:( This is just me whining / ranting / complaining.I gave you fair warning.

I should really be trying to sleep right now. But I'm not. I just wanted to write a few things... maybe clear my head...

So I'll start with my weekend. I saw a lot of people - some of which I haven't in a while. It was cool, I guess. But there were a lot more people around than I'm used to... people are just not my thing. But all in all I would say it went well. Except for my car. It was acting a little crazy. But more on that later.

Oh, and how could I forget... my sister-in-law called me up and said I had just a few hours to see my niece, Lana, (who's four months old and I helped deliver) before she leaves for Mississippi with her. WTF?? My brother gets out of boot camp next week and you're going to take his kid and leave? I haven't got to talk to him since he is in boot camp, but I really don't think he's gonna be happy about that. Anyway...

Sunday rolled around. My kiddo woke up sick... throwing up and pooping a lot. That was no good. I ended up going to Munford because my step-dad's a mechanic and he replaced my fuel filter or something and helped (my car - not Shadow), but not a lot. On to Monday...

I got to work, the boss asked me to go do production work (which in no way am I above doing) so I did. It's not fun except that I got to work near a friend so we could talk the whole day. Well, throughout the day I started feeling worse and worse. Finally at 2:00 I went home. It was maybe 10 minutes after that that I started puking and running to the toilet every few minutes. That was not fun. AT ALL. I didn't even make it in to work today which sucks for my paycheck, but I really still feel like crap. I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Now, about my car. It was doing this thing where it wouldn't go. Yeah - just wouldn't go. It would crank and then it would creep along at less than a mile per hour. Sometimes it would pick up speed, but not nearly fast enough. I'm talking - I'd be at a green light and start to go and be in the middle of the intersection when it turned red again. That SUCKED.  People were honking at me and passing me (which I couldn't blame them for), but damn.

Anyway, it finally quit on me tonight. I was stranded in Anniston for like two and a half hours. A kind stranger took us all to Nick's place (because I was taking him home and we made it pretty close to there) and my car wouldn't go up the hill. It would barely even go on flat ground. But anyway, my step-dad came up to Anniston in his big truck and took me and Shadow home and hauled my car to Munford so that he could check it out. I hope it gets fixed soon.

And - just to make me not want to sleep tonight (because I have a hard time doing so when my house is jacked up) my house is a disaster. A BIG one. There's a good reason for it and it's totally ok, but it's driving me crazy. And I'm too tired to even mess with it.

So... if you read all of this:  Thanks for listening to me be pitiful.

THE END

It's hard to dance like nobody's watching when they are.

This weekend was pretty good. I went to two parties Friday night and that was a nice change of pace. I'm not really a party kind of girl, but both of them turned out to be pretty mellow so I had fun. It was nice to just hang out and see some people that I don't often get to see. I think the highlight of my night had to be when I danced with Freddy Krueger. Well, I think it went more like I finally danced once and he stopped. I'm not sure about that, though. I wasn't really paying attention. I was too busy being nervous. I haven't danced in front of people since sixth grade. I haven't danced in front of an audience since I was way younger than that.

Yeah, for anyone who didn't know - and come to think of it that's probably a lot of people - I used to take ballet and do recitals when I was little. Oh, how I hated it. I cried on stage every time. My mom still makes fun of me to this day. Anyway, I was nervous and couldn't dance like nobody was watching - because indeed, they were. I suppose it could've been worse. I dunno about my "moves" but I do have rhythm, so... maybe I didn't look too much like an idiot. Hopefully it wasn't, like, Elaine from Seinfeld or anything. *shudder at the thought of that* I sure hope not.

Then, Saturday, I went out with Nick, Colin, Colin's wife Nancy, (who I wouldn't mind getting to hang out with more often), and his mom, dad, uncle, and nephew. We went to the Mellow Mushroom and that was some good pizza. It was nice to hang out with them... they're good people. It was a nice crowd. Ahhh, good times. Well, I guess that's about all that's happened to me this weekend that's worth mentioning.

My Shadow ROCKS!!!

I just wanted to stop in and say that my boy ROCKS!!! He came running out of the school yesterday when I came to pick him up, yelling, "I topped out, I topped out, mom!" I was all, "What does that mean?" and the teacher came out and told me that he has now completed all of his kindergarten reading work on the computer and he can start working on the first grade stuff. I was so proud! It's not even halfway through the school year. He's the best EVER! Anyway, I just wanted to stop in and brag a little. 😁

THE END

PMS *cries*

Why, yes - I am going to write about that. I want to talk about how I feel right now. I'm going to try to describe how I feel here because writing is about the only way I can articulate a thought into something anyone else can understand. When it comes to be my lovely time of the month to bleed, (which I do quite enjoy for the most part) I get very emotional. I don't really know how else to describe it other than maybe I just feel more sensitive or fragile. For the most part I feel like crying at everything. No matter what. And a lot of times it makes me feel better; other than I feel like a goober (after the fact) for crying over something like someone's bad breath or being ignored by a cat. Apparently I get bitchy, also, (as I proved yesterday), and that sucks. I hate the fact that I hurt people I care about by losing my temper over things that are not worth making a big deal over. I'm just... emotionally on edge. Some compassion towards me would be cool.

Physically, well... I can sum that up with one word: uncomfortable. My body just doesn't feel like it normally does. I want nothing more than to be somewhere warm with soft things all around. A warm body holding me would be even better, but I'm afraid my stand-offish or aloof thing that I get going on scares anyone away from wanting to be so near me. *sigh* But I'm sure it would make me feel better; it's like I crave it or something. Maybe I need a heating pad - at least that wouldn't be an asshole to me.  Anyway, here are a few things it wouldn't hurt for people to keep in mind:

• I do not want to be picked at.
• I do not want to be in public.
• I do not want to be alone (although I don't want many people around).

• I do want to be cuddled.
• I do want to be warm.
• I do want to be as comfortable as possible.

• I will cry.
• I will take things personally.
• I will get frustrated easily.

So, um... about the aloof or stand-offish thing that I get... I don't know how to explain that. I'm not necessarily unhappy, mad, sad, or whatever... I'm just something else that I don't know how to describe and that's just the reaction I've always had. I wish I knew what it was... I suppose I should do some research about that to see what I can come up with. Maybe I'll just use the word "down" to describe it for now... I'm not energetic or playful or tolerant... Ok, if anyone reads this and knows what I'm talking about please help me out. Tell me what it is. I would really like to talk to some people about this and see what we come up with... or maybe it's just me and I'm abnormal. Who knows.

... and the bafflement ensues.

Ok, well... I'm at work right now. I asked my boss this morning why he didn't tell me that we weren't working next week when I spoke to him on the phone last night and he said it's because some of us are. I happen to be one of the lucky few. The coworker who sent me the email was not (obviously).  I feel pretty good knowing that he needs me enough to keep me around (for now)... but I'm still worried about the future. I can't help but wonder if this company is going to go under. He keeps saying that things are going to get better soon, but I've been here for over a year and I just don't see that happening if he can't get our shit together. And besides - would he be honest with me? I don't trust him to do that. He's lied to me before.

I hate to feel so negatively about the situation, but it's really stressing me out. All in all this is not a bad job. It is my first "real" job out of school doing what I went to school for. Sure - I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing this, but I really don't feel like I'm ready to leave here just yet. And honestly I don't want to see this place go under. It has potential... we just need to get some things in order.

I guess my problem is that regardless of all that has happened I feel loyal to this place and I don't really think I can find anything better right now. It sort of "fits" - you know? I shall keep my eyes open, but I think until I can see more clearly what's going on I'm going to invest some time in myself. You can't go wrong with that. I'm not feeling that this is a good time to start making decisions just yet. Something (and by that I mean the little birdie in my guts) is telling me that if I start struggling now it's going to be in vain and that will just equal wasted energy.

I really would like to go back to school so maybe this would be a good time to start looking into that again. I hope so... I'm not quite ready for a change of this proportion so maybe I should be preparing myself for when the time comes. If not... well, I suppose I will lose my job and be forced to make a change, won't I? (Ooh, did you see my optimism?)

Part II - happy thoughts

Optimism (if I have any): In my short life I've noticed that when things need to change - if I don't take the steps I need to in order to get that done something always ends up forcing my hand and things usually turn out fine. I started to go back to school earlier this year (which I have been wanting to do), but I kept putting it off and making excuses. I was comfortable... we had all that we needed and I enjoyed getting off work and spending all my extra time at home or doing whatever else I felt like doing. I shouldn't have let myself get lazy. I definitely should've been looking for another profession that could satisfy me or at least be taking classes somewhere. Now it's starting to look like I may no longer have a choice. So I think I just need to do whatever feels right and go with it - as hard as that may be. (And be stressed in the process; suddenly not being secure is a pretty scary feeling).

Aside from that: This week was pretty good. I've been lazy this whole time... slept a lot, played on my computer a lot, spent a lot of time doing nothing in particular with my best friend, and things like that. It's been nice. Oh, and my awesome kid got his FIRST report card Wednesday and he's got "satisfactory" and "mastery" on all of the different little categories. And that's not all. On this reading program they're doing they monitor the progress of the kids to see if they are going to need extra help learning to read... anyway, the goal was to have a score of 8 and my baby had a 12. Yes, he rocks!!! 😁😁😁

Also, today was the fall festival at his school. He got his face painted like a skull and won some candy. He liked watching the kids dunk one of the school faculty at the dunking booth. I must admit it was pretty fun. Then we walked out to the playground. THAT was the best. We all enjoyed ourselves out there. I have pictures, (yay!). I may try to put a few up. Anyway, I had to be rescued from the climbing wall - I got up there and couldn't get down. Me and Nick tried to play on the see-saw, but it wouldn't work. He's pretty skinny, but I still didn't weigh enough to push him up. And we made quite an interesting observation about Shadow... when you chase him he's like one of those fainting goats. You get too close and he just flops down on the ground with his legs up in the air. He's so bizarre. 😂😂😂

Anyway, I feel better having gotten all the negative off my chest first and then giggling as I write the positive stuff here at the end. Ummm, thanks if you actually bothered to sit here and read this whole blog; I know this one was kind of lengthy and probably not very interesting... but I just needed to write and now I feel somewhat better. I hope all is well with you - whoever you are. *hugs*

Part I - officially bummed out

Wow... it's simply amazing how things have gone from bad to worse lately. Things are not good... here's a list. 😬

1:   Last week with all that happened - (If you read my last blog, then you know what I'm talking about) - I forgot to mention that I broke my glasses and have since been wearing an old pair that not only doesn't look very flattering, but are uncomfortable and are no longer the right prescription. I'm not very happy about this and I can't really afford to do anything about it at the moment, (see #3).

2:  Maybe it's from the stress, but my skin looks terrible. It hurts and no matter how nice you try to be - it's simply ugly. No way around that and that's ok. I have psoriasis and I know it's not pretty. While it's not as bad as it has been before it's coming up in obvious places, aka: MY FACE. And I'm getting these weird little zit-like bumps that hurt really bad also... ugh.

3:   Ok, and at first I was completely ok with this, but now I'm starting to freak out: I've been off work for two weeks... no - not vacation or any sort of paid time off - just off. The boss shut down for two weeks and I thought, "Well, money might be tight, but that's cool." Shadow was out of school last week for fall break so I got to spend that with him and it was nice. Then there was the funeral and everything that goes with it so I definitely would've taken off for all of that, as well. Then, since my boy was back in school this week it was like I had some time for myself and that was pretty awesome, too. But I just got an email from my coworker saying that we were going to be off for another week. That worries me.

Here's why: First of all - I can't afford to not work for three weeks. It was going to be hard enough doing it for two, but three is going to be too much. Second - I asked my boss straight up on the day he said we were closing if this was going to be permanent and he said no. That might have comforted me some if he hadn't lied to my face before.  😠