I'm still not feeling super social, but...

I'm still not feeling super social, but I'm starting to feel agitation from unread/unreplied-to notifications.  So if I respond to something you messaged or commented to me weeks ago, I apologize, but it is what it is.

On another note:

I love you.  Hang in there.  💙

Edited to add:  I got the comments knocked out.  Don't have the energy for whole messages yet.  But maybe this is a sign of return to personhood.  We will see.

Me...

Me, as young as I can remember, communicating with, understanding, and befriending animals.  They always say what they mean.

Me, in kindergarten, writing to the middle of the page with my left hand, and then switching to my right to finish out the page because I wanted things to be fair.

Me, in grade school, wondering if I would ever have friends whose parents weren't friends with my parents first.

Me, at 15 on my first trip to Six Flags, wondering why I hated having fun.

Me, in my teens, watching people succumb to peer pressure while remaining impervious to it.

Me, in my early 20s, deciding that I was done participating in the cycle of removing my body hair.  If men didn't have to, then I didn't, either.

Me, in my early 20s, figuring out that shaving my head made it easier to medicate/control my psoriasis, and that having skin flakes in long hair was a sensory nightmare I no longer had to endure.

Me, in my early 20s, finally out on my own, starting to struggle with schedules and routines and wondering how everyone else did it.

Me, in my late 20s, watching my 6th grade child set an alarm, shower, and catch the bus by himself because I wasn't a reliable, on-time, ride to school.

Me, in my 30s, looking back at the cycle of go hard/burn out, feeling like a broken person because "Why am I like this?"

Me, in my 30s, feeling the weight of everything crash down.  Full-blown depression, nothing in life accomplished, and barely able to walk due to psoriatic arthritis.  Heavily dependent on antidepressants, and Shaun body-doubling my life to drag me out of that hell.

Me, in my 40s, burned out.  Exhausted.  Confused.  Autistic.

Got out of bed at like, 7-something pm.

Got out of bed at like, 7-something pm. Just had a breakfast of 1/2 of an Impossible Whopper and a few sips of Dr. Pepper - definitely not my morning routine. Definitely not the kind of meals I usually eat.

I'm in a funk.

I'm still on the strugglebus back to personhood...

I'm still on the strugglebus back to personhood, but I'm getting there - baby-step by baby-step.

I have been trying to prioritize self-care and doing things I love.  I did some basic nail care the other day, as well as watered my plants (a little later than I wanted to, but they're ok).  I have still been resting a lot.  Still not making plans.  Just existing and trying to find my way back.

This afternoon while I was doing my "morning" routine, Shaun asked me for help with something.  It was simple and he could handle it and my routine is important, so I told him I wanted to have my (freshly made) tea right then.  I wasn't opposed to helping him later if he still needed it (he didn't)(also, it wasn't an urgent task), but there was nothing wrong with protecting my routine since it helps me start my day.  I always knew I hated to be disturbed when I'm DOING A THING, like my routine, but I never realized how actually dysregulating it was.

I didn't grow up being able to say "No", and I've carried that with me my whole life.  It made me into a people-pleaser (even though I know that wasn't the intent).  Anytime anyone asks me for something, whether it's my time or money or work or sympathy or attention or anything, I usually just drop what I'm doing and say "Yes."  It never mattered if I wanted to; other people's wants came first.  It didn't matter if it caused me distress; saying "No" often caused more.  So now I'm working HARD to undo that.

Shaun and Kira were talking earlier while I was trying to work on something, and after a bit it started to bother me.  I said "I'm starting to feel overstimulated.  I need some quiet."  Kira said ok and went upstairs.  I told Shaun to kiss me goodnight and go away.  And he did and I was happy about it.

I am thankful that the 3 people I spend the most time around are not offended by this.  I am thankful that they understand my preferred style of communication, and respect my communicated needs.  I think they are exactly who I need to keep practicing with until I'm confident enough to be more myself, more often.  The real challenge is going to be not fawning outside of this house.

This is how I'm doing.  This is me, unmasking.  This is me, not putting myself last.

It feels weird, but I'm not going to stop.

I've still got my social life (including online) paused.

I've still got my social life (including online) paused.  But I'm gonna have a ramble because it helps me.  I know I have messages and comments waiting for my response, and I will get to them when I have more energy.  I'm still functioning in battery saver mode.

I watered all of my greenhouse plants today.  Adding an extra watering tray and bucket made it possible to get that done in one afternoon, so that's nice.  I know that sounds like an energetic activity, but it was supposed to be done on Sunday (rather than today, Tuesday); today was just 1) the first time I was out of bed early enough in the day to do it, and 2) the first time I felt like I could move my body that much.  My succulents are a special interest of mine, so it gives me some dopamine to go out there and just exist with them.  Also, the weather was really great.

I have a bunch of plants on my potting desk that need to be taken care of.  I thought about tackling those today, too, but... I've realized that I spend my energy like a poor person spends money.  (I both grew up and raised a child below the poverty line, so I literally know what it's like.)  That is, to say:  I use it (energy/money) when I have it.  But much like money, if I always spend what I have, how do I ever build up a reserve?  Speaking physically, how do I store up enough energy to climb out of this damn hole?

While I'm over here trying to navigate the Autistic burnout I've found myself in, I've learned that I struggle with poor interoception.  If I can't even tell when I have to use the bathroom before it's a peemergency, how am I supposed to know what my energy level is?  Because I definitely do not.  And I will tell you now that looking back over my adult life, I have consistently worked in cycles of go hard/burn out.  It doesn't matter if it's cleaning the house or a project or a hobby or what... I will find a way to not approach the task with balance.

What's messed up is that it's not intentional.  Yes, the feeling of getting something done after a "go hard" feels great.  People are like "Wow, you did so much!"  And I did!  And it's done!  But the crash after sucks, and it's getting harder to recover from as I age.  Slow and steady is NOT fun for me.  It is NOT rewarding.  It is boring.  I like getting one thing done and then moving onto the next.  But society doesn't function that way, and in order to fit into society in some capacity (like hold a job so I can support myself), I have to do things in ways that do not feel natural to me.

If it was acceptable to create an app in 6 weeks and then ONLY rest for the next 6 weeks, I'd probably be ok.  But society expects constant output.  I do have a family and pets and friends.  I have a house and yard and job (and up until last week, school, as well).  All of those things come with demands on my time and energy, so there is no pure rest for 6 weeks.  Therefore, I can't let my battery get this low again.

Maybe it will be healthier in the long run to budget my energy; I really don't know.  But what I do know is that I don't know how to tell how much energy I do have; really, I can only tell when I'm definitely out, so this is tricky as shit.  1 energy could = 1 million energy as far as I know.  Either I feel like doing things or I do not, just like I either have to pee or I do not.

Anyway.  I think I'm going to bed.  Whatever my energy budget was for the day, I definitely spent some, so I'd better go replenish it before I accidentally overdraw (again).

If y'all have any tips for me on how to tell how I feel, I'd love for you to share.  I can use all of the help I can get!

💙

A few recent flowers.

A few recent flowers. Can't believe I missed the white one; it was only open for a few hours. And the last one wasn't able to fully open because of the spines.

Why does he look fake sometimes?

Why does he look fake sometimes? Like there's a puppet just laid out in my floor. 😂😂😂

His lips! 🤣

A little Cub appreciation post. 😊

A little Cub appreciation post. 😊

He's such a good boy. ❤️❤️❤️

I know I have messages and comments to respond to, but...

I know I have messages and comments to respond to, but I've chosen to hermit for a bit in order to lower the demands on myself. Yes, even things that I enjoy (such as engaging with y'all) are demands upon my time.

In another effort to get better rest, we're trying little Adrian out downstairs. She's lived in our bedroom since we moved here (~ 5 years ago); she's a petite little thing and was getting picked on by the other cats before we moved. All of the remaining cats are older and mellow-er now, so I'm hoping she'll do ok.

She's a sweet little love bug. That's great, EXCEPT when she's excited to see me after she's slept all day and it's my bedtime. She chirps and meows and trills all night; she body slams and rolls all over me; and she kneads my neck with her sharp little claws. She's also pretty jumpy, so if she hears or sees anything, she launches off me suddenly and leaves scratches. I could definitely be resting better if she wasn't in the room.

She's not attached to me in particular; she loves everyone, so I don't feel like she will miss sleeping on me. If anything, she'll get more attention by being out and about.

She knows Cub since he sleeps in our room sometimes. She met Bear earlier and didn't care about him at all. It's the other cats that she's unsure of. She's hissy with them, even if they're just minding their own business. 😂

I would love to see her during the day more. She's a funny little girl. She's had a bunch of teeth removed and has the cutest little (unintentional) snarl/cringe face most of the time. 😂😂😂 I love her, but now that Scar is gone she's got some "main character" energy that is just not conducive to my sleep.

Anyway, this is her rolling and chatting on the cat tower earlier.

(Also, I didn't realize it was so messy. I'm not tall enough to see up there on those platforms; this was recorded by Shaun's tall-ass point of view. 😂)

UI/UX graduation was today.

UI/UX graduation was today. Our presentation went well.

If anyone is interested, here is the app prototype we made. You can click through; even the sign up has dummy info ready to go.

It's crazy how my teacher is neurodivergent and I got my Autism diagnosis during this project; I strongly feel that both things contributed majorly to making this into something special. My teacher had to reframe things for me so many times so I could grasp what I was supposed to be doing. Both she and my partner were so flexible with me.

Now I'm gonna go have a let-down migraine, because of course I am. 🫠 

But let me know what y'all think!

Link to Figma

Some recent flowers.

Some recent flowers.

It was a really nice experience having the doves hatch in the greenhouse, but I'm glad to have it back to myself.

I have a lot of bird poops to clean up.

I haven't been doing ok.

I haven't been doing ok.

Dealing with burnout and discovering that it's related to Autism (that I didn't know I had) has been a whole journey.  I only found out in early March and it explains a lot of things, but I'm still trying to understand how to make existence easier.  In this case, I don't feel like knowing has been half of the battle.

I've been keeping to myself more and resting.  I've been going to my room when I need actual quiet and regulation.  Shaun has been handling things like grocery shopping for a while, but now I know why I hate it and I will probably tag along even less because it's a stress I can avoid.

I have long said that Shaun knows me better than anyone, and I guess what I was trying to say before but didn't have the context to put into words is that I mask less around him than I ever have with anyone else, aside from maybe Shadow (my son).  It's something I've done since childhood and it happens so automatically with most people that I don't even know how to stop.

But I guess progress is knowing when I'm not ok and when I'll definitely be slipping the mask on, and trying not to put myself in situations where I have to use that energy when my battery is already low.  Lately, that means opting out of things I'd normally like to do, like seeing friends, going to the Cactus & Succulent society sales and events, going to the tech socials, even chatting to friends, etc.  I'm just running on fumes and I'm not sure how to refill the tank.  All of the sleep in the world doesn't seem to be helping.

Losing Scar and Ash last week has been terrible for my mental health.  I have felt so raw and weepy.  It's taken a week to adjust to sleeping without Scar on my face, and to stop listening for him all night.  Adrian (the other old kitty in my bedroom) is a great snuggler.  She's enjoying being the main character now, but I need to trim her nails.  She is very jumpy and launches herself away at the slightest noise or movement, and she is scratching me in tender places (like the backs or insides of my upper arms), and I just really don't need the physical pain right now.

I haven't showered in about a week and I don't know when I will.  I haven't yet deep-cleaned my bedroom or changed sheets from the ones that Scar last slept on.  I've been living on toast and waffles because the most "cooking" I can get myself to do is use the toaster.

I'm medicated for depression, but I feel like I'm having a bit of breakthrough depression... but like, I think it's normal to be not ok right now.  And I'm not.  🤷🏻

Greenhouse update:

Greenhouse update:

The baby birds left the greenhouse last night. They've officially flown away today. The parents were still watchful earlier. I don't know if any of them will be back.

Also, there have been some pretty flowers the last few days.

Watching the younglings.

Out of the greenhouse.

We lost Ashanti this morning.

We lost Ashanti this morning.

I was upstairs asleep and Shaun called and said he needed me. I ran down and we called some emergency vets. She passed away in the car before we made it.

We didn't know what else to do, so we proceeded to the vet to make her final arrangements.

It was awful and agonizing and traumatizing. I will spare you the details, but we will be haunted by this for a while. I still feel like I could vomit.

She was fine last night. She came to eat treats around midnight when I was going to bed. She didn't come for Shaun's breakfast routine and he found her in the cat tower struggling to breathe. Putting her in the carrier made it much worse. I don't think there was any possible outcome where she would have survived.

This is the reality sometimes of having elderly pets. We tried our best, but it was awful and she's still gone. She was 13.

I'm gonna miss her. She was so vocal and always "nagged" Shaun and Shadow. She wasn't much of a lap cat, but she loved to sit on the top of the center console of the couch. She always faced Shaun so she could groom his head, which meant that I got the butt end and the sassy tail slaps in the face. 😂 This was her 2nd favorite place - right next to Shaun on the arm of the chair. She often napped like this.

Two cats in a week. Our hearts are heavy.

I can't believe this cactus is blooming AGAIN already.

I can't believe this cactus is blooming AGAIN already. She's wild!

The babies aren't going back into the nest; they're staying on my table and chair during the day. It was humid today and the greenhouse was stinky because of their poops. We are supposed to have a stormy weekend, but if we don't, I'm gonna do some cleaning.

I'm also going to finally repot the cactus they were nesting in. I might just remove the cactus and put the pot and nest back since the adults have more than 1 clutch per season. I don't want to wreck their plans, but I do need to tend to that plant. It's one of my 300 favorites. 😂😂😂