Haha. Me posting about feeling pretty good a few days ago...

Haha. Me posting about feeling pretty good a few days ago, only to spend the last 2 days in bed doing nothing.

Gotta love this shit.

I can't even pinpoint the cause of it.

I have a slight suspicion that part of it is the possibility of working full time again and/or putting my app in the stores. That's more change and more anxiety and a dream becoming "real" / putting myself out there for criticism.

Also, I've been sleeping like crap still. I don't like the way my body feels on my sheets. I can barely tolerate clothing and have been wearing nightgowns (unless I'm leaving the house) for the last 2 weeks. My knees hurt when they mash into each other. There's still lingering cat hair tickling me that I hope will eventually wash more completely out. I'm always too hot or too cold. I need my weighted blanket, but I get sweaty. I have to pee about 5 times per night.

My sleep used to be a lot better. I also wonder if I have sleep apnea.

Fun times.

Having a ramble.

Having a ramble.

Tl;dr:  I am feeling pretty good.

The last few days since I got my app officially into Beta on the sites, I've been feeling like a weight has been lifted.  I don't know if it was bogging me down carrying it in my head this whole time, but I just FEEL better.  So far, the only feedback has been small visual tweaks (like how things display on different sized screens), not like anything is majorly malfunctioning.  I am very happy with that.

I think getting it mostly out of my head has been good for my burnout recovery.  I've done laundry, I've been doing self-care (like showering more, wearing clean clothes every day, etc.), and taking care of my plants - even when it was daunting.  I am feeling more on top of things than I have in a great long while.  It's nice.

Before I came home from Houston, I had decided that I was done with retail therapy.  I love to buy plants and nail polish, but those small hits of dopamine were basically being canceled out later by the work they created.  For example, swatching a polish and adding it to my database, or potting a plant.  Those small tasks were adding up and keeping me feeling perpetually behind.

My plants are mostly settled... I have a few in the house that I'd like to move to the greenhouse, and a couple left to repot.  I have probably 16 drawers of unswatched nail polish.  They aren't alive, so they can wait.  But the point is that now I feel like I am not drowning in my tasks.  I can do things, and it's not a battle.

It was good timing on my part that I had decided to be done with retail therapy, because when I got back from my trip, Shaun was like "Hey, we're getting down to the wire financially."  That sucks, but it was nice to be on the same page.  So, I haven't shopped in about 3 weeks.  We haven't even eaten out anywhere or ordered DoorDash.  And for whatever reason, I feel zen about it.  I don't know why, but when I make a decision, it's easy to stick to it.  Getting myself to that point of "Decision Made" is the hard part.  😅

I think I'm gonna go clean off my desk before office hours tonight.  That's the next thing that has been bothering me.

I think I'm also going to list some clothes on Depop.  Have any of you done that?  The kids have been buying clothes for cheap from there and it seems like it's worth a shot to try to offload some of the things I have that I won't likely be wearing again.  I've also seen ThredUp, but I probably don't have much that's worth doing consignment for.  But it feels like a good time to clean out the closet.  And maybe the garage.  And in general just purge what is unused.

I went to therapy.

I went to therapy. I've been doing laundry. I've sent my app to some iPhone testers. (Still hoping to submit to the app stores next week.)

There is nothing left to do but pot these plants.

Posting to hold myself accountable. 🌱 🌵

I keep trying to get myself...

I keep trying to get myself to pot the desk full of plants I have in the sunroom. They've been out there uprooted, unwatered, and sad for AT LEAST 2 months.

I did my nails the other day. Laundry today. I had the time; just not the willpower. And I feel guilty because they are alive and need tending to.

I guess I'll try again tomorrow.

Late-night rambles:

Late-night rambles:

I did some self-care today in the form of doing my nails (just plain, but they were popping and peeling off, so this is better), and taking a shower. I'd been a stinky, greasy mess for at least a week. My nails hadn't been done since before I went to Houston. It was just time.

I think the only reason I felt ok to take care of myself is because my app is almost done. Yes, it's been the focus for the past few weeks. Yes, my schedule is messed up. But I'm not burned out. I've been sleeping, just at not the regular times.

My plan is to have it on the app stores on their beta tracks next week. I've been fixing and adjusting small things here and there. I am basically to the "paperwork" stage. I need screenshots of certain sizes for Apple. I'm gonna hit up some friends because my test phone is too small.

I've been talking to users through the app, which just blows my mind. I've built a thing, and it works... Well, at least part of it! 😅 I'm so freaking excited!

Now that the app stuff is not taking up all of my brain and my nails are protected, I can put away the laundry I piled up in the closet, as well as pot up the plants I've left neglected in the sunroom for the last 2 months. I might even clean my desk. 😂 I don't know what all I'm gonna do, but I feel a lot better. I guess I just needed to get all of my ideas out of me. If nothing else, it felt both like a dream, but also good for my career. It'll be nice to have a thing completed for my resume.

I've been kind of a mess, but I'm hanging in here. I'm slowly but surely starting to feel better and get things done.

I think that soon I will be able to handle people again. I really miss a lot of people that I've been pretty absent with for the last few months, but I just needed to recalibrate and I think most everyone understands.

Anyway, I'm about to change my sheets and get in this fresh bed. Hopefully, I will sleep through the night instead of waking up at crazy hours. We'll see.

I love you and I miss you. 💙

Life Update:

Life Update:

Shaun got a job that he has to leave the house to go to.  I was unsure if it was doing me any good to have time unperceived until I just caught myself badly singing at more than a whisper.  So I guess I do feel a bit more free for some hours per week now, which is nice.

I feel like I have a thing that has been nagging at me for many years, but I haven't been able to put into words.  I'm gonna try it now, so bear with me as I stumble through this.  I don't know where this came from, but I feel like I feel (for me, anyway) that my partner is supposed to be impressed by me; that they should always see me at my best.

Obviously, that is not reality.  Shaun has seen me vomit so hard I peed myself.  He's seen me through MANY a mental breakdown.  He's literally been here with me (for almost 20 years at this point) through the good, the bad, and the ugly.  He is the most solid person I've ever had in my life.

But there are many things that I feel reserved about doing in his presence.  I don't really sing, dance, or try to improve myself/my physical skills when he is perceiving me.  To explain further, he would like to work out/exercise together.  I don't want to do that because he "should" only see the results of my efforts in that case, not my efforts.  I don't tap or drum on things because it is not something I practice anymore, and I don't want him to see how hard I have to try in order to "get it right;" I'd rather he just see/hear me do it and think it's good.

I feel like this hearkens back to the day of women waking up early and doing hair and makeup before their husbands wake up for the day.  Despite not having a husband, I was doing this shit in elementary school.  I would get up at 5 am to hot-roll my hair and put on makeup.  I spent many years sleeping uncomfortably on curlers and painting my face despite how bad it felt on my psoriasis because I only wanted to be perceived "at my best."  When I had my son at 17, things started dropping from my routine because, well, priorities.  I still wore makeup and put some effort into my hair, but not as much; I think not long after having him is the first time I cut my hair above my shoulders.  It was maybe 7 years later that I stopped shaving my body hair and ended up shaving my head.  I never felt ok with the inconsistency of being perceived in makeup with hair done and shaven versus how I exist naturally.  I'm guessing it's the Autism with the yes/no, on/off, black/white extremes, but I felt that if you were EVER going to see me in my "undone" state, then you should ALWAYS see me that way.

Shaun had definitely seen me un-made because when we met, I was working as a pet bather at PetSmart and I did not wear makeup for that job.  But I started working at the same place as him and wore makeup to work one day because I wanted him to think I was pretty, and he pointed it out (just in an observational way).  So I was caught - he remembered that I wasn't as pretty as I was trying to pretend to be, so I literally have never worn makeup since that day.  (I know how that sounds, but honestly, no shade and no shame to people who wear makeup; this is entirely a me-thing that I am trying to work through.)  Don't get me wrong - dropping it from my routine was a HUGE relief.  I never felt good at it.  I never enjoyed doing it.  I hated the way it felt on my skin.  I hated the tugging and the touching of putting it on.  I hated having to remove it.  I was glad to be done.  I was very happy to be able to exist in consistency and have that be enough.

But there are things that I am not good at.  I'm not a good singer or dancer.  In band, some of the drummers could just bust out with great rhythms and I'm sure they practiced away from me, but I only saw the fruits of their labor.  For me, I had to practice a ton just to get the basics.  So these are the things that I keep to myself or only do when unperceived, although I find them to be fun.

I am also not as physically fit as I used to be, or as fit as I'd like to be.  Shaun has always been in great shape; I swear when we met, he looked like a Greek statue.  Even though he's gained some weight over the years, he carries it so well because of how tall and muscular he is.  If he wants to lose weight, he is just more mindful of what he eats.  Meanwhile, I'd already had a child when we met.  I bounced back pretty well because of my age and activity level, but I felt that the changes to my body were still obvious, especially on my belly and breasts.  When I started gaining weight (due to stress, bad healthcare, Shaun taking me out to eat frequently, etc.), it was impossible to lose.  I tried counting calories and have a journal of what I'd eat in a day.  I was miserable.  I tried fasting.  Fasting felt good, but I was inconsistent and always went overboard on eat days.  It wasn't until getting thyroid medication and starting a GLP-1 that I felt I could actually have any sort of control over my weight.

I do want and need to start strength training for my bone health and because I'm sure I'd look a lot better and I've never really known what it's like to feel physically strong and that sounds fun, but I feel like this is a situation I'd need a class or mentor for.  I have tried a few times alone over the years and don't want to do it by myself.  I can't stay motivated.  But put me in a class?  Yeah, I'm gonna try to ace it.

It's so stupid because Shaun is literally right here and has experience with building muscle, but I want to look good FOR him, not with him.  😅  I fucking hate this.  Why do I care if he sees me struggle?  It wouldn't be the first time, but he usually sees me struggling mentally, not physically.  Also, when I'm home, I'm relaxing.  I don't want to work out here.  And I don't want to go to a gym with him.  If I'm hanging out with him, I want to have fun, not be doing work.  He is my relaxing space.  It doesn't feel nice to have him push me, I think.  Yeah, I definitely don't like it when he has expectations of me.  It feels gross and frustrating.  I want to already be enough/good enough.  And it's not like he ever (intentionally) does anything that makes me feel like I'm not, but entering into a learning situation is literally saying "I'm not enough.  I'm not where I want to be.  Teach me." and that is an ok space to be vulnerable and improve.  So yeah, I don't want him to see me that way, and I don't really know how to change that.  I also feel like I don't have very much control over my body, in a way.  Like, never once have I been able to make a physical change that I wanted to happen, happen, so it almost feels pointless to even try.

So, all this is to say that I do still mask around him/when he's home, but far less than I do with anyone else.  It still costs me energy to do it, so hopefully having him gone to work will allow me to slow/stop the constant small energy leak while I work with my therapist on just taking the damn thing off for good.  I don't know.  But as usual, I'm a work in progress.

I've read about this from more than one source...

I've read about this from more than one source and find it both distressing and helpful.

Simply resting more was really not bringing me back to a more functional state. When I say things like "I don't know how to exist/be a person anymore." this is exactly what I mean.

I have functioned one way for 43 years, and it no longer works for me. I literally don't know exactly what steps I have to take to get back to some version of "ok", but I know that whatever my future looks like, it will have to be different from the past. That is infinitely vague. 😅😭

Hermiting has helped a bit. As a recovering people-pleaser, being less socially available has reduced demands a lot, but as a social creature with "golden retriever energy" (per my son), it's also not sustainable. I have to learn to protect my energy while still maintaining friendships, and I don't know what that looks like. I'm starting with shorter hangouts and not taking any tasks, but will my people still feel loved? I don't know, and that's scary.

I am (hopefully) going to be working full-time again within the next few months. What does that look like? Will people want to work with me still if I don't/can't agree to everything? Small talk drains my life force with a quickness. I prefer written instructions vs. verbal. How do I navigate that?  Give me a prioritized list and I'm great. Is it ok to just say it? Is that asking for an accommodation and what if my manager doesn't like it?

There is so much I don't know. It feels like a lot to untangle. It is a lot to figure out. And I'm trying, but it's baby steps.

The struggle is real, but I love you and appreciate you for sticking with me through this mess. I hope that whatever relationship we have when I come out on the other side is intact in a way that still works for us both. 💙

I overextended myself yesterday.

I overextended myself yesterday.  I ended up exhausted and went to bed so early, then woke up in the middle of the night (peri peeps, y'all know the 3/4 am wakeup call.  It's a hormonal thing that turns us into werecougars.)  I usually just read myself back to sleep, but I was literally having dark thoughts and spiraling.

I feel only slightly better today.  I talked to Shaun and told him I need him out of the house sometimes.  I just need literal solitude.  My background processes don't stop listening for him or thinking about him when he's here.  I don't quite know the logistics of how he's different than the animals or the child I raised, but he is.  Shadow and the pets can be background.  Kira sleeps most of the day and tends to stay upstairs, but can definitely be a demand sometimes.  She's a gray area because I still view her as a kid even though I didn't fully raise her.  But Shaun is like a best friend that never leaves my house.  Just isolating in my bedroom is not helping me recover.  Don't get me wrong; sometimes I definitely need that, but it alone is not enough.

Thankfully, he has been looking for work outside of our home, and he's had a few good leads.  Maybe something will come through soon.  Also, he didn't take offense when I told him that I never get to miss him.  He understands.

We also had a talk about showing affection.  I have never been a hugger.  I'm actually not big on being touched.  Growing up, I didn't receive affection that way and most of the touch I received was violent in nature.  So I generally don't enjoy having hands coming towards me at all.  But when we started dating, I hugged Shaun.  I wanted to touch him and that was what people did, so I did it, too.  And I did enjoy it.  It's easy when things are new.

But now that's not the case and it's no one's fault.  His shirt is always covered in cat hair because that is our life right now, so when I hug him my face goes right into that.  It's a sensory nightmare.  I also don't like my face being smushed, but due to our height difference, my face goes right under/between his pecs.  Sometimes if I actually want to hug him, I just go under his shirt and that's better.  His chest hair doesn't stick to my face like cat hair.  So for years, I've just been doing this thing that I don't get anything out of because he seemed to need it and I thought it was what I was supposed to do.

I'm not gonna do it anymore.  Not like that, anyway.

If he's sitting and I'm standing, I greatly prefer those hugs.  His face is on my chest, and my face isn't getting smushed or haired.  I can enjoy those.  We haven't figured out how he can physically show me affection in a way that I will like yet; I don't like to be massaged or petted or anything like that.  I like it when we touch legs while hanging out.  That feels like not an attack.  Head bonks are cool.  I also like sitting next to each other, like a cuddle - like what cats and dogs do with us.  I don't know, but I don't feel like that's as big a deal right now as me letting go of the daily "demand" (of course he doesn't actually demand them; it's just a thing that I felt like I was supposed to do) of hugs that I don't like.

I feel like the worst partner.  I don't know why he likes me.  Even when I was (unknowingly) fully masking at the beginning of our relationship, I know I wasn't an easy person.  My mental health has only gotten worse/more complicated over the years, and he's still here, still putting in the work, still not taking any offense to anything I need to say - no matter how insensitive it may seem.  I feel very lucky, but also very confused.  Like, I don't get why anyone would choose the mess that I am, but whatever floats his goat, I guess.

I haven't been doing ok.

I haven't been doing ok.

Dealing with burnout and discovering that it's related to Autism (that I didn't know I had) has been a whole journey.  I only found out in early March and it explains a lot of things, but I'm still trying to understand how to make existence easier.  In this case, I don't feel like knowing has been half of the battle.

I've been keeping to myself more and resting.  I've been going to my room when I need actual quiet and regulation.  Shaun has been handling things like grocery shopping for a while, but now I know why I hate it and I will probably tag along even less because it's a stress I can avoid.

I have long said that Shaun knows me better than anyone, and I guess what I was trying to say before but didn't have the context to put into words is that I mask less around him than I ever have with anyone else, aside from maybe Shadow (my son).  It's something I've done since childhood and it happens so automatically with most people that I don't even know how to stop.

But I guess progress is knowing when I'm not ok and when I'll definitely be slipping the mask on, and trying not to put myself in situations where I have to use that energy when my battery is already low.  Lately, that means opting out of things I'd normally like to do, like seeing friends, going to the Cactus & Succulent society sales and events, going to the tech socials, even chatting to friends, etc.  I'm just running on fumes and I'm not sure how to refill the tank.  All of the sleep in the world doesn't seem to be helping.

Losing Scar and Ash last week has been terrible for my mental health.  I have felt so raw and weepy.  It's taken a week to adjust to sleeping without Scar on my face, and to stop listening for him all night.  Adrian (the other old kitty in my bedroom) is a great snuggler.  She's enjoying being the main character now, but I need to trim her nails.  She is very jumpy and launches herself away at the slightest noise or movement, and she is scratching me in tender places (like the backs or insides of my upper arms), and I just really don't need the physical pain right now.

I haven't showered in about a week and I don't know when I will.  I haven't yet deep-cleaned my bedroom or changed sheets from the ones that Scar last slept on.  I've been living on toast and waffles because the most "cooking" I can get myself to do is use the toaster.

I'm medicated for depression, but I feel like I'm having a bit of breakthrough depression... but like, I think it's normal to be not ok right now.  And I'm not.  🤷🏻

I'm stressed. And sad. And tired.

I'm stressed. And sad. And tired.

I'm about to get some sleep.

This is the last week of the bootcamp. I think we're officially done coding on Wednesday, then we have Thursday to work on our presentations... which is kind of a big deal because there will be employers there.

I ate too much junk food because of my birthday and I've got the inflammation to prove it. Psoriasis on my face before this presentation? Sure, why not. I will try to eat clean this week and hope it helps.

I did some retail therapy at like, 3 this morning. We don't have extra money right now, but I bought myself two pairs of skates. I haven't skated in at least a year. 😬😭 I miss it and I dream about it all the time. But Bear doesn't like the sound, so doing it at home is out of the question. When I was working, I found it hard to get to the skate park. After I was laid off, it wasn't on my mind. But after I started this bootcamp, I really started craving an outlet and some alone time, so that's probably why I've been dreaming about it. I love to put on some earbuds and just ride my feet.

For what it's worth, I bought both pairs from ebay. They are barely used - seriously, the wheels aren't even dirty. 😳 I got them half off of retail, and one pair even comes with an extra set of wheels. 😳😳😳 They're both a larger size than my current outdoor Chaya Melrose skates, so hopefully they'll be more comfortable. One reason I stopped skating so much was because those skates made my feet go to sleep after a while, so that's probably not a good sign. 😂

I told Shaun today that I shopped, and he was like "Happy Birthday, I guess." 😂 He's so patient with me.

But also, I'm probably gonna sell my Chaya Melrose skates. They're in super great condition; I just feel strongly that they belong on smaller feet. I did measure my foot the way all of the videos said to before I bought them, but my feet are wide and the narrow toe box never loosened up enough. 🤷🏻

Anyway. I was just having a ramble to clear my mind so I can sleep.

Wish me luck. It's a big week.

❤️❤️❤️

I think my anxiety is up...

I think my anxiety is up and has been for a few weeks. I haven't been able to stop picking my skin. I look horrible.

Also, I've jumped upon seeing my shadow twice in the last 2 weeks. I've never been that skittish in my life.

Fun times.

Tl;dr: Yesterday I ceased to exist.

Tl;dr:  Yesterday I ceased to exist.  I'm sorry if I did not show up for you.  It's not that I didn't want to; it was literally not possible.

Overall, I had a pretty good week, but I told myself before it was over that I was skipping a Hackathon this weekend because I was exhausted and needed to rest.  Then we had a Professional Development speaker on Friday who inspired me, and I decided that I was going to show up to the Hackathon.

That ended up being a lie.

I woke up on Saturday morning and I just could not manifest myself into personhood.  I never made it out of bed.  I had a bad headache, and the only thing I ate or drank for the whole day was Ibuprofen and the sip of water it took to get it down.  I did not eat or drink the rest of the day.  I only moved if my body started to ache from being in one position for too long.  Shaun came to check on me, and I barely responded to him.  I didn't even pick up my phone for any of that time.  I spent 30-ish hours in that condition.

By last night, he was in panic mode.  He was scared to leave me alone.  He asked if he needed to call 911.

The thing is, I wasn't going to hurt myself.  I wasn't going to move if I didn't have to.  And I didn't feel depressed or sad or bad.  I spent the time in and out of consciousness, sometimes asleep, sometimes awake, sometimes somewhere in between.  Sometimes my brain was taking me to past places, sometimes I felt it was working on a problem, sometimes it was just dreaming.  I felt numb, and sometimes lost in time or space.  I was sometimes vaguely aware of the animals or kids or Shaun, sometimes not.  It did not feel like a bad or scary experience.  It kind of felt necessary.

I woke up/got up today like it was a regular day.  I ate my usual breakfast and took my meds.  I don't feel like I am 100% here; I feel more like I am in ghost mode.  I can affect some things, but my brain is also still lingering in the halfway place.

I feel like this was an extended and deeper version of "I don't want to be a person yet."  Some of those days feel like a choice.  This was not.

So I don't know what happened, and from my Googling the closest thing I can find is Depersonalization/Derealization.  I do have depression and anxiety and am medicated for both.  It was a busy week and I did have fun, but I think that agreeing to do the Hackathon was too much.  There were also some other stressors, too.  More stressy stressors, actually.  So my theory is that I wasn't able to exist as a person on Saturday, perhaps because I needed to rest or because my brain was trying to protect me or because of hormonal fluctuations due to peri or a combination of it all.  It's all kind of messy right now and I'm working on figuring things out, but it's not easy.

My plan for the rest of this day is to do some homework, and otherwise a bunch of self-care and rest.  I seem to function MOSTLY fine during the week, but by the weekends lately I'm a mess.

I have an appointment on Thursday to see if my hormones need adjusting.  I will bring up whatever this episode was with my doctor, as well.  If they can't help me figure it out, it might be time to be referred to a psychiatrist.  I really didn't mind how I felt yesterday, but apparently I scared Shaun and the kids, and I also didn't take my usual antianxiety and antidepressant because I didn't eat or move, so that's not good.  I am usually very consistent with my meds, but it was not my choice and not possible yesterday.

I hope you all are doing well.  I'm going through some weirdness, but I've been through worse.  I'll be ok.  ❤

General Life Update:

General Life Update:

Today was nice. I felt refreshed and ready to handle life.

I had an appointment with Midi and it went well. I'll have to pay out of pocket for the visit because my insurance doesn't cover them, but I need HRT to keep feeling my best, so it's ok. The appointment fee is about 1/7 of what I was paying for insurance monthly at my job, so paying this out of pocket once or twice a a year is still worth it.

Speaking of insurance:  It fully covers my therapy sessions, so I'm scheduled to resume those next week.

I need to go to the pharmacy tomorrow to work some things out. I also have an appointment at the unemployment office.

I stepped on the scale to see how I was doing since I was basically in vacation-mode for the last 10 days. I gained 1 pound. My provider had a miscommunication with the pharmacy, so I've been out of Semaglutide for 2 weeks. I'll have it again on Friday. I thought I'd have gained more than a pound after being out of meds AND basically eating out every day, so I'm not upset at all. I think that making (mostly) healthy choices and staying active kept me in line. I'm amazed that that works for me now!

I feel like I'm in a pretty good spot mentally at the moment. I'm sleeping a lot better. A couple of weeks ago, we moved the litter box out of our bathroom. It's on the balcony now. The upstairs cats have to go through a cat door and tunnel to get to the boxes. The room smells a lot better, I'm not sweeping up litter twice a day, I don't hear them scratching around in the box, or hear the Litter Robot cycling. As a light sleeper, those subtle noises were waking me up constantly. This is a lot better.

I think I'm going to start my walking again. I felt energetic today... probably because I had tea. 😂 I did some light cleaning and laundry, and also watered some plants. But also, in general, I just feel better after having spent time with one of my best friends. Most of my friends are long-distance these days, so just having a break and not worrying about stuff and being with someone (besides Shaun) who loves me and understands me was super great. I think it really did me a lot of good.

Anyway. I'm crashing out at a appropriate hour, so I'm about to tuck myself in and call it a night. I hope y'all are doing well. ❤️❤️❤️

Life update:

Life update:

Me and Shaun lost our health insurance at the end of April.  We have too much in savings to be eligible for Medicaid here, so we'll have to pay out of pocket for other state insurance.  It's going to be about $750/month to get ourselves covered, which isn't ideal since I'm unemployed.  But I'm grateful for the option.  Btw, the kids still have their Medicaid, so they're fine.

I haven't been to therapy since mid-May because I can't afford to pay $250/week for it.  But I'm doing ok mentally.  We will have to purchase insurance by next month because I won't have enough medication left to be normal if I don't.  I have a supply of my antidepressant and antianxiety, as well as the hormones I need.  I will check in with Shaun tomorrow and see where he is with medication.  Also, I'm going to push him to go to urgent care if his sinus infection doesn't clear up.

I feel like I really needed the deep rest, so being laid off was kind of a relief at first.  Now I've been sick for the last week or so, and I've needed a bunch of rest to recover from that.  I'm feeling mostly better, though, so now I'm just feeling really untethered; but not in a good way.  I guess "aimless" would be a good word to describe it.

There is so much I could be doing.  I could finish swatching my polish.  Work on my database.  Try to sell some of the jewelry I made since I don't have an income.  Try to sell some of our extra stuff from around the house because I love to declutter and money would be nice.

I could clean.  I could do the laundry I've been meaning to do for more than 6 weeks.  I'm down to wearing nightgowns day in and day out because I am literally out of clean clothes.  😆  I could at least make myself some healthy food, but I've been living on soup and pizza rolls and rice pudding for weeks.  I have no willpower to do anything except for water my plants.

The one positive from this downtime is that I have actually started gaining some energy back.  Not enough that I want to use it yet, but it's harder to lay around and that's a good thing.  For the past two nights in a row, I've dreamed about roller skating.  I feel like that's a good sign.  I've ordered a boot stretcher so that I can stretch the toe of my skates and hopefully wear them for longer periods.  They fit toe-to-heel, but I have wide feet and the toe box is so narrow.  It's hard to wear them for long.

As much as schedules feel like prison, I'm far more productive and stable when I have one.

Anyway.  I know of several people who were let go from my previous company and no one is having luck getting hired anywhere.  I'm pretty sure it's the job market and not us.  I have degrees in Math and Computer Science, as well as certifications in ServiceNow.  I feel like I should be pretty marketable.  I had been looking for work involving ServiceNow, but I'm starting to think I need to widen my search and see if that helps.  I'm also considering looking into Salesforce.

Other than that, I have some friends visiting soon and I am so excited about it.  I feel like I need it and I think we all will have a great time.

I hope y'all are doing well.  ❤  I'm not 100%, but things will get better.

I just finished removing and redoing...

I just finished removing and redoing the hard gel overlay that had on when I was fired almost a month ago.

It was super grown out and starting to lift. I have plants to repot on Monday when my dirt arrives.

I might be slipping, y'all.

Maybe I'll get Shaun's nails taken care of tomorrow.

I'm in bed...

I'm in bed under my weighted blanket, being cuddled by Adrian and Scar.

For the first time in I don't know how long, I feel at peace.

❤️

I feel like I'm in an anxiety-induced depressive spiral...

I feel like I'm in an anxiety-induced depressive spiral. I'm having trouble doing anything productive.

Look at the flowers, though. It's the pink one's first time!

I'm about to say something...

I'm about to say something and it might make some of you think less of me.  But I am who I am:  A chronic over-sharer who can't keep a secret.  So, here we go.

This morning Shadow came downstairs and caught me and Shaun doing something weird. 😆 Well, to him it seemed weird, obviously.  He threw his hand out, looked the other way, and said loudly "I just need some water!" and proceeded into the kitchen looking away from us.  I explained to him what was happening so his mind didn't get crazy on him since he was trying to get some rest after getting off work.

Look.  I'm not gonna drag this part out until the end.  I'm just gonna say it:

After the shortage was declared over, I started Semaglutide for weight loss.  I was prescribed it by a company called Lavender Sky.  It gets compounded with B-12 and sent to me from a pharmacy in TX.  It doesn't go through my insurance; I am paying out of pocket for it.  I just took dose 2 today.  So far, so good.  The only thing I've noticed so far is that I feel fuller for longer.  I'm not having any negative side effects yet.  These are just the loading doses and I have patience for days, so I'm not worried if I don't see a difference in the mirror for a while.

I have no issue with anyone being whatever size they are happy with being, but I haven't felt like myself in a long time - probably pushing 10 years.  Having a sedentary job helped me gain weight.  The stress of college + working + depression + untreated Psoriatic Arthritis was a quadruple combo that really messed me up, and that was all going strong by 2015.  The stress didn't let up, and in fact, intensified at times, before I graduated.  We got Kira, but that came with a lot of tension; the transition was one thing, but the worry of losing her was something else; we lost Shaun's mom and also his dad; of course we lost some pets during those years; and we were SUPER broke because by 2017 Shaun was the only one working when I had to go full time to school for scholarship purposes.  Then the pandemic!  I don't honestly think things let up for us until 2022 after I got the job I wanted and started making money.

There are lots of reasons that people gain weight, and there are lots of reasons they don't lose it.  For me, food was a comfort.  Especially restaurant food.  That's not something I was able to indulge in often as a single parent, but after me and Shaun got together in 2008 it became more of a regular thing.  But I was still young and active and had a good metabolism - for a while, anyway.  Once depression started hitting, I was basically eating garbage just to boost my brain.  I remember when Scooter got sick and I would eat a box of brownies a day for a while.  I remember in college when I was stressed and I'd eat like, 6 drumstick ice creams in a row while watching King of the Hill on repeat because I just couldn't function.  That was my norm on and off for years.  It eased up some after I started being treated for anxiety and depression, but unfortunately, the habits and cravings remained.  And for all I know, weight gain could also be a side effect of those medications, but I do not dare go off them.

Over the years I have tried to lose weight, but it never budged.  I've always hated counting calories, but I really enjoyed fasting.  It cleared my skin and helped my bone pain.  It gave me energy and a sense of control, for once.  But fasting doesn't work if you don't stick to it, and especially if you binge afterwards.  I am great at having self-control - for a short time.  But when it's gone, it's GONE.  (This is how I know I'd make a great addict.)  So I never actually made any progress with weight loss, but many times it has helped me manage my psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis.

Anyway, I've read a lot about Semaglutide and a lot of people who are on it say that it helps to quiet "food noise."  I probably won't know if I have that until it's gone, but I suspect that I do.  I've also read that it helps some people with things like alcohol addiction or addictive behaviors in general.  Other people have even said that they have less inflammation on it.  It hasn't been tested or approved for any of those things (or even weight loss), but I want to try it and so I am.  I know that compounding pharmacies have a certain time until they aren't supposed to make it anymore, but I don't care.  I will buy it off the gray market if it helps me. 🤷

I want to start feeling like myself again.  I've been walking and strength training all year (which I know isn't super long at this point), but I haven't seen any progress on fat loss (though I can tell my arms are stronger).  I truly suspect that I messed up my hormones by being stressed to the breaking point for so many years.  I sacrificed my body to strengthen my mind and get a better job - literally.  In November of 2014, my psoriatic arthritis doctor told me to go to college and change my life.  He said things wouldn't get easier if I didn't.  He knew that financial stress was the biggest stress I had (causing flare-ups and pain), and he knew that I didn't have insurance.  He literally looked me in my face, told me that I was smart enough to do it, and I just... believed him and then tried.  I started college in January of 2015 and finished in December of 2020.  I did that and I made it through; now I have the time and money to take care of my body, and I want to.  If I can't, then what was all of that for?

I do feel better now that I am on thyroid meds, but I don't feel like that alone is going to enable me to make progress.  And really, at this point, all I want is for my efforts to make a difference.  I'm not asking this drug to be a miracle and just melt fat off my body.  I'm willing and able to put in the work, but I definitely need help with getting my eating under control.  With menopause looming around the corner, it's definitely not going to get easier and I HAVE TO get this under control or it's only going to get worse.  I feel like it's now or never.  Time is running out.

So Shadow walked in this morning on me failing, for the second time, to inject myself (in my belly fat roll) with my medicine.  My shirt was on, my fat roll was out, Shaun was standing really close to my chair so I wouldn't fall out, (trying to support me and help me get up my nerve).  I didn't think it looked that weird, though, so I don't know what Shadow thought was going on. 😂

It's such a stupidly tiny needle and I barely even feel it.  I don't know why I can't just stick myself.  I have had many piercings over the years, I like to watch my blood be taken, and I'm not scared of needles.  I mean - my favorite plants are cactus and they stab me ALL THE TIME.  But the thought of stabbing that itty bitty needle into my own flesh just gives me the jeeblies and I start to feel faint and nauseated.  Shaun has given me both shots so far, and I've laid in the floor feeling like a nauseated, faint failure afterwards both times. 😂 It's so dumb.  But I will keep trying.

Anyway, judge me all you want if that's your thing, but I'm tired of trying to do things "the hard way" and failing.  I need help to make progress, and I'm not ashamed to admit that.  I am using the willpower/motivation I have to wake up for work and to do my job and not buy nail polish or succulents and to take care of other things that are my responsibility.  There is barely enough left to do my walking, Duolingo, and strength training in a day.  As usual, I've put myself last on the list, but I am on there at least and getting help.  So this is what I'm doing right now, and now you know. ❤

I crashed hard after I took my meds.

I crashed hard after I took my meds. Scar was eating and not with me.

I woke up at 3 and he wasn't on my pillow. Usually, he wants under my cheek or just flops down on my nose. If I move, he moves (just like that). Sorry, couldn't resist - but yeah. If I move, he re-snuggles me almost immediately every time. He sometimes runs me off the pillow until I'm sideways in bed. 

But last night, he was near my chest, not touching me at all. 😭😭😭

When I woke up and noticed, I petted him. He reached a paw out and touched my chest. He's back to halfway on my pillow now, but still keeping some space. He's touching my arm, but not snuggling.

I may have bitten him harder than I thought. In my dream I was biting in self-defense, so I wasn't fucking around. He didn't cry out or run away, but he was asleep and probably as stunned as I was. He's definitely behaving different towards me, though, and I'm sad. I know it sounds funny, (and maybe it is) but in reality I was messed up about it all day yesterday.

Around 6 this morning, I was having a nightmare.

Around 6 this morning, I was having a nightmare.

I know this because I woke up... with a mouth full of fur. 😬

I was fighting someone in my dream and in real life bit Scar on the back.

I must not have hurt him (thank goodness) because he didn't move. He slept on my pillow the rest of the morning.

I know that I've yelled in my sleep. I probably do the regular flailing, but have no confirmation of that. But waking up nomming on the back of my cat is a new one for me. 😬😅