I feel like my life isn't even real right now.

I feel like my life isn't even real right now.  Like, honest to goodness, I don't even know anything anymore.  We lost another dog today.  It was my big old beautiful messy girl, Natasha (aka Nappy).

She was with us for 8 or 9 years; I remember the first time I met her.  My friend (Natasha's rescuer) had brought her in to PetSmart to get help shaving her down.  I was a dog bather there at the time, so I basically watched / helped hold her on the table.  She was so matted that you couldn't pull an ear away from her head, or find her eyes.  Bugs were crawling out of the ridiculous huge single matt that covered her body.  Despite her obvious discomfort, she was the most gentle giant.  I fell in love with her instantly, but it wasn't until a year or two later that she came to live with me.

She was always the sweetest girl, but she had tons of chronic health problems.  As my friend who rescued her put it, she was "a puppy mill genetic nightmare."  Honestly, I spent more money than I had over the years trying to keep her groomed, medicating chronic ear and eye infections, paying for arthritis meds so she wouldn't be in pain, and even having surgery for hip dysplasia.  She was a ton of work, but I loved her and did the best I could.

Her most recent battle with eye infection was looking really good just a few weeks ago.  Unfortunately, us cleaning and medicating her eyes at the maintenance dose stopped cutting it.  They looked horrible over the weekend; worse than I'd ever seen them.  Last night, she wouldn't eat a treat, which is a big red flag because that girl loved her food.  When Shaun tried to feed her this morning her mouth dripped blood into her bowl and she was wavering when she stood.  That was basically our last straw.  She felt too bad, and had felt so bad off and on throughout her life that we just didn't want to put her through this anymore.  She looked done, and so we let her be.

I worry that we should have done this a long time ago; hell, I'm still questioning if it was the right thing to have done it today.  But it is hard to watch someone you love suffer.  So, I'm not ok.  I'm upset.  I'm sad and I'm angry.  I wasn't ready for this, but it wasn't about me.  We've now lost 4 of 6 dogs in 2 years.  I always thought I'd not want to exist without my dogs and currently that is accurate.

If I disappear for a while I apologize, but I was still struggling to be ok before this.  I have finals coming up and I've gotta find the energy to care about that.  So I love you and I hope your lives are going ok.  Catch you when I can, I guess.  ❤

I want to apologize for this not being the personal "Thank you" I intended...

I want to apologize for this not being the personal "Thank you" I intended to hand out to each of you, and that you all deserve.  I'm still struggling in a lot of ways, but I know y'all know that which is why you helped me.  Your kindness during this low point is deeply appreciated.  My words are failing me right now; I wanted to say something that would make you know how grateful I am that I have friends who care about me so much.  I wish I could do better right now, but the elephant on my chest has cracked the cup I pour from and I'm feeling pretty empty at the moment.  I don't really know what else to say, except that if there is ever anything I can do to pay you back or help you in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  💗💗💗

Hello, friends.

Hello, friends. I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving and weekend. As for us, there is a lot to say.

I'm not big on holidays as it is, though Thanksgiving is one of my favorites (not because of what it celebrates [horrible things were done to the Natives, and I believe in being thankful every day], but I do like it because I don't cook yet I still get to eat a lot.) This year had a couple of extra layers of stress. Thanksgiving would have been Shaun's mom's birthday had she not passed away earlier this year, so it was rough on a few levels. Thankfully, we got through the day.

Friday was my birthday, and that is the day we started doing some house repairs because dad was free. You know you're officially an adult when replacing a floor is a wonderful gift. LOL It took 3 days; we just finished up today. The contents of Shadow's room are strewn about the house (and have been for days) so it's driving me crazy. We're about to go through it all and see what we can purge. Woo.

In other exciting news, we caught a good Black Friday sale on the web and got Kira a bed just like she wanted: black, full-size, and with drawers underneath. 😃 It will be delivered tomorrow. A few weeks ago one of our friends gave us a couple of dressers he no longer needed, so my mom and Kira spray-painted them her favorite color today. We've had her stuff in one of my closets and some of Shadow's drawers, so this will be much better. I'm super excited to get everything re-organized and put away.

In even OTHER exciting news:  Kira got braces on Tuesday. We loved her smile as it was, but she wasn't happy with it - and her opinion is the one that matters. We'd planned to do this before Emma's unexpected hospital bill, but we don't believe in breaking promises to the kids if we can avoid it at all. Thank goodness for Care Credit. We have a year with no interest, so that will help a lot.

Speaking of Emma's bill, I am so thankful to each of you who donated. I have some very generous friends and I will be thanking each of you personally ASAP. There has been so much going on lately with my mental health and with losing Emma and then all of this house stuff that I just haven't been able to keep up. I also need to thank all of you for the birthday wishes, as well as wish a couple of birthday twins a belated Happy Birthday, as well. I hope you all will forgive my behind-ness; maybe this super adorable picture of Kira will help. 😊😍❤️

It's been a rough day.

It's been a rough day. Shadow's bedroom floor has been sagging - we think because of that pipe bursting in the house last spring. His room got the worst of it since it's right next to the bathroom. We thought we got all of the water up, but clearly we did not.  Thankfully, my dad has some time to help me with repairing it this weekend.

He came over bright and early to lead the way since I know very little about carpentry. We ripped the floor up, down to the joists. It was worse than we thought. Shaun stepped through the floor, dad cracked it with his butt, and I straight up fell through. I have some scrapes and bruises and I'm sore, but I guess I'm fine. I'm just thankful that it's being repaired.  Side note:  Congoleum is bomb-ass flooring because it kept us from falling through before we pulled it up. Just sayin'. 

I'm tired. We have more work to do the rest of the weekend. I have a test on Tuesday. Shadow and Kira have a web project coming due that I said I would help them both with. I did rest up most of the week, but I guess it was just so I could power through Thanksgiving and this weekend.

Sharing my sad Emma post one last time (for realsies). Worth a shot, I guess.

Highlight of my day: Baja with the fam and finding $4 in a store parking lot. Happy Birthday to me.

It's my birthday now.

It's my birthday now.

My wish: To have my girl back.

Since I can't have that I'd settle for help with getting this bill paid. We're more than halfway there.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/jpsdq3-emmas-medical-bills

I'm finally starting to feel like I might not have an elephant on my chest...

I'm finally starting to feel like I might not have an elephant on my chest and I'm thankful for that.  My mood has been up and down, but if it will stabilize somewhere in the middle I'll be ok ("ok" meaning that I'm not hiding from the world on my couch or in my bed, and with enough energy to kind of function like a human).

Friday the post man recognized my name and asked if I was the one who runs Happy Tails Lost & Found Pets of Calhoun County.  I felt slightly famous.  LOL  He told me that the group had helped someone he knew, so that made my day.  🙂

As for today, we're doing Kira's nails.  I did the base and they look pretty awesome - if I do say so myself.  She's getting really good at stamping, so she's going to finish them off with that part herself in a little while.  If I can get up the energy I might do mine, too, but they are not in great shape anymore because I've severely neglected them this semester.  🙁

Anyway, I'm finally starting to feel like I'm on the mend.  It's unfortunate that it has taken so long because we have a ton to do this week, but better late than never, I suppose.  I hope you all are doing well.  ❤

Today was my first decent-ish day since I lost my girl.

Today was my first decent-ish day since I lost my girl. I still had to nap when I got home, but I was able to get some things done.

I'm trying not to be too pushy, so I'm gonna share this today because it's payday for most of us and then I'll stop.  It's been a hard time around here and I've gotta stop seeing it.

I am not trying to forget my girl, but I am just not doing well with this constant reminder of what I've lost. It's bad enough that we don't have her here doing things like jumping up and going to bed when we turn the Xbox off at night.

I really appreciate all of the help and support from my friends. I'm hoping that some down-time this coming week will help me recuperate. I love you all. ❤️