I'm still struggling, but enjoying some rest.

I'm still struggling, but enjoying some rest.  I've gone from utter despair / apathy to discontentment / anxiety.  I guess that's improvement.

I'm having some pretty serious pain in my pelvic area recently; I believe that I'm trying to give birth to my IUD.  Along those lines I also applied for and received full Medicaid, so at least I can see a doctor if I need to (which I am tomorrow because this pain is so sharp I get tears in my eyes).  I'm not excited about the possibility of losing the IUD I wanted for like, 10 years and finally got about 3 years ago.  I'm even less excited about trying to find another non-permanent, non-hormonal form of birth control.  I legit do not understand how it is almost 2018 and there are so few birth control options that are not barriers or hormones.

Other than that I've been spending a lot of time with Shaun, the kids, and the animals.  It's been really nice to connect and re-focus my attention.  When life gets hard, it's so much easier to mindlessly scroll through on social media as a distraction than to put energy and effort into interacting with whoever is around me.  I feel like that was one reason it is really beneficial for me to disconnect and pull back from here some because I'd just fallen into a rut of what felt like endless scrolling, looking for something to be interested in, which wasn't working because I was depressed and not a lot of things were interesting.  So being away is allowing me to focus what little energy I have into what is important, which is self-care and my family.

Oddly enough, my brain has felt really bored.  The last two days I've really been wanting some math to do.  LOL  I might go play around on Khan Academy to keep my math skills sharp with no consequences if I crap out.  I would think that since my major is Computer Science that I'd want to practice my programming, but honestly what I'm really missing is my Statistics class.  It was really interesting to me to see real-life applications of Calculus; how finding the areas under the curve of a graph with integration actually gave you answers to real-world problems.  I'm not waffling on my choice of major, but classes like that make me want to learn more math and how to use it.  I still think that going back for a masters in math one day is on the table.

Anyway.  I'm up super late because I didn't sleep last night due to pelvic pain, so I ended up sleeping most of the day, which I didn't mind because Kira was sick, then Shadow was sick, and now I'm coughing and all that, too.  Maybe being able to rest will help me shake it.  For now I'm off to shower and sleep some more.  I'm hoping the doctor that I see in the morning will be able to help me, but in all likelihood he will refer me to a gynocologist, so I don't know.  For now I am ok-ish, but sitting or moving the wrong way triggers waves of contraction-like cramps in my cervix area.  So as usual my life is rainbows and sunshine.  /sarcasm

I hope you all are doing well.  If you're not, I'm super sorry.  Things will get better, probably.  I don't know, but that is what I'm tending towards believing right now.  Life is a roller-coaster; there are ups and downs.  We just have to hold on until things swing in our favor, right?  ❤