So... 45 minutes of Shaun listening to me...

So... 45 minutes of Shaun listening to me curse and whine, building me up, bribing me, drawing a circle on my leg so I would know where to aim, videoing all of my bullshit so I wouldn't be a weenie (which did not work)... and I failed.

I psyched myself up, pressed down, pushed the button, and... it made a noise, I jumped, and medicine went everywhere.  NOWHERE in that stupid video was there a noise.  It looked like it would go slowly and quietly into me, squirt out the medicine, and that's it.  That is not what happened.

It did break skin.  I have no idea how much, if any, of the medicine made it inside me.  Now my freaking leg hurts - and probably for no reason.  Screw this shit.  I am pissed and tired and have zero intentions of doing that again.

Shaun says he's proud because I did it.  He's still getting me nail polish.  He wants me to try again with another one, but at this moment I don't think that will happen.  Maybe I will hate everything less in the morning, but I doubt it.  🙁

Later, friends.  I'm gonna go and be angry until I fall asleep.  ❤

I am going to THROW UP.

I am going to THROW UP.

Shaun is bribing me to stab myself with Waffle House and Nail Polish.  And it's kind of working.  But I am still scared.  😳

I'm just gonna sit here...

I'm just gonna sit here, pantsless, in case I grow some balls suddenly.

I am frustrated and annoyed today. 🙁

I am frustrated and annoyed today.  🙁

I called Dr. Crawford's office since I hadn't heard back about medicine.  The lady I talked to (who I'm assuming was a nurse) asked me why I wouldn't take the Prednisone so I told her it made me sleepless and crazy.  She said, "How about half the dose?"  I told her I'd taken that for days until my pain returned and I was still unable to sleep.  So then she said "How about half a pill?"  I was just like, "If a whole pill didn't help, then why would I do that?"  So then she said "Ok" and we moved on.

She asked me about taking the methotrexate injection - which I haven't done.  I've been taking my pills because that's easier for me to manage.  I told her that I could not afford to buy the injections so she put me on hold and then came back and said that she could switch me to something else.  She told me to look up Otezla and let her know if I wanted to try that.

I called my insurance company and they said that their system for looking up what my copay would be is down, but that it was hard to get approved for that drug.  They want to know from the doctor WHY I need it and then they have to approve it before I can get it filled.

So my guess is that it would also be a $40 copay - like the methotrexate injection.  If it is then I also cannot afford it, either.  I called the nurse back and told her that and she said that there was a card or something that would knock $25 off, but that would still be $15 / week, which is $60 - $75 / month, unless I'm just misunderstanding something entirely.

So... I can't afford $60 - $75 a month for this shit.  I fail to understand why I can't just keep taking my methotrexate pills.  Yes, they may be a little less effective, but I'm a poor person and that's what I get, right?  I get what I can pay for.  I take what I can get.  That is the way the world works, right?  I'm used it and it's fin so I just don't understand.

I do not know what I am supposed to do, but I am frustrated - trying hard not to feel angry right now.  I am gonna go take a shower.  Somebody, tell me what the hell to do while I'm gone.  Please and THANK YOU.

Algebra class was this morning.

Algebra class was this morning.  Apparently a B was NOT bad.  Sounds like a lot of people did worse.  😕  I guess me and Hali are representing for Munford!  😃

The teacher said she thought this was one of the harder tests of the semester so that's a relief.  Maybe I will end with an A after all.  🙂

Back when I was diagnosed with PSA...

Back when I was diagnosed with PSA I joined Inspire, a health and wellness support group.  I guess they have groups for every kind of illness.  I don't really know.  But if you're not ok, maybe you should go there and check it out.

I posted there recently because I just feel super not ok.  Apparently, I'm in "the Gap" - that horrible place when you're in pain and your medicine hasn't kicked in yet.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not glad that others are feeling this way, but it's kind of a relief to be able to talk with some people who have the same condition and are living proof that it can (and does) get better.

One of the ladies who has PSA and was also a nurse said that when I talk to my doctor tomorrow I should ask for her to prescribe an NSAID for me to take with my methotrexate.  I think I will.  Also, I found (many hours after the fact) that I missed a call from Dr. Crawford's office so I will call them back right after class tomorrow.  Maybe they don't have bad news for me.

This probably sounds totally weird, but you know how if you have sensitive teeth and you drink something cold - that pain it causes in your teeth?  If Shaun even so much as rests his hand on my thigh I feel that same kind of pain in my knees.  Like my knees have sensitive teeth and his hand is ice water.  I don't know what that means and I'm just too tired to Google it this evening.  It's probably nothing good, though.  😕

After today I am starting to worry that my right knee has become damaged from the inflammation.  I'm having trouble navigating stairs now.  This morning I actually started to consider the possibility that I might need a cane if things don't improve soon.  I guess that's ok.  At least I would have something on hand with which to beat people who invade my space.  😂😂😂

Or it could just be that I'm rebounding because I took steroids.  I have no way to know.

Anyway.  I'm heading to bed.  I feel exhausted.

P. S.  I'm sorry that I'm so whiny and negative.  I just feel pretty devastated right now.  Unfollow me for a while if you need to.  I'm having a hard time thinking about anything other than ways to get through this.  ❤

Been watching Star Trek Voyager...

Been watching Star Trek Voyager and just sat down to start on the new OITNB.  Red sounded really familiar.  Captain Janeway!  WHATTT!?  My mind is blown.  😳