Friday was pretty good aside from Ruth Bader Ginsburg dying. I felt good and had energy. Shaun and I even went for a walk. Afterwards, I was in my room watering plants when I heard the news that she passed away. My heart sank immediately. I felt sick. I cried.
The stress and sorrow carried over into yesterday, waking me up early with a migraine brewing and no real hope of being a productive person. I felt like trash all day. I struggled to get my few daily chores done. I did them, but that's it. I abused my body by eating junk food. I numbed my mind with goofy social media where I knew there would be no politics discussed.
Today, I am still holding tension in my body. I did sleep plenty, but I had nightmares. Unfortunately, even though I can wake up and mentally be glad those weren't real, my body holds the stress and that messes me up. I'm about to take some Tylenol and do some stretches. Then I'm going to tend to a few baby plants and do some math. RBG wouldn't roll over and give up, so I won't, either.
In case anyone hasn't noticed (which, how can you not, with all of the articles going around and with friends and family falling into / deeper into depression) but a lot of Americans are super fragile right now, mental-health wise. I think that if you're not feeling mentally unwell, you're either ignorant or choosing not to believe that things are bad for a lot of people. Or if you do believe it you just don't care about people who aren't like you, which is even worse. If any of that offends you, don't come for me. Do some self-reflection instead.
I was super lucky, (and that IS what it is - LUCK) that I have friends who care for me enough to look out for my mental health, and who are also connected enough to help me. Through an amazing friend I was set up with a fantastic doctor who is helping me keep my mental health on track at a fee I can afford, despite my non-insured status. I am grateful. If it wasn't for these two wonderful humans I have zero doubt that depression would have won and ruined my life. I was not a functional person before switching medication; there is no way I'd be ok enough to pass my class this semester or be fit enough to be hired without medical intervention.
Personally, I don't feel that any citizen of a supposed first-world country should have to rely on luck to make it though life. That is not fair. There is no equity or equality in luck. And DO NOT chime in with, "But you deserve..." I loathe the word "deserve," at least in the way that most Americans use it. I am a hard worker, but I know a lot of other hard workers, too, who are slipping through the cracks and I am no more deserving of help or care or compassion than they are. Our government is broken. Our people are suffering and dying. We are living in the Divided States of Embarrassment.
