Taking a much - needed tortoise break. 🙂

Been doing homework for hours. Taking a much - needed tortoise break. 🙂

I just woke up.

I just woke up.  APPARENTLY, I slept all day.  After not sleeping for some days, I guess I needed that.

I feel mostly normal except that my heart is racing sometimes and my head is swimmy.  I feel slightly jittery and like I'm having a hard time controlling what my eyeballs do.

Other than that weirdness I guess I'm ok.  I'm not sure how effective I can be at doing anything (like homework) at the moment, but maybe I'll give it a shot.

So... last night was really bad.

So... last night was really bad.  Like, REALLY, REALLY bad.  I apparently had some sort of emotional breakdown.  I ugly cried uncontrollably for hours.  I did not sleep, again.  I was (and still am) very nauseated.  I have felt off-balance before, but last night I felt wildly unstable and it was scary.  I was straight up hysterical.  I think the stress / PMS / Prednisone combo kicked my ass and won.

I called Dr. Crawford this morning (who was not in), but her nurse said that I could stop my low dose of Prednisone cold-turkey.  As affected as I am by it I'm not sure if that's really for the best, but I am happy to not take it.  Unfortunately, my hips and knees hurt less than they have in a great long while, but I can deal with physical pain much easier than all of this not sleeping / feeling crazy business.

When I spoke to Dr. Crawford's nurse I also told them I was not going to take the methotrexate shot - and I'm not.  It's the same dosage that Dr. Edmond bumped me up to right before I saw Dr. Crawford - with one big difference:  The shot is taken all at once and that much methotrexate will wipe me out for the whole weekend.  Dr. Edmond had me taking half doses, twice a week with the pills.  It hadn't even had time to kick in so no one knows that it wouldn't have worked.

His plan fits better with my life right now so I called Dr. Edmond and they are calling in more methotrexate pills and folic acid for me.

I just can't afford to be out of commission for a whole weekend.  I have SO MUCH TO DO and I'm going to do it.  So.  I finally saw a specialist and now I'm not cooperating with her at all.  And that makes me feel like shit, but the plan she laid out is not working for my life right now.

To everyone who helped talk me down last night:  You are greatly appreciated.  Like - when I finish my schooling and become a millionaire - I won't forget you.  ❤

I thought it was bed time, but it's apparently "ugly cry" time.

Fuck.  I thought it was bed time, but it's apparently "ugly cry" time.  I am SO not ok right now.

I feel like I have no control over my life.  Doctors tell me what to do, school tells me what to do, work tells me what to do.  Shaun lets me pick where we eat at lunch.  That's all I got.

I don't know what's up - maybe it's the Prednisone mixed with PMS hormones, but I cannot stop crying.  Or maybe it's the stress of having more work and homework than I can feasibly do.  Or maybe it's the stress of having to work a certain number of hours to keep my food stamps, or either choose to put enough time into school to keep my GPA so I can afford to transfer to JSU and not have the whole rest of my life suck.  Or maybe it's the pain that I know I'll be in if I quit all of my medicine right now - which sounds like a damn good idea to me because FUCK THIS.  FUCK ALL OF THIS.  I didn't want Prednisone and I don't want the shot.  I am officially making making a choice.  One stupid, simple thing.  Just give me the goddamn methotrexate pills or I will go without.

It's so fucking late, but I can't sleep.  I'm going to curl up on the couch with some Algebra and see if I can distract my brain from hating everything ever right now.  Maybe if my brain is occupied my eyes will stop leaking. I really hope so.  Otherwise, my homework will get wet.  🙁

Today, I am much less hurt-y and hate-y...

Today, I am much less hurt-y and hate-y than I was earlier this week.  I have, however, been one hell of a grump.  I did not sleep well last night.  I think it may be due to the Prednisone because sleeping is THE ONE THING I'm usually good at doing.

So... tomorrow is the big day, y'all.  The day that I am supposed to stab myself with medicine.  I am already dreading it, like a big squeamish baby.  I swear I was not always this way.  😂😂😂

Anyone else out there ever have to do that?  Any tips?  I'm supposed to stab myself somewhere fat, like my belly or thigh.  Thinking of stabbing my belly makes me want to flop out of my chair and smash my face into the floor to get the thought out of my head - so thigh it is!

I seriously hope that I don't chicken out.  If I do Shaun will do it and he seems just a BIT TOO EXCITED at the thought of stabbing me.  So, I'd really rather do it myself.  It would be good if I could anyway - since I'm always with me and he's not.

HALP!  PLEASE!

Getting ready for work.

Getting ready for work.  Today is not as bad as yesterday.  Physically, anyway.  Emotionally, well - that's another story.  Some jackass in my Happy Tails Pet Recovery of Calhoun County group had me livid and in tears at 7:30 this morning.  I hope Keith Timmons feels great about that.  As if it's not bad enough that I was cussed up one side and down the other as well as insulted (on my page AND via PM) by another person in the group last night.  Oh, and now Keith is sending me messages, too.  People just can't get enough.

The rules there are simple:  Post lost and founds only - for the sole purpose of reuniting pets with their owners.  I don't know why some people can't understand that.  It's not complicated.

Anyway.  I was blamed for more people not helping animals because I am "extreme."  No.  The reason that more people don't help is because people are ignorant and lazy and irresponsible and they don't feel any obligation whatsoever to make even a small change in the way they do things for the greater good.

So there's that, but then also the fact that rescue people BURN OUT. That can be attributed to usually one or two things:  1)  It is psychologically damaging to a person for them to witness pain and suffering on a continuous basis.  It's called secondary-traumatic stress disorder and it's a real thing.  It causes depression and suicide.

So not only is there THAT, but there is a big # 2), which is:  There are the people who make life hard for rescue people.  Such as harassing and cursing them when they do something that the person doesn't like.  Rescue people who have been doing this for a while have rules in place for a reason and do things the way they do FOR A REASON.  I'm terribly sorry if rescue is not your thing and you don't understand, but I literally don't have time to explain myself repeatedly.  If you have a question - ask it - and I'm more than happy to answer... but arguing with me because you don't like how I do things and insulting me gets you nowhere.

So NO - I am not the reason that anyone chooses not to rescue or help animals and anyone who thinks that is a dumbass.  People who truly want to help WILL FIND A WAY.

Yay Ibuprofen!

Yay Ibuprofen!  Looks like I'll get a whopping 5 hours of sleep tonight.  That'll be better than last night.  I'll take it.

My knees are being stubborn, but the lower back is cooperating.  At least I'll be able to make myself somewhat comfortable.

Goodnight, FB.  FINALLY.