are now even.  😂😂😂

The worst cat.

The worst cat.

I didn't make it out of bed yesterday until 6...

I didn't make it out of bed yesterday until 6.  Six *PM.*  The last couple of days have taken their toll on me.

Faith is the early-riser in the house.  Was, I mean.  ... 🥺

Without her me and Booka can apparently sleep all day.  I'm sure I needed the rest, but yeah.  It's been EXCEPTIONALLY quiet and calm here.  Faith was the busy one.  Had to keep the cats in line.  Had to watch Booka eat.  Had to let us know she was out of water.  Had to go outside to pee often because she was on prednisone.  Always on the lookout for something that needed barking about.

I have gone from fostering dogs (having a max of 14 at one time [to my newer friends - check out my "Foster Kids" album if you really want to know me]) to giving my six amazing, aging forever dogs a break and some well-deserved "us" time, to my one little Booka Bear being the last man standing.  I know that Cubba and Rose live here, but they aren't "my" dogs.  Cubba was meant to be Kira's.  Rose belongs to Cubba.  If I could find either of them a good home they wouldn't be here.  They arrived long after my pack was complete and my heart was full.  I love and care for them, but we're not connected.

I feel guilty because they deserve more, but I can't give it.  I gave so much of myself for so long and I haven't been refilled.  I don't know if setting my focus on school changed me or if the agonizing loss of my pack over the last few years has hindered my capacity to give of myself.  Or it could be the mental breakdowns over the last 5 years and the medications that now hold me together.  I have no idea, but I know I am not the same.

I would still like to volunteer in rescue and foster again one day.  There is nothing like the feeling of helping someone in need; giving freely of yourself, simply CARING.  I've seen animals go from scared and hopeless to enjoying life.  I think that almost anyone can go through the motions (provide food, water, and shelter), but the secret ingredient is connection.  That makes it especially hard to give up an animal to their new forever family, but to me it's necessary for healing.  And I'm unfortunately not sure that I still have the ability to form new connections.  I feel like I've lost a part of myself somewhere along the way.

Forgive me; I'm just over here rambling.  But as I reflect on losing Faith I remember how she came to me - foster failure.  The six best friends of my life came to me during a time that I was open and helpful and connecting to life in a big way - giving and caring and changing lives.  I never searched any of them out and yet the best pack of mismatched mutts I never knew I wanted landed in my home and my heart.  I think I'm scared.  Scared that I'll never have this kind of love again.  Scared that because I'm different right now I don't deserve it.

My friend Joshua shared this...

My friend Joshua shared this and then proceeded to lay down some knowledge in the comments. I don't know how to share his version of the post rather than the original, but I'm adding screen shots of his comments here. Worth a read. It gave me a much - needed chuckle today. I love my animal people. They are my favorite. 😂❤️