This big stinky bloomed again.

This big stinky bloomed again. It's sprawling and attracting flies. It's amazing!

The other two plants are ones that I traded a few cold-hardy starters for. The top one is an aloe (Aloe ramosissima) and the other one is Pseudobombax ellipticum, which is a caudex tree of some sort. It looks like it'll have some really interesting flowers.

Shaun took down my shade cloth so the plants can get more sun and stay warmer through the winter.

I watered everyone today. I'm hoping a bunch will go dormant soon, but everyone looked pretty thirsty. They're not down for the season yet!

Today was pretty good.

Today was pretty good.

Caitlin went with me to Nordstrom Rack. I'd never been there, but read that they carried some jeans brands that I knew fit me nicely, so I wanted to check it out. I think I got pretty lucky; I bought 3 pairs of jeans and one nice pair of more casual pants. The casual pants definitely need to be hemmed, but that's ok. That's pretty usual for me.

After that, Shaun drove me to meet someone for a plant swap. I gave the guy I met several of my cold-hardy babies. He gave me 2 larger plants that he didn't have space for. I'll get pictures tomorrow.

Now I'm tired. I'm probably heading to bed as soon as I finish my Duolingo.

I'm gonna talk about cars.

I'm gonna talk about cars.

For my whole driving life (from 1999-2017) I drove beater cars.  Cars with major problems.  Cars that broke down and stranded me frequently.  Since I didn't live in a place with public transportation, my friends and family were always having to pick me up, help me fix my car, and/or give me rides.  It was exhausting and stressful.  It was scary; I lived in a rough city and was a single mom often stranded with a child.  It was financially draining to not be able to afford something more reliable, and to keep having to repair something that would eventually strand me again.

In 2017, Shaun bought me a used Nissan Cube.  It was amazing.  It was comfortable.  It was spacious.  It was quirky, which is my style.  It was reliable.  I loved that car, but when we moved states we sold it.

After settling here and getting solar on our house, we found a used Chevy Spark EV for me.  It's a 2016.  It's zippy and reliable and was inexpensive to buy and is inexpensive to charge - especially in off-peak hours and having solar.  I really enjoy it the benefits of having an EV.

Since it's an older EV, it doesn't have a super-long range; it'll charge to go about 80-90 miles before getting scary low, which works for most of my needs.  If you drive it badly and take off fast and slam the breaks, you lose charge fast.  That is the case for most EVs.  If you drive in a calm manner, it can actually recharge itself as you're driving, which is nice.

The downside is that if I find myself needing a charge when I'm out, that sucks.  First of all, the charger that the Spark takes is being phased out on many charging stations.  Secondly, if you don't already know where the fast-charging stations are you can waste range stopping at slow-charging stations, which could have you sitting there for hours.  Also, sometimes the charging stations are closed or vandalized, so it's never a guarantee that you'll be able to charge and you don't usually know that until you get there.  This causes some range-anxiety for me when I'm further away from home, so the Spark has become the household's errand car, which is fine.

While commuting to the internship I started driving Shaun's car because it was reliable.  It gets decent gas mileage, but I have found that I really hate stopping at gas stations and paying for gas.  For one, I prefer to stop for gas when I'm already out, which is usually when I am going to or from work.  So does everyone else, because the gas stations are full and have lines at those times.  For two, I don't like touching the pumps and standing outside and worrying about my card being hacked in the pump or whatever.  For three, the prices are ridiculous.

😆  Yes, I have been spoiled.

I think that if my career takes off and we get back on top of our finances I'd like to look into a long-range EV in the next few years.  I'm opposed to buying cars brand-new off the lot due to depreciation, but a newer used car that has been thoroughly checked out would hit the spot.  The longer-range EVs have range of 200+ miles, so that would give me a good bit more security for driving longer distances.  Ideally I would only charge at home, but even if not, having a charging cord that is not being phased out would make things easier, too.

Anyway, this is not important; it's just something I've been thinking about since driving so much lately.  In the past I had to drive whatever I had access to.  I am currently doing the same thing with Shaun's car, but in a much less dangerous and dire situation.  But if I get to a position financially where I get to be picky about what I drive, I'm 99% sure I'll be looking at a long-range EV.

I'm going to say something that sounds sarcastic, but it's not.

I'm going to say something that sounds sarcastic, but it's not.

When Bear isn't ready to have the doggy door locked for the night (now that he's a grown man and doesn't sleep in a crate), he let's us know in a very enthusiastic manner. And I love it.

He literally jumps at/body slams the doors and slides down them. Any door downstairs. DOOR is the problem. (And some of the windows.) 😂

It sounds obnoxious, but he's communicating in a very direct manner that he wants to pass through something and he can't.

When Cubba can't get out, he'll bark until we come to the door. He'll stand there looking at us expectantly until we do what he wants, which is usually pretty obvious.

But Bear SHOWS us.

I just find it neat how different they are. They have very different motivations and thought processes, as well as communication styles. Though all of the creatures that have lived with me have let me get to know their personalities, I'm not sure I've ever had a pair with this much contrast before.

The dogs like to lick the plate...

The dogs like to lick the plate after the cats finish their wet food at night. Shaun and Cubba were in the sunroom, and Shaun started calling Bear to come get his licks.

Tell me why this dog wouldn't go without me. 😂 He's a Papa's boy, 100%, but he seemed super confused when Shaun was calling "us" and I wasn't moving.

Every time Shaun whistled or called Bear's name, he would look towards Shaun, then look at me like "He's calling us. Are we going?" His eyebrows were up so far. 😂 (This is just a random photo from the other day, not with his "questioning" eyebrows on.)

I got up and walked him to the kitchen, but he kept stopping when I stopped. Shaun was like "Bring him over here since y'all are [dog]packed up. 🙄" 😂😂😂 

I wish I knew what that was about. Usually if we call him, he comes. But he's normally by himself if we call him, so maybe he doesn't realize he can be called as an individual if anyone else is near him. I've never seen another dog react like that before. Our strange little son. 😅❤️

This is my first full week of having a hybrid schedule.

This is my first full week of having a hybrid schedule.  It has been amazing.

I already knew that I loved working from home from previous jobs; I am so much more productive when I am able to be comfortable.  Being short-statured, no chair or desk is built for me.  If I'm high up enough to type comfortably, my feet are dangling.  If my feet aren't dangling, my arms are awkwardly high up trying to type and mouse.  I do have a foot rest at the office, which helps - but only if I'm sitting on the edge of my chair.  At home, I can sit however I need to in order to be comfortable.  I'm often criss-cross or sitting with my legs propped straight out.

Aside from the weird-sitting situation, I also struggle with temperature regulation.  I'm usually cold, even when others are quite warm.  So when I work from home I usually have a blanket on my lap.  I often wear a hat, or a hoodie so that I can cover my head.  When I'm in-office I want to look more professional, so I don't do any of those things - at least not without feeling self-conscious.  There have been some times that I put a hat on because I just couldn't focus otherwise due to being so cold.  Doing my best work wins over how goofy I look every time, but it's nice not to have to worry about that.

Thankfully, I have discovered my professional style that doesn't feel like a costume, and generally I am decently comfortable in my work clothes.  However, my temperature regulation settings suck and I still sweat even when I'm cold... even through layers.  So I constantly feel self-conscious and worry that people will see my armpit wet spots and feel grossed out.  I do have an appointment to hopefully address that in a couple of weeks, but for now it's much easier to just be a sweaty mess on my home days and not worry about it.

Overall, it's just easier to work from home.  Despite Shaun and the kids and the pets, I feel like I have fewer distractions and can be more productive.

The thing is, I enjoy my office days, too.

I love the drive - it's beautiful and despite the traffic, fun.  I love being here and feeling like I'm here.  I love having access to people that I have so much in common with.  I am a somewhat social creature, so it feels great to see my teammates in person.  At my previous job, all of my coworkers were scattered.  After the training period ended and I returned home to work I was fully remote; I basically only had access to them via Slack.  I felt pretty isolated.

So, this first week of hybrid has felt pretty great.  I feel more balanced.  I feel less exhausted.  I'm saving 8 hours of driving per week, which is basically a whole day.  As much as I love to drive, that is a bit much.  I would definitely do it if I had to because I love this job, but it's nice to not have to.

Speaking of loving the job... I am very engaged in my work.  I feel like it's making an impact.  It's challenging and fun.  It's nice to be contracted with one organization where I can see the benefit of what I've built, versus having 2 or 3 smaller projects for different companies where after I complete my task, the company moves me onto something else and I never see how my work has helped make a difference.

Also, being medicated for ADHD is a big help.  I can focus better.  I feel less overwhelmed in general, despite still having quite a lot of things to take care of.  I'm not just getting through my tasks; I'm learning from them.  I'm taking better care of myself.  I'm able to wake up in the mornings and stay awake all day because I'm now able to fall asleep at night, and STAY asleep.  Even when I was forcing myself to stay awake during the day, my brain obviously wasn't functioning at it's best no matter how hard I tried.  I'm no longer functioning on adrenaline; I don't have to anymore.  I can know that a thing needs to be done and instead of dreading it and putting it off until right before the deadline I can either do it or make a plan to do it, and stick to that.  It's wonderful.

I am very optimistic about the future.  I hope it's not speaking too soon, but I do feel like part of a team now.  I can see myself growing in my current position.  It's very exciting, and such a relief to not have to fight tooth and nail for every little win.

Sorry for the ramble, but I am feeling so grateful.  I just had to put it out there.

I worked from home today.

I worked from home today.

It was nice, but my coworker is lazy. 😂

Part 3:

Part 3:

Now that I am able to be part of my own team... I'm able to put US first.  I have an example.

A few years back, I had a friend ask me to help her move.  That's usually not a huge deal.  But in this particular case, it was.

It entailed me taking a few days off from work, renting a van with my own money, driving 6 hours to her place, packing her up, and driving her about 12 hours to her new destination.  I also had to pay for gas, and the hotel we stayed in, as well as my expense to get back home.

She asked me to do it and for whatever reason, that made it feel like my problem.

Shaun didn't want me to do it.  Logically, missing work suddenly and unnecessarily isn't great.  That also wasn't a cheap venture.  It was a long way to go.  I didn't know anything about the place I was taking her to.  He had every sensible reason to not want me to do this, but I was determined.  It felt very important to me, and I guess to him it seemed more important to me than the amount that he didn't want me to do it, so he agreed.  He didn't like it, but he didn't fight me about it.  So I did it.

It was not fun.  I didn't enjoy it.  It was expensive.  It was stressful.  The weather wasn't great.  There was a lot of information that I didn't have up front that would have made me not do it... stuff I'd have never even thought to ask about.  But I helped my friend and it felt nice.  Unfortunately, it was never enough for her.  She eventually asked me to move her even further; much more out of my way.  I didn't do it because I couldn't take off work again.  But if I didn't have something rigid stopping me, I might have.

Looking back at that is pretty crazy.  People always give you advice, like "You have to take care of yourself first."  And I always agreed with that logically, but I was never able to live it.  I don't know why I couldn't.  I don't know if it's because I was always having to be "the fixer" when I grew up.  I don't know if it's because other people's problems were some kind of break from my own.  Or maybe they felt more important because they wouldn't have asked if it wasn't an emergency (which isn't true, but that's how I've always operated).

So to recap:  Shaun didn't want me to do it.  I was using our money to handle this, even though we were trying to save.  He was worried for my safety, which is valid on a long trip.  And if I didn't get to do it despite all of that I would have been very upset.  I would've felt controlled.  I would've felt like I needed "permission" despite being grown.  I would have resented not doing it.

That's the kind of partner I've been for 18 years.  I've been this way with fostering animals.  I've been this way with helping people who help create their own problems.  I've been this way in regards to money; impulse shopping when we needed to save.

I am not proud of this.

In truth I was always doing my best, and I know that Shaun knows that or he wouldn't have stuck around.  I needed therapy.  I needed healthcare.  I needed medication.  And especially living in Alabama, I didn't usually have access to those things before it became an urgent situation.  Being in a state that offers Medicaid to everyone has helped me make some pretty great strides the last few years, and I am grateful for that.  Now that I can do better, I absolutely am.

Right now, at this point in my life, I can say this AND live it:

Everyone else's problems are not my problems on a personal level.  Politically, I will always vote on the side of compassion because I do want my taxes to help others who need it.  I don't care if you feel that some "unworthy" person may benefit; I feel it's better to help a few "grifters" than let so many struggling people fall through the cracks, like I did at pretty much every turn while living in a red state.  Struggling isn't a personality flaw.  Neither is poverty.

Right now I am privileged to be in a state with healthcare, as well as having just started a good job.  I feel optimistic in a sustained way for the first time in my life.

For this family of 4 humans plus pets I was the main breadwinner for 3 years, but I was unemployed/under-employed for over a year after being laid off.  Our backup money is gone.  We have more credit card debt than we've ever had.  We are better off financially than many people despite that... even some people that I care a lot about, but I have to put us first.  We have no retirement.  We have no savings.  We're in the hole.  Financially, I cannot help anyone without hurting us.

Emotionally/Mentally, I am taking this time to continue healing.  This has been a wild year being diagnosed as AuDHD.  It's explained a lot, and revealed a lot.  There is much to process.  I still care about friends and family, of course, but if I find any excess mental or emotional energy, my feeling is that Shaun has dibs since he has poured so much into me over the years.  Other people who are there for me are next in line because maintaining those relationships are important, as well.

Mentally/Physically, I am not taking on any tasks outside of what my career and the living beings on my property require.  I am not volunteering anywhere.  I'm not creating new projects.  I'm not adopting any animals.  I am putting any extra energy I have into "catching up" on my list of things that if I complete, will make me feel like I have my shit together.  It will take however long it takes and until then, I can't spend my energy on others without reducing my capacity here, and that is something that I am just no longer willing to do.

It feels very strange because I used to, in a way, think that people who didn't help others were selfish or greedy; especially if it SEEMED LIKE they had the means.  But my thinking is able to be more flexible now, and I can see that setting myself on fire to keep others warm isn't the right move.  I can also now see that hurting myself hurts my husband, and it's not ok to repeatedly hurt your teammate.  It wasn't ok before, but now that I can do something about it the change has been made.

Doormat Blu has left the building.  Team Xenethos has entered.

Part 2:

Part 2:

Before meds, I was just living.  I was just trying my best.  I was in fight or flight, so chatting felt unnecessary and like a waste of energy and time.  I knew I needed a job, so what else was there to say?  Leave me alone and let me stress out, please.

Now that I'm medicated I've been talking to Shaun a lot more.  Just in general about how we'd like for things to be, what our plans are, etc.  I've been checking in with him more about how he's doing.  I kind of feel like it might be annoying, but he assures me that it's not.

What I've found is that even if we don't have the same perspective on our topic I'm not having that "Caution!" feeling come up.  I don't feel like he's trying to change or control me.  It doesn't even cross my mind, and I love that.  It's a huge fucking relief to be honest.

I don't know if this is part of not living in fight or flight, but that sounds quite plausible.  When you're existing in that state of stress and having to rely on cortisol to get anything done, everything feels like an emergency.  And when you're in a crisis state like that you are hypervigilant for threats.  It doesn't matter if they're real; you're looking for them and you feel/react accordingly.  Sure, you may be able to logic your way out of it later, but that doesn't change your initial reaction or the hurt it causes.

Now that I'm medicated I'm not using cortisol just to live, so in general everything feels easier.  But I also feel like I am able to be a better partner and part of this team, whereas that just wasn't the case before regardless of how hard I tried.

It's just something that I have been mulling over the last week or so, and I wanted to share in case it resonated with anyone.

Part 3 incoming.

I'm here to overshare again. 😂 Part 1.

I'm here to overshare again.  😂  Part 1.

Since starting ADHD meds, I have noticed that I am finding it a ton easier to be a Team Player with Shaun.  I never DIDN'T want to be; it just literally felt impossible to do, and I'm not quite sure why.  He's always been there for me, always supported me, and always looked out for me.  He's never given me a reason not to trust him.  He's very stable and consistent.

And yet, there have always been times that I'm like "I have to look out for myself."  Like, even if we were having a calm conversation and had different points of view, that always triggered me into thinking (not logically, obviously... maybe it was more of a feeling), that he was seeking to control me or change me somehow.  So I could logic myself out of that, but by my initial reaction, he could see that I somehow felt uncomfortable or unsafe in some way.

We don't really fight or argue, but we have definitely had a recurring conversation over the years about how we're a team, and he doesn't understand why I can't believe that he's on my side.  I know that has been very hurtful and frustrating for him.  And the thing was:  Logically I knew he was solid, but emotionally there was still something firing "caution" in my brain.

I have some suspicions on why that might be.  I was raised to never trust or depend on anyone else, so there is that.  Independence is great, but being in a partnership with someone doesn't usually allow for that completely.  So if your independence is the priority, it doesn't seem fair to enter into a relationship or partnership where you need to consider another person's wants and needs instead of always having things your way.

I'm gonna pause there and say something else:

I have read and been told that starting ADHD meds could possibly cause me to feel much more autistic than I did before.

In my case, it's been the opposite.

I still have sensory triggers.  I still miss the jokes.  I still answer rhetorical questions.  I still suck at reading between the lines and prefer direct communication.

But hearing someone skeet their feet doesn't ruin my day.  Yes, it hurts me and I cringe, but then I can shake it off.

I ordered some shredded chicken tacos the other day.  I got ground beef instead.  I don't eat beef or ground meat in general, but I ate those tacos and it wasn't even a struggle.  (If I'd been inside the restaurant, I would've asked for chicken, but it was a DoorDash and not worth the trouble to change it.)  Before, I would have had to have the right thing, or just find something else to eat, or would have just not eaten at all.

So somehow, being medicated has made me feel LESS autistic; or at least more able to handle things than I could before.  I feel more flexible.  Or just ABLE TO BE flexible.  And it's amazing.

And all of this comes together in such a way that I FINALLY, after 18 years together, can truly feel like a team with my husband.

Part 2 on the way.

I'm up late...

I'm up late because I slept late because it was an exhausting week. Because I slept late, I took my ADHD meds late, so I'm in bed waiting for my sleep window to open.

It's the end of Balloon Fiesta this weekend. This week as I was driving to work, there were so many balloons and it was amazing to witness. Even though I'm ready for my hybrid schedule to start, I'm glad I didn't miss out on that.

I also saw a person riding a motorized unicycle on the sidewalk. They were doing Naruto-run pose. 😂 I've seen several people riding these here.

I don't think I'll ever get over how much I love it here. It's always so interesting and beautiful and unique. It's home.

I'm about to talk about sweat and armpits.

I'm about to talk about sweat and armpits.

It has just dawned on me at my big age that I may have hyperhidrosis (in my armpits, specifically).

When I did a post (probably 2020-ish) about Lume deodorant, I mentioned that I had stopped using antiperspirants even more years ago.  There were several reasons I gave for that, and one of the main ones was that the antiperspirants containing aluminum made me itchy and miserable.  I'd tried regular ones, and then tried Dove Clinical, Mitchum, etc., and I'd still sweat through them all.  I didn't have insurance back then, had bigger things to worry about, and had no idea that this was really not normal, so I've just been living with it.

Going aluminum-free feels a lot better to my skin, so I've been using various deodorants.  That's fine.  I'm not smelly as long as I stay on top of my hygiene.  But the sweat...  Yikes.

Now that I am medicated, insured, and life doesn't feel like a struggle, I have the bandwidth to figure this out.  I also have more incentive to.

I am trying very hard to be my best self, especially regarding my career... and I am sitting in an office, cold as usual, and sweating through my clothes in a very obvious manner.  I am in the desert and it's not even evaporating faster than I'm sweating.  It's embarrassing.  It makes me feel colder, which makes me want to put on a coat/blazer, which only makes it worse.  I feel like I can't win.

I have some armpit pads (that are like pantyliners for your armpits), and I have to use 3 per armpit to keep a stain from showing through.  I don't love creating waste, it feels bulky and uncomfortable, it may be visible to others, and overall I am not enjoying it.  I also have these washable tops that you can wear... they're like tiny shirts, but with padded armpits to catch the sweat.  I am sweating through those, as well.  Even right now I am dripping sweat.  I am currently in a nightgown only, feeling slightly chilly, and yet...

Clearly, this is an issue.  I'm going to bring it up with my dermatologist.

I've read that there are medicated wipes, so I would like to start there.  The downsides could be dry eyes and mouth, which may not be ideal in this climate, but I think it's worth trying and seeing if I get those symptoms.  There's a procedure called MiraDry, but I've ruled that out because it can cause your armpit hair not to grow, and mine is very affirming to me and I want to keep it.  There is also botox, which would have to be repeated maybe 2-3 times a year, but it wouldn't affect my hair and I'm unbothered by needles, so that may be worth looking into if the wipes don't work out.

Anyway, that's what is on my mind right now.  It's so wild how you can live with something and not even be aware that it could be an actual medical issue.  Much like ADHD.  😂

I have always been such a mess (or at least have felt like I was), so the fact that I am now able to take better care of myself feels amazing.  Maybe I won't feel like a messy goblin forever.  That would be nice.

Adrian is doing a comical...

Adrian is doing a comical, literally clown-amount of "this bit is stupid and never-ending" sneezing in my face tonight. It's not a rapid-fire sneezing fit; they're spaced just far enough to have me let my guard down.

And she's playing the straight man so perfectly, purring and cuddling like nothing is happening. I feel like I'm being pranked. 😂

Having a ramble about how things are going.

Having a ramble about how things are going.

I officially start my new position next week, which is exciting.  I'm having a bit of anxiety because right now I'm stuck in "transition mode," which is an ADHD thing that apparently not even my meds are eliminating (although I am sure they're helping.  One hundred percent, I'd be a complete mess without them).

I have a lot of unanswered questions, but orientation is next week and I'm sure things will be much clearer after that... but for now I do feel a bit anxious.  At least it's not intolerable, shut-down, non-functional anxiety.

I've heard that there may be a probationary period before I can start my hybrid work-from-home schedule, but I'm really hoping that's not the case; or at least if there is, I hope it's not a long period.  During the week I wake up, get ready for work and drive for an hour, work my hours, then drive for an hour back home.  Twice a week I have teaching/office hours for CNM, so I do that.  But otherwise, I have a snack, stay awake for maybe an hour, and then I hit my "ideal fall asleep" window and just crash and go to bed.  That doesn't leave much time for anything else.

This is do-able for a while, and I am absolutely doing much better than I would be without medication.  Without meds, I'd be running on empty and depending on adrenaline (which means I'd be putting things off until the last minute, my schedule would be slipping and I'd be struggling to be on-time to anywhere, I wouldn't be able to focus at work unless I was SUPER interested in what I was doing, unable to plan, etc.), so this is ok.  This opportunity is important and I am happy to prioritize it right now, but I will definitely be relieved and be able to have more of a life once things settle, and I am looking forward to that.

One thing that I am enjoying about my commute (besides the beautiful views and feeling like I'm REALLY here) is that I've had some time to catch up with friends/family who are awake and willing to call me/answer my calls.  I've spent the last year, at least, being so burned out that socializing was last on the list and didn't happen much... or if it did, it didn't come easily.  So this is better.  Overall, even though things are still in transition I feel a lot more balanced than I ever have, and because of that I feel super optimistic about the future.

Also, just FYI, I feel like I'm doing a great job at the internship, which I'm sure is what got me the job offer.  Also, I'm able to show off my left-handed super power, which is writing with my left hand and mousing with my right.  Presenting and note-taking has never been so efficient!  😆

Here I go terrorizing my household again.

Here I go terrorizing my household again. Screaming in my sleep. At least I didn't bite another cat, I guess.

Some sweet little Bear snorts to send you off to sleep.

Some sweet little Bear snorts to send you off to sleep.

Writing it now.

Several of my tasks today are on the computer, so I've had a thought and I wanted to write it now so I don't have to add it to the list.

The doctor who diagnosed me with ADHD said that my medication could cause a lack of appetite/appetite suppressant effect, so I stopped taking Semaglutide when I started my ADHD meds.

The food noise has not returned.

The ADHD meds have quieted my brain, including the food noise, so overeating/emotional eating/stim eating, etc., is not currently a problem for me.

All of my experiences over the last few weeks after being medicated have made me wonder if there are better questions doctors could ask to help people who don't have the language for what they are struggling with to articulate their struggles.

For example, no one has ever asked me "When trying to manage your weight, does the typical advice of eating healthy foods, counting calories, etc., work for you?"  That would have been an absolute "No."  When your brain is only capable of doing the most important/most interesting task at the moment, counting calories feels impossible.  Food noise is there, regardless of the reason.  Impulse control is low because we're maxed out just trying to do the most basic shit.  Of course that doesn't work.

Or maybe this one:

"When trying to change your schedule and using the advice of good sleep hygiene, consistent bed times, no screens, no caffeine after certain times, etc., do you still struggle?"  Because that would have been a resounding yes.  Trying to fix my schedule didn't work because my brain didn't shut off and I had no control over that.  It wasn't actually that I am terrible and lazy and inconsistent; it was simply that that advice wasn't going to work for me because there was an underlying, untreated problem (ADHD).

Basically, what I'm saying is, "If you've tried advice that works for neurotypicals, how does that work out for you?  Is it helpful?  Are you able to make meaningful changes or lasting improvements?"

That would have been a huge eye-opener for me.  I 100% do not believe that people are just shitty, lazy, or unmotivated, though I often felt that way before (about myself) and I've definitely heard those terms used to describe people with ADHD.  I don't think people choose to exist that way; they just literally don't realize that there could be a medical issue and that no matter how hard they try, TRYING doesn't change it; just like TRYING not to have a thyroid problem doesn't change the fact that you do.  You need medical intervention.

Kira got her ADHD diagnosis on paper on Friday (we were already pretty sure, but she wanted confirmation).  She didn't want medicine without that, and I think it's fair and logical to want proof of an issue before medicating for it.

I went upstairs earlier and she apologized for it being messy.  And all I could even say to her was "I know you're doing your best.  I don't think you're a bad person or lazy.  You just need some treatment so you can function better."

Because I have literally, at least since my early 20s, pretty consistently beat myself up for struggling - because I didn't know that I was.  And I could tell by her apology that she is doing the same.  There was no fucking way I was going to pile on.  I told her the mess could wait, and that all I really wanted was for her to make her health and well-being the priority, and to be open to medication (because it changed my life, and I don't want to see her struggle needlessly).

My diagnosis and medication have changed my life for the better - literally.  I feel brand new at 43 years old.  I don't want my kids to struggle for 20 more years.  And now that I know what I'm looking at when I see a mess or a light left on or them awake at random hours, I'm going to parent them differently, as well.  I'm going to encourage treatment, but I'm going to be as patient as I can until we get there.  Because they're not shitty or lazy or unmotivated (not that I ever thought they were; I just didn't understand why "simple" things seemed so hard).  They are struggling and actually doing their best, and I can't ask for more than that. 

I mentioned yesterday that the day didn't go as planned.

I mentioned yesterday that the day didn't go as planned.  It really didn't and I didn't do everything I wanted to, but the important stuff got done.

Since I'm still adjusting to medication and the work schedule and all of that, I have been pretty serious about resting on the weekends, even if that means sleeping until I naturally wake up.  But Shaun forgot his work badge and woke me up close to 9.  I think he caught me in a deep sleep cycle or something, because I was a mess all day - even after taking my ADHD meds.  For whatever reason, I never fully shifted out of Goblin Mode, and started to get a headache around 3.  I had a list of things I wanted to do, but ended up napping from around 4-6, then going to bed at 8:30.  Thankfully, I woke up naturally today and feel fine.  Brain-wise, anyway.

Yesterday, one of my important tasks was doing some mechanic-ing on the Hyundai because Shadow had some things to do and we needed it running.  Something happened behind the glove box so it wouldn't shut fully, and that meant that the glove box light stayed on and the battery died.  It would run if we jumped it, but no longer hold a charge and wouldn't re-crank.  The car is a 2011 and that was the original battery, I'm pretty sure, so we weren't upset at having to replace it.

This is normally the kind of task I'd leave to Shaun (due to sensory issues or due to me feeling overwhelmed; not because I'm incapable), but he was working and Shadow needed the car that day and since I am now able to take better care of myself and don't exist in a constant state of overwhelm, I did the damn thing.

Shadow helped me, which was great.  First of all, the Hyundai doesn't have the stick that props the hood open; it has some sort of hydraulic thing that no longer works, so someone had to hold the hood open.  Secondly, it was just really nice to spend time with him.  Thirdly, he had a great idea that kept the task of removing the dead battery from taking wayyy longer than necessary (and wayyy longer than it already had).

I'm sure that people who work on cars already know this, but it's cramped as hell in there.  My hands and arms are bruised and sore from trying to get in there to unscrew the thing that holds the battery down.  Also, we needed a 12mm thing to unscrew it, which we did not have, so I was trying to maneuver an adjustable wrench and failing pretty hard.  Shadow asked if we could just unscrew and move the major thing that was in the way, and at first I was scared to, but then I was like, "I think we have to."  So we did.  And that was great.

Then we took the battery to Auto Zone and bought a replacement, went home and got it installed, and BOOM - the car is fine.

Shaun texted at some point and asked if they installed the battery.  I was like "Who?"  And he replied "Auto Zone."  And I was like, "No, me and Shadow did."  And he said if we'd driven the car there that they would have installed it, but that would have meant jumping the car (which me and Shadow both didn't want to do).  So apparently, there was a much easier way to accomplish our task, but I was actually having fun despite touching metal tools and getting dirty.  😆

I'm not going to pretend that the struggle wasn't real, because it was.  Like I said, I never fully exited Goblin Mode yesterday.  But despite the challenges, we got it done, me and Shadow did teamwork on that bitch, and all is well.  He made it safely to his destination and back home yesterday, so I couldn't really ask for more than that.

The only other thing I did was meet up with a friend to do a plant swap.  Once again, Colleen hooked me up and I left feeling like I came out on the better end, but I do have some bulbs and plant hangers and a cactus to give her when my brain is having a better day.  And we've discussed swapping pollen and making cactus babies together, so I'm like, dying inside of excitement about that.  I have been interested in trying to grow them from seed for a while, but sometimes it's easier to do things with a friend.

So today, I have some tasks to catch up on because I didn't get to them yesterday, but that's ok.  I have a list.  Aside from sore hands, I'm good.  I'm about to get started and see how it goes.

I hope you all are having a nice day.  With how everything is for me right now, I'm really busy and really tired by the time I make it home every day, but I do believe that things will ease up, especially once work from home becomes an option.  So if I'm not liking or responding or posting during the week, it's just because I'm exhausted and have been (and been able to!) prioritize chores and rest, rather than screaming into the void hoping to find a solution to a strained existence.

I love you all!  Be well!

Balloons!

Balloons!

I am very tired and about to head to bed, but...

I am very tired and about to head to bed, but I wanted to talk a bit more about the job offer.

I've been doing an internship since August 31st, and it was supposed to go until around mid-November, but because I have a job offer the internship is going to end October 5th and I will officially start work the next day.

I have enjoyed the work I've been doing these last few weeks, and the job I will be starting will be similar, so that makes me happy.

I am also happy because I will have a hybrid in-office/work-from-home schedule, so that will be a relief.  The internship is full-time in-person, and while I enjoy driving I'm currently doing 10 hours of that every week, so it will save me some time and energy to not have to make that commute every day - especially on my teaching days.  That is a bit stressful since I have a timeline for getting home.

Anyway, today didn't exactly go as planned, but maybe I'll have the energy to talk about that tomorrow.  For now, I'm going to bed.

Goodnight, y'all!

I can't write much at the moment...

I can't write much at the moment because I have some things to do, but:

Yesterday, I was offered a full-time position doing application development in ServiceNow. OBVIOUSLY, I accepted.

I will try to write more later, but I am very excited. It's been over a year since I was employed full time, so this is amazing.

AHHHH!!!

AHHHH!!!

My first fenestrated leaf!

How exciting! 😁😁😁

I didn't do plant stuff, but...

I didn't do plant stuff, but I did everything else I wanted to today, plus cleaned and organized my side of the closet. I'm not mad about that.

The great thing about succulents is that they are pretty tough, thank goodness.

It's 11pm and I'm still awake, but...

It's 11pm and I'm still awake, but I slept until I was done this morning (which was around 9 am), so I took my meds a little late and that makes sense.  I'm getting really tired, but right after I post this I'm going to put my last load of laundry in the dryer and call it a night.

It's been a good day.

I took a bath.  I cleaned Adrian's litter box.  I did a grocery and prescription pickup.  I hung out with Caitlin and had a really nice time.  We shopped and split some street tacos and it was great.  Once back home, I vacuumed downstairs as well as my bedroom, did all of my laundry, swept the downstairs, cleaned the downstairs litter boxes, did the dishes, put my prescription in my little daily boxes, changed my sheets, and opened the windows to air out the house.  Usually, I go so hard I don't even sit down or rest because I know it's over if I stop, but today that wasn't the case.  I just wanted things done and didn't do them at a breakneck pace.  I don't feel that I will be wiped out tomorrow.  I don't even feel wiped out now.  I feel relieved and prepared for the upcoming week.

I have decided that Sundays are for me (and Shaun, since it's currently our only mutual day off).  I want to water my plants and do my nails.  Shaun said we should go on a date, so we'll probably do that, too.  We need to feed Habibi, so I'm sure we can work that in.  He has some tasks for his off days, including getting the Hyundai running again and cleaning the cat fountain.  I just didn't want him to spend all of his off days doing housework.  His job is more physically draining, and mine is sitting around, so it actually felt pretty nice to be up and moving.

I have news.  I have a job interview on Monday.  I'm very excited about it.

I feel like a different person.  I bought a laundry rack to take care of my bougie work clothes.  Who knows what's next.  Maybe I'll buy an iron.  😆  Actually, I have a clothes steamer that works really well, so maybe I don't need an iron.  We'll see.

I have misplaced one of my nice bougie blazers, but I think it will turn up.  I hope so.  I currently have no idea where it is, but I'm working on that.

I know this was another long ramble, but it helps me to get my thoughts out.

I hope you all are doing well.  If not, please reach out to me.  I'm happy to help give pointers to get things going in the right direction.  I am not a doctor, but I have struggled for a long time and could possibly help you get your symptoms under control.

Anyway, I'm calling it a night.  I love you and I miss you.  Goodnight.  💙 

The rainbows and the sunsets here never get old.

The rainbows and the sunsets here never get old.

I've been told twice this week that I look happy.

I've been told twice this week that I look happy.

And I do. Because I am.

It's not like I wasn't able to feel happiness before medication, because I did. I had happy moments. But never just a sustained happiness.

Before meds, I could only feel things if they were strong or if I was focused on the feeling. Now I can notice my feelings and feel them. I really think that starting medication will help therapy be more effective. I was always good at picking things apart with logic, but I think that can only take you so far. Your body is part of the process, too.

Speaking of... I haven't had a migraine since starting ADHD meds, and they were becoming so frequent that I was getting ready to ask to see a specialist about them. So, that's interesting.

The way the tired hit me last night...

The way the tired hit me last night, I barely made it up the stairs. I forgot to feed Adrian (Shaun did it), flossed one tooth (I guess TECHNICALLY, 1 time between 2 teeth), and laid down. 😂😂😂

I was so exhausted yesterday...

I was so exhausted yesterday that I went to sleep at 8 pm.

Now I'm ok again.

Nice.

It was definitely after midnight that I fell asleep...

It was definitely after midnight that I fell asleep, likely closer to 1. And I'm awake now, with minimal fuss.

I like it.

Before, if I didn't get my 12 hours and a nap, I couldn't function.

This is much better.

I should be asleep, but...

I should be asleep, but there seems to be a very specific window of time in the evenings when my ADHD meds have worn off just enough that I'm tired, but are still in my system enough to quiet my brain and allow me to fall asleep easily. I missed that window today.

I got started studying for CompTIA Sec+, and it was too interesting. 😅

Speaking of, do any of y'all have any good resources for courses and/or study material for that certification?

Fuck.

Fuck.

I just bit Adrian.

It's been a few days since I've been on here much.

It's been a few days since I've been on here much.  The internship + commute are keeping me busy, so by the time I get home, I eat, do my Duolingo, and basically go to bed.  I might scroll reddit for a few minutes, but then my body shuts down and I SLEEP.  It's nice.  I am really enjoying waking up feeling rested.

This morning I got up around 9 and talked to Shaun after I had my breakfast.  I have not been able to engage in any meaningful conversation at home with him over the last year because I was constantly in fight or flight, so I'd have to change my environment (like go on a date) in order to focus on him.  But we talked for several hours and have a tentative game plan for how we'd like things to be moving forward.

I noticed another thing this week regarding being medicated for ADHD.  I've been able to set and keep boundaries.  Yes, I always knew logically that they were important, but knowing about something and being able to DO SOMETHING are two entirely different things.

I think that being able to do this now extends from a similar place of me being able to feel my body and my needs, which I struggled with before.  For example, my bodily functions (like peeing or eating); if it wasn't an emergency, it wasn't on my radar, but now it is.

At this moment, it doesn't feel wrong or stress me out to look out for myself or say that I need to rest or leave a task for tomorrow.  Things can need to be done without needing to be an emergency.  It's really ok.  This is such a better headspace to be in.

I am still having a lot of feelings, but that's ok.  I am just taking them as they come.

One of the feelings that I have right now is ambition and an eagerness to do things, but I am not taking on any other tasks or responsibilities right now.  I think it would be in my best interest to just do my best at the internship, and if I have leftover energy, to do things like update my app, swatch my polish, or check off any number of other things on my list.  I actually checked a couple of things off today, which feels really nice.

I am grateful that I feel better, but I definitely do not believe that 20+ years of exhaustion and stress melted off of my body and mind with the addition of one little pill over the last week.  I want to give myself space to rest and heal, as much as that could be possible, given my current workload of internship and teaching.

What's funny is that before medication, I would have jumped into a new thing with both feet, consequences be damned.  I really love this version of myself.  I love that I am able to pause, check in with myself, and make a decision from there.  I feel like in a lot of ways, I'm just now getting to know me because I couldn't find myself under the chaos before.  I am excited for this journey.

I feel like a Chaos Goblin.

I feel like a Chaos Goblin. I bet this is why people can exercise. I might have to try that again now that my wiring is corrected. 😂

The way I just stopped this guy...

The way I just stopped this guy working outside and bought him breakfast in exchange for a hug. I've had an emotional weekend and no squeezes because Shaun is sick and I've avoided him.

I got to practice my Spanish, as well.

Oh my wow.

Oh my wow. I've never had one of these bloom before! I'm so excited!!!

But she's stinky. 😂 Like something dead.

I...

I removed my gel overlay because it was peeling and a mess. I have also replaced it.

I don't think I've ever had time to do plants and nails in the same day.

I also washed my work clothes.

There are a few things left to do (feed Tort Baby, feed Habibi, and sweep/clean the litter boxes in the sunroom).

I would normally struggle through doing the animal work (but do it because I care about them), and neglect everything else.

This is wild. I feel like I have so much more time now.

I have finished watering my plants, and now I'm resting.

I have finished watering my plants, and now I'm resting.

I'm usually not out of bed before 1pm unless I HAVE to be.

I usually put off chores until THE LAST MINUTE. I'll be in the greenhouse watering plants by lamp at night because I couldn't function well enough to use the free daylight.

I don't want to sound overly dramatic, but ADHD meds are allowing me to be the person I've always wanted to be; the person I could only be in fits and starts; when the moon was in the right phase, Freddie Mercury was drinking Gatorade, AND I held my mouth just right. It was unpredictable when I could do things when and how I wanted, and the cost for that burst of "correctness" was high.

If other people's advice on how to exist doesn't work for you, I think it would be in your best interest to be tested. This shit is literally a disability. But it's one that may have a solution, and I'm telling you that the relief is real, and that you deserve it.

There's nothing quite like a morning in New Mexico.

There's nothing quite like a morning in New Mexico. I'm so grateful I'm awake to see it.

Tiny little Adrian. In the big ass tub. 😂

Tiny little Adrian. In the big ass tub. 😂

I forgot to turn off my alarm for the holiday.

I forgot to turn off my alarm for the holiday.

Normally, I'd be super upset and immediately go back to sleep.

Today, I am not mad. I'm also not as groggy as I normally am when unexpectedly waking up.

Since I want to water some plants before it gets hot and need to work on shifting my schedule, I have very easily decided to stay awake and get the day started.

I do feel like I could sleep more, but it doesn't feel like I HAVE TO in order to function.

Suddenly, everyone's advice on how to shift a schedule, get things done, etc., makes sense. It's do-able for a lot of people.

I have felt broken all of my life for failing at many "easy" things. And I guess I was, but I didn't know in what way. It really wasn't until the last few years that I started to suspect I have ADHD. And even then, I was SUPER doubtful. But the change this medication has made has literally been life-changing.

Day 3 of generic Ritalin.

If any of my struggle posts resonate with you, please do yourself a favor and get an evaluation. It's never too late for life to get easier.

Today has been pretty good.

Today has been pretty good.

I visited a friend this morning, and didn't even have to lay down about it after I got home.  I did nap this afternoon, but that was unrelated.  It was just rest.

We went to a thrift store, and I didn't buy anything.  I am usually very impulsive in shopping situations, but I didn't even have to try hard not to be.  I just kind of... wasn't.

When I was getting ready to leave to see my friend, I took some trash from my room to the dumpster.  It had been in a bag, waiting for me to take it down, for over a week.  If it had been effortless to do it before, I would have done it before.  Today, it was.  And I did.

This is crazy.

I've been a little headache-y this afternoon/evening, but our AC downstairs isn't working and Shaun seems to have the flu, (which I am desperately trying not to catch), so besides the stress of those things and my meds wearing off from this morning, I think that is understandable.  Also, I keep taking my glasses off because it feels like my eyes are changing again, so that could have something to do with it, as well.

I wanted to do my nails today and devote tomorrow to my plants, but I don't know if it's going to happen.  It's already 8:30 and I don't know if I want to start nails this late when I should be keeping an eye on my schedule.  It would be really better for me to be waking up at 6 rather than 8 since I have to leave the house for my internship...

Which, btw, went quite well.  To me, it was a very good week.  I really liked all of the people I met, and I am excited about the project I'm working on.  There are possibly some open positions that will be available soon, so I am hoping that they decide to keep me.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now.  Tl;dr:  Ritalin is life-changing, AC busted, Shaun sick, internship good.

💙💙💙

Y'ALL.

Y'ALL.

I had my breakfast, as usual.

THEN, I took out the trash, took out the recycling, emptied the dishwasher and reloaded it, refilled the soap dispenser, and fed the tortoise (none of which were emergencies).

Poor Shaun usually handles the day stuff because my brain is always in panic mode trying to do the "novel" tasks (building apps, taking classes, etc.). If left to my own devices, those things would hit critical mass before I could tackle them.

But not today!

Shaun's not feeling well which is why these things weren't already done when I woke up. And even when he's not feeling well I usually struggle to support him.

But today, it was all but effortless.

I really feel like I'm on my way to being my best self.

I've always been the sleepiest motherfucker in the land...

I started taking a generic of Ritalin this morning.

I started taking a generic of Ritalin this morning.

I did feel a bit tight in the chest and kind of warm (when I usually run cold) earlier in the day, but that has pretty much faded.

For the last week-10 days or so, on advice of my therapist, I have been playing puzzle games in books rather than on my phone. For one, I used to do that with my MaMaw a lot, so it feels nice to be doing that again. For two, it's been a way to keep my mind engaged without doom-scrolling and getting distracted on the internet.

I have some observations:

1)  I am able to focus better and don't have to recount the numbers on Sudoku repeatedly to make sure I can tell what's missing.

2)  I have made a few mistakes on the Sudoku puzzles, but instead of going to the back of the book to get it straightened out, I have been able to figure it out myself. That has never happened before in my life, and I've been doing these since childhood. Once I'm confused, I either need help or to start over. So I feel that I am more able to follow the threads in my mind, if that makes sense?  Due to being able to hold things in my mind, I have already been solving the puzzles better and faster with fewer mistakes, and seeing other patterns and logic that I never saw before.

3)  Using breathing to help with the physical anxiety... if that's what's the chest tightness is called? I used to hate when people would advise me to breathe in and out. It would literally piss me off! It's like, "Now I have to think about something that my body does involuntarily?!" And it never relaxed any part of me that needed relaxing. But for the chest tightness today, it does feel nice and it does help.

4)  I needed to use the bathroom and went before it was an emergency BECAUSE I COULD FEEL IT BEFORE IT WAS AN EMERGENCY. On the way up the stairs, I took up some towels that needed to go up because I wasn't rushing because I wasn't having an emergency.  I also ended a text conversation with Shaun because I wanted to, and did it before I was irritated and rude to him.  I can feel things before they are critical.

5)  In general, I feel a bit more calm. Like, if I don't act on my thoughts in the moment, it's ok, because I'll be able to recall them. They feel less fleeting, I guess?

6)  I was able to watch an episode of TV with Shaun without scrolling or working on something else or falling asleep.

7)  I think I relaxed?  I reclined in the chair, shut my eyes, and I don't know if I fell asleep.  But I was able to just... rest?  Guilt free?  Without anxiety?

It's been an emotional rollercoaster.  I have felt relief.  I have felt anger.  I have felt sorrow.  I have ugly-cried so many times today.

I love logic and puzzles and math and computer science, but to learn those things, I've relied heavily on pattern-recognition and repetition.  But that doesn't cut it on more complex issues.  I hated math proofs.  I suck at coding.  And now I'm wondering what would happen if I tried those things again?  What could I learn?  What could I do?

Getting through college was so incredibly hard.  I suffered.  Like, a lot.  I cared so much, and I did my best, and I had mental breakdown after mental breakdown from 2015-2020.  It meant SO MUCH for me to graduate and get a job and try to pull us out of poverty.  It felt like life or death.  The stakes were high.  And now I look back and I'm like "That could have been a lot easier.  And I could have gotten more out of it."

I'm not going to dwell on things.  There is no one to even blame.  Had my teachers or parents noticed that I was struggling (which was unlikely due to how hard I masked), girls/women weren't usually treated for ADHD when I was growing up.  As a young adult, I never had insurance to get myself tested or medicated, nor did I even suspect that I was doing life on Hard Mode.

I don't really know what else to say.  I'm going to allow myself to grieve.  It's valid.  It hurts.  But I'm going to try to put my newfound focus into my career.  I'm just going to keep pushing forward like I always do... because really, what else is there to be done?

Fucking weeping.

Fucking weeping.

Straight up sobbing.

OMG.

It's been an eventful week.

It's been an eventful week.

To go from resting and doing housework and teaching part-time and working on my app when I feel like it, to having expectations of being a place, looking decent, and doing things 5-days a week, plus still teaching is a big change.  I've been EXHAUSTED.

On top of that, I got myself stranded on Wednesday.  My little EV ran out of energy.  I don't know if I was just goofy and didn't shut the door all the way or it didn't charge fully then night before or what, but by lunch time I thought I was probably in trouble.  I did make it to a charging station, but one that didn't work with my car.  I had to get towed.  But, I made a friend!  The super nice guy who towed me home let me ride home in the truck with him.  He was really chill and we just chatted the whole way.  It was nice.  Probably one of the best "I'm stranded" experiences I've ever had, and that's saying something because I've had A LOT.  🫠

Last night, the kids packed the freezer too full and it couldn't circulate air, so a bunch of the food melted and had to be tossed.  It was an accident and I don't think they'll do it again.  The freezer needed a good cleaning out, anyway, but it sucks that they lost some food they had just bought.

Also, our modem or something died last night, so I have a hotspot on so I can be on my laptop momentarily.  I don't really know what's going on, but I'm too tired to care.  😅  I am REALLY grateful for the long weekend because I need it.  Gotta catch up on my rest to be ready for another week.  Plus, I need to try out the ADHD meds and see if they help me or make me weird or what.

Goodnight, y'all.  I am D.O.N.E.

The ADHD test...

It opened this time!

It opened this time! How exciting!

The first day of the internship went well!

The first day of the internship went well!

I met so many people today. I walked more than I expected to and got some heel blisters. I had on sunblock and still got some sun. But I made it through the day! I came home, had a nap, then held office hours for class. Then I had dinner and now I'm getting ready for bed.

Everyone was super welcoming to us, and the people I interacted with communicated very straightforwardly, so I feel like this is going to be a great 12 weeks for me. I don't know if I'm cut out for corporate work or not, but I do know I felt very comfortable discussing ideas and asking questions right away. In general, I say what I need to say and try to be as polite as possible, but sometimes I feel that I'm too straightforward for professional environments, and I didn't feel that way today. 

We got a good understanding of what our goal/project is for these 12 weeks. We're working in ServiceNow, and I'm so glad to be getting back into some dev work. We don't have access to our laptops yet, but I'm ready to dive in!

I'm very excited to see how our project is going to turn out. I feel like it's going to be hard for me not to hyperfocus on it, but at least I am interested. That should keep me going for a while. I still have my ADHD results appointment (at least I hope that's what it is) on Thursday, so if I need to try meds or anything like that, then at least I will have my interest as backup. 😂

I am still really hoping that there is medication that can help me function in a more level way, without relying on hyperfocus, novelty, or cortisol. But until we get that worked out, I think I'll be ok.

Anyway, I'm heading to bed. I'm exhausted and have a decently long commute, so I have to get up early. Thank you all for the well-wishes today!

💙💙💙

Do you think she has enough room? 😂😂😂

Do you think she has enough room? 😂😂😂

Heading to bed.

Toebean is no longer unsure...

Toebean is no longer unsure about the TMNT blanket. He's sleeping so good, but I need to get up.

Cats. 🤷🏻

A few more flowers from today. They are showing out! 😊

A few more flowers from today. They are showing out! 😊

Look at this bad girl.

Look at this bad girl. She's so happy to be back upstairs. She's not supposed to be on the counter, but she has 0 regrets. 😂

She's an old lady. I'm just gonna let that slide and let her live her best life. 🤣😊

Some flowers and buds today. 😊

Some flowers and buds today. 😊

I'm excited to have caught the white flower. I've missed it every other time it has bloomed. Also, my Huernia Zebrina has two flowers for the first time.

I'm hoping to see the two buds bloom. The larger one has budded twice, but it fell off before blooming both times. The smaller bud is the first I've had from that plant, so it would be very exciting to see it open.

Happy Birthday to my favorite Husbang!

Happy Birthday to my favorite Husbang! (It doesn't matter that he's the only one I've ever had; he's still my favorite!) 🥰

He's been trying to relax since he got off work, but we have a little thunderstorm coming through, so he's on Papa duty with Cub. Cub ain't about going through a storm un-medicated and un-cuddled. 😂

I checked a couple of things off my to-do list.

Not the app stuff, because I've been stress-headaching all day... but stuff that required less brain power. It still counts.

I don't think he likes my new blanket. 😂😂😂

I don't think he likes my new blanket. 😂😂😂

It's 2-something in the morning...

It's 2-something in the morning, so probably no one will see this.  That's ok.  I'm just having a little ramble.

It's confirmed:  I start my Internship on Monday the 31st.  I'll be doing dev work in ServiceNow, and it'll be nice to be hands-on again.  I will be full-time, in person, until November.  Hopefully, it will lead to employment after that.  I am excited.  Also, I have some really nice professional clothing that I likely won't have a chance to wear outside of working, so I'm excited to be able to wear it.

I won't have my ADHD evaluation results until after the Internship starts, but I can survive on the novelty of something new and the adrenaline of being in-person for a bit.  I would like for things to be easier while functioning in a "normal" sort of way... like, a way that won't burn me out, but I gotta do what I gotta do.

I do have some anxiety; I tend to have imposter syndrome big time.  Also, I was like "UGH, I hope I don't work with anyone that skeets their feet."  If you don't know what that means, just be glad that sounds don't hurt you and you don't have to worry about things like that.  As much as I'd like to talk about it, I learned growing up that if you showed a weakness it would be used against you, so I'm not giving more details than that.

Since I'm not in my "retail therapy" era (anymore), I'm over here feeling a bit more calm and like I'm making progress on my really long list of things that, IF accomplished, would make me feel like I have my shit together.  So that is something.

I deep cleaned two bathrooms recently.  The third one belongs to Shadow and Kira and they can handle that.  Shaun's usually the scrubber and I'm usually the de-clutter-er, but with him working as much as he is, I stepped up because it was bothering me.

I know it's not the most elegant solution, but the downstairs bathroom is small, so I got an over-the-toilet shelf to hold towels and extra toilet paper, etc.  The under-sink cabinet in there was stuffed, and I really hate running out of tissue.  The issue with the shelf is that a towel bar was mounted above the toilet because it's next to the shower.  But also, the area in front of the toilet is next to the shower, as well.  But that is where the hand towel loops are, so you have to turn around from the sink to dry your hands.

Anyway, I took the towel bar down so I could put up my shelf.  Maybe tomorrow I will take the hand towel loops down and put them to the right of the sink and move the towel bar to where the loops were.  I know this is not interesting to read, but that was not the best use of space and it really started to bother me once I noticed it.  I am also now bothered because the toilet and shower/tub are white, but the sink is beige marble.  I never noticed that before.  We're not planning on doing any renovations anytime soon, but when we do, that is now on my radar.

Still on bathrooms, I also cleaned the one in our bedroom.  Part of that consisted of repotting my Monstera in there into a semi-hydro setup because I was tired of dirt coming out of the pots every time I watered them, and they are thirsty AF.  So that is much better.  Also, do y'all close your toilets before you flush?  You absolutely should.  Look up "toilet spray."

Anyway, I've done some errands, done some plant stuff, decluttered a bit, and did my nails.  I haven't painted them yet, but I plan to before Monday.

In general, I felt that we were pretty organized, but I discovered a box of cotton swabs after I'd already bought another box.  I find that to be really annoying.  So I think now I'm entering my "less is more" era.  We ordered pizza again the other day.  We've had one dinner date (me and Shaun), and we'll probably go out to eat on Sunday because Shaun's birthday is Saturday, but he works until 6 on Saturday and now I'll be working starting Monday, so that will be our only chance.  But what I'm trying to say is that we've been very good about not spending money on stuff or going out, and I'm proud of us.

Since starting work, Shaun has lost weight.  He never looked too big to me because he's muscular and tall, but he's 215 lbs, down from 240ish.  It's just because he's up moving and not sitting around snacking, I guess.  I hate that that doesn't work for me.  🫠  I'm basically microdosing compounded Semaglutide to maintain at 125, which is still a little heavier than I want to be, but oh well.  Maybe me working full time will help, but I don't see it happening.  Not to be negative; it's just never been simple for me or made sense to me before, so I don't see why it would change now.

The only other thing I plan to do before starting the internship is push some app updates.  I have some good feedback from the live Beta tests.  So that, and nail polish.  Oh, and a hair trim.  I'm a mess.

I've also been thinking pretty heavy about doing some press-ons for Halloween.  If I'm gonna do that, I should start my designs soon.  I feel pretty ok to do that now; before, I was too overwhelmed.  We'll see.

Anyway, if you read this:  WHY?!  😆😆😆

I kind of hate when I post long updates with too many subjects, but pretty often I just don't have the energy to write something (so I don't do it frequently), and I'm not always in a thoughtful mood, and social media can be a chore/demand on my time, and I don't know.  I'm just trying to live.

But I hope y'all are doing well.  I love you and I miss you.  Write back soon.  💙