I'm seeing and feeling the love...

I'm seeing and feeling the love from my friends and family and even though I haven't responded (yet), I wanted to let you all know that it's appreciated. I'm going on day 3 of little sleep and fighting off a migraine, and almost week two of elevated stress and little self-care so I am taking some down-time to try to get right. I am mentally, emotionally, and physically drained right now. I know logically that we did the right thing for Rose, but that somehow didn't make it any less awful.

Thank you and I love you all. ❤️

Today we said goodbye to our sweet Rose.

Today we said goodbye to our sweet Rose.  She had tasty bones this week and all of the playtime she wanted.  The kids sent her off with Oreos so that she could taste chocolate before she passed.  She had a swift and peaceful passing with me and Shaun present.

We spoke honestly and thoroughly with her vet upon our arrival.  I told him her history of not seeking shelter no matter the weather, of not trusting us despite living with us since she was 6 weeks old (she would be 4 years old right about now), about how any changes scare her, about how she stops eating, and everything we've tried.  We also let him know that her behavior (both regarding the tumor and the aggression we saw when she started Xanax) had escalated.  We stopped the Xanax at least a week ago, but she was still going after a few of the cats and had now begun growling at Cubba (the most recent incident he was simply laying on the couch). She also still did the "coochie-stomp and cry" with her tumor except that she was also starting to bark at her own rear end.  He said that it sounded like she had a neurological problem that training and medication wouldn't fix and that he believed we were doing the responsible and kind thing for Rose.  Shaun and I honestly feel the same way.

Once the paperwork was done they took her back and gave her an IV.  They brought a blanket in so we could be comfortable on the floor with her and sat down a container of treats.  When she returned we petted and loved her and gave her treats and comforted her.  She sat in Shaun's lap when it was time for the shots.  The sleepy shot went into the IV and before the doctor was halfway through pushing that syringe her whole body loosened in Shaun's arms, she yawned, and put her head down in my hands.  The doctor administered the flush, then the kill shot, and she was gone a few seconds later.  It was so fast and so peaceful.  Neither me nor Shaun have ever seen her look so relaxed.

It wasn't an easy decision, but through my time in rescue I learned that there are fates far worse than death.  With her reaction to change / stress I stand with her vet on believing that surgery was not a good idea at this time.  Maybe months of work with a behaviorist would have done her good, but the consultation alone was $650 with (obviously) no guarantees.  Meanwhile, she would still have that uncomfortable / outrightly painful tumor still growing inside her.  This was a perfect shitstorm where the loser was Rose.

Rose was another weird / quirky soul who we embraced in our home and our lives.  She was never an easy dog, but with the guidance of some of my super experienced friends we made it work... until we couldn't.  It never occured to me that she would have a medical issue so young or that it would happen at a time in her life when stressors were stacked to the point she was showing signs of aggression.  If I had it's entirely possible that there would have been time to at least work with a behaviorist and that this situation could've played out much differently.  However, that is not how things went and the best I can do now is say that I've learned some things.

Not to be gross or crass, but after she passed I asked the doctor to show me her tumor again.  It had almost tripled in size since her last visit to him.  I have a photo if anyone would like to see it - just message me or ask in the comments.  It doesn't bother me to send it or talk about it; however, I'm not tryna traumatize anyone or ruin anyone's day so I'm not posting out here to be seen while scrolling.  I've got a headache from crying and might not be by my phone all day, but I'll check in on and off throughout the evening.  For now, me and Shaun are trying to wind down and we're planning to spend some time with the kids as a family this evening.

To everyone who's tried to help me on this journey with Rose:  I appreciate your support and guidance more than words can say.  Thank you so much.  All of my love and gratitude to you for sticking by me during this trying time. ❤️

Oh, these sunsets never get old.

Oh, these sunsets never get old.

The snow has finally melted (except for on the mountain) and it was gorgeous today.

We were startled awake...

We were startled awake at 2:30 this morning by this lovely song. The video is uninteresting visually, but the coyotes were singing us the song of their people - loudly, proudly, and off and on throughout the night.

I love it so much! ❤️

Every single night...

Every single night when I'm trying to go to sleep a cat sneezes in my face (either Ember, Adrian, or both). Ember in particular likes to head-bonk so, so hard and sticks her nose in my nose, eyes, or worse - rubs it across my lips.

I just had to sneeze and I *almost* covered it. Then I thought... "Why do that when I can share?" so I let it rip and sneezed right at Ember's face. She ran away. 😂😂😂 Wrong? Probably. Petty? Yes. Satisfying? Oh, definitely. 10/10 - would do it again.

Today was supposed to be Rose's surgery day.

This isn't a public post because it sucks and we don't know how or what to tell the kids. I feel like we're on the brink of making a really hard decision and I'm struggling because Rose is a beautiful girl who I truly believe tries her best. 

Today was supposed to be Rose's surgery day.

I spoke to her vet yesterday about all of the things that have been going on with her... about how she growled at Kira after her exam that day, about she's been more wary of me since it happened (I was the one who took her in to the exam), how Xanax is making her just comfortable enough to chase / attack the cats, and how she's always tense and everything scares her - often to the point of not eating.

He said given all of that information he's no longer comfortable performing surgery on her. He said that normally he does anything he can to get out of euthanasia, but that in her case if it is something we were considering he would support us. Not only does it sound like she could be a danger to others in the right (or wrong) circumstances - she's actually large and muscular enough to do serious damage. That doesn't even touch on how hard life seems to be for her.

The only other thing he could recommend is seeing a behaviorist. I'm open to it, but we're not working right now and Shaun doesn't see how it would benefit her. She stops what she's doing when scolded, but the other concerning behaviors like not eating and being afraid of every little change...I'm not sure if those could be trained away.

Overall, me and Shaun are pretty exhausted by this situation. It feels like a full-time job managing this dog and her fears. She's terrified of most of the cats to the point she won't walk by them... This means if we're chilling on the couch she is left out unless Shaun physically picks her up and carries her past the cats. If she wants off the couch and the cats are near she throws herself over the back to get around them. She won't go outside or come inside if a cat is near the door so we have to move them constantly. The only change medication has made so far is that there are two cats she will chase / try to attack. 

We have to stay so vigilant for everyone's safety and comfort and it is taxing. None of this even takes into account any changes to our home or household that might happen in the future, or other medical issues she may need to be treated for but her mental state won't allow it, nor the fact that she's smashing her cooch and whining as I type this and we now have no way to remedy that for her. 

I feel like I'm failing her, but from her vet and some very trusted and experienced friends it seems like letting her go is going to be the most humane option. I cannot imagine that she would fare well in a shelter environment, nor that she would be adopted given her problems. I feel like all paths lead to the same place eventually and if I have to choose one way to get there I would 100% choose the path that allows us to be with her every time - with whatever little comfort she can take from that.

Thought? Opinions? Hugs? Hate? Have we tried hard enough? I've never been faced with letting such a young soul go. On top of that I really don't think the kids see the extremity of the situation because me and Shaun are the ones who are keeping the peace and things in check.

OMG, y'all. Last night was INSANE.

OMG, y'all. Last night was INSANE and I had a migraine due to stress almost all day.

I'm a light sleeper and I kept hearing the garage door trying to open. The dogs weren't barking because we're the only ones who come and go through that part of the house. I told Shaun, but he was slow to wake up. He's bigger and stronger, but I'm smaller and faster (faster when I want / need to be), so I made it downstairs first.

In my rush to go investigate I forgot my glasses so I really couldn't see shit. I did, however, think to grab my phone in case there was an emergency. So I made it downstairs despite the fact that I couldn't see and I saw someone standing down there. 

As I approached them I repeatedly tried the "chop" motion with my phone which was supposed to turn on the flashlight, but it wasn't working. I quietly asked who was there and no one replied so I kept moving closer. After getting stupid close to this unknown person I see that it's Shadow with a bag of snacks and he's recoiled away from me because I've just run blindly down the stairs looking crazy as hell.

I told him about hearing the garage door open and he said that Kira had found it open and just closed it. So I was like "Wtf, what if we just closed an intruder in the house?!" So I went to check because duh - we don't want that.

As I'm walking, (still blindly in the dark), I'm steadily "chopping" my phone and getting increasingly pissed off that of all times the flashlight chooses NOW not to work. By this time Shaun had made it downstairs and was talking to the kids. Meanwhile, I was mustering up my balls and having a "Say it with your chest" type of moment. So in defense of my house and to find out if someone was there I screamed "HELLO!" at the top of my lungs.

It was at that moment I felt Adrian (cat) leap off the back of my neck and Shaun's hand on my shoulder with him saying "Blu! Blu! Are you ok?"

Apparently... I was having a nightmare and screamed "HELLO!" so loud that I woke not only myself up, but Shaun as well - despite the fact that he sleeps with a Bluetooth headband on. He told me to text the kids and let them know things were ok in case they heard that so I did. I found out this morning that they definitely did hear me - they were looking out the windows to see what was going on before they got my message. 

Y'all. I think the snow might've triggered me. When I lived in Anniston as the only adult with Shadow and the animals I would ALWAYS see footprints in the snow outside of my house. Not just in the yard or near the road, but up close and on the porch. Either I was being pranked or drug addicts aren't smart enough to realize that they left a trail. It always made me feel even more unsafe knowing that someone was prowling around. 

Anyway, Shaun fell back to sleep almost immediately after the screaming hello incident. I, on the other hand, laid there for a while wondering how dogs live like this and getting an increasingly bad headache until I eventually had to take my migraine meds. For the life of me I could not relax and get to sleep. Waking myself up like that was a first for me so I was weirded out completely on top of the stress. I can laugh at it now, but in that dream I was so, so scared.