Ignore our random convo...

Ignore our random convo about the smell of childhood toys (we're watching the He Man movie). This is Bear's daily routine. He has to give his Papa a bath. It's very serious business. 😂🥰

Look at this 'Bean.

Look at this 'Bean. He's all nice and chill as long as I'm not busy. But let me bust out the laptop and he throws paws. 😂 Brat.

I met up with Colleen today...

I met up with Colleen today to do a swap and hang out. She gave me this box of plants. All I gave her was a shelf and some small pots. I feel like I won the swap. 😂

Since I haven't been shopping/buying plants, this is giving my brain all of the happy feels.

It was a good time! 😊

My app is live in the stores!

My app is live in the stores!

Android:  https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.bluprintdesign.polishallthethings

Apple:  https://testflight.apple.com/join/NayUU2fN

We're trying hard to convince this lab mix...

We're trying hard to convince this lab mix that water is ok. 😂😂😂  He'll do almost anything for treats.

Cubba did great today. 😊

Haha. Me posting about feeling pretty good a few days ago...

Haha. Me posting about feeling pretty good a few days ago, only to spend the last 2 days in bed doing nothing.

Gotta love this shit.

I can't even pinpoint the cause of it.

I have a slight suspicion that part of it is the possibility of working full time again and/or putting my app in the stores. That's more change and more anxiety and a dream becoming "real" / putting myself out there for criticism.

Also, I've been sleeping like crap still. I don't like the way my body feels on my sheets. I can barely tolerate clothing and have been wearing nightgowns (unless I'm leaving the house) for the last 2 weeks. My knees hurt when they mash into each other. There's still lingering cat hair tickling me that I hope will eventually wash more completely out. I'm always too hot or too cold. I need my weighted blanket, but I get sweaty. I have to pee about 5 times per night.

My sleep used to be a lot better. I also wonder if I have sleep apnea.

Fun times.

I had to go have myself fingerprinted for a job opportunity...

I had to go have myself fingerprinted for a job opportunity.

The lady who did my prints recognized my last name and said she thinks she did my husband's fingerprints a few weeks ago, which tracks because Shaun started a new job recently.

She remembered the story of our last name (we mashed up our maiden names to make something new together), and also said that he seems to adore me because he lit up when he was talking about us.

I told her he's the best and I adore him, too.

That was so random, but it was really sweet and made my day. 🩷

Between the sun cooking my plants and the rodents chewing them...

Between the sun cooking my plants and the rodents chewing them, we have some recovery to do.

Shaun plugged up any spaces where mice could get in, and we put up another shade cloth. No new damage so far.

Succulents are so tough. That's why they're my favorite.

Having a ramble.

Having a ramble.

Tl;dr:  I am feeling pretty good.

The last few days since I got my app officially into Beta on the sites, I've been feeling like a weight has been lifted.  I don't know if it was bogging me down carrying it in my head this whole time, but I just FEEL better.  So far, the only feedback has been small visual tweaks (like how things display on different sized screens), not like anything is majorly malfunctioning.  I am very happy with that.

I think getting it mostly out of my head has been good for my burnout recovery.  I've done laundry, I've been doing self-care (like showering more, wearing clean clothes every day, etc.), and taking care of my plants - even when it was daunting.  I am feeling more on top of things than I have in a great long while.  It's nice.

Before I came home from Houston, I had decided that I was done with retail therapy.  I love to buy plants and nail polish, but those small hits of dopamine were basically being canceled out later by the work they created.  For example, swatching a polish and adding it to my database, or potting a plant.  Those small tasks were adding up and keeping me feeling perpetually behind.

My plants are mostly settled... I have a few in the house that I'd like to move to the greenhouse, and a couple left to repot.  I have probably 16 drawers of unswatched nail polish.  They aren't alive, so they can wait.  But the point is that now I feel like I am not drowning in my tasks.  I can do things, and it's not a battle.

It was good timing on my part that I had decided to be done with retail therapy, because when I got back from my trip, Shaun was like "Hey, we're getting down to the wire financially."  That sucks, but it was nice to be on the same page.  So, I haven't shopped in about 3 weeks.  We haven't even eaten out anywhere or ordered DoorDash.  And for whatever reason, I feel zen about it.  I don't know why, but when I make a decision, it's easy to stick to it.  Getting myself to that point of "Decision Made" is the hard part.  😅

I think I'm gonna go clean off my desk before office hours tonight.  That's the next thing that has been bothering me.

I think I'm also going to list some clothes on Depop.  Have any of you done that?  The kids have been buying clothes for cheap from there and it seems like it's worth a shot to try to offload some of the things I have that I won't likely be wearing again.  I've also seen ThredUp, but I probably don't have much that's worth doing consignment for.  But it feels like a good time to clean out the closet.  And maybe the garage.  And in general just purge what is unused.

I spent most of the day...

I spent most of the day watering and fertilizing the greenhouse plants. I didn't do it last month, but I wasn't skipping again.

I left my phone in the house and just enjoyed my plants from 4 to 10 pm. I had to take a lamp out to finish up, but I got it done.

I hope they'll start plumping up again by morning. I'm excited to go check on them.

After the mealy bugs, the sun roasting some of them, then the mice coming in and eating/destroying about 60 of them, I was feeling really discouraged and overwhelmed. But even the chewed ones are hanging in there, thank goodness.

Well, ok, actually...

Well, ok, actually...

Google has it up.

Test link only works if I have your email (for now):

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.bluprintdesign.polishallthethings

Yesterday must have been too good.

Yesterday must have been too good.  I woke up at 5 am with a letdown migraine.  🫠

Last night before I went to bed, my iPhone testers were having trouble with installing the app, so I ended up putting it on the app store with TestFlight.  The app is in review by Apple for *OFFICIAL* Beta.

Since I put it on Apple late last night, I thought "Why not put it on the Google Play store for their Beta, too?  So I did that today.

I guess I am taking baby steps into this release.  I'm ok with it.  That is pretty exciting.

I hope I don't wake up with another migraine.  😆😭

I got my plants potted!

I got my plants potted! And now I'm exhausted. 😂

Those 3 cacti that are still there are intentional; they're rooting.

Here is a before and after of my potting desk:

Before:

After:

Bear just came through...

Bear just came through and knocked over about half of my work. 😭😭😭

I went to therapy.

I went to therapy. I've been doing laundry. I've sent my app to some iPhone testers. (Still hoping to submit to the app stores next week.)

There is nothing left to do but pot these plants.

Posting to hold myself accountable. 🌱 🌵

Hey, y'all.

Hey, y'all. If you're in perimenopause and having trouble sleeping, then taking Magnesium Glycinate at night might help you.

Or you could be like the 20% of us for whom it makes things worse.

I didn't know it could be part of the problem. I skipped it last night (because of something I read on reddit), and just slept through the night for the first time IN AGES.

I keep trying to get myself...

I keep trying to get myself to pot the desk full of plants I have in the sunroom. They've been out there uprooted, unwatered, and sad for AT LEAST 2 months.

I did my nails the other day. Laundry today. I had the time; just not the willpower. And I feel guilty because they are alive and need tending to.

I guess I'll try again tomorrow.

Late-night rambles:

Late-night rambles:

I did some self-care today in the form of doing my nails (just plain, but they were popping and peeling off, so this is better), and taking a shower. I'd been a stinky, greasy mess for at least a week. My nails hadn't been done since before I went to Houston. It was just time.

I think the only reason I felt ok to take care of myself is because my app is almost done. Yes, it's been the focus for the past few weeks. Yes, my schedule is messed up. But I'm not burned out. I've been sleeping, just at not the regular times.

My plan is to have it on the app stores on their beta tracks next week. I've been fixing and adjusting small things here and there. I am basically to the "paperwork" stage. I need screenshots of certain sizes for Apple. I'm gonna hit up some friends because my test phone is too small.

I've been talking to users through the app, which just blows my mind. I've built a thing, and it works... Well, at least part of it! 😅 I'm so freaking excited!

Now that the app stuff is not taking up all of my brain and my nails are protected, I can put away the laundry I piled up in the closet, as well as pot up the plants I've left neglected in the sunroom for the last 2 months. I might even clean my desk. 😂 I don't know what all I'm gonna do, but I feel a lot better. I guess I just needed to get all of my ideas out of me. If nothing else, it felt both like a dream, but also good for my career. It'll be nice to have a thing completed for my resume.

I've been kind of a mess, but I'm hanging in here. I'm slowly but surely starting to feel better and get things done.

I think that soon I will be able to handle people again. I really miss a lot of people that I've been pretty absent with for the last few months, but I just needed to recalibrate and I think most everyone understands.

Anyway, I'm about to change my sheets and get in this fresh bed. Hopefully, I will sleep through the night instead of waking up at crazy hours. We'll see.

I love you and I miss you. 💙

Our favorite holidays:

Our favorite holidays:  The twice-yearly, in-home terrorizations. 🙄

He's serving face today. 😂

He's serving face today. 😂

I so love this baby goblin. 💕

Look at this dog. 😂😂😂

Look at this dog. 😂😂😂

Pardon the chewed and clawed chair. We've given up on having anything nice with so many fur-kids in the house.

Bear had a dream...

Bear had a dream and barked himself awake, so now we're outside while he patrols and walks it off.

It's nice out, and I snagged this picture of the moon behind a blooming Yucca.

I'm really tired and headache-y, but I feel gratitude in this moment.

So, I hate this.

So, I hate this.

I hate being the one working part-time and being responsible for the house.

As soon as we're back on our feet, I'mma need my trophy husband to take a demotion and work part time and let me do the hustling.

I literally can't think straight about anything with all of the house stuff in my periphery.

I was supposed to sign up for a certification by yesterday, and it slipped my mind. It was IMPORTANT. Thankfully, the deadline was extended and I'll be ok, but it's not ok that I forgot.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm the more driven one. My focus is needed on my career. Shaun can work part-time just to give me some alone time in the house.

I don't think this current setup is gonna help with my burnout recovery at all. This last week and a half has been rough.

(I know we're privileged that we can get by on one income, but I did fight my way into tech for that reason. We'll be able to pay bills, but not save. We still have to figure that out unless I want to work until I die. Fun.)

Speaking of Shaun going to work...

Speaking of Shaun going to work...

I accidentally pulled an all-nighter again.  Not last night, but the night before.

I was working on my app and pretty into it, and before I knew it, it was midnight.  And I was tired and wanted to go to bed, but Shaun and Cubba were sleeping upstairs and he has to get up at 5 for work, which I knew would wake me up, so I was like "Should I even bother?"  And it turns out that no, I didn't bother.  I just continued my work and made a lot of good progress.

And you know what?  I have missed being able to just "get in the zone" and do work.  I don't like trying to manage myself and do things in moderation.  It's not fun or rewarding and it's not like I can just turn "the zone" on and off.

No, I shouldn't have not slept.  Obviously.  I was tired and could have, but it felt pointless in that moment.  I don't plan to do that again.  But like, why is it so wrong to exist the way I do?  Just because I am expected by society to hold down a 9-5?  It's so dumb.  I am a really productive person when left to my own devices.  I like to get shit done.  I get not going hard to the point of burning out, but like, can't I just go moderately hard?  Baby hard?  Any kind of hard at all?

Just screaming into the void, I guess.

Carry on.

Life Update:

Life Update:

Shaun got a job that he has to leave the house to go to.  I was unsure if it was doing me any good to have time unperceived until I just caught myself badly singing at more than a whisper.  So I guess I do feel a bit more free for some hours per week now, which is nice.

I feel like I have a thing that has been nagging at me for many years, but I haven't been able to put into words.  I'm gonna try it now, so bear with me as I stumble through this.  I don't know where this came from, but I feel like I feel (for me, anyway) that my partner is supposed to be impressed by me; that they should always see me at my best.

Obviously, that is not reality.  Shaun has seen me vomit so hard I peed myself.  He's seen me through MANY a mental breakdown.  He's literally been here with me (for almost 20 years at this point) through the good, the bad, and the ugly.  He is the most solid person I've ever had in my life.

But there are many things that I feel reserved about doing in his presence.  I don't really sing, dance, or try to improve myself/my physical skills when he is perceiving me.  To explain further, he would like to work out/exercise together.  I don't want to do that because he "should" only see the results of my efforts in that case, not my efforts.  I don't tap or drum on things because it is not something I practice anymore, and I don't want him to see how hard I have to try in order to "get it right;" I'd rather he just see/hear me do it and think it's good.

I feel like this hearkens back to the day of women waking up early and doing hair and makeup before their husbands wake up for the day.  Despite not having a husband, I was doing this shit in elementary school.  I would get up at 5 am to hot-roll my hair and put on makeup.  I spent many years sleeping uncomfortably on curlers and painting my face despite how bad it felt on my psoriasis because I only wanted to be perceived "at my best."  When I had my son at 17, things started dropping from my routine because, well, priorities.  I still wore makeup and put some effort into my hair, but not as much; I think not long after having him is the first time I cut my hair above my shoulders.  It was maybe 7 years later that I stopped shaving my body hair and ended up shaving my head.  I never felt ok with the inconsistency of being perceived in makeup with hair done and shaven versus how I exist naturally.  I'm guessing it's the Autism with the yes/no, on/off, black/white extremes, but I felt that if you were EVER going to see me in my "undone" state, then you should ALWAYS see me that way.

Shaun had definitely seen me un-made because when we met, I was working as a pet bather at PetSmart and I did not wear makeup for that job.  But I started working at the same place as him and wore makeup to work one day because I wanted him to think I was pretty, and he pointed it out (just in an observational way).  So I was caught - he remembered that I wasn't as pretty as I was trying to pretend to be, so I literally have never worn makeup since that day.  (I know how that sounds, but honestly, no shade and no shame to people who wear makeup; this is entirely a me-thing that I am trying to work through.)  Don't get me wrong - dropping it from my routine was a HUGE relief.  I never felt good at it.  I never enjoyed doing it.  I hated the way it felt on my skin.  I hated the tugging and the touching of putting it on.  I hated having to remove it.  I was glad to be done.  I was very happy to be able to exist in consistency and have that be enough.

But there are things that I am not good at.  I'm not a good singer or dancer.  In band, some of the drummers could just bust out with great rhythms and I'm sure they practiced away from me, but I only saw the fruits of their labor.  For me, I had to practice a ton just to get the basics.  So these are the things that I keep to myself or only do when unperceived, although I find them to be fun.

I am also not as physically fit as I used to be, or as fit as I'd like to be.  Shaun has always been in great shape; I swear when we met, he looked like a Greek statue.  Even though he's gained some weight over the years, he carries it so well because of how tall and muscular he is.  If he wants to lose weight, he is just more mindful of what he eats.  Meanwhile, I'd already had a child when we met.  I bounced back pretty well because of my age and activity level, but I felt that the changes to my body were still obvious, especially on my belly and breasts.  When I started gaining weight (due to stress, bad healthcare, Shaun taking me out to eat frequently, etc.), it was impossible to lose.  I tried counting calories and have a journal of what I'd eat in a day.  I was miserable.  I tried fasting.  Fasting felt good, but I was inconsistent and always went overboard on eat days.  It wasn't until getting thyroid medication and starting a GLP-1 that I felt I could actually have any sort of control over my weight.

I do want and need to start strength training for my bone health and because I'm sure I'd look a lot better and I've never really known what it's like to feel physically strong and that sounds fun, but I feel like this is a situation I'd need a class or mentor for.  I have tried a few times alone over the years and don't want to do it by myself.  I can't stay motivated.  But put me in a class?  Yeah, I'm gonna try to ace it.

It's so stupid because Shaun is literally right here and has experience with building muscle, but I want to look good FOR him, not with him.  😅  I fucking hate this.  Why do I care if he sees me struggle?  It wouldn't be the first time, but he usually sees me struggling mentally, not physically.  Also, when I'm home, I'm relaxing.  I don't want to work out here.  And I don't want to go to a gym with him.  If I'm hanging out with him, I want to have fun, not be doing work.  He is my relaxing space.  It doesn't feel nice to have him push me, I think.  Yeah, I definitely don't like it when he has expectations of me.  It feels gross and frustrating.  I want to already be enough/good enough.  And it's not like he ever (intentionally) does anything that makes me feel like I'm not, but entering into a learning situation is literally saying "I'm not enough.  I'm not where I want to be.  Teach me." and that is an ok space to be vulnerable and improve.  So yeah, I don't want him to see me that way, and I don't really know how to change that.  I also feel like I don't have very much control over my body, in a way.  Like, never once have I been able to make a physical change that I wanted to happen, happen, so it almost feels pointless to even try.

So, all this is to say that I do still mask around him/when he's home, but far less than I do with anyone else.  It still costs me energy to do it, so hopefully having him gone to work will allow me to slow/stop the constant small energy leak while I work with my therapist on just taking the damn thing off for good.  I don't know.  But as usual, I'm a work in progress.

When you scare your own child.

When you scare your own child. Look at those hackles! 😂😭

All I did was come downstairs for the first time today. I wasn't feeling well, so I didn't verbally greet everyone. I'm pretty sure Bear doesn't have good vision. He plays fetch like you play with a human baby:  Throw the ball too far or too fast, and it ceases to exist. Rolling the ball is best.

So yeah. I came downstairs and that was his reaction. "Hell naw, to the naw, naw, naw." 🤣🤣🤣 He peaced out so fast! It took some convincing to get him to come back in the house. He was UNSURE. 😂

I've read about this from more than one source...

I've read about this from more than one source and find it both distressing and helpful.

Simply resting more was really not bringing me back to a more functional state. When I say things like "I don't know how to exist/be a person anymore." this is exactly what I mean.

I have functioned one way for 43 years, and it no longer works for me. I literally don't know exactly what steps I have to take to get back to some version of "ok", but I know that whatever my future looks like, it will have to be different from the past. That is infinitely vague. 😅😭

Hermiting has helped a bit. As a recovering people-pleaser, being less socially available has reduced demands a lot, but as a social creature with "golden retriever energy" (per my son), it's also not sustainable. I have to learn to protect my energy while still maintaining friendships, and I don't know what that looks like. I'm starting with shorter hangouts and not taking any tasks, but will my people still feel loved? I don't know, and that's scary.

I am (hopefully) going to be working full-time again within the next few months. What does that look like? Will people want to work with me still if I don't/can't agree to everything? Small talk drains my life force with a quickness. I prefer written instructions vs. verbal. How do I navigate that?  Give me a prioritized list and I'm great. Is it ok to just say it? Is that asking for an accommodation and what if my manager doesn't like it?

There is so much I don't know. It feels like a lot to untangle. It is a lot to figure out. And I'm trying, but it's baby steps.

The struggle is real, but I love you and appreciate you for sticking with me through this mess. I hope that whatever relationship we have when I come out on the other side is intact in a way that still works for us both. 💙

I'm up a little late working on app stuff.

I'm up a little late working on app stuff.

I got me a little Adrian kitty to keep me company. 😊 

She's no longer crying to go to the bedroom, so that's nice.

But remember when I said she's been hissy with the other cats?

Phew!

This little lady said "They might have bullied me before, but the tables have turned! 😈"

She's been going after EVERYONE. Just stay outta her damn way. 😂 She's chasing the other cats, slapping dogs, slapping Kira (with claws!) for petting her wrong... She must be in perimenopause, too, because she ain't playing with NOBODY in this house. 😂😂😂

Trigger Warning: Body Stuff

Trigger Warning:  Body Stuff

I am a skin picker. I have always been a skin picker.

I had a small bump right inside my nostril that has been bothering me for about 10 days. I've been trying to squeeze it, and I finally got it today. It was right near my septum, so I had tears just streaming down my face, but I feel so relieved to not have the constant irritation of the bump being there anymore.

Another Victory:  I got spined by one of my cactus plants about a month - six weeks ago. It was right near my cuticle. I wasn't aware that part of the spine had broken off in my skin; the area had been irritated ever since, but looked otherwise healed. It's been itching, so I finally decided to do a little bit of digging and I saw something dark and got it out. I'm EXTREMELY relieved. It wasn't infected or anything, just a minor swollen area. Picture of the spine attached.

Speaking of Skin:  My psoriasis is clearing up thanks to Skyrizi. I've had 2 injections now; just the loading doses. But it's also a sensory relief to not have constantly itchy/flaky/burning skin. My psoriasis hasn't been severe or even moderate in quite a few years, but it was definitely still a pain and a bother and distraction. I'm feeling much better in my skin now, and haven't noticed any negative side effects so far.

Balloons over the mountains.

Balloons over the mountains. I don't know how close they'll get, but it's one of my favorite things about mornings here. 😊

I've still been slowly but surely working towards my goal...

Despite my burnout, I've still been slowly but surely working towards my goal of getting app.polishallthethings.com put on the app stores this month/beginning of July. It's officially in Beta on Android, and will hopefully be for Apple within the next few days. I ended up ordering a cheap iPhone from ebay because of all of Apple's restrictions. It was literally $72, and as a developer, I should probably just own one for testing purposes, if nothing else.

I'm really excited to see it live. If you'd told me at any point in my life before the end of last year that I'd be making an app I've been dreaming of for years, I wouldn't have believed you. I'd have never thought it was possible. I already have a little over 300 users on the website and people listing on the Marketplace, which blows my mind. Life is crazy sometimes.

The top of the profile page. Pretty standard.

Stats on the profile page. The number of polishes/plates/transfers, etc., with info about my most used.

A view of your collection. I like to see it by maker, but you can order it by collection, by date, by event, etc.

One of my favorite pages: Discover. Look for new brands, search polish/polish-related events (like releases), search by color, search for dupes of your favorites, search by color-swatching a photo. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! And the more people who digitally swatch their photos, the better it gets!

This old lady is sleeping too cute.

This old lady is sleeping too cute. She got brushed today and she needed it, bad.

I feel so guilty...

I feel so guilty every time I go upstairs and she wants to go and I can't let her. I'm sleeping so much better without her in my room, though. I need this.

She and the other cats are still a little hissy, but I'm hoping everyone will settle... Eventually.

She's always got a funny face going on. She's had a lot of teeth pulled over the years. I think it is due to genetics. Her brother, Toebean, had to have a bunch pulled, too.

My sweet little Adrian. Ugh, this is so hard.

Adrian spent the night downstairs last night for the first time...

Adrian spent the night downstairs last night for the first time, so that's exciting. She did have a pee accident, even though Shaun has shown her the litter box. I'm hoping she'll adjust to going into the sunroom to use the boxes. Looks like Bear isn't going to make it easy to use the door. 😂😂😂

It would be amazing to get home and be able to sleep through the night because no sweet little kitty is trilling body-slamming me. 😂 I love her so much. She is so precious. But I need SLEEP. 🫠

I'm in Houston for a few more days.

I'm in Houston for a few more days.

Meanwhile, back home...

Shaun and Bear are doing, well... regular Shaun and Bear things. 😂😂😂

I love these two. 🤣😁

Wow.

Wow. Done fucked around and found the ocean.

Gross. 😂

How are agaves living out here?!

I did these nails at the end of May...

I did these nails at the end of May and they ended up being my "going on a trip" nails. I wouldn't have done that self care without my buddy Ryan helping me choose between nails or potting up some plants. I would've probably chosen plants because I put myself last every time, but he put the choices on a wheel and let it choose. I might have to start doing that, because these have been sparking joy that I desperately needed.

Base:  Veri Peri by Varnail
Magnetic:  Silver
Method:  Glass Bead
Chrome Powder:  Fancy by Vettsy

I met my new therapist today.

I met my new therapist today. I'm really optimistic that I can feel better.

Tired and gross, but happy. 💙

Tired and gross, but happy. 💙

I wear entirely too much clothing in Houston.

Maybe the third time will be the charm. 😂

I'm disgusting from singing and dancing in this heat.

I'm disgusting from singing and dancing in this heat.

BUT I TOUCHED CA7RIEL. Does it count as consent if he came off the stage right up to us with our hands outstretched?

I had grabby baby hands and I feel a little rude.

Paco didn't jump down, but put down his mic like he was gonna. I don't know how many times I felt like I was gonna pass out. This was great.

Ca7riel & Paco Amoroso put on an amazing show, again. I would drive 13 hours to see them any day. Hopefully again next year!

Made it to Houston!

Made it to Houston!

It rained off and on the whole drive today, but I'm here! 😁

Ready for the show and to spend time with some friends! 😊

I made it to Texas.

I made it to Texas. Not all the way to Houston yet, though.

The air is so freakin' WET.  Gross. 😂😂😂

So Colorado is really pretty.

So Colorado is really pretty. I didn't know; this was my first time there. The mountains are really nice and the landscape is interesting. I love that there are lava dikes and mounds. It's so cool to see geological features like that right in your face.  (That's one reason why I love New Mexico so much!)  It's also interesting to see preserved dinosaur tracks!

Our 2nd day, we went to Dinosaur Ridge and did the bus tour and checked out the museum.  It was really crazy to see actual dinosaur footprints.  I don't think our photos are going to do it justice; it's not as easy to see the tracks in bright sun in person, much less via photo. But it was a really fun experience and I'd love to take the kids one day.

They let me dig in the sandbox for fossils - they said I was short enough. 😂  Shaun found one from afar (it wasn't even buried) and I found my own by digging. They let us keep them. Of course, they are just molds of real fossils, but it was still really cool.  I always want to do all of the things. 😁

Overall, it was a very neat experience.  It really put into perspective how small we all are; just here for a blip in time.  Earth has changed so much and continues to change, even though it happens so slowly we can't perceive it.  It blows my mind to think about it.  It made me feel insignificant and grateful at the same time.

I'm scheduling 2 posts for while I'm on the road...

I'm scheduling 2 posts for while I'm on the road so y'all won't miss me too much. As if I've been on here being sociable at all in the last month. 🫠

On the way to Colorado, Google had my back and took Shaun a different route than he'd planned to go, which took us right by the Colorado Gator Farm.  OF COURSE we had to stop.  Shaun said "This looks like a trap." because it was in the middle of nowhere, but I was like "They'd have gotten me!  Let's go!" 😂

Literally, feed me to alligators. I don't care. That would be an awesome way to go.

Anyway, they operate as a rescue / education center for reptiles.  They had all sorts of lizards and tortoises and snakes and we got to interact with quite a few of them.  They had a BUNCH of Sulcata tortoises that they had taken in because they're not easy pets. Everyone always thinks that turtles and/or tortoises will be easy, but then they find out the hard way that's not true. Even our hamburger-sized little Tort Baby is a bossy/sassy little butt.

We also got to hold a baby alligator and they gave us a certificate that they notarized with the baby gator's teeth.  It seemed a little rude to use his snout like a stapler, but I know it didn't hurt him.  I laughed when they did that because it caught me off guard. Who even thought to do that? 😂

Overall, they seemed really knowledgeable and like they took great care of the animals there. I would love to visit again when we have more time.

I watered the greenhouse since I'm gonna be away for a few days.

I watered the greenhouse since I'm gonna be away for a few days.

I got rid of mealy bugs only to have mice chewing their way in and eating my plants. I'm not gonna post pictures of the carnage, but I have ~60 plants heavily damaged, if not missing entirely. I'm really sad. Everyone was looking amazing and I'd really upped my care plan for the summer. This wasn't part of it.

Shaun installed some flashing around the bottom of the greenhouse today and hopefully that will keep them out. We're also going to put out a dish of water, because I know the little creatures are just trying to survive and I can't fault them for that.

Here are some happier pictures from last week. I had some pretty flowers, and my Monkey Tail cactus is finally making a pup.

Confession:

Confession:

I bought tickets to see Ca7riel & Paco Amoroso at Red Rocks.  That is why me and Shaun went away for a couple of days.

That is not all I did.  I also bought tickets to see them in Houston - which is why I am leaving on Friday to trek 13 hours through the desert to my friend's house.  I did it last year and they were worth it, so I'm doing it again!

If I had a job and could've afforded to see them in Phoenix, I would've done that, too.  Not that I had money for either of the shows I bought tickets for, but my mental health has been shit and they are just about the only things that have sparked joy for me in the past year, so YOLO and all that.

I am very tired and have a lot to do before I head out on Friday morning, but this is how that went:

Red Rocks was beautiful.  The weather was amazing.  While we were in line waiting to get in for the concert, deer were just crossing next to the worker in front of us.  It was surreal!

I'd bought General Admission tickets, but the lady who let us in told us to sit in the planter... So we did! We had a much better view than we would have otherwise. We also were near the concession stand and not too far from the restrooms, so it was perfect!

There was supposed to be DJ PeeWee (Anderson Paak), but he wasn't there for some reason.  Thundercat was also an opener.  I don't really care for jazzy stuff and honestly I felt like "Just because you can play super fast doesn't mean it's good."  😂  His keyboard player looked really sad. Like really, really sad. Maybe he was just concentrating, but like, I was worried about him. His drummer was insane, though. Just a BEAST. I'm not thrilled about sitting through his set again, but I'll do it for Ca7riel y Paco.

Speaking of Ca7riel y Paco, they were amazing!  Red Rocks was the first stop of their North America tour, so they were relatively fresh compared to when I saw them last year.  The show did not disappoint.  They played their new songs, plus some older ones.  I was so happy and sang basically the whole time.  Ca7riel cried at least once; I love his soft heart.  Paco is looking fit and I hope he's feeling great, too.  I've only known about them for a little over a year at this point, but I'm so happy to see their dreams coming true.  Looking back at all the music they've made over the years, they've worked hard to get where they are and I am so, so happy for them.

If y'all didn't know, the new album has collabs with Anderson Paak (Ay Ay Ay), Sting (Hasta Jesús Tuvo un Mal Día), and Jack Black (Goo Goo Ga Ga).  They've also been featured on one of Robyn's new songs (Blow My Mind).

At the hotel

Deer Crossing!  There were 3, but I didn't catch the first on video.

In the planter

Shaun "rescued" a lizard from the pool.

Shaun "rescued" a lizard from the pool. If you ask me, they look a little salty about the "rescue." 😂😂😂

I went to check on the greenhouse...

I went to check on the greenhouse and found a mouse up in the plants. So that's at least one of the creatures eating them. I knew the bite marks looked rodent-y.

Some things that are troubling me:

Some things that are troubling me:

About 2 weeks ago, my Reddit account logged out.  I have not been able to log back in.  I submitted a ticket for help, but I still haven't received any help.  Also, now if I look up my account, it shows that it's banned.  For what, I have NO idea.

This has been very dysregulating.  I read myself to sleep every night on Reddit, so I was used to my feed being a certain way.  It was comforting.  I had saved a lot of posts with useful information.  I had a 700-something day streak.  I loved it.

I basically had to start over and try to re-create my feed.  It's still not like it was.  It still feels very "off" - like it's a bizarro universe and it makes me really sad.  I am still hopeful that I will get some help with my original account, but the hope is fading.  I don't know what to do.

I also haven't been spending too much time in the greenhouse, but the last two times I went out there, many of my plants had been chewed or completely eaten.  I don't know who is doing it, but Shaun put the camera back out there to see if we could catch whoever it is.  We don't know if it's birds or rodents or what, so we don't know how to stop it.  We do close the doors at night, but leave the top windows open for ventilation.  We might have to put up some screens, I guess.  I don't know.  But it's got me really sad.  Whole plants are missing.  Like they've either been devoured on the spot or uprooted and taken. 😭😭😭

Last thing (for now):  I'm too soft and Adrian ended up back in my room. Shaun's going to move her out and acclimate her to the living room/other cats while I'm away. I hope it's successful. I need a space to myself. If it doesn't work while I'm gone, then it can't be done. Shaun is great with cats and less of a pushover than I am right now.

I overextended myself yesterday.

I overextended myself yesterday.  I ended up exhausted and went to bed so early, then woke up in the middle of the night (peri peeps, y'all know the 3/4 am wakeup call.  It's a hormonal thing that turns us into werecougars.)  I usually just read myself back to sleep, but I was literally having dark thoughts and spiraling.

I feel only slightly better today.  I talked to Shaun and told him I need him out of the house sometimes.  I just need literal solitude.  My background processes don't stop listening for him or thinking about him when he's here.  I don't quite know the logistics of how he's different than the animals or the child I raised, but he is.  Shadow and the pets can be background.  Kira sleeps most of the day and tends to stay upstairs, but can definitely be a demand sometimes.  She's a gray area because I still view her as a kid even though I didn't fully raise her.  But Shaun is like a best friend that never leaves my house.  Just isolating in my bedroom is not helping me recover.  Don't get me wrong; sometimes I definitely need that, but it alone is not enough.

Thankfully, he has been looking for work outside of our home, and he's had a few good leads.  Maybe something will come through soon.  Also, he didn't take offense when I told him that I never get to miss him.  He understands.

We also had a talk about showing affection.  I have never been a hugger.  I'm actually not big on being touched.  Growing up, I didn't receive affection that way and most of the touch I received was violent in nature.  So I generally don't enjoy having hands coming towards me at all.  But when we started dating, I hugged Shaun.  I wanted to touch him and that was what people did, so I did it, too.  And I did enjoy it.  It's easy when things are new.

But now that's not the case and it's no one's fault.  His shirt is always covered in cat hair because that is our life right now, so when I hug him my face goes right into that.  It's a sensory nightmare.  I also don't like my face being smushed, but due to our height difference, my face goes right under/between his pecs.  Sometimes if I actually want to hug him, I just go under his shirt and that's better.  His chest hair doesn't stick to my face like cat hair.  So for years, I've just been doing this thing that I don't get anything out of because he seemed to need it and I thought it was what I was supposed to do.

I'm not gonna do it anymore.  Not like that, anyway.

If he's sitting and I'm standing, I greatly prefer those hugs.  His face is on my chest, and my face isn't getting smushed or haired.  I can enjoy those.  We haven't figured out how he can physically show me affection in a way that I will like yet; I don't like to be massaged or petted or anything like that.  I like it when we touch legs while hanging out.  That feels like not an attack.  Head bonks are cool.  I also like sitting next to each other, like a cuddle - like what cats and dogs do with us.  I don't know, but I don't feel like that's as big a deal right now as me letting go of the daily "demand" (of course he doesn't actually demand them; it's just a thing that I felt like I was supposed to do) of hugs that I don't like.

I feel like the worst partner.  I don't know why he likes me.  Even when I was (unknowingly) fully masking at the beginning of our relationship, I know I wasn't an easy person.  My mental health has only gotten worse/more complicated over the years, and he's still here, still putting in the work, still not taking any offense to anything I need to say - no matter how insensitive it may seem.  I feel very lucky, but also very confused.  Like, I don't get why anyone would choose the mess that I am, but whatever floats his goat, I guess.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days. (More on that later.)

It was fun and hotel sleeping without a cat on my head was glorious (yes, moving Adrian downstairs FAILED).

But we got home yesterday and I immediately had to go to bed because I'd had zero alone time for 3 days.

Later this week I'm driving 13 hours through the desert and I am looking forward to those 13 hours like you wouldn't believe. Nobody can see me. Nobody can ask me for anything. Nobody can even talk to me if I don't want it.

Sometimes I worry that living with my husband was the wrong move. We do have separate spaces to retreat to, but either I'm so deep in burnout that being perceived is a stressor, or we just should've kept separate houses like we did for the first 10 years. I'm giving it until the dogs die (hopefully no time soon) before making any decisions or changes to our living situation, but...

Damn, it's hard.

Shaun is so great and I love him all the way. He is not doing anything wrong. It's just me. I'm built different and I feel like a terrible person and terrible partner because of it.

I'm still not feeling super social, but...

I'm still not feeling super social, but I'm starting to feel agitation from unread/unreplied-to notifications.  So if I respond to something you messaged or commented to me weeks ago, I apologize, but it is what it is.

On another note:

I love you.  Hang in there.  💙

Edited to add:  I got the comments knocked out.  Don't have the energy for whole messages yet.  But maybe this is a sign of return to personhood.  We will see.

Me...

Me, as young as I can remember, communicating with, understanding, and befriending animals.  They always say what they mean.

Me, in kindergarten, writing to the middle of the page with my left hand, and then switching to my right to finish out the page because I wanted things to be fair.

Me, in grade school, wondering if I would ever have friends whose parents weren't friends with my parents first.

Me, at 15 on my first trip to Six Flags, wondering why I hated having fun.

Me, in my teens, watching people succumb to peer pressure while remaining impervious to it.

Me, in my early 20s, deciding that I was done participating in the cycle of removing my body hair.  If men didn't have to, then I didn't, either.

Me, in my early 20s, figuring out that shaving my head made it easier to medicate/control my psoriasis, and that having skin flakes in long hair was a sensory nightmare I no longer had to endure.

Me, in my early 20s, finally out on my own, starting to struggle with schedules and routines and wondering how everyone else did it.

Me, in my late 20s, watching my 6th grade child set an alarm, shower, and catch the bus by himself because I wasn't a reliable, on-time, ride to school.

Me, in my 30s, looking back at the cycle of go hard/burn out, feeling like a broken person because "Why am I like this?"

Me, in my 30s, feeling the weight of everything crash down.  Full-blown depression, nothing in life accomplished, and barely able to walk due to psoriatic arthritis.  Heavily dependent on antidepressants, and Shaun body-doubling my life to drag me out of that hell.

Me, in my 40s, burned out.  Exhausted.  Confused.  Autistic.

Got out of bed at like, 7-something pm.

Got out of bed at like, 7-something pm. Just had a breakfast of 1/2 of an Impossible Whopper and a few sips of Dr. Pepper - definitely not my morning routine. Definitely not the kind of meals I usually eat.

I'm in a funk.

I'm still on the strugglebus back to personhood...

I'm still on the strugglebus back to personhood, but I'm getting there - baby-step by baby-step.

I have been trying to prioritize self-care and doing things I love.  I did some basic nail care the other day, as well as watered my plants (a little later than I wanted to, but they're ok).  I have still been resting a lot.  Still not making plans.  Just existing and trying to find my way back.

This afternoon while I was doing my "morning" routine, Shaun asked me for help with something.  It was simple and he could handle it and my routine is important, so I told him I wanted to have my (freshly made) tea right then.  I wasn't opposed to helping him later if he still needed it (he didn't)(also, it wasn't an urgent task), but there was nothing wrong with protecting my routine since it helps me start my day.  I always knew I hated to be disturbed when I'm DOING A THING, like my routine, but I never realized how actually dysregulating it was.

I didn't grow up being able to say "No", and I've carried that with me my whole life.  It made me into a people-pleaser (even though I know that wasn't the intent).  Anytime anyone asks me for something, whether it's my time or money or work or sympathy or attention or anything, I usually just drop what I'm doing and say "Yes."  It never mattered if I wanted to; other people's wants came first.  It didn't matter if it caused me distress; saying "No" often caused more.  So now I'm working HARD to undo that.

Shaun and Kira were talking earlier while I was trying to work on something, and after a bit it started to bother me.  I said "I'm starting to feel overstimulated.  I need some quiet."  Kira said ok and went upstairs.  I told Shaun to kiss me goodnight and go away.  And he did and I was happy about it.

I am thankful that the 3 people I spend the most time around are not offended by this.  I am thankful that they understand my preferred style of communication, and respect my communicated needs.  I think they are exactly who I need to keep practicing with until I'm confident enough to be more myself, more often.  The real challenge is going to be not fawning outside of this house.

This is how I'm doing.  This is me, unmasking.  This is me, not putting myself last.

It feels weird, but I'm not going to stop.

I've still got my social life (including online) paused.

I've still got my social life (including online) paused.  But I'm gonna have a ramble because it helps me.  I know I have messages and comments waiting for my response, and I will get to them when I have more energy.  I'm still functioning in battery saver mode.

I watered all of my greenhouse plants today.  Adding an extra watering tray and bucket made it possible to get that done in one afternoon, so that's nice.  I know that sounds like an energetic activity, but it was supposed to be done on Sunday (rather than today, Tuesday); today was just 1) the first time I was out of bed early enough in the day to do it, and 2) the first time I felt like I could move my body that much.  My succulents are a special interest of mine, so it gives me some dopamine to go out there and just exist with them.  Also, the weather was really great.

I have a bunch of plants on my potting desk that need to be taken care of.  I thought about tackling those today, too, but... I've realized that I spend my energy like a poor person spends money.  (I both grew up and raised a child below the poverty line, so I literally know what it's like.)  That is, to say:  I use it (energy/money) when I have it.  But much like money, if I always spend what I have, how do I ever build up a reserve?  Speaking physically, how do I store up enough energy to climb out of this damn hole?

While I'm over here trying to navigate the Autistic burnout I've found myself in, I've learned that I struggle with poor interoception.  If I can't even tell when I have to use the bathroom before it's a peemergency, how am I supposed to know what my energy level is?  Because I definitely do not.  And I will tell you now that looking back over my adult life, I have consistently worked in cycles of go hard/burn out.  It doesn't matter if it's cleaning the house or a project or a hobby or what... I will find a way to not approach the task with balance.

What's messed up is that it's not intentional.  Yes, the feeling of getting something done after a "go hard" feels great.  People are like "Wow, you did so much!"  And I did!  And it's done!  But the crash after sucks, and it's getting harder to recover from as I age.  Slow and steady is NOT fun for me.  It is NOT rewarding.  It is boring.  I like getting one thing done and then moving onto the next.  But society doesn't function that way, and in order to fit into society in some capacity (like hold a job so I can support myself), I have to do things in ways that do not feel natural to me.

If it was acceptable to create an app in 6 weeks and then ONLY rest for the next 6 weeks, I'd probably be ok.  But society expects constant output.  I do have a family and pets and friends.  I have a house and yard and job (and up until last week, school, as well).  All of those things come with demands on my time and energy, so there is no pure rest for 6 weeks.  Therefore, I can't let my battery get this low again.

Maybe it will be healthier in the long run to budget my energy; I really don't know.  But what I do know is that I don't know how to tell how much energy I do have; really, I can only tell when I'm definitely out, so this is tricky as shit.  1 energy could = 1 million energy as far as I know.  Either I feel like doing things or I do not, just like I either have to pee or I do not.

Anyway.  I think I'm going to bed.  Whatever my energy budget was for the day, I definitely spent some, so I'd better go replenish it before I accidentally overdraw (again).

If y'all have any tips for me on how to tell how I feel, I'd love for you to share.  I can use all of the help I can get!

💙

A few recent flowers.

A few recent flowers. Can't believe I missed the white one; it was only open for a few hours. And the last one wasn't able to fully open because of the spines.