I hate my baby momma.

I can think of two great guys right off the top of my head who have every right to say that, but they don't. Why? Because they are great, DECENT guys. Guys that don't deserve to be walked on. Guys who deserve to see their children. Guys who would do anything to take care of and be there for the ones they love. But they are not even given the option because of stupid baby's mommas.

Guy #1's Story: His girlfriend of (at least) two years left him. Then she wanted to come back and he took her back. Then she was pregnant. They were both excited and happy, they got married, and finally the baby was born. Guy #1 joined the military in order to support and provide a better life for his family and what did his wife do? Took the baby (while he was in boot camp and didn't know what was going on), went to another state, gave the baby away (luckily to a family member of the guy), and disappeared. Now Guy #1 is in the military, doesn't get to see his child, and is having to deal with the stress of that plus a divorce. 

Guy #2's Story: He and his girlfriend both wanted a baby and they made one. They bought a house together and things were good. He SO wanted to be there for her... go to doctor appointments, hear the baby's heart beat, really be there for it all. Long story short, she moved out, started avoiding him, and despite his many efforts he doesn't get to see his child until it's almost six months old... and then only every other weekend by an order of the court.

WHAT GIVES? When I was pregnant I would've given anything to have my child's father there with me - trying his best to take care of us and wanting to be a family. These girls obviously didn't know what they had. Even if you don't want a relationship with a person you don't have to completely screw them over. WTF.

All I can say is that these two girls gave up a lot - whether by making bad choices or just not knowing what the hell they wanted before it was too late to turn back. For example, the wife of Guy #1 could be living it up in Hawaii this very moment with her husband and her daughter by her side. The girlfriend of Guy #2 could be living on her own, in her own house, with him. Not with her parents (which I know from experience doesn't work for long. Mama's tend to bump heads over babies and grand-babies).

I hope both of these stupid females are happy with the situations they've created for themselves - and more importantly - their children. Not only could these kids have everything they need, but they could have their fathers in their lives - fathers that WANT to be there, which not all children are lucky enough to have. If you don't believe me I know a kid you could ask.

The games people play.

Take me, for instance. I have this game I play every time I go to a drive-through lane at a bank. I try to guess which lane will have a pen left in the thing that gets sucked through the tubes... and if I'm right I WIN THE PEN.

Yes, I take it. EVERY TIME.

So far my score (in pens) is 12. 😂

Blondie

Well... more sad news. I can't believe I'm doing this twice in one day. *sigh* So I was cleaning the gerbils' cage today and noticed that Blondie was missing. We freaked out thinking that she'd escaped and looked for her for a few minutes. Well, I had to finish cleaning the cage so I got back to it thinking I'd see her scurrying about in the room before long. *sigh* Had she gotten out that would've been a better alternative than what happened next. I found her buried in the cage - not moving. I'm not sure how long she'd been that way, but it had to be a day or two, at least.

We're not sure what happened to her... we were thinking she might have been preggers again so she may have had complications with that or something. Her bottom half was kind of red so maybe that's what it was. I didn't see any babies, though. Honestly I'm just pretty baffled. I hadn't paid attention to the fact that I haven't seen her out playing lately because they tend to rest and not come out so much before they give birth. I figured if I hadn't seen her that's what was going on. Also, she looked a lot like Toad so I may have just thought I'd seen her out but really didn't.

Well, the saddest part is that Shadow was right there when I found her and those gerbils are like his babies. He cried and I felt terrible. I'd been thinking I was going to give Blondie's first litter away, but I told Shadow we'd keep them all since they were a part of her. Speaking of - I also told him we'd find a way to keep her. *sigh* I wonder if the crematorium offers a two-for-one deal. (Sadly, that was not a joke).

Octavious the Midnight Cowboy

I have sad news. Octavious the Midnight Cowboy passed away last night. He'd been sick for a week or so and we tried our best to get him well. I didn't realize it until lots of reading over the last few days, but hedgehogs are prone to SO many illnesses. At first we thought he may have had a bacterial infection so we washed him. That didn't work. Then we thought maybe he was having a food allergy and switched his food, but that did no good, either. Over the weekend we gave him Pedialyte (recommendation from a vet), but his condition got much worse, very fast - despite our best efforts. I found a vet over the weekend who'd seen hedgehogs before and was planning to take him for a visit today, but he didn't make it. I'm really sad and it's in the back of my mind that somehow I should've done more for him. Hedgies can get sick in so many ways... from mild things like allergies and sinus infections to tumors, cancer, and the wobbly disease.

*sigh* I hate to say it, but it's almost a relief that he's gone. He looked SO miserable and pitiful and I really don't think a vet could've helped him by the time I found one that could see him. I hate to see an animal suffer. For anyone who's curious we're keeping him... he's off to be cremated today and after that he'll have his very own spot above our fireplace. I don't know what more to say other than that he will be missed. Rest in peace, Tavi. You were a sweet fella.

I just got lotion in my eye and it hurts.

Also, it hurts A LOT to get toothpaste in your vagina. I would suggest not doing those things.

Anyway, I haven't written in a while and the urge has hit me to do so and... well - here I am. It will probably just be random crap that's on my mind so you've been warned.

SO... tax class isn't what I expected. It's taking up all my time - even on the days I don't have class because it isn't run very efficiently. It ticks me off a little... why do I spend 6 hours a week in class doing nothing and that much time PLUS some at home doing work? It just doesn't make any damn sense. I didn't sign up for that class to sit around, eat donuts, and gossip. I think I'm going to stop putting so much effort into it. I'm sure I can still do well regardless. On the bright side, though, Nick is turning out to be quite the Mr. Mommy for Shadow while I'm gone / busy. I knew he would. I'm a lucky girl. Yeah, I love the Nick. He's the bestest. It's OK to be jealous... I would, too.

I saw Amanda the other day... gosh, she was pretty as ever. It put a smile in my heart to hang with her for a while. It really felt like we'd never even missed a beat. I love that. She's turned into such a beautiful young woman.  To be around her the other day was interesting - I could picture her the way I remember and see her the way she is now. It's like she's the same, but different. (Yeah, I know I just stated the obvious). I can tell she's busted her ass since our time apart to get where she is... it's a weird thing to process when our last memories seemed so care-free. But I know the feeling... I've gone through a lot and worked very hard to get my life in order, too. I wonder if she sees the same thing when she looks at me... a grown-up version of someone you used to play with. It's kind of bizarre... it's had my mind all twisted for the last few days. I can't wait to see her again. 😊

So yeah I feel so friendly lately. I've gotta be honest - I'm not even sure of what I mean by that, but I feel it. I feel more accepting, I guess... more open. Whatever. It's there. People aren't getting to me like they used to... "Bring me the bitches, bring me the psycho's, bring me the ugly, bring me the just plain stoopid..." Those are the people I don't usually tolerate very well, but I've decided that they just need a hug. (Yes - my hugs cure ugly). Well, I have plenty to give. There's room for one more. Maybe I've been listening to too much Matisyahu lately...

"Let go, release, you hold the keys

Time we evaporate into the breeze

We are nothing, we are something

Let go, release, you hold the keys

It's time we evaporate into the breeze

We are nothing, we'll be something

Welcome to the desert of my soul

You can stay if you like

There's room for one more

There's room for one more"

Anyway, Shadow's doing well. He's looking all "Bugs Bunny" with all his new teeth and stuff. It's cute. He's growing up so fast. He's reading and spelling really well. He's been emailing Jajuan a lot... I can tell he misses him. We all do. 😞

You know I think it's time I learn to enjoy life more. I'm wayyy looking forward to the football game with Jill this weekend... also the prospect of seeing Amanda at some point. Nearer to Halloween us and some friends are going to Six Flags... and that is what I'm talkin' bout. Usually, I'm just too damn tired to bother having fun, but I think it's time for other things to take the back burner. I'm too young to not have a good time. Not that I'm miserable all the time or anything... Hell, I can clean my house and have a blast. But I can't build a friendship with my kitchen floor. At least I don't think I can. I haven't really tried I have to admit.

Plan to take me dancing in the near future. I've never been and I want to go. But don't get drunk and leave me stranded / scared. I'll never forgive you.

❤

Me, September 2006

*coughs* I'm Blu', and I like puppy breath.

ramble>

So I don't know if it's just the season or what, but I feel damn good lately despite the cough I'm getting and my never-ending sleepiness. I always feel kind of new - so refreshed this time of year - and I love it. I feel more like myself during the fall. I feel "in my element" you know?

Well, anyway, this blog will probably not be anything more than rambling about things going on in my life lately, but read it if you must. Today I was so caught up in my daydreaming while driving that I passed the place I was supposed to be going.  It's nice to know that I can still let myself wander like that occasionally... I have to try to be so on top of things all the time that I never do just relax and drift. Speaking of - I'm having the urge to walk. Just take myself and my mp3 player and go walking around the lake or something and enjoy the weather. It would probably be nice to have Scooter along for protection because I don't like to be alone, really.  No human company for this trip... it's too hard not to talk to a person and talking would defeat the purpose.

Lately I'm feeling kind of creative, or free, or productive... something good, anyway. I'm ready for a change in my life. I never really knew what I wanted out of life... I always thought it was so dumb in high school for the teachers and everyone to pressure the students into figuring out what they wanted to go to college for. I always felt really dumb, too - because of that. I really had no idea what I wanted to do with myself and am still not quite sure. My mom had pretty much ground it in me that I was going to Auburn upon graduation of high school to become a veterinarian. While I loved animals (and still do to this day) I don't think I'm quite cut out for that. Thank goodness for Shadow's arrival or I actually might have gone along with that. But, I stray.

I've been thinking of things I enjoy doing and I think I'd like to do more of that. There are a few websites that will pay you for articles that you write and I've always liked to write. I may not be great, but it's worth a shot. Also, I'm planning to become USDA licensed to breed animals - which I know I would greatly enjoy. And - just because I'm that big a dork - IF things fall into place I'll be taking a tax preparation course very soon so then I can do taxes this coming up season. That last one is kind of iffy because I'm not going way out of my way to do it. Another thing that's crossed my mind before that I haven't acted on is online classes. I need to check way more into that (help me, Jill), but it's a definite possibility, too. So yeah, I think if any of that works out that would mix things up a little. I'm so tired of feeling stagnate. So, I quit.

Anyway, another thing I'm feeling really good about is Amanda. I'm hoping to see her soon. That would be SO awesome. Whoa, and her birthday is coming up. And then, the day after that is the day that I met Nick 5 years ago (who, btw, just had a birthday). Wow. Those freakin' Virgos. Notoriously (if you follow astrology) Sags and Virgos are pretty opposite and don't often build lasting relationships. It's possible, but not without work. Well, I've always heard that if you don't have to work for it it's not worth having and I believe that. Truthfully, those have been (in my short little lifetime) the two most rewarding relationships I've ever had. Yes, they are WAY challenging at times, but I wouldn't give either of them up without a fight. To Nick (and Amanda although you don't have a myspace page that I know of) I love you. I really love you. A lot. 😊

And that being said, I think that is all I have to say. 😀

/ramble>