I started taking a generic of Ritalin this morning.

I started taking a generic of Ritalin this morning.

I did feel a bit tight in the chest and kind of warm (when I usually run cold) earlier in the day, but that has pretty much faded.

For the last week-10 days or so, on advice of my therapist, I have been playing puzzle games in books rather than on my phone. For one, I used to do that with my MaMaw a lot, so it feels nice to be doing that again. For two, it's been a way to keep my mind engaged without doom-scrolling and getting distracted on the internet.

I have some observations:

1)  I am able to focus better and don't have to recount the numbers on Sudoku repeatedly to make sure I can tell what's missing.

2)  I have made a few mistakes on the Sudoku puzzles, but instead of going to the back of the book to get it straightened out, I have been able to figure it out myself. That has never happened before in my life, and I've been doing these since childhood. Once I'm confused, I either need help or to start over. So I feel that I am more able to follow the threads in my mind, if that makes sense?  Due to being able to hold things in my mind, I have already been solving the puzzles better and faster with fewer mistakes, and seeing other patterns and logic that I never saw before.

3)  Using breathing to help with the physical anxiety... if that's what's the chest tightness is called? I used to hate when people would advise me to breathe in and out. It would literally piss me off! It's like, "Now I have to think about something that my body does involuntarily?!" And it never relaxed any part of me that needed relaxing. But for the chest tightness today, it does feel nice and it does help.

4)  I needed to use the bathroom and went before it was an emergency BECAUSE I COULD FEEL IT BEFORE IT WAS AN EMERGENCY. On the way up the stairs, I took up some towels that needed to go up because I wasn't rushing because I wasn't having an emergency.  I also ended a text conversation with Shaun because I wanted to, and did it before I was irritated and rude to him.  I can feel things before they are critical.

5)  In general, I feel a bit more calm. Like, if I don't act on my thoughts in the moment, it's ok, because I'll be able to recall them. They feel less fleeting, I guess?

6)  I was able to watch an episode of TV with Shaun without scrolling or working on something else or falling asleep.

7)  I think I relaxed?  I reclined in the chair, shut my eyes, and I don't know if I fell asleep.  But I was able to just... rest?  Guilt free?  Without anxiety?

It's been an emotional rollercoaster.  I have felt relief.  I have felt anger.  I have felt sorrow.  I have ugly-cried so many times today.

I love logic and puzzles and math and computer science, but to learn those things, I've relied heavily on pattern-recognition and repetition.  But that doesn't cut it on more complex issues.  I hated math proofs.  I suck at coding.  And now I'm wondering what would happen if I tried those things again?  What could I learn?  What could I do?

Getting through college was so incredibly hard.  I suffered.  Like, a lot.  I cared so much, and I did my best, and I had mental breakdown after mental breakdown from 2015-2020.  It meant SO MUCH for me to graduate and get a job and try to pull us out of poverty.  It felt like life or death.  The stakes were high.  And now I look back and I'm like "That could have been a lot easier.  And I could have gotten more out of it."

I'm not going to dwell on things.  There is no one to even blame.  Had my teachers or parents noticed that I was struggling (which was unlikely due to how hard I masked), girls/women weren't usually treated for ADHD when I was growing up.  As a young adult, I never had insurance to get myself tested or medicated, nor did I even suspect that I was doing life on Hard Mode.

I don't really know what else to say.  I'm going to allow myself to grieve.  It's valid.  It hurts.  But I'm going to try to put my newfound focus into my career.  I'm just going to keep pushing forward like I always do... because really, what else is there to be done?