This is the apologetic face...

This is the apologetic face of someone who was chilling beside me, but then jumped up so suddenly that she headbutted me in the face. 😂😂😂

Worry not, goofy-head. You are always forgiven. 😍😍😍💗💗💗

Today was stressful.

Today was stressful. I was supposed to do my presentations this morning (one solo, one with a partner), but that didn't happen. I guess plans changed and I didn't get the message before I drove to school. My project partner can't take off work again, so I guess I'll be presenting our joint one alone. Woo.

I missed Kira's appointment with her new stomach doctor this morning because I thought I was doing presentations at school. Despite money being tight, Shaun took off work to take her. At least it seems like she has a better doctor this time. He's ordering both an endoscopy and a colonoscopy for her - she's got those appointments coming up starting next week. Hopefully, we'll get her stomach issues worked out soon.

After I saw that I wasn't presenting my projects I came home to study for my test that was this afternoon. I am sure I didn't make an A and a B seems unlikely. If I had to guess I would say I might have been in the C range. I'm pretty sure I didn't fail it, at least. We shall see. It was in Organization and Architecture, which I've been doing fine in all semester.

I got home around 5. I saw that "King of the Hill" is on Hulu now, so I put that on the TV and just chilled out until Shaun got here. I tried all evening to work up the motivation to paint my nails, but I never could. I've been a lump. I think the peak of this day is going to be the shower I'm about to take. I'm just beat. I'm so tired and stressed. With school, politics, the kid's health, and money, I guess it's to be expected.

Anyway. I'm off. Goodnight, all. ❤

I made a 94 on the last Linear Algebra exam

Both of my bettas have made bubble nests.

Shaun, Shadow, Kira, and I went out for breakfast...

Read this post. The change is noticeable.

Read this post. The change is noticeable.

TLDR; Things change. People change.

Two years ago (2016) I had trouble believing that I actually could attend JSU. Though I don't believe in fate I never felt that it was "meant" for someone like me. I started there Fall of last year, so I'm just over 1 year in as of now.

One year ago (2017) I was BROKEN. I was NOT ok. Leaving Gadsden State was HARD; Student Support Services @ GSCC had become an important part of my life, and the people there helped me in so many ways. It was so scary to be away from them, but I couldn't let that stop me. I'd worked so hard to get to JSU. That one transition alone was tough enough, but then it was made even harder by the fact that so many changes took place that first semester.

My family changed - I lost a very dear member, trailing several back-to-back losses of very dear souls. I gained one very special family member in September who was still dealing with that transition when tragedy struck her relatives, leaving her suddenly in the same day losing an aunt and a brother. I'd left my full-time job of 9 years to pursue my education, which was a huge leap of faith not only in myself but in my relationship with Shaun. So a lot of things were terrifying and different and wrong and it all came to a head when I lost my composure over a LINEAR ALGEBRA TEST in DSS @ JSU.

I was scheduled to take an exam there and I knew that I was going to fail it. With everything that was going on I hadn't studied like I needed to. Since I was there early I asked if I could sit on the couch in DSS and study for a few minutes. The nice lady told me no, but that I could walk to the TMB and study there. I told her that I could not. She tried to tell me that it was just around the corner, but I repeated to her that I couldn't go as I began to shake with tears welling up. She asked if I was ok and I wailed "No!" and started crying uncontrollably.

In that moment I was not embarrassed or ashamed. I was truly and completely overwhelmed to the point of mental breakdown - I literally couldn't have made myself walk to the TMB or do anything else - not one single thing. I was empty. I was more stressed than I'd ever been. I needed help. The universe sent it in the form of Mr. Len, who was a counselor just returning from lunch. He talked to me. He consoled me. He looked shocked when I told him the things that were happening in my life. He called and made an appointment at Student Health for me, which I kept. The doctor put me back on antidepressants and I survived. I dropped Linear Algebra, but I survived.

Now (2018) things have settled. JSU feels good and right to me. I'm learning a lot and I no longer feel like it's "not meant for me." I feel as though I've earned my place there. I no longer talk about graduation in terms of "if" - instead it's "when." (May 2020 is the goal). I'm counting down semesters (there's basically 3 after this one, not counting summer). I'm more than halfway to a Bachelor's degree. There are still some hard classes coming my way, but I've come too far and fought too hard to let that stop me.

The largest hurdle by far has been the mental blocks and the personal growth it's taken to get to the mindset of "I can probably do this." I've made a lot of sacrifices - time with family and friends, hobbies, helping animals - but I keep telling myself that it will be worth it one day. Change is hard - even positive change. I've been struggling with that since starting at Gadsden State. For the majority of this time on top of classes, my brain has been struggling to process the fact that I might actually earn a degree and launch a career. I've always thought myself to be an open-minded person, but changing my mind about my own limitations has proven incredibly difficult.

Anyway, that's enough deep-thinking and reflection for a Saturday morning. I'm off to do homework and chill.

Linear Algebra exam tomorrow.