Tl;dr: Yesterday I ceased to exist.

Tl;dr:  Yesterday I ceased to exist.  I'm sorry if I did not show up for you.  It's not that I didn't want to; it was literally not possible.

Overall, I had a pretty good week, but I told myself before it was over that I was skipping a Hackathon this weekend because I was exhausted and needed to rest.  Then we had a Professional Development speaker on Friday who inspired me, and I decided that I was going to show up to the Hackathon.

That ended up being a lie.

I woke up on Saturday morning and I just could not manifest myself into personhood.  I never made it out of bed.  I had a bad headache, and the only thing I ate or drank for the whole day was Ibuprofen and the sip of water it took to get it down.  I did not eat or drink the rest of the day.  I only moved if my body started to ache from being in one position for too long.  Shaun came to check on me, and I barely responded to him.  I didn't even pick up my phone for any of that time.  I spent 30-ish hours in that condition.

By last night, he was in panic mode.  He was scared to leave me alone.  He asked if he needed to call 911.

The thing is, I wasn't going to hurt myself.  I wasn't going to move if I didn't have to.  And I didn't feel depressed or sad or bad.  I spent the time in and out of consciousness, sometimes asleep, sometimes awake, sometimes somewhere in between.  Sometimes my brain was taking me to past places, sometimes I felt it was working on a problem, sometimes it was just dreaming.  I felt numb, and sometimes lost in time or space.  I was sometimes vaguely aware of the animals or kids or Shaun, sometimes not.  It did not feel like a bad or scary experience.  It kind of felt necessary.

I woke up/got up today like it was a regular day.  I ate my usual breakfast and took my meds.  I don't feel like I am 100% here; I feel more like I am in ghost mode.  I can affect some things, but my brain is also still lingering in the halfway place.

I feel like this was an extended and deeper version of "I don't want to be a person yet."  Some of those days feel like a choice.  This was not.

So I don't know what happened, and from my Googling the closest thing I can find is Depersonalization/Derealization.  I do have depression and anxiety and am medicated for both.  It was a busy week and I did have fun, but I think that agreeing to do the Hackathon was too much.  There were also some other stressors, too.  More stressy stressors, actually.  So my theory is that I wasn't able to exist as a person on Saturday, perhaps because I needed to rest or because my brain was trying to protect me or because of hormonal fluctuations due to peri or a combination of it all.  It's all kind of messy right now and I'm working on figuring things out, but it's not easy.

My plan for the rest of this day is to do some homework, and otherwise a bunch of self-care and rest.  I seem to function MOSTLY fine during the week, but by the weekends lately I'm a mess.

I have an appointment on Thursday to see if my hormones need adjusting.  I will bring up whatever this episode was with my doctor, as well.  If they can't help me figure it out, it might be time to be referred to a psychiatrist.  I really didn't mind how I felt yesterday, but apparently I scared Shaun and the kids, and I also didn't take my usual antianxiety and antidepressant because I didn't eat or move, so that's not good.  I am usually very consistent with my meds, but it was not my choice and not possible yesterday.

I hope you all are doing well.  I'm going through some weirdness, but I've been through worse.  I'll be ok.  ❤