Today started off pretty rough.

Today started off pretty rough.  I took my Cymbalta yesterday morning but still didn't really sleep last night; maybe a couple of hours here and there.  I woke up feeling like I was going to get a migraine, but thankfully took medicine in time to head it off.  I managed to not nap today; the kids came over and kept me company (and raided the kitchen, of course).  😂  It was good to see them.  Now it's late and I'm sleepy, so that's good timing.  I hope I get some rest tonight because I have class in the morning.  In any case I talked to my doctor and she recommended staying with taking it in the mornings and made sure to let me know I could try something else if this doesn't work out.  I'm not ready to give up on it yet, though.

In other news:  I really really love Shaun.  The other night when I was trying to sleep and I heard him getting ready for work I wanted to tell him "Good morning!" or "I love you" or anything, but I was afraid to rouse myself out of the pitiful semi-sleep I'd been able to achieve, so I didn't.  His schedule is all weird; at his job they are trying to keep the employees away from one another by everyone working a different shift (it's a very small company), so he's going in at 3 in the morning.  It sucks for him to have to go to work so early, but better safe than sorry.

He's been so great to me, even through my depression when I'm just a lump doing its best to keep existing.  He brings me food and does things for me when I'm struggling.  And he's so beautiful to me, with his muscles and his shapes and his fur.  His face is my favorite face ever.  I'm so happy that even after 12 years together my heart still gets happy when he comes home.  I know this is not an easy time for him.  

He's been majorly depressed since Trump was elected.  BLM has affected him.  His dad isn't doing that well and wants him around, but the pandemic makes that scary and stressful.  I wish I could help him with any of that, but instead I'm a depressed lump that probably doesn't make his life easier.  I really don't know why he still likes me, but I'm glad that he does.  I hope that I can be better soon, and that school will pay off, and life will be easier and better - at least in some ways.  But for now I'm gonna go and empty and reload the dishwasher so he doesn't have to see a mess when he wakes up.  That's the best I can offer today.

I think I invited...

I think I invited most of my nail art peeps who would be interested in these custom stamping plates to the group for purchasing, but if not, there's going to be a second round of orders so comment below if you want in. I received my plates today and they look great.

Oof. Took Cymbalta before bed.

Today was pretty good.

Today was pretty good.  I did my daily chores before 4 pm (and even did some laundry), got some studying / homework done, and showered.  I'm going to brush my teeth shortly and call it a night.

I consider this a win because I did the things I had to do - plus some extra - and I only napped once.  🙂

My first day on Cymbalta wasn't bad.

My first day on Cymbalta wasn't bad.  I did get a little nauseated this morning after I took it.  I napped several times today, so maybe I should be taking it at night.  We'll see.  I've felt a constant... I don't quite want to say "buzzing," but something in my muscles.  Almost like right before I get caffeine jitters, except the jitters never come.  It's far less bothersome and intrusive than jitters, whatever it is.  Maybe this is just what having some energy feels like for the first time in a while.  My head has felt only very slightly swimmy.  My appetite was pretty low.  My skin ALMOST feels tingly, but not quite.

Overall, today wasn't bad.  I should have studied more and slept less, but I'm being patient with myself.  I know that my brain and my body are going through some things and that can't be helped.  I just have to roll with it and do the best I can.  That has served me well so far, so I guess that's the plan.

I had a telehealth appointment today about my depression.

Two things:

Two things:

1. This is not a public post, so discretion is appreciated.
2. I am not ok and I definitely need advice if you have it.

I will try to keep this short, but we'll see if I can manage it.

Some of you may remember me saying that FIL was hospitalized last week (I think it was last week; I honestly have no concept of time lately, thank you depression).  He got home late last week and called us to come and see him on Saturday.  He knows we've not gone anywhere except for necessary places since March, but this sounded pretty serious, so we donned gloves and masks and went.

He told us that he has 10% heart function and there is nothing else that can be done for him.  (He's 81 and has had heart attacks and surgeries and procedures since he was in his forties, I guess).  He then showed Shaun what he wanted to be buried in and where his will was.  He was very emotional and it sounded pretty grim.  I'm guessing that he was close to dying when he went to the hospital and that scared him.

He told us we need to visit him every few days now.  He says he tested negative for COVID at the hospital, which is nice; HOWEVER, he's also resumed going to church (no masks required), having visitors over (I doubt they're wearing masks), stopped for food on the way home from the hospital, is going into Wal-Mart for groceries even though we offered to pick them up for him, AND forgot his mask and went in the pharmacy the other day rather than being patient and going through the drive-thru.  He says he's being careful, but his recount of his actions say otherwise.

If visiting FIL was stressful and anxiety-inducing before the pandemic (Shaun's pretty much the black sheep of the family), then doing it now is like, I don't even have the words.  We both come home with stress headaches from trying to stay vigilant about what is safe.  FIL doesn't make it easy.  He wants us to "try this watermelon" (we'd have to take off our masks) or "come look at this map" (getting closer to him than 6 feet away) and of course, we hug him goodbye.

I am torn between feeling selfish for not wanting us to catch COVID from him and how to be good to him and respect his wishes in what, I'm guessing he in a roundabout sort of way is trying to tell us are his last days?  I don't even know.  How long can a person live in his condition?  If it's so bad, why did he refuse to let us get him groceries so that he doesn't have to do the work or expose himself to COVID?  Why won't he let one or both of us stay out there just in case?  We offered and would have been glad to do it.  I just don't understand what is happening, but I know that Shaun and I can't do this for long.  Our mental health isn't going to allow it.

My antidepressants are failing me and this extra stress has just about put me down.  I slept for 19 of the past 24 hours.  I am not ok and I am so grateful that I have an appointment with the doctor soon.  I'm already thinking about dropping my Spanish class because I don't see how I'm going to be able to keep up with 2 classes when my full-time job seems to be depression sleeping.  I just really need help.  I don't know what to do.