It's hard to dance like nobody's watching when they are.

This weekend was pretty good. I went to two parties Friday night and that was a nice change of pace. I'm not really a party kind of girl, but both of them turned out to be pretty mellow so I had fun. It was nice to just hang out and see some people that I don't often get to see. I think the highlight of my night had to be when I danced with Freddy Krueger. Well, I think it went more like I finally danced once and he stopped. I'm not sure about that, though. I wasn't really paying attention. I was too busy being nervous. I haven't danced in front of people since sixth grade. I haven't danced in front of an audience since I was way younger than that.

Yeah, for anyone who didn't know - and come to think of it that's probably a lot of people - I used to take ballet and do recitals when I was little. Oh, how I hated it. I cried on stage every time. My mom still makes fun of me to this day. Anyway, I was nervous and couldn't dance like nobody was watching - because indeed, they were. I suppose it could've been worse. I dunno about my "moves" but I do have rhythm, so... maybe I didn't look too much like an idiot. Hopefully it wasn't, like, Elaine from Seinfeld or anything. *shudder at the thought of that* I sure hope not.

Then, Saturday, I went out with Nick, Colin, Colin's wife Nancy, (who I wouldn't mind getting to hang out with more often), and his mom, dad, uncle, and nephew. We went to the Mellow Mushroom and that was some good pizza. It was nice to hang out with them... they're good people. It was a nice crowd. Ahhh, good times. Well, I guess that's about all that's happened to me this weekend that's worth mentioning.

My Shadow ROCKS!!!

I just wanted to stop in and say that my boy ROCKS!!! He came running out of the school yesterday when I came to pick him up, yelling, "I topped out, I topped out, mom!" I was all, "What does that mean?" and the teacher came out and told me that he has now completed all of his kindergarten reading work on the computer and he can start working on the first grade stuff. I was so proud! It's not even halfway through the school year. He's the best EVER! Anyway, I just wanted to stop in and brag a little. 😁

THE END

PMS *cries*

Why, yes - I am going to write about that. I want to talk about how I feel right now. I'm going to try to describe how I feel here because writing is about the only way I can articulate a thought into something anyone else can understand. When it comes to be my lovely time of the month to bleed, (which I do quite enjoy for the most part) I get very emotional. I don't really know how else to describe it other than maybe I just feel more sensitive or fragile. For the most part I feel like crying at everything. No matter what. And a lot of times it makes me feel better; other than I feel like a goober (after the fact) for crying over something like someone's bad breath or being ignored by a cat. Apparently I get bitchy, also, (as I proved yesterday), and that sucks. I hate the fact that I hurt people I care about by losing my temper over things that are not worth making a big deal over. I'm just... emotionally on edge. Some compassion towards me would be cool.

Physically, well... I can sum that up with one word: uncomfortable. My body just doesn't feel like it normally does. I want nothing more than to be somewhere warm with soft things all around. A warm body holding me would be even better, but I'm afraid my stand-offish or aloof thing that I get going on scares anyone away from wanting to be so near me. *sigh* But I'm sure it would make me feel better; it's like I crave it or something. Maybe I need a heating pad - at least that wouldn't be an asshole to me.  Anyway, here are a few things it wouldn't hurt for people to keep in mind:

• I do not want to be picked at.
• I do not want to be in public.
• I do not want to be alone (although I don't want many people around).

• I do want to be cuddled.
• I do want to be warm.
• I do want to be as comfortable as possible.

• I will cry.
• I will take things personally.
• I will get frustrated easily.

So, um... about the aloof or stand-offish thing that I get... I don't know how to explain that. I'm not necessarily unhappy, mad, sad, or whatever... I'm just something else that I don't know how to describe and that's just the reaction I've always had. I wish I knew what it was... I suppose I should do some research about that to see what I can come up with. Maybe I'll just use the word "down" to describe it for now... I'm not energetic or playful or tolerant... Ok, if anyone reads this and knows what I'm talking about please help me out. Tell me what it is. I would really like to talk to some people about this and see what we come up with... or maybe it's just me and I'm abnormal. Who knows.

... and the bafflement ensues.

Ok, well... I'm at work right now. I asked my boss this morning why he didn't tell me that we weren't working next week when I spoke to him on the phone last night and he said it's because some of us are. I happen to be one of the lucky few. The coworker who sent me the email was not (obviously).  I feel pretty good knowing that he needs me enough to keep me around (for now)... but I'm still worried about the future. I can't help but wonder if this company is going to go under. He keeps saying that things are going to get better soon, but I've been here for over a year and I just don't see that happening if he can't get our shit together. And besides - would he be honest with me? I don't trust him to do that. He's lied to me before.

I hate to feel so negatively about the situation, but it's really stressing me out. All in all this is not a bad job. It is my first "real" job out of school doing what I went to school for. Sure - I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing this, but I really don't feel like I'm ready to leave here just yet. And honestly I don't want to see this place go under. It has potential... we just need to get some things in order.

I guess my problem is that regardless of all that has happened I feel loyal to this place and I don't really think I can find anything better right now. It sort of "fits" - you know? I shall keep my eyes open, but I think until I can see more clearly what's going on I'm going to invest some time in myself. You can't go wrong with that. I'm not feeling that this is a good time to start making decisions just yet. Something (and by that I mean the little birdie in my guts) is telling me that if I start struggling now it's going to be in vain and that will just equal wasted energy.

I really would like to go back to school so maybe this would be a good time to start looking into that again. I hope so... I'm not quite ready for a change of this proportion so maybe I should be preparing myself for when the time comes. If not... well, I suppose I will lose my job and be forced to make a change, won't I? (Ooh, did you see my optimism?)

Part II - happy thoughts

Optimism (if I have any): In my short life I've noticed that when things need to change - if I don't take the steps I need to in order to get that done something always ends up forcing my hand and things usually turn out fine. I started to go back to school earlier this year (which I have been wanting to do), but I kept putting it off and making excuses. I was comfortable... we had all that we needed and I enjoyed getting off work and spending all my extra time at home or doing whatever else I felt like doing. I shouldn't have let myself get lazy. I definitely should've been looking for another profession that could satisfy me or at least be taking classes somewhere. Now it's starting to look like I may no longer have a choice. So I think I just need to do whatever feels right and go with it - as hard as that may be. (And be stressed in the process; suddenly not being secure is a pretty scary feeling).

Aside from that: This week was pretty good. I've been lazy this whole time... slept a lot, played on my computer a lot, spent a lot of time doing nothing in particular with my best friend, and things like that. It's been nice. Oh, and my awesome kid got his FIRST report card Wednesday and he's got "satisfactory" and "mastery" on all of the different little categories. And that's not all. On this reading program they're doing they monitor the progress of the kids to see if they are going to need extra help learning to read... anyway, the goal was to have a score of 8 and my baby had a 12. Yes, he rocks!!! 😁😁😁

Also, today was the fall festival at his school. He got his face painted like a skull and won some candy. He liked watching the kids dunk one of the school faculty at the dunking booth. I must admit it was pretty fun. Then we walked out to the playground. THAT was the best. We all enjoyed ourselves out there. I have pictures, (yay!). I may try to put a few up. Anyway, I had to be rescued from the climbing wall - I got up there and couldn't get down. Me and Nick tried to play on the see-saw, but it wouldn't work. He's pretty skinny, but I still didn't weigh enough to push him up. And we made quite an interesting observation about Shadow... when you chase him he's like one of those fainting goats. You get too close and he just flops down on the ground with his legs up in the air. He's so bizarre. 😂😂😂

Anyway, I feel better having gotten all the negative off my chest first and then giggling as I write the positive stuff here at the end. Ummm, thanks if you actually bothered to sit here and read this whole blog; I know this one was kind of lengthy and probably not very interesting... but I just needed to write and now I feel somewhat better. I hope all is well with you - whoever you are. *hugs*

Part I - officially bummed out

Wow... it's simply amazing how things have gone from bad to worse lately. Things are not good... here's a list. 😬

1:   Last week with all that happened - (If you read my last blog, then you know what I'm talking about) - I forgot to mention that I broke my glasses and have since been wearing an old pair that not only doesn't look very flattering, but are uncomfortable and are no longer the right prescription. I'm not very happy about this and I can't really afford to do anything about it at the moment, (see #3).

2:  Maybe it's from the stress, but my skin looks terrible. It hurts and no matter how nice you try to be - it's simply ugly. No way around that and that's ok. I have psoriasis and I know it's not pretty. While it's not as bad as it has been before it's coming up in obvious places, aka: MY FACE. And I'm getting these weird little zit-like bumps that hurt really bad also... ugh.

3:   Ok, and at first I was completely ok with this, but now I'm starting to freak out: I've been off work for two weeks... no - not vacation or any sort of paid time off - just off. The boss shut down for two weeks and I thought, "Well, money might be tight, but that's cool." Shadow was out of school last week for fall break so I got to spend that with him and it was nice. Then there was the funeral and everything that goes with it so I definitely would've taken off for all of that, as well. Then, since my boy was back in school this week it was like I had some time for myself and that was pretty awesome, too. But I just got an email from my coworker saying that we were going to be off for another week. That worries me.

Here's why: First of all - I can't afford to not work for three weeks. It was going to be hard enough doing it for two, but three is going to be too much. Second - I asked my boss straight up on the day he said we were closing if this was going to be permanent and he said no. That might have comforted me some if he hadn't lied to my face before.  😠

So VERY Grateful.

The last few days have been rough. One of my very dear friends lost a relative (suddenly in a car accident) and it's been so far the most emotionally trying experience I've had in a long time. She was only 16 with her 17th birthday coming on Monday. There's only one word I can think of to describe her - friendly. She was always so sweet to me and my kiddo and we're gonna miss her. I realize that I did not grow up with this girl or even know her that well, but the effects of her death have struck me pretty hard.

I've seen what the whole family is going through and it kills me to imagine what they are feeling. I've had nightmares before about losing my child and it panics me for days. I honestly don't know if I could survive something like that. It's like I just wish there was something I could say to make things all better, but I know that there is no such thing. I hate that so much. I plan to be around, give a lot of hugs, and do whatever else I can to help them cope...

This just really sucks... I'm very sad, too. I've cried a lot in the past few days. I'm crying right now, even. I don't even know what else to say. She was so pretty, all peaceful looking... and a ton of people showed up to see her. She seemed to really have a lot of friends. It's just so sad. ... I'm really glad that part is over with.

Today it felt absolutely wonderful to have my Shadow back (he's spent a lot of time at his grandmother's house while all of this has gone on) and to be back home with the people I love. It was such a relief to have them near me. I cannot express how grateful I've felt to still have them. When a tragedy like this happens it makes you think about how lucky you are and about how much you shouldn't take the people you love for granted. You never know what the future holds... and that's a scary thought at the moment.

But I've got my kiddo here - safe and sound - and my SOS was good when I left him at home so I don't really feel that I could ask for more than that. I think I can finally relax enough to rest now so I guess I'm going to bed.

uber-cuteness

Ahh, the cuteness. I bought two little gerbils today... that made me so happy - I've been missing having a fuzzy to love on. They are so freakin' adorable! I (of course) bought the one who bit the shit out of me yesterday... and I let my Shadow pick out the other one. He picked the smallest one they had and named her (or him - maybe his nuts just aren't visible yet), Toad. The name he considered before that was Laverta. ??? He's so strange sometimes. 😂

Anyway, his is a blonde color, very pretty, with dark eyes and ears. Mine is a sort of brown with a caramel-colored triangle on his lower back and on his head some... the only one in there who had such distinct markings. He was pretty easy to recognize and he came up to me when I put my hand in the cage before I bought him so maybe he recognized me, too. I suppose that's unlikely, but I'm gonna believe he knew who I was if only by taste alone. 😂 And speaking of distinctness... mine is definitely a boy. I've been trying to think of a name for him all night and I think I just came up with something. I shall call him Testiclees. YES! That's perfect! Testiclees and Toad... that works. 😁

Anyway, they are pretty friendly... no one has been majorly bitten (yet) and I'm so happy I got them. I'm going to get an aquarium for them tomorrow after work... right now they're in a temporary plastic thing, but they don't seem to mind. It's not too cramped or anything so I think they'll be fine until tomorrow. So yeah, I decided against a cage; I did a lot of reading today and learned that an aquarium would actually be more suiting because it would keep the drafts off them (they're desert animals), and keep them from making a huge mess (they dig and burrow a LOT). And a 10 gallon tank at Wal-Mart was about $10.00 so that's more in my budget - and it would be plenty of room for them so that's what I'm gonna do.

Well, that's about all I have to talk about... it was the highlight of my day; nothing else fun or interesting happened - I just went to work. Yay for work!? Nah. Anyway, maybe I can put up some pics of them soon and that way you can see the uber-cuteness for yourself. Laterz!

Ow, I'm confused. O_O

Here is the play by play of a conversation I just had with my boss (apparently, I was in outer space):

Me: Hey, is Martin Luther King Day the same as Good Friday?

Jack: *confused expression* ... Do you even know what Good Friday is?

Me: Umm, the day after Fat Tuesday?

Jack: *mouth drops in look of complete bafflement* Uh, no. Fat Tuesday is the end of Mardi Gras, I think. 

Me: Yeah, and Good Friday is the day you have to be good after you eat a lot on Tuesday, right? ... ? ... Wait, I'm thinking of Thursday. ... I'm confused.

Jack: Good Friday is the Friday before Easter. It's supposed to be the day that Jesus rose up from the grave... or something like that.

Me: *finally realizing how dumb I was being* Oh, so I take it Martin Luther King wasn't there?

*******************************************

Ok, maybe no one will think that was funny, but everyone in the office here had a good laugh (at my expense, of course). I must've been having a goofy moment or something.

Aahhh :)

Wow... just wow. I feel pretty happy lately. No, wait - I feel really happy lately; the good kind of happy... the content kind of happy (that's the best kind). You know what I'm talking about... when your guts feel relaxed and your heart feels light and your head can't interfere with any of it... It's amazing.

Last night was good; I spent most of the afternoon with Nick and his family. It was so nice. I've kind of been missing them, too, so it was good to see them. And there were puppies there (9 puppies!) so that made my day to be able to play with them. And they were so adorable!!! I miss having a fuzzy! But that was good enough. The weather was awesome and it was so relaxing to sit outside and play with cutie widdle puppy dogs. 😄 Then we went in and had chili. Grandmother made it - and you know anyone named Grandmother can cook so that was some good chili. A few more people were there that I haven't seen in a while and it was nice to sit there and eat chili and just catch up for a while. I felt like I was at home.

And then there was this morning. WHOA. It was freakin' beautiful out. The sun was shining and there was a cool breeze... the kind that let's you know autumn is here (or about to be; I don't keep up with exactly when it starts). But it was the kind of breeze with the cold in it... very refreshing. Anyway, this morning was the kind of morning that made me want to call in to work and look for reasons to be outside enjoying the day. I hope this evening is just as nice... *sigh*

Well, I guess that's about all. Believe it or not I get this sappy a lot. I just don't always talk about it. Then everyone would know what a softie I really am. 😂