Part 3:

Part 3:

Now that I am able to be part of my own team... I'm able to put US first.  I have an example.

A few years back, I had a friend ask me to help her move.  That's usually not a huge deal.  But in this particular case, it was.

It entailed me taking a few days off from work, renting a van with my own money, driving 6 hours to her place, packing her up, and driving her about 12 hours to her new destination.  I also had to pay for gas, and the hotel we stayed in, as well as my expense to get back home.

She asked me to do it and for whatever reason, that made it feel like my problem.

Shaun didn't want me to do it.  Logically, missing work suddenly and unnecessarily isn't great.  That also wasn't a cheap venture.  It was a long way to go.  I didn't know anything about the place I was taking her to.  He had every sensible reason to not want me to do this, but I was determined.  It felt very important to me, and I guess to him it seemed more important to me than the amount that he didn't want me to do it, so he agreed.  He didn't like it, but he didn't fight me about it.  So I did it.

It was not fun.  I didn't enjoy it.  It was expensive.  It was stressful.  The weather wasn't great.  There was a lot of information that I didn't have up front that would have made me not do it... stuff I'd have never even thought to ask about.  But I helped my friend and it felt nice.  Unfortunately, it was never enough for her.  She eventually asked me to move her even further; much more out of my way.  I didn't do it because I couldn't take off work again.  But if I didn't have something rigid stopping me, I might have.

Looking back at that is pretty crazy.  People always give you advice, like "You have to take care of yourself first."  And I always agreed with that logically, but I was never able to live it.  I don't know why I couldn't.  I don't know if it's because I was always having to be "the fixer" when I grew up.  I don't know if it's because other people's problems were some kind of break from my own.  Or maybe they felt more important because they wouldn't have asked if it wasn't an emergency (which isn't true, but that's how I've always operated).

So to recap:  Shaun didn't want me to do it.  I was using our money to handle this, even though we were trying to save.  He was worried for my safety, which is valid on a long trip.  And if I didn't get to do it despite all of that I would have been very upset.  I would've felt controlled.  I would've felt like I needed "permission" despite being grown.  I would have resented not doing it.

That's the kind of partner I've been for 18 years.  I've been this way with fostering animals.  I've been this way with helping people who help create their own problems.  I've been this way in regards to money; impulse shopping when we needed to save.

I am not proud of this.

In truth I was always doing my best, and I know that Shaun knows that or he wouldn't have stuck around.  I needed therapy.  I needed healthcare.  I needed medication.  And especially living in Alabama, I didn't usually have access to those things before it became an urgent situation.  Being in a state that offers Medicaid to everyone has helped me make some pretty great strides the last few years, and I am grateful for that.  Now that I can do better, I absolutely am.

Right now, at this point in my life, I can say this AND live it:

Everyone else's problems are not my problems on a personal level.  Politically, I will always vote on the side of compassion because I do want my taxes to help others who need it.  I don't care if you feel that some "unworthy" person may benefit; I feel it's better to help a few "grifters" than let so many struggling people fall through the cracks, like I did at pretty much every turn while living in a red state.  Struggling isn't a personality flaw.  Neither is poverty.

Right now I am privileged to be in a state with healthcare, as well as having just started a good job.  I feel optimistic in a sustained way for the first time in my life.

For this family of 4 humans plus pets I was the main breadwinner for 3 years, but I was unemployed/under-employed for over a year after being laid off.  Our backup money is gone.  We have more credit card debt than we've ever had.  We are better off financially than many people despite that... even some people that I care a lot about, but I have to put us first.  We have no retirement.  We have no savings.  We're in the hole.  Financially, I cannot help anyone without hurting us.

Emotionally/Mentally, I am taking this time to continue healing.  This has been a wild year being diagnosed as AuDHD.  It's explained a lot, and revealed a lot.  There is much to process.  I still care about friends and family, of course, but if I find any excess mental or emotional energy, my feeling is that Shaun has dibs since he has poured so much into me over the years.  Other people who are there for me are next in line because maintaining those relationships are important, as well.

Mentally/Physically, I am not taking on any tasks outside of what my career and the living beings on my property require.  I am not volunteering anywhere.  I'm not creating new projects.  I'm not adopting any animals.  I am putting any extra energy I have into "catching up" on my list of things that if I complete, will make me feel like I have my shit together.  It will take however long it takes and until then, I can't spend my energy on others without reducing my capacity here, and that is something that I am just no longer willing to do.

It feels very strange because I used to, in a way, think that people who didn't help others were selfish or greedy; especially if it SEEMED LIKE they had the means.  But my thinking is able to be more flexible now, and I can see that setting myself on fire to keep others warm isn't the right move.  I can also now see that hurting myself hurts my husband, and it's not ok to repeatedly hurt your teammate.  It wasn't ok before, but now that I can do something about it the change has been made.

Doormat Blu has left the building.  Team Xenethos has entered.

Part 2:

Part 2:

Before meds, I was just living.  I was just trying my best.  I was in fight or flight, so chatting felt unnecessary and like a waste of energy and time.  I knew I needed a job, so what else was there to say?  Leave me alone and let me stress out, please.

Now that I'm medicated I've been talking to Shaun a lot more.  Just in general about how we'd like for things to be, what our plans are, etc.  I've been checking in with him more about how he's doing.  I kind of feel like it might be annoying, but he assures me that it's not.

What I've found is that even if we don't have the same perspective on our topic I'm not having that "Caution!" feeling come up.  I don't feel like he's trying to change or control me.  It doesn't even cross my mind, and I love that.  It's a huge fucking relief to be honest.

I don't know if this is part of not living in fight or flight, but that sounds quite plausible.  When you're existing in that state of stress and having to rely on cortisol to get anything done, everything feels like an emergency.  And when you're in a crisis state like that you are hypervigilant for threats.  It doesn't matter if they're real; you're looking for them and you feel/react accordingly.  Sure, you may be able to logic your way out of it later, but that doesn't change your initial reaction or the hurt it causes.

Now that I'm medicated I'm not using cortisol just to live, so in general everything feels easier.  But I also feel like I am able to be a better partner and part of this team, whereas that just wasn't the case before regardless of how hard I tried.

It's just something that I have been mulling over the last week or so, and I wanted to share in case it resonated with anyone.

Part 3 incoming.

I'm here to overshare again. 😂 Part 1.

I'm here to overshare again.  😂  Part 1.

Since starting ADHD meds, I have noticed that I am finding it a ton easier to be a Team Player with Shaun.  I never DIDN'T want to be; it just literally felt impossible to do, and I'm not quite sure why.  He's always been there for me, always supported me, and always looked out for me.  He's never given me a reason not to trust him.  He's very stable and consistent.

And yet, there have always been times that I'm like "I have to look out for myself."  Like, even if we were having a calm conversation and had different points of view, that always triggered me into thinking (not logically, obviously... maybe it was more of a feeling), that he was seeking to control me or change me somehow.  So I could logic myself out of that, but by my initial reaction, he could see that I somehow felt uncomfortable or unsafe in some way.

We don't really fight or argue, but we have definitely had a recurring conversation over the years about how we're a team, and he doesn't understand why I can't believe that he's on my side.  I know that has been very hurtful and frustrating for him.  And the thing was:  Logically I knew he was solid, but emotionally there was still something firing "caution" in my brain.

I have some suspicions on why that might be.  I was raised to never trust or depend on anyone else, so there is that.  Independence is great, but being in a partnership with someone doesn't usually allow for that completely.  So if your independence is the priority, it doesn't seem fair to enter into a relationship or partnership where you need to consider another person's wants and needs instead of always having things your way.

I'm gonna pause there and say something else:

I have read and been told that starting ADHD meds could possibly cause me to feel much more autistic than I did before.

In my case, it's been the opposite.

I still have sensory triggers.  I still miss the jokes.  I still answer rhetorical questions.  I still suck at reading between the lines and prefer direct communication.

But hearing someone skeet their feet doesn't ruin my day.  Yes, it hurts me and I cringe, but then I can shake it off.

I ordered some shredded chicken tacos the other day.  I got ground beef instead.  I don't eat beef or ground meat in general, but I ate those tacos and it wasn't even a struggle.  (If I'd been inside the restaurant, I would've asked for chicken, but it was a DoorDash and not worth the trouble to change it.)  Before, I would have had to have the right thing, or just find something else to eat, or would have just not eaten at all.

So somehow, being medicated has made me feel LESS autistic; or at least more able to handle things than I could before.  I feel more flexible.  Or just ABLE TO BE flexible.  And it's amazing.

And all of this comes together in such a way that I FINALLY, after 18 years together, can truly feel like a team with my husband.

Part 2 on the way.

Today has been pretty good.

Today has been pretty good.

I visited a friend this morning, and didn't even have to lay down about it after I got home.  I did nap this afternoon, but that was unrelated.  It was just rest.

We went to a thrift store, and I didn't buy anything.  I am usually very impulsive in shopping situations, but I didn't even have to try hard not to be.  I just kind of... wasn't.

When I was getting ready to leave to see my friend, I took some trash from my room to the dumpster.  It had been in a bag, waiting for me to take it down, for over a week.  If it had been effortless to do it before, I would have done it before.  Today, it was.  And I did.

This is crazy.

I've been a little headache-y this afternoon/evening, but our AC downstairs isn't working and Shaun seems to have the flu, (which I am desperately trying not to catch), so besides the stress of those things and my meds wearing off from this morning, I think that is understandable.  Also, I keep taking my glasses off because it feels like my eyes are changing again, so that could have something to do with it, as well.

I wanted to do my nails today and devote tomorrow to my plants, but I don't know if it's going to happen.  It's already 8:30 and I don't know if I want to start nails this late when I should be keeping an eye on my schedule.  It would be really better for me to be waking up at 6 rather than 8 since I have to leave the house for my internship...

Which, btw, went quite well.  To me, it was a very good week.  I really liked all of the people I met, and I am excited about the project I'm working on.  There are possibly some open positions that will be available soon, so I am hoping that they decide to keep me.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now.  Tl;dr:  Ritalin is life-changing, AC busted, Shaun sick, internship good.

💙💙💙

Y'ALL.

Y'ALL.

I had my breakfast, as usual.

THEN, I took out the trash, took out the recycling, emptied the dishwasher and reloaded it, refilled the soap dispenser, and fed the tortoise (none of which were emergencies).

Poor Shaun usually handles the day stuff because my brain is always in panic mode trying to do the "novel" tasks (building apps, taking classes, etc.). If left to my own devices, those things would hit critical mass before I could tackle them.

But not today!

Shaun's not feeling well which is why these things weren't already done when I woke up. And even when he's not feeling well I usually struggle to support him.

But today, it was all but effortless.

I really feel like I'm on my way to being my best self.

Happy Birthday to my favorite Husbang!

Happy Birthday to my favorite Husbang! (It doesn't matter that he's the only one I've ever had; he's still my favorite!) 🥰

He's been trying to relax since he got off work, but we have a little thunderstorm coming through, so he's on Papa duty with Cub. Cub ain't about going through a storm un-medicated and un-cuddled. 😂

It's 2-something in the morning...

It's 2-something in the morning, so probably no one will see this.  That's ok.  I'm just having a little ramble.

It's confirmed:  I start my Internship on Monday the 31st.  I'll be doing dev work in ServiceNow, and it'll be nice to be hands-on again.  I will be full-time, in person, until November.  Hopefully, it will lead to employment after that.  I am excited.  Also, I have some really nice professional clothing that I likely won't have a chance to wear outside of working, so I'm excited to be able to wear it.

I won't have my ADHD evaluation results until after the Internship starts, but I can survive on the novelty of something new and the adrenaline of being in-person for a bit.  I would like for things to be easier while functioning in a "normal" sort of way... like, a way that won't burn me out, but I gotta do what I gotta do.

I do have some anxiety; I tend to have imposter syndrome big time.  Also, I was like "UGH, I hope I don't work with anyone that skeets their feet."  If you don't know what that means, just be glad that sounds don't hurt you and you don't have to worry about things like that.  As much as I'd like to talk about it, I learned growing up that if you showed a weakness it would be used against you, so I'm not giving more details than that.

Since I'm not in my "retail therapy" era (anymore), I'm over here feeling a bit more calm and like I'm making progress on my really long list of things that, IF accomplished, would make me feel like I have my shit together.  So that is something.

I deep cleaned two bathrooms recently.  The third one belongs to Shadow and Kira and they can handle that.  Shaun's usually the scrubber and I'm usually the de-clutter-er, but with him working as much as he is, I stepped up because it was bothering me.

I know it's not the most elegant solution, but the downstairs bathroom is small, so I got an over-the-toilet shelf to hold towels and extra toilet paper, etc.  The under-sink cabinet in there was stuffed, and I really hate running out of tissue.  The issue with the shelf is that a towel bar was mounted above the toilet because it's next to the shower.  But also, the area in front of the toilet is next to the shower, as well.  But that is where the hand towel loops are, so you have to turn around from the sink to dry your hands.

Anyway, I took the towel bar down so I could put up my shelf.  Maybe tomorrow I will take the hand towel loops down and put them to the right of the sink and move the towel bar to where the loops were.  I know this is not interesting to read, but that was not the best use of space and it really started to bother me once I noticed it.  I am also now bothered because the toilet and shower/tub are white, but the sink is beige marble.  I never noticed that before.  We're not planning on doing any renovations anytime soon, but when we do, that is now on my radar.

Still on bathrooms, I also cleaned the one in our bedroom.  Part of that consisted of repotting my Monstera in there into a semi-hydro setup because I was tired of dirt coming out of the pots every time I watered them, and they are thirsty AF.  So that is much better.  Also, do y'all close your toilets before you flush?  You absolutely should.  Look up "toilet spray."

Anyway, I've done some errands, done some plant stuff, decluttered a bit, and did my nails.  I haven't painted them yet, but I plan to before Monday.

In general, I felt that we were pretty organized, but I discovered a box of cotton swabs after I'd already bought another box.  I find that to be really annoying.  So I think now I'm entering my "less is more" era.  We ordered pizza again the other day.  We've had one dinner date (me and Shaun), and we'll probably go out to eat on Sunday because Shaun's birthday is Saturday, but he works until 6 on Saturday and now I'll be working starting Monday, so that will be our only chance.  But what I'm trying to say is that we've been very good about not spending money on stuff or going out, and I'm proud of us.

Since starting work, Shaun has lost weight.  He never looked too big to me because he's muscular and tall, but he's 215 lbs, down from 240ish.  It's just because he's up moving and not sitting around snacking, I guess.  I hate that that doesn't work for me.  🫠  I'm basically microdosing compounded Semaglutide to maintain at 125, which is still a little heavier than I want to be, but oh well.  Maybe me working full time will help, but I don't see it happening.  Not to be negative; it's just never been simple for me or made sense to me before, so I don't see why it would change now.

The only other thing I plan to do before starting the internship is push some app updates.  I have some good feedback from the live Beta tests.  So that, and nail polish.  Oh, and a hair trim.  I'm a mess.

I've also been thinking pretty heavy about doing some press-ons for Halloween.  If I'm gonna do that, I should start my designs soon.  I feel pretty ok to do that now; before, I was too overwhelmed.  We'll see.

Anyway, if you read this:  WHY?!  😆😆😆

I kind of hate when I post long updates with too many subjects, but pretty often I just don't have the energy to write something (so I don't do it frequently), and I'm not always in a thoughtful mood, and social media can be a chore/demand on my time, and I don't know.  I'm just trying to live.

But I hope y'all are doing well.  I love you and I miss you.  Write back soon.  💙

I had to go have myself fingerprinted for a job opportunity...

I had to go have myself fingerprinted for a job opportunity.

The lady who did my prints recognized my last name and said she thinks she did my husband's fingerprints a few weeks ago, which tracks because Shaun started a new job recently.

She remembered the story of our last name (we mashed up our maiden names to make something new together), and also said that he seems to adore me because he lit up when he was talking about us.

I told her he's the best and I adore him, too.

That was so random, but it was really sweet and made my day. 🩷

So, I hate this.

So, I hate this.

I hate being the one working part-time and being responsible for the house.

As soon as we're back on our feet, I'mma need my trophy husband to take a demotion and work part time and let me do the hustling.

I literally can't think straight about anything with all of the house stuff in my periphery.

I was supposed to sign up for a certification by yesterday, and it slipped my mind. It was IMPORTANT. Thankfully, the deadline was extended and I'll be ok, but it's not ok that I forgot.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm the more driven one. My focus is needed on my career. Shaun can work part-time just to give me some alone time in the house.

I don't think this current setup is gonna help with my burnout recovery at all. This last week and a half has been rough.

(I know we're privileged that we can get by on one income, but I did fight my way into tech for that reason. We'll be able to pay bills, but not save. We still have to figure that out unless I want to work until I die. Fun.)

Life Update:

Life Update:

Shaun got a job that he has to leave the house to go to.  I was unsure if it was doing me any good to have time unperceived until I just caught myself badly singing at more than a whisper.  So I guess I do feel a bit more free for some hours per week now, which is nice.

I feel like I have a thing that has been nagging at me for many years, but I haven't been able to put into words.  I'm gonna try it now, so bear with me as I stumble through this.  I don't know where this came from, but I feel like I feel (for me, anyway) that my partner is supposed to be impressed by me; that they should always see me at my best.

Obviously, that is not reality.  Shaun has seen me vomit so hard I peed myself.  He's seen me through MANY a mental breakdown.  He's literally been here with me (for almost 20 years at this point) through the good, the bad, and the ugly.  He is the most solid person I've ever had in my life.

But there are many things that I feel reserved about doing in his presence.  I don't really sing, dance, or try to improve myself/my physical skills when he is perceiving me.  To explain further, he would like to work out/exercise together.  I don't want to do that because he "should" only see the results of my efforts in that case, not my efforts.  I don't tap or drum on things because it is not something I practice anymore, and I don't want him to see how hard I have to try in order to "get it right;" I'd rather he just see/hear me do it and think it's good.

I feel like this hearkens back to the day of women waking up early and doing hair and makeup before their husbands wake up for the day.  Despite not having a husband, I was doing this shit in elementary school.  I would get up at 5 am to hot-roll my hair and put on makeup.  I spent many years sleeping uncomfortably on curlers and painting my face despite how bad it felt on my psoriasis because I only wanted to be perceived "at my best."  When I had my son at 17, things started dropping from my routine because, well, priorities.  I still wore makeup and put some effort into my hair, but not as much; I think not long after having him is the first time I cut my hair above my shoulders.  It was maybe 7 years later that I stopped shaving my body hair and ended up shaving my head.  I never felt ok with the inconsistency of being perceived in makeup with hair done and shaven versus how I exist naturally.  I'm guessing it's the Autism with the yes/no, on/off, black/white extremes, but I felt that if you were EVER going to see me in my "undone" state, then you should ALWAYS see me that way.

Shaun had definitely seen me un-made because when we met, I was working as a pet bather at PetSmart and I did not wear makeup for that job.  But I started working at the same place as him and wore makeup to work one day because I wanted him to think I was pretty, and he pointed it out (just in an observational way).  So I was caught - he remembered that I wasn't as pretty as I was trying to pretend to be, so I literally have never worn makeup since that day.  (I know how that sounds, but honestly, no shade and no shame to people who wear makeup; this is entirely a me-thing that I am trying to work through.)  Don't get me wrong - dropping it from my routine was a HUGE relief.  I never felt good at it.  I never enjoyed doing it.  I hated the way it felt on my skin.  I hated the tugging and the touching of putting it on.  I hated having to remove it.  I was glad to be done.  I was very happy to be able to exist in consistency and have that be enough.

But there are things that I am not good at.  I'm not a good singer or dancer.  In band, some of the drummers could just bust out with great rhythms and I'm sure they practiced away from me, but I only saw the fruits of their labor.  For me, I had to practice a ton just to get the basics.  So these are the things that I keep to myself or only do when unperceived, although I find them to be fun.

I am also not as physically fit as I used to be, or as fit as I'd like to be.  Shaun has always been in great shape; I swear when we met, he looked like a Greek statue.  Even though he's gained some weight over the years, he carries it so well because of how tall and muscular he is.  If he wants to lose weight, he is just more mindful of what he eats.  Meanwhile, I'd already had a child when we met.  I bounced back pretty well because of my age and activity level, but I felt that the changes to my body were still obvious, especially on my belly and breasts.  When I started gaining weight (due to stress, bad healthcare, Shaun taking me out to eat frequently, etc.), it was impossible to lose.  I tried counting calories and have a journal of what I'd eat in a day.  I was miserable.  I tried fasting.  Fasting felt good, but I was inconsistent and always went overboard on eat days.  It wasn't until getting thyroid medication and starting a GLP-1 that I felt I could actually have any sort of control over my weight.

I do want and need to start strength training for my bone health and because I'm sure I'd look a lot better and I've never really known what it's like to feel physically strong and that sounds fun, but I feel like this is a situation I'd need a class or mentor for.  I have tried a few times alone over the years and don't want to do it by myself.  I can't stay motivated.  But put me in a class?  Yeah, I'm gonna try to ace it.

It's so stupid because Shaun is literally right here and has experience with building muscle, but I want to look good FOR him, not with him.  😅  I fucking hate this.  Why do I care if he sees me struggle?  It wouldn't be the first time, but he usually sees me struggling mentally, not physically.  Also, when I'm home, I'm relaxing.  I don't want to work out here.  And I don't want to go to a gym with him.  If I'm hanging out with him, I want to have fun, not be doing work.  He is my relaxing space.  It doesn't feel nice to have him push me, I think.  Yeah, I definitely don't like it when he has expectations of me.  It feels gross and frustrating.  I want to already be enough/good enough.  And it's not like he ever (intentionally) does anything that makes me feel like I'm not, but entering into a learning situation is literally saying "I'm not enough.  I'm not where I want to be.  Teach me." and that is an ok space to be vulnerable and improve.  So yeah, I don't want him to see me that way, and I don't really know how to change that.  I also feel like I don't have very much control over my body, in a way.  Like, never once have I been able to make a physical change that I wanted to happen, happen, so it almost feels pointless to even try.

So, all this is to say that I do still mask around him/when he's home, but far less than I do with anyone else.  It still costs me energy to do it, so hopefully having him gone to work will allow me to slow/stop the constant small energy leak while I work with my therapist on just taking the damn thing off for good.  I don't know.  But as usual, I'm a work in progress.

I'm in Houston for a few more days.

I'm in Houston for a few more days.

Meanwhile, back home...

Shaun and Bear are doing, well... regular Shaun and Bear things. 😂😂😂

I love these two. 🤣😁

So Colorado is really pretty.

So Colorado is really pretty. I didn't know; this was my first time there. The mountains are really nice and the landscape is interesting. I love that there are lava dikes and mounds. It's so cool to see geological features like that right in your face.  (That's one reason why I love New Mexico so much!)  It's also interesting to see preserved dinosaur tracks!

Our 2nd day, we went to Dinosaur Ridge and did the bus tour and checked out the museum.  It was really crazy to see actual dinosaur footprints.  I don't think our photos are going to do it justice; it's not as easy to see the tracks in bright sun in person, much less via photo. But it was a really fun experience and I'd love to take the kids one day.

They let me dig in the sandbox for fossils - they said I was short enough. 😂  Shaun found one from afar (it wasn't even buried) and I found my own by digging. They let us keep them. Of course, they are just molds of real fossils, but it was still really cool.  I always want to do all of the things. 😁

Overall, it was a very neat experience.  It really put into perspective how small we all are; just here for a blip in time.  Earth has changed so much and continues to change, even though it happens so slowly we can't perceive it.  It blows my mind to think about it.  It made me feel insignificant and grateful at the same time.

I'm scheduling 2 posts for while I'm on the road...

I'm scheduling 2 posts for while I'm on the road so y'all won't miss me too much. As if I've been on here being sociable at all in the last month. 🫠

On the way to Colorado, Google had my back and took Shaun a different route than he'd planned to go, which took us right by the Colorado Gator Farm.  OF COURSE we had to stop.  Shaun said "This looks like a trap." because it was in the middle of nowhere, but I was like "They'd have gotten me!  Let's go!" 😂

Literally, feed me to alligators. I don't care. That would be an awesome way to go.

Anyway, they operate as a rescue / education center for reptiles.  They had all sorts of lizards and tortoises and snakes and we got to interact with quite a few of them.  They had a BUNCH of Sulcata tortoises that they had taken in because they're not easy pets. Everyone always thinks that turtles and/or tortoises will be easy, but then they find out the hard way that's not true. Even our hamburger-sized little Tort Baby is a bossy/sassy little butt.

We also got to hold a baby alligator and they gave us a certificate that they notarized with the baby gator's teeth.  It seemed a little rude to use his snout like a stapler, but I know it didn't hurt him.  I laughed when they did that because it caught me off guard. Who even thought to do that? 😂

Overall, they seemed really knowledgeable and like they took great care of the animals there. I would love to visit again when we have more time.

Some things that are troubling me:

Some things that are troubling me:

About 2 weeks ago, my Reddit account logged out.  I have not been able to log back in.  I submitted a ticket for help, but I still haven't received any help.  Also, now if I look up my account, it shows that it's banned.  For what, I have NO idea.

This has been very dysregulating.  I read myself to sleep every night on Reddit, so I was used to my feed being a certain way.  It was comforting.  I had saved a lot of posts with useful information.  I had a 700-something day streak.  I loved it.

I basically had to start over and try to re-create my feed.  It's still not like it was.  It still feels very "off" - like it's a bizarro universe and it makes me really sad.  I am still hopeful that I will get some help with my original account, but the hope is fading.  I don't know what to do.

I also haven't been spending too much time in the greenhouse, but the last two times I went out there, many of my plants had been chewed or completely eaten.  I don't know who is doing it, but Shaun put the camera back out there to see if we could catch whoever it is.  We don't know if it's birds or rodents or what, so we don't know how to stop it.  We do close the doors at night, but leave the top windows open for ventilation.  We might have to put up some screens, I guess.  I don't know.  But it's got me really sad.  Whole plants are missing.  Like they've either been devoured on the spot or uprooted and taken. 😭😭😭

Last thing (for now):  I'm too soft and Adrian ended up back in my room. Shaun's going to move her out and acclimate her to the living room/other cats while I'm away. I hope it's successful. I need a space to myself. If it doesn't work while I'm gone, then it can't be done. Shaun is great with cats and less of a pushover than I am right now.

I overextended myself yesterday.

I overextended myself yesterday.  I ended up exhausted and went to bed so early, then woke up in the middle of the night (peri peeps, y'all know the 3/4 am wakeup call.  It's a hormonal thing that turns us into werecougars.)  I usually just read myself back to sleep, but I was literally having dark thoughts and spiraling.

I feel only slightly better today.  I talked to Shaun and told him I need him out of the house sometimes.  I just need literal solitude.  My background processes don't stop listening for him or thinking about him when he's here.  I don't quite know the logistics of how he's different than the animals or the child I raised, but he is.  Shadow and the pets can be background.  Kira sleeps most of the day and tends to stay upstairs, but can definitely be a demand sometimes.  She's a gray area because I still view her as a kid even though I didn't fully raise her.  But Shaun is like a best friend that never leaves my house.  Just isolating in my bedroom is not helping me recover.  Don't get me wrong; sometimes I definitely need that, but it alone is not enough.

Thankfully, he has been looking for work outside of our home, and he's had a few good leads.  Maybe something will come through soon.  Also, he didn't take offense when I told him that I never get to miss him.  He understands.

We also had a talk about showing affection.  I have never been a hugger.  I'm actually not big on being touched.  Growing up, I didn't receive affection that way and most of the touch I received was violent in nature.  So I generally don't enjoy having hands coming towards me at all.  But when we started dating, I hugged Shaun.  I wanted to touch him and that was what people did, so I did it, too.  And I did enjoy it.  It's easy when things are new.

But now that's not the case and it's no one's fault.  His shirt is always covered in cat hair because that is our life right now, so when I hug him my face goes right into that.  It's a sensory nightmare.  I also don't like my face being smushed, but due to our height difference, my face goes right under/between his pecs.  Sometimes if I actually want to hug him, I just go under his shirt and that's better.  His chest hair doesn't stick to my face like cat hair.  So for years, I've just been doing this thing that I don't get anything out of because he seemed to need it and I thought it was what I was supposed to do.

I'm not gonna do it anymore.  Not like that, anyway.

If he's sitting and I'm standing, I greatly prefer those hugs.  His face is on my chest, and my face isn't getting smushed or haired.  I can enjoy those.  We haven't figured out how he can physically show me affection in a way that I will like yet; I don't like to be massaged or petted or anything like that.  I like it when we touch legs while hanging out.  That feels like not an attack.  Head bonks are cool.  I also like sitting next to each other, like a cuddle - like what cats and dogs do with us.  I don't know, but I don't feel like that's as big a deal right now as me letting go of the daily "demand" (of course he doesn't actually demand them; it's just a thing that I felt like I was supposed to do) of hugs that I don't like.

I feel like the worst partner.  I don't know why he likes me.  Even when I was (unknowingly) fully masking at the beginning of our relationship, I know I wasn't an easy person.  My mental health has only gotten worse/more complicated over the years, and he's still here, still putting in the work, still not taking any offense to anything I need to say - no matter how insensitive it may seem.  I feel very lucky, but also very confused.  Like, I don't get why anyone would choose the mess that I am, but whatever floats his goat, I guess.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days. (More on that later.)

It was fun and hotel sleeping without a cat on my head was glorious (yes, moving Adrian downstairs FAILED).

But we got home yesterday and I immediately had to go to bed because I'd had zero alone time for 3 days.

Later this week I'm driving 13 hours through the desert and I am looking forward to those 13 hours like you wouldn't believe. Nobody can see me. Nobody can ask me for anything. Nobody can even talk to me if I don't want it.

Sometimes I worry that living with my husband was the wrong move. We do have separate spaces to retreat to, but either I'm so deep in burnout that being perceived is a stressor, or we just should've kept separate houses like we did for the first 10 years. I'm giving it until the dogs die (hopefully no time soon) before making any decisions or changes to our living situation, but...

Damn, it's hard.

Shaun is so great and I love him all the way. He is not doing anything wrong. It's just me. I'm built different and I feel like a terrible person and terrible partner because of it.

It's been a big day for the baby doves.

It's been a big day for the baby doves. They're moving around now. Most of these clips are less than a minute long.

They got into my baby Teddy Bear Cholla and got a piece back into the nest. We went and removed it and then moved my cart of nursery plants out so they don't do that again.

Also, there is no water in my bucket. We're trying to minimize danger for them as they get out and explore.

Shaun has been camera-spying all day. 😂

First Flaps:

Big streeetch!

Test flight:

Feeding time!

That was a baby on the table!

They're mobile!

Good parent

Exploring

Hey friends! Happy Friday!

Hey friends!  Happy Friday!

Life Update:

I'm still sleeping a lot.  Like, 12-14 hours a day during the week.  I am so grateful that Shaun doesn't hate shopping/going to stores/doing the errands because I certainly do and they are such a drain.  Thankfully, it's not as big of a deal for him and he is handling all of that for us.  He's like "Since you're working..." and I'm like "Bruh, I am part-time at best at my official job, and barely even taking baby steps on getting my web design business off the ground or Polish ALL the Things! converted to a Native app."

Regardless, he says that I'm doing enough and I'm glad that he feels that way.  I've been a lot easier on myself since finding out that I have Autism, and I am grateful that Shaun understands and doesn't put any extra stress on me while I try to continue to recover from burnout.  He's never been anything but gentle and supportive of me, even before my diagnosis.  When I was pretty well incapacitated in 2014 he basically body-doubled my entire life to keep me going until I got help.  Part of that was depression, but looking back, it was probably partially due to a burnout phase, too.

I don't really have any idea what life will look like after May, when the UI/UX class I'm taking and the ServiceNow CSA class I'm teaching both end.  But I'm hoping that I will be more functional as a person and able to hold down more steady work, should I be so lucky to have it.

I do have a lot of items on my To Do list that I feel like have been holding me back from things I really want to do.  I feel like I've been stuck in "Waiting Mode", as in, "Waiting for things to be done before I can enjoy myself or take on more projects" for a few years, so that is unfortunate, especially since I was "shoulding" myself and putting pressure on myself to finish them, but since I've stopped with the pressure and just worked on things at a sustainable pace, they're finally (slowly but surely) getting done.  Nothing is checked off of my list yet, but there is progress, which is better than no progress, so I'm taking the win.

It's really not as satisfying to not binge and finish things super fast, but I've learned that that is dopamine seeking and I'm trying not to do that anymore (at least not in ways that end up being detrimental to my health).  So we'll see how that goes.  Maybe THIS will be the year that I finally get my shit together.  😂😂😂  (If you don't know:  I say this every year after I binge a project and make progress, only to burn out and accomplish nothing else.)

Anyway, Happy Weekend, friends!  ❤

It's Thursday. I'm in a funky [negative] mood.

It's Thursday.  I'm in a funky [negative] mood.

How are y'all?  Did you fall for a prank yesterday?

I didn't, but Shaun got got, which is hilarious because he's so skeptical.  One of the local animal businesses posted that they were now offering helicopter rides for pets to the daycare.  I was like "You know what day it is, right?"  😆

Today we're married 8 years...

Today we're married 8 years. Together for 18. I don't know what I would do without Shaun. He's held me together in so many different ways over the years. Through mental and physical breakdowns, migraines, throwing up so hard I pee myself - and now peri. The good, the bad, and the ugly - he's solid through it all.

And as usual, he's got the most creative gifts ever. 🥰

My favorite has to be this Teddy Bear Cholla he made using my stash of whiskers (with my permission!). They aren't glued in or anything, but they're definitely not falling out. We're going to paint the pot; he didn't realize it matched the cactus body so well. But I love this so much. Also, he didn't even use all of my whiskers. 😂😂😂  We might have to start another cactus for the shorter ones. I'm thinking an Opuntia for the next one...

I'm also digging this little monster dude with the succulents on his head. It's a stash jar, so that's neat. And since it's our Bronze anniversary, he got me a little beetle guy to sit on my shelf. He manages to bring the things I love into every gift while somehow keeping it traditional.

Here's to all of the years behind us, and hopefully many more to come! To my bestie for the restie:  I love you! ❤️