Today was supposed to be Rose's surgery day.

This isn't a public post because it sucks and we don't know how or what to tell the kids. I feel like we're on the brink of making a really hard decision and I'm struggling because Rose is a beautiful girl who I truly believe tries her best. 

Today was supposed to be Rose's surgery day.

I spoke to her vet yesterday about all of the things that have been going on with her... about how she growled at Kira after her exam that day, about she's been more wary of me since it happened (I was the one who took her in to the exam), how Xanax is making her just comfortable enough to chase / attack the cats, and how she's always tense and everything scares her - often to the point of not eating.

He said given all of that information he's no longer comfortable performing surgery on her. He said that normally he does anything he can to get out of euthanasia, but that in her case if it is something we were considering he would support us. Not only does it sound like she could be a danger to others in the right (or wrong) circumstances - she's actually large and muscular enough to do serious damage. That doesn't even touch on how hard life seems to be for her.

The only other thing he could recommend is seeing a behaviorist. I'm open to it, but we're not working right now and Shaun doesn't see how it would benefit her. She stops what she's doing when scolded, but the other concerning behaviors like not eating and being afraid of every little change...I'm not sure if those could be trained away.

Overall, me and Shaun are pretty exhausted by this situation. It feels like a full-time job managing this dog and her fears. She's terrified of most of the cats to the point she won't walk by them... This means if we're chilling on the couch she is left out unless Shaun physically picks her up and carries her past the cats. If she wants off the couch and the cats are near she throws herself over the back to get around them. She won't go outside or come inside if a cat is near the door so we have to move them constantly. The only change medication has made so far is that there are two cats she will chase / try to attack. 

We have to stay so vigilant for everyone's safety and comfort and it is taxing. None of this even takes into account any changes to our home or household that might happen in the future, or other medical issues she may need to be treated for but her mental state won't allow it, nor the fact that she's smashing her cooch and whining as I type this and we now have no way to remedy that for her. 

I feel like I'm failing her, but from her vet and some very trusted and experienced friends it seems like letting her go is going to be the most humane option. I cannot imagine that she would fare well in a shelter environment, nor that she would be adopted given her problems. I feel like all paths lead to the same place eventually and if I have to choose one way to get there I would 100% choose the path that allows us to be with her every time - with whatever little comfort she can take from that.

Thought? Opinions? Hugs? Hate? Have we tried hard enough? I've never been faced with letting such a young soul go. On top of that I really don't think the kids see the extremity of the situation because me and Shaun are the ones who are keeping the peace and things in check.

OMG, y'all. Last night was INSANE.

OMG, y'all. Last night was INSANE and I had a migraine due to stress almost all day.

I'm a light sleeper and I kept hearing the garage door trying to open. The dogs weren't barking because we're the only ones who come and go through that part of the house. I told Shaun, but he was slow to wake up. He's bigger and stronger, but I'm smaller and faster (faster when I want / need to be), so I made it downstairs first.

In my rush to go investigate I forgot my glasses so I really couldn't see shit. I did, however, think to grab my phone in case there was an emergency. So I made it downstairs despite the fact that I couldn't see and I saw someone standing down there. 

As I approached them I repeatedly tried the "chop" motion with my phone which was supposed to turn on the flashlight, but it wasn't working. I quietly asked who was there and no one replied so I kept moving closer. After getting stupid close to this unknown person I see that it's Shadow with a bag of snacks and he's recoiled away from me because I've just run blindly down the stairs looking crazy as hell.

I told him about hearing the garage door open and he said that Kira had found it open and just closed it. So I was like "Wtf, what if we just closed an intruder in the house?!" So I went to check because duh - we don't want that.

As I'm walking, (still blindly in the dark), I'm steadily "chopping" my phone and getting increasingly pissed off that of all times the flashlight chooses NOW not to work. By this time Shaun had made it downstairs and was talking to the kids. Meanwhile, I was mustering up my balls and having a "Say it with your chest" type of moment. So in defense of my house and to find out if someone was there I screamed "HELLO!" at the top of my lungs.

It was at that moment I felt Adrian (cat) leap off the back of my neck and Shaun's hand on my shoulder with him saying "Blu! Blu! Are you ok?"

Apparently... I was having a nightmare and screamed "HELLO!" so loud that I woke not only myself up, but Shaun as well - despite the fact that he sleeps with a Bluetooth headband on. He told me to text the kids and let them know things were ok in case they heard that so I did. I found out this morning that they definitely did hear me - they were looking out the windows to see what was going on before they got my message. 

Y'all. I think the snow might've triggered me. When I lived in Anniston as the only adult with Shadow and the animals I would ALWAYS see footprints in the snow outside of my house. Not just in the yard or near the road, but up close and on the porch. Either I was being pranked or drug addicts aren't smart enough to realize that they left a trail. It always made me feel even more unsafe knowing that someone was prowling around. 

Anyway, Shaun fell back to sleep almost immediately after the screaming hello incident. I, on the other hand, laid there for a while wondering how dogs live like this and getting an increasingly bad headache until I eventually had to take my migraine meds. For the life of me I could not relax and get to sleep. Waking myself up like that was a first for me so I was weirded out completely on top of the stress. I can laugh at it now, but in that dream I was so, so scared.

Kira didn't bake last night...

Kira didn't bake last night, but did fancy up some delicious strawberries. I could have eaten every one of them by myself. 😂

Long Update:

It snowed all day and is still snowing. 😳

Shaun has been super happy every time he looked outside and the snow was still falling. I usually don't care for it, but it's not the wet slushy kind that I'm used to in AL. It actually looks pretty nice because the ground is covered (for now). Maybe it's not the snow I dislike, but the messy way it looks when it's walked upon or is melting. Anyway.

Shaun made a snowball and brought it in and gave it to Cubba. Cubba then took the snowball outside, proceeded to put it down (on the snow-covered ground), and ate it... and the surrounding snow. 😂😂😂 I guess that was a treat that kept on giving. 😜 Thankfully, the dogs don't seem to mind this weather. They've both gone out and played today so I'm grateful it wasn't scary for Rose. 

The electrician came this morning and finished the sunroom. He wired one thing weird (which we would have pointed out before he left had he given us the opportunity, but he didn't) so he's coming back tomorrow - weather permitting, I guess. Shaun could fix it, but this guy has already been paid to do the work so we're going to let him. 

Shaun and I cleaned up the sunroom and moved some stuff in there. My plants are in totes in there. I'll probably have a post sometime in the next few days where I will need help identifying who can be saved and who is definitely dead so plant friends - please look out for that.

We also moved the litter boxes to the sunroom so we're all thrilled with that. The boxes were in the supposed "dining room" area that we weren't using. Now it's just a big open space that we don't know what to do with. 😂 I'll get pics soon. It's got nice windows so maybe it would be a good sitting area. We're definitely not going to put another big table in there. That seems so redundant.

Anyway, I vacuumed and shampooed the carpet so it's nice and clean in the "dining room." I also shampooed part of the couch downstairs before I crapped out. THEN, I did some minor nail art. 😁😁😁 (It's literally been years since I've done more than just paint my nails. I can hardly believe that.) In any case - I earned it today. I'm planning to get photos sometime tomorrow.

That's all I have to talk about for now. Wait - I lied. I got the call today that we'll be getting our solar panels installed next week so we're excited and ready for that. 😁 Now I'm done.

Goodnight, friends! ❤️

View from the front door.

Part of the front yard.

Quickie Update:

I went to bed early and I haven't been awake long, but it's snowing and the electrician is here.

Also, Shaun said he had trouble getting Rose in and out last night and this morning. The big, scary difference in the sunroom? An outlet. 🙄

We have a fun couple of weeks ahead.

Today was less great...

Today was less great, but I'll admit that a lot of it was due to my attitude.

I woke up early because I heard Rose barking like she does when she needs to go out in the morning.  Hey, props to her for letting us know - we appreciate it.  I hate to admit that Shaun is usually the one to get up with them and let me sleep in.  I don't know how that became the norm, but I've been going to bed earlier lately and today I was like "Nah, he can sleep and I'll deal with the dogs."

I got up and let them out.  Made my normal breakfast of oatmeal and fog tea.  Took my meds and drank a bunch of water.  Let the dogs back in and watched Rose eat a whole bowl of food (thank goodness).  Then we settled in on the couch where I mindlessly and unhappily scrolled because I didn't know what to do with myself.  😂😂😂

I guess the mindless scrolling wasn't hitting the spot because later I woke up to the doorbell ringing and it was the electrician here to work on the sunroom.  Shaun woke up and came down in case the electrician had questions for him.  Shaun seemed frazzled because I'm sure he just stood up and threw on clothes when he heard the doorbell ring.  It also doesn't help his anxiety when people are working on the house.  Since we are both big into doing things ourselves it feels really awkward to be sitting here while someone else works.

Anyway, I sent Shaun to his game room and told him I'd keep and ear / eye out on the dogs.  Rose barked pretty constantly the whole day no matter what any of us did.  It wasn't super fun.  I managed to get a few things done on my Lappy that I'd been meaning to do so I guess that's something.

I got an alert on my phone that we're having some winter storm weather starting early tomorrow morning.  We might be getting some snow.  So... our sunroom might not be finished until later this week because the electrician left today without completing the job.  He left early yesterday having barely done anything.  I'm pretty frustrated and ready for this to be over with.

Look, the sunroom has places pre-made into it for the wires and conduit to run.  He just needed to put in some boxes and wire some switches and I'm failing to see how this should be a 3-day job.  No, I'm not an electrician or an expert in the field, but I've watched Shaun do some pretty intense electrical work (he learned from his dad) in far less time than this without even having all of the proper tools.

I'm not about to go all "Karen" on anyone, but my gosh I'm allowed to say that my patience is running thin.  I want to get this stupid dog adjusted to the sunroom and calm before she has surgery.  I want to put my plants on shelves and see who's gonna live.  We want to move the litterboxes out there, and I want to shampoo the carpeted area where they were once we move them.  We can't do any of that until the sunroom is completed and I'm not enjoying trying to psych myself up to do this work (especially because the dumb dog and the plants are going to mess with me emotionally) only to keep having the date I actually have to confront all of this moved on me.

Anyway, I suppose this turned into a vent / rant and I didn't mean for it to, but like I said - my attitude isn't the best today.  I don't know why.  It was cloudy and maybe I missed my sunbeams.  I don't really care for days without sunbeams, I've found.

Well, I'm going away.  Hopefully my bad attitude doesn't rub off on anyone else.  Be better than I am today.  You can do it!

Mish-Mash of updates.

Today has been pretty good.

The electrician came to run electricity in the sunroom today, but didn't finish.  He'll be back tomorrow.  I'm good with that.

I officially finished moving 11 Januarys worth of posts to my blog(s) using Facebook Memories.  I realized that I, uh... I really tell y'all just about everything.  I'm an open book and you don't even have to ask!  Haha.  Oh well.  After I get all of that moved I will need to find a better way to manage it all, but that's a problem for another day.

It was gorgeous out and I actually skated for the first time in a few weeks.  My booty butt hasn't hurt recently so I thought it was probably safe to go out.  I wore the butt-pads that my mom got me to be extra careful, though.  Thankfully, it was like I didn't miss any time at all.  I still need to work on transitions, but overall I'm happy with how I did today and I can turn a decently tight circle so I'm not mad about that!

After that Shaun and I had a late lunch and then watched our show with the kids.  Then I came upstairs and re-painted my nails and painted Shaun's toes while we watched something together.  I should really get photos of Shaun's paint before he messes his up.  Magnetic gel on his hands, regular polish on his feet.  I'm wearing a really pretty polish and want a picture of it, too.  But I also want to try some stamping because it's been AGES.  Maybe I'll get some pics of my nubs soon.  We'll see.

Also, I love that some of y'all trust me enough to ask me animal questions.  It makes me feel special and lately my struggle with Rose has had me feeling like a failure so I think I kind of needed to be reminded that I know other stuff sometimes.  And some of you have been super supportive of me as we try to figure out how to best care of this dog and I really, truly, from the bottom of my heart thank you.

Anyway, I've been up since early and I exercised my body and it's been a productive day and I'm tired now so I'm turning in.  I hope you all are doing well.  ❤