Checked on the baby before going to sleep.

Checked on the baby before going to sleep. Bear is so freakin' precious. And look at Cub on my pillow. And Scar on my head. And Shaun's next to me, not snoring.

We're all tucked! ❤️

He looks like a warthog. 😂

He looks like a warthog. 😂 Maybe next year we dress him up as Bebop for Halloween. 😂😂😂

We heard it and I rushed out, but...

We heard it and I rushed out, but it happened so fast that I missed a great view of this balloon descending across the way.

I love it here so much! ❤️

Today wasn't 💯, but...

Today wasn't 💯, but it really wasn't bad considering how terribly I slept due to how anxious I was about work.

I kind of bit off a lot to do on Thursday and the rest of my team has to wait for me to do my part before they can do theirs, so that's no pressure. /sarcasm 😂 I worked on it some Thursday and Friday, but I knew I'd feel better if I just had some quiet hours to dedicate to it today.

I slept late today because of how bad I slept. I finally texted Shaun to come get me out of the bedroom in the afternoon because I was just so anxious that I wasn't moving. He got me up, and I ended up getting most of my work done today. I didn't make any actual changes to the client's instance, but I have everything documented and linked in Excel so that we (as a team) can go over it on Monday and knock it out quickly. I just didn't want to be in there making that many changes without a second set of eyes.

Anyway, I feel good because I got so much done. I'm also really happy because usually when my anxiety is up and my sleep is bad I get a migraine. That didn't happen today - thank goodness. Testosterone is supposed to help with anxiety and migraines, so that may be why I didn't. If all I get is a little stuck and needing a nudge, I am fine with that. I usually know how/when to ask for help.

Well, it's 1 in the morning. I'm heading to bed. I hope I get some good sleep tonight. Hopefully I will since I don't feel worried about anything at the moment.

I've been on Testosterone for one week.

I've been on Testosterone for one week.  I've also been on meds for hypothyroid for 6 days.

The first few days were rough, mood-wise.  Other than that, my joint aches are better and my sleep is improving, as well.

I am sure it's a combination of both medications, but today was straight-up good.  I felt rested upon waking and I honestly can't remember the last time that happened.  I usually struggle with being sluggish and drowsy and desperately wanting to crawl back into bed, but not today.

I woke up, did my Duolingo, got my steps in, did my strength-training from yesterday, and went to work.  I struggle to get those 2 to 3 things done daily (I don't strength train every day), often waiting until after work to exercise, but today I knocked it out, as well as checked off some things from my to-do list.  It's been weeks since I checked even one thing off that list.

I don't know if I will have this kind of energy every day, but I am really hoping this isn't a fluke.  I felt like I wanted to feel - like I used to feel, before Psoriatic Arthritis and college stress and depression teamed up and knocked me on my ass.  Not to brag, but I used to be a person who could do things.  😂  If this does keep up, maybe I'll get back to skating and making jewelry and doing more than just sitting on the couch because that's all I have the energy left to do after working.  Here's hoping.

It's only 8:30 here, but I'm crashing out and I'm ok with that.  I'm still trying to be gentle with myself and I'm listening to my body, so I'm getting ready for bed.  I hope y'all have a good night.  <3

It's early, I'm awake, and actually somewhat rested, so...

It's early, I'm awake, and actually somewhat rested, so... It's ramble time!

I often don't feel that I have the right to speak about LGBTQIA+ issues as a "straight" "female", but the fact that I'm not even comfortable calling myself "a woman" in this sentence speaks volumes to and about me. I was talking to a friend yesterday about hormonal stuff, and she said that getting her Testosterone levels checked because they might be too high was very gender-affirming to her and that she is "definitely a woman." And it just struck me during that conversation that I could never, with confidence and conviction, say "I am a woman." I realize due to my body type that women's issues, both physically and socially, affect me. But "I am a woman" just doesn't feel right to or for me.

I was raised as a female. A strong, independent, capable female - but a female nonetheless. I was expected to shave my body hair, wear make-up, style my hair, and wear traditionally female clothing. I'm not saying that any of that was wrong or damaging to me. But I am saying that at some point it started to feel like a costume, and as early as it felt safe to do so I began slowly taking it off.

I think the last time I wore a dress was around 6th grade graduation, or perhaps at an aunt's wedding, whichever came last. I wore skirts of my own accord into high school, but by graduation I was done. In fact, I almost didn't get to walk at my high school graduation because of my refusal to wear a dress or skirt.

In my 20s, (not surprisingly, once I was out on my own) I stopped shaving my body hair and shaved my head/kept my hair primarily short. Not everyone appreciated or accepted that, but I had never felt more comfortable in my own skin. I was thin, flat-chested, and dressed in baggier clothing featuring suspenders. Later, I ditched make-up entirely. I confused an old man once. I've personally never felt more gender-affirmed than when he asked me if I was "a little boy or a little girl."

Despite the fact that in my adult life I've been told many times by friends and family that I'm very black/white, on/off, in/out, I really have an appreciation for the middle. I always have. I have a childhood memory of learning the difference between boys and girls and thinking "Why can't I be both? Or neither?" I recall understanding gender norms at the time, in a "girls take care of the house and boys take care of the yard" sort of way, but I had no actual idea of the extent to which gender norms were enforced by society until later. It's a slow programming that begins at birth for most of us.

My point is that I accept that physically/hormonally I exist in an AFAB body and it's not very distressing to me because I can do enough customizing of it without surgery or HRT to feel "at home enough" in it. I can shun gender norms enough to be fine with the label "female."  But I understand that this is not everyone's experience. Sometimes taking off the costume of what society expects isn't enough.  Sometimes people need HRT and surgeries to feel like themselves - and that's ok. That is healthcare.

I'm on HRT to make my AFAB body function as comfortably and optimally as it can, not to transition. But would I be upset if I grew a little mustache? Gained more muscle? Nope, I would not be bothered. For all I know I might even feel gender-affirmed again (I've been pretty uncomfortable in my body since my 30s; I gained weight and grew larger breasts and I feel like I'm back in my "caterpillar is goo in a cocoon" stage, but anyway...). Until I find something that fits better, I suppose I'm good with being a gender non-conforming she/they.

If you take nothing else from my ramble/lived experience:

Imagine having to experience every day of your life in a costume. You never feel like you are seen as yourself. You're never comfortable unless you're at home or alone, where you can take the costume off. People can love the idea of you that you have presented, but not you because they don't actually know you. That is very inauthentic and damaging to your mental health. No one should be forced to live a lie just to be safe or accepted.

Gender-affirming care is healthcare!

Sweet boy. He loves his Papa.

Sweet boy. He loves his Papa.

He's not limping today, but still very unhappy with the ear cleaning and medicating.