I'm about to say something and it might make some of you think less of me. But I am who I am: A chronic over-sharer who can't keep a secret. So, here we go.
This morning Shadow came downstairs and caught me and Shaun doing something weird. 😆 Well, to him it seemed weird, obviously. He threw his hand out, looked the other way, and said loudly "I just need some water!" and proceeded into the kitchen looking away from us. I explained to him what was happening so his mind didn't get crazy on him since he was trying to get some rest after getting off work.
Look. I'm not gonna drag this part out until the end. I'm just gonna say it:
After the shortage was declared over, I started Semaglutide for weight loss. I was prescribed it by a company called Lavender Sky. It gets compounded with B-12 and sent to me from a pharmacy in TX. It doesn't go through my insurance; I am paying out of pocket for it. I just took dose 2 today. So far, so good. The only thing I've noticed so far is that I feel fuller for longer. I'm not having any negative side effects yet. These are just the loading doses and I have patience for days, so I'm not worried if I don't see a difference in the mirror for a while.
I have no issue with anyone being whatever size they are happy with being, but I haven't felt like myself in a long time - probably pushing 10 years. Having a sedentary job helped me gain weight. The stress of college + working + depression + untreated Psoriatic Arthritis was a quadruple combo that really messed me up, and that was all going strong by 2015. The stress didn't let up, and in fact, intensified at times, before I graduated. We got Kira, but that came with a lot of tension; the transition was one thing, but the worry of losing her was something else; we lost Shaun's mom and also his dad; of course we lost some pets during those years; and we were SUPER broke because by 2017 Shaun was the only one working when I had to go full time to school for scholarship purposes. Then the pandemic! I don't honestly think things let up for us until 2022 after I got the job I wanted and started making money.
There are lots of reasons that people gain weight, and there are lots of reasons they don't lose it. For me, food was a comfort. Especially restaurant food. That's not something I was able to indulge in often as a single parent, but after me and Shaun got together in 2008 it became more of a regular thing. But I was still young and active and had a good metabolism - for a while, anyway. Once depression started hitting, I was basically eating garbage just to boost my brain. I remember when Scooter got sick and I would eat a box of brownies a day for a while. I remember in college when I was stressed and I'd eat like, 6 drumstick ice creams in a row while watching King of the Hill on repeat because I just couldn't function. That was my norm on and off for years. It eased up some after I started being treated for anxiety and depression, but unfortunately, the habits and cravings remained. And for all I know, weight gain could also be a side effect of those medications, but I do not dare go off them.
Over the years I have tried to lose weight, but it never budged. I've always hated counting calories, but I really enjoyed fasting. It cleared my skin and helped my bone pain. It gave me energy and a sense of control, for once. But fasting doesn't work if you don't stick to it, and especially if you binge afterwards. I am great at having self-control - for a short time. But when it's gone, it's GONE. (This is how I know I'd make a great addict.) So I never actually made any progress with weight loss, but many times it has helped me manage my psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis.
Anyway, I've read a lot about Semaglutide and a lot of people who are on it say that it helps to quiet "food noise." I probably won't know if I have that until it's gone, but I suspect that I do. I've also read that it helps some people with things like alcohol addiction or addictive behaviors in general. Other people have even said that they have less inflammation on it. It hasn't been tested or approved for any of those things (or even weight loss), but I want to try it and so I am. I know that compounding pharmacies have a certain time until they aren't supposed to make it anymore, but I don't care. I will buy it off the gray market if it helps me. 🤷
I want to start feeling like myself again. I've been walking and strength training all year (which I know isn't super long at this point), but I haven't seen any progress on fat loss (though I can tell my arms are stronger). I truly suspect that I messed up my hormones by being stressed to the breaking point for so many years. I sacrificed my body to strengthen my mind and get a better job - literally. In November of 2014, my psoriatic arthritis doctor told me to go to college and change my life. He said things wouldn't get easier if I didn't. He knew that financial stress was the biggest stress I had (causing flare-ups and pain), and he knew that I didn't have insurance. He literally looked me in my face, told me that I was smart enough to do it, and I just... believed him and then tried. I started college in January of 2015 and finished in December of 2020. I did that and I made it through; now I have the time and money to take care of my body, and I want to. If I can't, then what was all of that for?
I do feel better now that I am on thyroid meds, but I don't feel like that alone is going to enable me to make progress. And really, at this point, all I want is for my efforts to make a difference. I'm not asking this drug to be a miracle and just melt fat off my body. I'm willing and able to put in the work, but I definitely need help with getting my eating under control. With menopause looming around the corner, it's definitely not going to get easier and I HAVE TO get this under control or it's only going to get worse. I feel like it's now or never. Time is running out.
So Shadow walked in this morning on me failing, for the second time, to inject myself (in my belly fat roll) with my medicine. My shirt was on, my fat roll was out, Shaun was standing really close to my chair so I wouldn't fall out, (trying to support me and help me get up my nerve). I didn't think it looked that weird, though, so I don't know what Shadow thought was going on. 😂
It's such a stupidly tiny needle and I barely even feel it. I don't know why I can't just stick myself. I have had many piercings over the years, I like to watch my blood be taken, and I'm not scared of needles. I mean - my favorite plants are cactus and they stab me ALL THE TIME. But the thought of stabbing that itty bitty needle into my own flesh just gives me the jeeblies and I start to feel faint and nauseated. Shaun has given me both shots so far, and I've laid in the floor feeling like a nauseated, faint failure afterwards both times. 😂 It's so dumb. But I will keep trying.
Anyway, judge me all you want if that's your thing, but I'm tired of trying to do things "the hard way" and failing. I need help to make progress, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. I am using the willpower/motivation I have to wake up for work and to do my job and not buy nail polish or succulents and to take care of other things that are my responsibility. There is barely enough left to do my walking, Duolingo, and strength training in a day. As usual, I've put myself last on the list, but I am on there at least and getting help. So this is what I'm doing right now, and now you know. ❤
