My teeth have been hurting for about 3 weeks.

My teeth have been hurting for about 3 weeks. They are getting progressively more sensitive. It's hurts to talk, eat, drink, and brush them. It's not a single bad tooth; it's every tooth at once.

That's another possible symptom of peri. Low Estrogen is bad for your bones.

I am on HRT and still struggling not to fall apart. I guess I'm going to talk to my doctor this week.

I think my anxiety is up...

I think my anxiety is up and has been for a few weeks. I haven't been able to stop picking my skin. I look horrible.

Also, I've jumped upon seeing my shadow twice in the last 2 weeks. I've never been that skittish in my life.

Fun times.

I put my estrogen patch on as soon as I got home.

I put my estrogen patch on as soon as I got home. My doctor said I could, but I was gonna do it regardless. 😂 I have too much going on to be feeling so bad.

I'm looking forward to feeling better soon.

I gotta call my doctor today.

I gotta call my doctor today. I don't think I can be off estrogen. I had hot flashes last night, joint pain for the last few days, and one of my shoulders started hurting this morning. I DO NOT want Frozen Shoulder.

This hormone stuff is so tricky to get right. And it affects EVERYTHING. 😭😭😭

I stayed in bed until around 6 pm.

I stayed in bed until around 6 pm. Here it is a mere 5-ish hours later and I'm already ready to go back.

I've been cramping for about a week, but no period. I took off my estrogen patch on Thursday as instructed, and now I'm having bone pain and hot flashes. I'll call my doctor tomorrow to let him know how I'm feeling.

I'm gonna make a small meal and eat, then go to bed.

I wanted to do my nails and water my plants today, but all I managed was a shower.

I'm having a ramble. Don't mind me.

I'm having a ramble.  Don't mind me.

I had my appointment to check my hormones today.  The doctor is switching things up for me, so hopefully I'll feel more like myself soon.

This morning I was rushed between 2 appointments, and I am so embarrassed that I said this, but I did:  "I love you move out the way." as I was trying to leave the house.  I brushed past Shaun with that shit coming out in one breath and IMMEDIATELY felt awful.  He's such a good person and didn't deserve that and I feel so unlike myself lately that I can barely function.  I did apologize immediately, and he is not taking this personally (THANK GOODNESS), but DAMN.

I don't know how well I'm even hiding it outside of the house.  Last week, two guys were talking through a presentation I was trying to hear and after I gave them a couple of looks, I finally just turned around,  threw my arms open and said, "Seriously, guys.  There's a presentation right now."  I didn't say "Sorry", or "Excuse me", or anything to soften it.  (They did apologize and stop talking, and the presenter carried on.)  But anyone who knows me knows that was pretty out of character for me.  Normally, the most I'd have done is "Shhh!" without even looking at them and hope for the best.

There is also this that has been happening for a while:  I've lost about half of the thickness of my hair since August.  I'm not usually very bothered by cosmetic shit; I guess growing up as a teen with psoriasis on your face will break you from being too obsessed with looks.  I don't even think it looks super noticeable, but my freaking head is cold!  And I'm seriously so sick of finding hair in my butt crack.

I thought it might be from the weight loss / Semaglutide, but the doctor said that if my thyroid is low, that could be a cause, as well.  I'm having a lot of other symptoms of low thyroid again, so he's upping my meds, and my testosterone, as well.  I'm going off Estrogen and Progesterone for a month so we can do bloodwork and see what my cycle is up to, as well.  He wants to hear from me about how I'm feeling in a week or so, and I'm grateful for that.

I've lost 20 pounds since I started Semaglutide earlier this year.  I look and feel a lot better, but my body has changed in unexpected ways.  I really thought my boobs would deflate; I remember in high school wearing a Playtex "Nearly A" cup bra, which is a thing that existed.  I thought I'd return to flat; however, I have retained the boobage and I'm overflowing my 34DD bra.

At the same time, I still have a booty, but my jeggings were practically falling off me.  So while we don't have extra money and my unemployment has ended even though I don't have a job, I had to invest in some jeans.  It was getting ridiculous and I looked terrible.  I have found one pair of jeans that fit so far.  I have some Gap Curvy's on the way, so hopefully they'll fit, too.  I'm not trying to spend too much in case I lose a few more pounds, but I desperately needed something that fit, especially with me leaving the house for the Web Dev bootcamp.  It's one thing to work from home, but to be perceived knowing you look like crap... eh.  I didn't care for it.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now.  Class is keeping me busy and exhausted.  I'll talk more about that later.  For now, I'm gonna go eat and rest up.  ❤❤❤

My day got better.

My day got better.

I walked with a friend to a café and we talked about me possibly getting to help build a website. It was a super nerdy and fun chat.

When I headed home from the city, the radio was playing all the good songs (Pony by Ginuwine, Creep by TLC, Dear Mama by 2pac) and it was nice.

I almost made it home without using Maps.

I felt alive and connected this afternoon/evening.

Now I'm crashing out and going to bed. I'm so tired. But today was worth getting up for. I gotta remember that.

❤️

My mood has eased up some. Thank goodness.

My mood has eased up some. Thank goodness.

But I do think it's time to check my hormone levels and up the doses because I have not been feeling like myself lately.

TMI post. I really don't care. You've been warned.

TMI post. I really don't care. You've been warned.

I'm struggling this morning. I think it's getting close to my period (I hope this is the TEMPORARY reason for my extra-foul mood), but this peri hormone rollercoaster has gmfu even worse. I am not fit to be around anyone today. I've been rude to my animals, I've told Shaun "Please don't make me tell you again that I don't want to talk to you." and I have to leave my house and deal with people.

I'm gonna be masking so hard all day. Wish me and my non-existent patience luck, because we're gonna need it.

Life update:

Life update:

Me and Shaun lost our health insurance at the end of April.  We have too much in savings to be eligible for Medicaid here, so we'll have to pay out of pocket for other state insurance.  It's going to be about $750/month to get ourselves covered, which isn't ideal since I'm unemployed.  But I'm grateful for the option.  Btw, the kids still have their Medicaid, so they're fine.

I haven't been to therapy since mid-May because I can't afford to pay $250/week for it.  But I'm doing ok mentally.  We will have to purchase insurance by next month because I won't have enough medication left to be normal if I don't.  I have a supply of my antidepressant and antianxiety, as well as the hormones I need.  I will check in with Shaun tomorrow and see where he is with medication.  Also, I'm going to push him to go to urgent care if his sinus infection doesn't clear up.

I feel like I really needed the deep rest, so being laid off was kind of a relief at first.  Now I've been sick for the last week or so, and I've needed a bunch of rest to recover from that.  I'm feeling mostly better, though, so now I'm just feeling really untethered; but not in a good way.  I guess "aimless" would be a good word to describe it.

There is so much I could be doing.  I could finish swatching my polish.  Work on my database.  Try to sell some of the jewelry I made since I don't have an income.  Try to sell some of our extra stuff from around the house because I love to declutter and money would be nice.

I could clean.  I could do the laundry I've been meaning to do for more than 6 weeks.  I'm down to wearing nightgowns day in and day out because I am literally out of clean clothes.  😆  I could at least make myself some healthy food, but I've been living on soup and pizza rolls and rice pudding for weeks.  I have no willpower to do anything except for water my plants.

The one positive from this downtime is that I have actually started gaining some energy back.  Not enough that I want to use it yet, but it's harder to lay around and that's a good thing.  For the past two nights in a row, I've dreamed about roller skating.  I feel like that's a good sign.  I've ordered a boot stretcher so that I can stretch the toe of my skates and hopefully wear them for longer periods.  They fit toe-to-heel, but I have wide feet and the toe box is so narrow.  It's hard to wear them for long.

As much as schedules feel like prison, I'm far more productive and stable when I have one.

Anyway.  I know of several people who were let go from my previous company and no one is having luck getting hired anywhere.  I'm pretty sure it's the job market and not us.  I have degrees in Math and Computer Science, as well as certifications in ServiceNow.  I feel like I should be pretty marketable.  I had been looking for work involving ServiceNow, but I'm starting to think I need to widen my search and see if that helps.  I'm also considering looking into Salesforce.

Other than that, I have some friends visiting soon and I am so excited about it.  I feel like I need it and I think we all will have a great time.

I hope y'all are doing well.  ❤  I'm not 100%, but things will get better.

This makes my third week on Testosterone and Hypothyroid meds.

This makes my third week on Testosterone and Hypothyroid meds. According to the doctor, I should be feeling pretty good by now - and I do.

• No migraines since I started these meds
• Sleeping better
• Not always cold; in fact I'm sometimes warm without a hoodie and blanket
• I've got a bit more energy
• Even though I've felt stress, I'm not taken out by it
• Not as achy as I was, but it's still there
• Have possibly lost a little weight, but I'm not really tracking it
• I still have bouts of brain fog, but I'm finding my words better than I used to

This is DEFINITELY improvement. I'll have my hormone levels tested pretty soon and see how it looks from that perspective, but I'm grateful that I'm feeling a good bit better.

I don't know what would get me back to 100% (or if it's even possible to do so), but I'm going to try to stay on top of my self-care and continue looking for answers for whatever ails me. I won't say that I don't trust doctors, but I feel better when I'm an active participant in my care. It feels better than taking someone's word over something as important as health.

Also, just throwing this out there since it's a health update:  My lichen sclerosis is under control, as well. My downstairs is ok and still there and doing what it should. I was terrified that it would never be ok, but it is and that's a huge relief.

For the past week I've been super stressed.

For the past week I've been super stressed. Politically, there is a whole lot going on and I'm sure that's a strategy to overwhelm us. I'm trying not to let it work. I also had some work stress, which ended up not being bad, but I did work some longer hours. That's ok. My point is that I slept late today because I just felt like I needed it.

At 1:something, Shaun came upstairs to check on me, which I normally appreciate, but I was still half asleep and he was turned up to 100. 😂😂😂 He was like "I thawed a rat and need your help feeding the snake we could've gone on a road trip today I can probably feed the snake by myself it's whatever what do you want to do?" and I'm just tucked in with my cat and squinting at him like "Wtf, bro?"

I'm so glad he felt great today, but that was a bit much. 😂😂😂

Anyway, I slept late and didn't have a sleep hangover, so to me that says I needed it. Despite feeling stressed most of the week, I didn't have nightmares last night. I actually had pleasant and entertaining dreams for once. I can't remember the last time that happened.

So yesterday was 2 full weeks on Testosterone and I haven't had a migraine despite my stress levels, so that's amazing. I'm finally sleeping at night again and it's wonderful. Even if I wake up to pee or whatever I'm usually able to fall back asleep. I also feel less brain-foggy and that is a huge relief.

I haven't hopped on a scale, but I feel like I might have lost some weight, too. I'm not doing anything crazy. I have a 32-day streak of walking at least 15 minutes per day. I started small because I figured it would be easier to make into a habit. I am still doing weights 3x/week, except that I skipped 2 days last week. Instead of beating myself up, I'm just going to pick up where I left off this coming week.

I don't know if weight loss would be due to the Testosterone or not, but I also started meds for Hypothyroid around the same time. All I do know is that I tried to lose weight before, during, and after college and it didn't matter if I fasted for days and walked an hour a day at the gym, it wasn't budging. But now I feel like I'm not actually trying hard and it's happening, not to mention that I don't constantly feel like I'm freezing all the time.

Whatever it is, I'm grateful that I'm feeling more normal. I also feel like I finally have a say over the state of my body. It's just weird to me that I spent so much time trying to get in shape and it wasn't happening, but now that my hormones are medicated, it doesn't feel like it will be impossible anymore. Hopefully, this will be a healthy year for me. We shall see.

I'm here to ramble again...

I'm here to ramble again because it helps to quiet my mind.  Feel free to skip this.  I'm gonna break it into sections for readability, I guess.

ANXIETY

My lips and cheeks are chewed to death.  I hate it when I get this way.  I am still on my antidepressant and antianxiety meds, but so many people are having a hard time right now and it is really upsetting.  Politically, things are going worse than I imagined.  I was hoping that the tangerine felon would just play golf through his term again, but food prices are rising (if it even makes it to the shelf), ICE is being spotted everywhere, and I'm mad as hell at everyone who voted for this.  I hope it comes back and hurts you more than it hurts anyone who didn't vote for this.  Take it personally because that's how I mean it.  Not to mention his "jokes" about serving another term.  He's obviously trying to set up to be a dictator and some of y'all are just here for it.  My only solace is that he's a crusty old man and might die.  If not, perhaps another Luigi will step up.  I said what I said.  I like it when the villain dies and that doesn't just apply to fiction.  I'm not religious or superstitious so I have zero qualms about saying it.  I will not feel bad if it happens.  I will dance.  I guess I needed to get that off my chest.

If it's not clear:  I believe in helping people.  I believe that no on is illegal on stolen land.  I believe that billionaires are a problem to be solved and that they are pitting the lower classes against each other to keep us distracted.  I believe that anyone who hoards wealth while people suffer in poverty has a serious character flaw.  I believe we should all pay our fair share of taxes, INCLUDING high-earners.  I say this having come up from poverty - literally supporting myself and my child on $17,000/year + depending on government assistance to making bank now.  I pay my taxes - my taxes are paid.  HELP OUR COMMUNITIES WITH IT!

(I know that New Mexico does take care of its citizens and that is one of the main reasons I moved here.  The red states need to get their shit together.)

More on my feelers:  We have been doing a good job about not eating out/DoorDashing food during the week.  We are doing that to save money and to try to encourage us to eat healthier.  But today... today I needed sloppy food and carbs.  I was craving it.  We ordered pizza and brownies and I have no regrets.  Sometimes we just have to comfort ourselves.  We'll get back to the routine starting tomorrow.

HORMONES

Testosterone is supposed to help with anxiety, but I am unsure if it is having any effect or not because, well, see above.  I did sleep basically through the night last night, though.  I woke up once to pee.  So I am happy about catching up on my rest.  Now if only I could calm down.  At least I haven't had another migraine.  Yay for silver linings.

I am also on a hypothyroid medication.  I am noticing that I don't feel cold as often.  I haven't hopped on a scale to measure it, but I feel like I might be losing some weight.  I'm not doing anything extra besides walking a little every day, doing my strength routine 3x week, and trying to eat at home during the week.  Doing that and more before starting this medication never once helped me shed the extra pounds I was carrying.  So if having the diet and exercise routine of a normal human being is working for me now, that's pretty great.  No complaints here.

RELIEF

I guess shouting into the void does something.  I feel exhausted now.

Today wasn't 💯, but...

Today wasn't 💯, but it really wasn't bad considering how terribly I slept due to how anxious I was about work.

I kind of bit off a lot to do on Thursday and the rest of my team has to wait for me to do my part before they can do theirs, so that's no pressure. /sarcasm 😂 I worked on it some Thursday and Friday, but I knew I'd feel better if I just had some quiet hours to dedicate to it today.

I slept late today because of how bad I slept. I finally texted Shaun to come get me out of the bedroom in the afternoon because I was just so anxious that I wasn't moving. He got me up, and I ended up getting most of my work done today. I didn't make any actual changes to the client's instance, but I have everything documented and linked in Excel so that we (as a team) can go over it on Monday and knock it out quickly. I just didn't want to be in there making that many changes without a second set of eyes.

Anyway, I feel good because I got so much done. I'm also really happy because usually when my anxiety is up and my sleep is bad I get a migraine. That didn't happen today - thank goodness. Testosterone is supposed to help with anxiety and migraines, so that may be why I didn't. If all I get is a little stuck and needing a nudge, I am fine with that. I usually know how/when to ask for help.

Well, it's 1 in the morning. I'm heading to bed. I hope I get some good sleep tonight. Hopefully I will since I don't feel worried about anything at the moment.

I've been on Testosterone for one week.

I've been on Testosterone for one week.  I've also been on meds for hypothyroid for 6 days.

The first few days were rough, mood-wise.  Other than that, my joint aches are better and my sleep is improving, as well.

I am sure it's a combination of both medications, but today was straight-up good.  I felt rested upon waking and I honestly can't remember the last time that happened.  I usually struggle with being sluggish and drowsy and desperately wanting to crawl back into bed, but not today.

I woke up, did my Duolingo, got my steps in, did my strength-training from yesterday, and went to work.  I struggle to get those 2 to 3 things done daily (I don't strength train every day), often waiting until after work to exercise, but today I knocked it out, as well as checked off some things from my to-do list.  It's been weeks since I checked even one thing off that list.

I don't know if I will have this kind of energy every day, but I am really hoping this isn't a fluke.  I felt like I wanted to feel - like I used to feel, before Psoriatic Arthritis and college stress and depression teamed up and knocked me on my ass.  Not to brag, but I used to be a person who could do things.  😂  If this does keep up, maybe I'll get back to skating and making jewelry and doing more than just sitting on the couch because that's all I have the energy left to do after working.  Here's hoping.

It's only 8:30 here, but I'm crashing out and I'm ok with that.  I'm still trying to be gentle with myself and I'm listening to my body, so I'm getting ready for bed.  I hope y'all have a good night.  <3

Day 4 on Testosterone went well.

Day 4 on Testosterone went well.

I slept about 5 hours in a row before waking up last night, so that's improvement. I took a Melatonin around 3 this morning and slept late again since I didn't have to work. I definitely needed it.

My mood has been more stable. Not only did I NOT ask Shaun to not look at/speak to me, but I had a little bit of energy to check on the greenhouse. I think that my mood was just intense my first couple of days on T, and I read that is to be expected. Hopefully, I'm done being irritable.

My joint aches are almost non-existent, so that's really nice.

So far, so good. I guess I just had to get over the initial shock to my system. Hopefully, things will keep improving. Y'all know I will keep you posted.

Goodnight, friends. ❤️

I'm still on the struggle bus, but ...

I'm still on the struggle bus, but I did my walking, my Duolingo, and leg day today. Better late than never.

I went to bed early last night and woke up around 1 am with prickly itching in my downstairs. I scratched before I could stop myself and I noticed some skin changes. I'm really sad about that. I'm still on medication for Lichen Sclerosus, so I thought it would stop my labia from changing and/or disappearing. I don't want them to disappear! They are still there, but I'm distraught. Like, do these changes mean that I'm still in an active flare? I don't know anything. I might look for a dermatologist or something.

I'm in physical distress with whatever is happening down there, plus my hormone situation. It's also causing quite a bit of mental distress, too. I feel really scared and sad and then I take my Testosterone and get rage-y on top of that. I think I handled today better than yesterday. I didn't tell Shaun not to talk to me or look at me, but I was pretty rude to him when Toebean let me know he was hungry for his special food that keeps him from getting stones and Shaun hadn't fed him. 😬  Shaun is basically handling everything around the house at this point, and I'm saving all of my energy and politeness for work, since both are very limited.

So far, I feel that the Testosterone has helped my joint pains some. I am still achy, but not as bad. It's only been 3 days, though, so there's plenty of time for me to feel better.

I woke up around noon and I'm heading back to bed at not-even 10. I feel like my batteries are low and it sucks. I do not know how to function like this.

Goodnight, friends. I hope y'all are having a better time than I am. ❤️

I'm about to go to bed because I'm exhausted...

I'm about to go to bed because I'm exhausted, despite sleeping as long as I wanted to today.

So last night I saw someone post about a music video with Roseanne in it. I made Shaun look it up on YouTube on the TV. That was... Something.

After that, there was a video talking about Jafar Jackson and how he sounds so much like Michael. I made Shaun watch that with me, too.

Being tired and done with my bullshit, he turned the TV off because he was going to bed (around 9 last night). Having just learned of Jafar's existence and wanting to know more, I opened the YouTube app on my phone. It presented me with a pimple-popping video and I COULD NOT look away. So I sat here on the couch until 2:30 this morning watching disgusting, grossly-satisfying video after video. I could not stop. For 5 hours I sat here, trapped and entranced. I'm afraid I've now ruined my YouTube algorithm and I'm scared to open it again. Apparently I'm defenseless against pimple-popping videos. Not super shocking since I'm such a skin-picker, myself.

Anyway, I didn't make it out of the bedroom today until around 2 this afternoon. I did do my walking, but not my delayed leg day from yesterday. I will try again tomorrow.

I thought I was ok, but then I found out that my face looked mad. I didn't feel mad, but over the course of the day I asked Shaun to stop talking to me, and then eventually to stop looking at me. So I guess I've felt some kind of way. Like "We can watch TV together, but do not perceive me." 😂 He just went to bed... in his game room. He said it was probably safer that way. 😂😂😂

I really need to do my nails. I've had this gel overlay on for 3-ish weeks. Maybe 4. I cut my nails recently because they were getting too long, but the gel is starting to lift and that's probably causing damage. But I obviously didn't feel like doing nails today. On top of my mood, I've felt tired and also foggy. I can't blame the hormones because I'm the one who stayed up late, but I'm sure they are doing something. I'm on day 2 of Testosterone and started my Hypothyroid meds today.  I should probably be resting and taking it easy while my body adjusts. So, goodnight. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I started my Testosterone today.

I started my Testosterone today. They warned me it was bitter and offered to flavor it. I chose watermelon. It's not bad. It has to melt under my tongue.

They said it could take up to 3 weeks to normalize my levels and feel better.

I am hoping with everything I have that it helps me sleep.

Here's another long, probably TMI post:

Here's another long, probably TMI post:

I want to start by saying that those books I recommended a week or so back that were given to me by my doctor have some good points. But after finishing reading them and then doing some investigation, they were definitely pushing Testosterone pellets (implants that last 3-4 months) that they make. Not that I have full faith in the government, but the pellets aren't FDA approved and also not covered by insurance. They cost about $350/pellet out of pocket, and I just don't have it like that. Not only that, once implanted they can't be removed, and I don't want to try a hormone for the first time not knowing how I'll react to it without the option of quitting it/adjusting the dose if I need to.

I do, however, really like the idea of hormone treatment that releases over months. No roller-coaster from taking it, no affect on the liver - just in your body as if you made it. I may be open to trying the pellets one day, but it's just not a thing that can happen right now.

THAT BEING SAID, I am very pleased with how my visit went today.

She said that my thyroid is low. Still within normal range, but asked if I had any symptoms of low thyroid and I do. I have for years. But no doctor ever wanted to treat me for it because I was "in range." She prescribed me a thyroid medicine and said that I would probably feel better on it and if I do, then great, but if I have any negative side effects that I could stop taking it. I really appreciated that attitude because I felt like she was treating ME, not my labs. I go to the doctor to feel better, and she genuinely seemed to want that, too.

She also said that my testosterone is low, and I am not shocked because I have many of those symptoms, too. I'm going to start a testosterone lozenge and see how that goes. They only offer the pellets or lozenges, so it's my only option from this provider. She did say that the lozenges have better absorption than skin creams. She said it was really hard not to get T levels too high for most women with injections, so that's why they don't do it. Understandable.

The last thing we talked about is me quitting the estrogen patch. For one, my estrogen levels seem ok (I know it's not accurate to diagnose estrogen levels with one lab), but the reasoning is because it's preventing my body from doing what it's trying to do which is go through the change.

While I do feel like the estrogen might have helped me at first, that could be entirely inaccurate because I started progesterone at the same time. She said it was fine to stay on the progesterone to help with sleep, so I will.

I'm not sure about quitting estrogen; I will have to look into that. But I do like the idea of letting my body do what comes naturally, so long as I'm functional and also not miserable. I hope I have around 40 more years left, and that's a long time to have sleep issues and brain fog and low energy, etc.

Anyway. That's how that went and I'm excited to hopefully feel better soon.